Draco Malfoy,

''  Draco.

I don't know how to do this, or even how to write this. It feels so unreal to finally put my thoughts on paper after constantly burying them in my mind, but it's time to.

You deserve an explanation for what I am about to do, even if you never gave me one, even if you left me without once looking back. I could never do that to you.

The other day I was outside the walls of the castle for the first time in weeks. I finally held the strength to leave the safety of your room, the safety of the tower you left me in, and I remembered the day you brought me outside after Luna left. Do you remember that day?

You convinced me to make snow angels just like her and I used to do, but instead, you did it with me.

The loss of you and her has torn me in two. The grief has reached a point where the only reason to fall asleep at night is to dream of you, to get one little glimpse of those blue eyes, to imagine your skin on mine.

It hurts, Draco.

Everything hurts.

Every memory, every thought, every minute that goes by without you hurts.

And I want to hate you. God, I want to hate you so much for leaving me, for giving upon us.

But you don't deserve that hate because, at the end of each painful day, you left to protect me, and how can I hate you for doing so when I would do the exact same thing in a heartbeat?

I'm drowning without you. I'm dying every second you're not here, and it's killing me, Draco.

A life with the memories of you, knowing that you're gone, isn't a life worth living. I will never be able to learn how to live without you, so I have to do the one thing I know how to.

I have to let you go.

I have to forget about you.

I have to forget about us.

So please, Draco, live for us, keep the memories of us alive for me, and know that you're still, and forever, deep down, always right here with me.

I'm yours, yours, yours and only yours, and you're mine, remember?

Hold onto that,

I miss you more than words can explain,

and I love you, Draco Lucius Malfoy.

Remember that,

Leiah. "

Tears drained the paper, the ink smudged of all the drops falling down my cheeks, my vision stored dizzy as I tried wiping them away, but it was more than useless, the sobs repeatedly fled my lips, my chest almost breaking in pain — her words scored right through my cold heart, the heart that only beat for her. The reality of holding something that she has held, something that she wrote breaks my heart,

The scent of her lingered from the letter she sent, the soft tones of freshly cut flowers and vanilla tore me apart, my entire body shook out of control as I tried to breathe, to calm myself,

Six months have passed since I left her, and every day I cease to exist a little more, until today, when my father brought back the light blue envelope — the second I saw it, my heart stopped because I knew it was from her,

Her,

Not a day, an hour, a minute has gone by without the thought of her being tangled up in my mind; the memory of her is the only thing keeping me alive, the dreams of her at night is my only reason to fall asleep,

Missing her hurts more than the torture I have had to live through these heartbreaking, terrifying months, and all I lived for was the longing of having her back in my arms, the wish of breathing her in, kissing her, touching her,

But now, she wanted to forget me,

She wanted to give up on me,

Give up on us,

And that's something I couldn't live with, her letting me, letting us go thinking that I left her behind,

Even when she was right here with me, every step of the way,

I needed to get back to her before it's too late,

_____

I waited till the dusk settled, knowing that's when father withdraws to sleep, the safe house was still filled with death eaters, left and right, but nothing could hold me from finding her, especially now, when I know what she sought to do. The hour of twilight finally arrived as I carefully shoved my door open, pinching my head out to see if the coast was clear,

My father took my wand away the minute we got here, but as the unclever man he tended to be — I knew exactly where to find it, my steps crackled over the wooden floor, frightened that someone would catch me out of bed at this hour,

I made my way into the kitchen, gently lifting the board of wood, placed underneath the kitchen table, and there it was — my wand, the only times I was allowed to use it, was at times the dark lord wished for me to cease someone of their life, or to bring unhuman torture upon them,

That's all I've been doing for nearly six months, my father and I have been working for her father, doing every monstrous act he'd craved for us to do, and that breaks you, every time you're demanded to watch someone's eyes darken, in the doorway of death, it takes a piece of you — the screams, and shouts in torture by curses of forbidden magic was enough for me, wanting to die, right there with them,

This wasn't me — I'm not this person. I can't be this cruel, evil human being that they wished for me to become. I refused to, but I had to,

And I did, because all he threatened with the second I disobeyed him was her — he knew how to use her name, to use the love I held for her, to get under my skin, to make me do things a young boy should never have to do, but I did, for her,

I rushed out of the kitchen, headed straight to the front door, my steps echoed severely throughout the house, but I didn't care, not anymore — I need to find her, I needed to stop her before it was too late,

'' Leaving so soon?'' My father's voice came from behind, making me flinch back to look at him, standing with his cane clenched in his hands, his foot impatiently stamping, '' I hope you're not doing what I think you're doing, Draco,'' He seethed, his lips pursed into a firm line,

I blinked quickly, feeling insecure in the hold he had of me, scared that he will restrain me from leaving — because he could, with the right methods. The number of times I had begged him on my knees, for him to allow me to see her if only for one short moment, was unaccountable. He never let his eyes off me,

'' I—,'' I swallowed, my fingers tensed around the wand, '' I will be back—,''

'' No, you won't, Draco,'' He smirked, dropping the end of his cane to the floor, his face sternly cold in disappointment, '' The time is almost here, we're nearly done with the tasks, with the recruits — there is no reason for the dark lord to—,''

''She forgets about me, father—,'' I blurted out, shaking my head in defeat, '' I think she's about to obliviate me out of her mind, and I have to—,''

'' Nonsense—,'' He snarled back, once again hewing me off from talking, '' Young love is nothing for you, you should be focused on the task—,''

