"I barely remember my parents. I can no longer recall their faces but I remember happiness, traveling from place to place, never staying anywhere for long. I think they loved me but I don't know for sure.

Then one day they were no more and I was alone. A small child trying to survive. I was always cold and hungry. I had to steal food when I could or make shopkeepers angry enough to throw rotten food at me. I didn't care how moldy or rotten the food was, I was starving. I also tried to fight against the wild dogs for food or a warm place to stay, I usually lost, I was bitten many times. That's why I'm so scared of dogs, they always remind me of the pain and fear I felt when they were attacking me. I don't remember how I got to Lotus Pier or how Uncle Jiang knew it was me. I was fighting with the dogs for scraps when I heard someone say my name. I stopped and I was immediately bitten. He scared the dogs away and promised me a home, a warm bed to sleep in and plenty of food. He said he knew my parents and promised to take care of me.

What could go wrong, any existence had to be better than the one I was currently living. I felt I was being saved and everything would be alright. I told myself I would be a good boy and never give him a reason to send me back to the streets. I promised him to work hard and make him proud of me. He smiled at me and we went to his home.

Little did I know that the minute I crossed that threshold my life would become a living hell, a private hell that changed my life forever. I became two people in one body just trying to survive.

The only person who truly welcomed me beside Uncle Jiang was Shijie. She became my big sister who loved me unconditionally right from the start. Jiang Cheng hated me immediately because his precious dogs were removed because of my paralyzing fear of dogs. I was to share a room with him but he threw me out and I slept outside for several days before Shijie found out and got me a smaller room near hers.

I felt no anger toward my new brother after all it was his home and not mine.

Then Uncle introduced me to Madame Yu, his wife. I had never felt such hatred before aimed at only me. I hid behind Uncle and he scolded Madame Yu, when he told her he would raise me as his son also, she narrowed her eyes and walked away. I knew I was now the enemy. It became worse when Uncle Jiang insisted I eat with the family and wear clothes as fine as the family, clearly this made her anger increase towards me. No matter how much she tried to treat me as a servant or slave, Uncle Jiang did not allow it. Being a child I had no say in the matter but she never seemed to understand that.

She began to hate me with a single mindedness that had it been anything else it would have been a credit to her. To everyone she put up a false front but privately she couldn't hurt me enough both physically and mentally,

Wei Ying stops and he reaches his hand up to stroke Lan Zhan's face. Lan Zhan is trying to be strong but he has a feeling it's about to get much worse. "My love, are you alright? Whispers Wei Ying. Lan Zhan nods since he can't trust his voice right now. "Lan Zhan, please stay strong, what I'm about to tell you I have hidden so deep I truly never wanted to tell anyone. No one knows other than the person who did these things to me and now you. Soon you will know why." Hoarsely Lan Zhan answers "I am here with you and for you. Since you are brave enough to speak, I will be brave enough to listen." "Lan Zhan I will need some Emperor's wine to get me through this" Lan Zhan reaches behind him and brings the jar out and Wei Ying takes several drinks before he feels ready to continue. Lan Zhan assures Wei Ying he has more jars if needed. So with wine in hand and sitting in his husband's lap he feels somewhat ready to continue. He closes his eyes once more and digs deeper into Lan Zhan's lap. While his eyes are closed, the place he always dreaded and hated once more comes in his mind's eye. He is paralyzed in fear and his body stiffens and a low anguished filled moan comes out of Wei Ying. Lan Zhan begins to rock Wei Ying and murmurs in his ear that he is safe and no harm will come to him. Finally after what seems like hours Wei Ying is calm enough to talk once more. While firmly gripping his husband's arms, Wei Ying begins to speak again.

"Whenever Uncle Jiang left Lotus Pier for business, that was when Hell came to me in the form of Madame Yu. She would wake me up in the middle of the night so that no servants or witnesses were around to see us.

She took me to the outskirts of the living quarters for the family, to a tiny shed at the far end of a field. How do you like your new living quarters, Wei Ying. This is truly where you belong, not in my home. Eating my food, playing with my children, taking the time of my husband. Take off your clothes now!! I looked at her blankly. What did she just tell me? She pushed me onto the ground and grounded my face in the dirt. Lan Zhan, I was just a child, I didn't understand what was happening. I begged her to stop. She slapped me, Lan Zhan," wailed Wei Ying. Both at this point were crying for the little boy calling for help and none came.

After WeI Ying's tears had slowed to a stop and after a few more drinks of wine and water which Lan Zhan insisted he drank as well, Wei Ying felt able to continue. He took a deep breath, this is the place he didn't want to go to and he squeezed his Lan Zhan's arm hard causing him pain. Lan Zhan is more than willing to bear this pain, he knows Wei Ying's is much worse.