'' I have been!'' I yelled out, causing him to lift a brow, his pressed lips falling, '' I have done everything asked of me—, I stayed away from her, just as promised, for six months and I will continue doing so, but I have to see her, I need to convince her not to do this,'' I breathed out, my chest moved roughly, only the thought of her doing so caused me to tremble,

'' I need to talk to her—,'' I swallowed, the lump growing, my eyes flicking back and forth as he inhaled, sharply through his nose, eyes narrowed in mine,

'' So you keep telling,'' He hissed, slamming the cane to the ground, shaking his head in dismay, '' One week, Draco—, that's all I have to offer, we need to be ready for the—,'' He mumbled, nodding towards the door, I felt my veins rush, my heart pounding as I turned around, hauling the door open,

'' But remember this, Draco —, one week, or the dark lord will believe you to be a traitor,'' I halted in my urgent steps, almost holding my breath as he spoke, before I caught his heel stepping out of the hallway, leaving me to find her,

_____

The school stood steady, despite the attempts from the death eaters to tear it down. The headmaster had done a more than an incredible job to keep the students safe, not a scratch visible on the stone-covered facade,

I felt my heart aching as the sun arose, the dawn was here, the strings of light reached all over the stunning castle, and it was time for me to find her — I poured up over the hill, my breaths repeatedly stuck in my throat, chest almost caving in the mixture of relief and sorrow,

Not knowing if I'm too late, if she had done what I feared the most on this earth,

I knew that she slept in my room, precisely as she wrote, but the room scored cold, empty the moment I shoved the door open, only the slightly oversized shirt of mine she always slept in when I was away, rested folded on the green covers, other than that — everything held the same, not a thing out of place,

I stumbled to the doorway of my bathroom as I felt the hurt bolting throughout my veins, the dark blue bottle of shampoo she always kept in my shower was gone, my toothbrush stood empty without hers next to it, only the sight of those small things caused my heart to ache,

Blaise's room stood just as empty as mine; neither of them was anywhere to be found in the dungeons, the common room deserted, not a student insight, not a single soul findable,

I looked through every hallway, shoving every bathroom open, looking for her, hoping to find her as I made my way to her room, nearly sprinting up the stairs, and for a swift moment — I halted right outside of her door, my body trembled the second I caught the scent of her from inside of it, that scent, her consuming, breathtaking scent,

Placing my palms onto the wood, my forehead as well, listening to hear if she's in here, wishing to catch the small mumbles she always hummed when she was getting ready, but nothing — not a sound heard through the door as I twitched my wand in front of it, opening it with a klick,

And my suspicions lived to be correct; she's not here. I let my gaze study her room, it held explicitly the same as it did the night I was foolish enough to storm out of here, over a stupid bicker,

I regret every fucking argument, every mean comment, every harsh glare, everything. She deserved so much more than I ever gave her, and still, she chose me, she decided to stay with me, to never give up on me, to provide me with more than many chances, and here I was, in the clueless mind if the girl I loved, still loved me,

''Fuck—,'' I grunted out, flopping onto her bed as my feet rested on the wooden floor, my hands shrugging against the soft satin covers, my mind haunting me with the image of the two of us in them. My eyes flicked to the pillow I knew she couldn't sleep without; even as kids, she brought that pillow everywhere,

I reached for it, hesitatingly holding it in my shaking hands before I found the bravery of lightly brushing my nose against the soft fabric, and there it was again, the twisting feeling of sickness as I tried to swallow it, throwing the pillow away, shaking my head in defeat,

I forced myself off her bed, marching out of the Ravenclaw tower, incognizant to which class she could possible sought to have at this hour; it was a new year, new students, new classes, and I was in no control of it — I stormed down to the entrance, my eyes flickering over the students heads enjoying breakfast in the great hall, but still not a single sign of her,

My hands rushed through my hair, frustratingly tugging it back, almost as if finding her when I most needed to do so, was impossible, my knuckles collided with the wall of cement, not having any strength left inside — I grew more than impatient as I backed away, turning to look for her in the tower I left her, and as I flung around,

I suffered my breath, ultimately,

My eyes prickled in tears,

The flushed color of my skin, drained,

Because — there she was,

The girl my heart has been longing for,

The girl my mind had been drowning to be without,

She was there, right in front of me, walking her way down the stairs with my best friend as she smiled, in a way that caused my jaws to drop. The dimples in her cheeks were one of the many weaknesses she brought upon me,

The chuckle escaping her light pink lips made my arms drop to my sides, nearly feeling defeated as my eyes grew wide, searching to level hers, and without a second thought — I marched towards her, through the crowd of students, shoving everyone who stood in my way, away,

Every step closer made my heart pound even harder, rougher. I was inches away, she still hadn't noticed me when I slammed myself into her, wrapping my arms around her small figure, burying my head in her hair,

And for a short second, the slightest of them, everything felt safe because it was her and me. I got the chance to hold her again, to feel her warmth in my arms — Her body winced back in my grip, her hands flew to my arms as I bent back, still holding her close.

I meet her eyes, her heavenly eyes as she rose a brow, before furrowing them, her nose slightly scrunching most perfectly,

But then, her face fell, the look of disgust she gave me crushed my insides, merely to a knife stabbing within, over and over and over again,

The way she tried to pry me away from her, how her hand's barely wanted to touch mine caused my heart to drop,

The words fleeing her throat, the vocals spitting at me, broke my entire self completely,

'' Get off me, Malfoy—,''

My entire world shattered as I realized,

She wasn't mine anymore,

_____