Wei Ying closes his eyes and starts speaking again, "The room she threw me in was a small room, I was barely able to move in it. It was dark and had a dirt floor. She grabbed my chin and with narrowed eyes she whispers " Here you will stay like the dog you are. You don't deserve to be in my house, eating my food or to be treated like one of my children. I hate you almost as much as I hated your mother. She spat out the word mother with such venom, if I already wasn't trembling I would have started to. I cannot hurt your mother but I can certainly hurt you!!

Trembling so hard his teeth chattered, Wei Ying was lost in the past but still managed to tell his story. "She flung me away from her like I was trash. "You will be given no food or water and don't think about trying to leave." She laughed harshly, "This place is surrounded by dogs, who would love to tear you to shreds." She just kept laughing at me while walking away and locking the door behind her. "

Lan Zhan was beyond angry at how anyone could treat a child like that. His heart is hurting for the small child, alone, scared and abused for no apparent reason. As if reading his thoughts, Wei Ying said "I later found out she believed me to be the love child of Uncle Jiang and my mother. Since she couldn't touch my mother, I became her target."

"How long were you kept in that place?" asked Lan Zhan quietly, afraid of the answer. Wei Ying shrugged his shoulders, "Sometimes days, sometimes weeks, I really never knew." "Did no one notice?, whispered Lan Zhan. Wei Ying sadly shakes his head, "No my love, she was always careful to clean me up before Uncle returned or hid me away saying I was ill and she was caring for me.

I was always in the middle of a tug of war between Uncle Jiang and Madame Yu. Uncle Jiang wanted to show me off to other clans and to learn how to help Jiang Cheng when it became his turn to lead the Clan. Madame Yu wanted to keep me close to try new methods to torture me. I couldn't decide which was worse, the torture and punishment while Uncle Jiang was gone or when I came back and was in her clutches again. She was always more vicious when she couldn't hurt me. I lived in constant terror and pain, I wished every day to never wake up. Then when I thought it couldn't get any worse ...

"When I became older she began whipping me with her spiritual weapon, the Zidan. At first only in places covered by clothing but as I became older, it was wherever she felt like. The more pain she caused, the happier she became and the more vicious she became. I tried once to let Uncle Jiang know but she caught me and almost killed me that day. I truly wanted to die that day, either by her hands or my own. I truly didn't see the point in this type of existence. Between the torture and being told i'm Worthless. I wondered if it would be like this forever?

Wei Ying stopped talking suddenly, his mind is back in the past watching himself getting whipped senseless while hearing her maniacal laughter in the background. He began shivering all over his body, how many times he had wished for death and it never came. How many times he wanted to beg for mercy knowing none would be given. How many times he wanted to run away but knowing if he did his adopted siblings would suffer.

He placed his head between his knees, the feeling of passing out is real and true. Lan Zhan cannot bear to see him in this much distress. He picks up his beloved and takes him to the balcony to catch the breeze. He holds Wei Ying as one holds an infant, with one hand supporting his back and the hand stroking his hair as Wei Ying lays his head on his husband's shoulder. Wei Ying wraps his legs around Lan Zhan's waist and begins to weep hard. Lan Zhan does not stop his weeping; he feels this is something he must do.

He holds Wei Ying for what seems like hours, he is shocked and beyond stunned that a person could hate another so much. The pain inflicted is beyond anything he has ever known. He had heard whispers but never did they imply anything like this. He's glad Madame Yu is no more and can no longer hurt his beloved.

After a time, Wei Ying begins speaking softly, he is beyond drained with all the emotions and pain brought out into the open. He doesn't know how much more he can bear to tell Lan Zhan. He says, "My love, I'm so broken, can I really be saved? Have I scared you away finally? Do you still think I'm worth it?"

"Wei Ying, If it takes a lifetime and all the lifetimes to come I will never abandon you. I promise I will find you sooner so that you will never face that kind of evil again." Says Lan Zhan. Wei Ying again buries his face against his husband's chest and steadies himself. "Is there more?" asks Lan Zhan. Wei Ying nods and before he can change his mind, he starts to speak again while holding back all the emotions threatening to overtake him once more.

"Sensing my depression she told me if I didn't continue to be her whipping boy my adopted siblings would be next. I believed every word she said, how could I not. I would not allow my Shijie to be treated so cruelly. So I endured it year after year.

She loved telling me my parents didn't want me, that's why I was thrown away by them. She said I was a burden to them and now I was a burden to her. Over and over again the same spew, I'm worthless, no one would want me and no one would love me. Eventually I believed it all.

Then there was Uncle, constantly praising me, sometimes over his own son. This in turn caused conflict between Jiang Cheng and myself. Whenever I tried to downplay myself, Uncle became disappointed in me and I became fearful he would throw me back into the streets. I didn't want to be homeless again. I had a home, granted a dangerous one but still a home."

Wei Ying begins rubbing his head, he has the beginnings of a major headache. Lan Zhan rocks Wei Ying and begins to hum softly, soon Wei Ying is sleeping but his mind is still remembering. "He was always so confused, Madame Yu would shout that he was worthless and Uncle Jiang made him head disciple because he said he best represented the Clan and all it stood for. His Shijie loved him like a little brother and Jiang Chang either hated him or loved him depending on his mood or situation.

So he suffered in silence and loneliness, always a smile on his face. Happy to keep the torture to only himself and thereby protecting his siblings, his family from the evil that was Madame Yu. So he drank to numb his pain and flirted around never expecting anything from anyone. He became untamed and wild and why not? Was he not going to be punished anyway?

Wei Ying stirs in Lan Zhan's lap and listens to Lan Zhan's heartbeat to try and steady his own. After Lan Zhan makes him eat and drink some water, Wei Ying feels better and feels ready once more. He spoke of his confusion on how his adopted parents treated him and what they expected of him. How his sister always babied him and how his brother sometimes treated him roughly.

Wei Ying says "I think Jiang Cheng thought I was competing for his father's love. I only wanted a home and a family. I was always so conflicted on how to act or what to believe. Dark thoughts came many times and so many times I wanted to take my own life but the thought of Shijie being sad and maybe blaming herself stilled my hand. Can you understand this Lan Zhan?"

Looking deep in the silver eyes which hold so much sadness and horror Lan Zhan cups his face and says "I understand you wanting a home and love but I can't understand how you survived being tortured and survived that sick woman's games all those years. Did you deserve to be punished and tortured, to the point of you wanting to end your own life?

Wei Ying is stunned and his body begins to shake. "Madame Yu said I did because I was a worthless human being."

"Again I ask you my love, Did. You. Deserve. To. Be. Punished."

Now Wei Ying is looking scared and he can't stop his trembling or look at Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan raises Wei Ying's face with his fingers and Wei Ying is looking into the amber eyes that have tears threatening to spill. Once again Lan Zhan asked, much more gently this time, "Did you deserve to be punished or tortured? To be treated like an animal or criminal? To be told you should not exist?"

Wei Ying's mind almost blanked out in fear. Sensing this Lan Zhan kisses his lips softly while stroking Wei Ying's hair. "Breathe my love, I will not harm you. I would take my own life before I would ever hurt you in such a manner."

Wei Ying brings himself back from the edge and stares at his husband. He thinks to himself "This man holding me has always protected me, even when I didn't want him too. He is always by my side, no matter how rude I was to him in the past and now broken as I am.

He still loves me. In truth, he has always loved me, I was the one who took longer to realize I cannot live without him." Another wall he has built around himself is crumbling down.

"No Lan Zhan, No I did not deserve to be punished and tortured. I did not deserve that kind of pain. I did not deserve the mental anguish, I did not deserve to live a life of fear, pain and loneliness."

Lan Zhan holds Wei Ying tightly and says "My love, she hated you with every fiber of her being. She used your love for your adopted siblings and theirs for you. She threatened to hurt them if you told your Uncle. So what did you do? You protect your family with your life, even as a small child. You already had a sense of duty and honor, a code of which you still live by now. Does a bad person have these qualities? She used your goodness against you, my love. You were always a better person than her and she knew it."

Wei Ying says nothing at first but his mind is reeling. All these years believing he was useless and no good. All those years he could have been truly happy and not pretend, all because someone hated him so blindly.

Wei Ying burst into tears. Lan Zhan once again hides his beloved in his embrace and holds him tightly as Wei Ying lets go. Wei Ying cries for his lost childhood, his innocence, his parents whom he can't remember. At last Wei Ying has no more tears to shed and he lies quietly in his husband's arms, his safe zone and his heaven.

Lan Zhan wants nothing more than to shield his love from all that would harm him and cause him pain. He kisses the top of Wei Ying's head "I promise my love, I will protect and shield you from the world if necessary, to never let you feel pain or despair again."

He rises with Wei Ying in his arms and places him in the bed. He gently washes his face and pulls off his outer robes. He lays next to him and pulls him again in his embrace. He knows it may take forever to help his beloved to feel worthy and loved. It is a quest he will gladly undertake. He never wants to see the haunted and pained look in his husband's eyes ever again. This he vows to himself and to the love of his life in his arms.