【   PHONE CALL!  】

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Calling Future Husband👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 . . .
YOU HAVE REACHED THE VOI—

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Incoming call from Future Husband👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 . . .
Accept or decline?

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Hey, sorry I missed your call! I was in the bathroom and thought it would be awkward if I picked up while, ya know, doing my business. What's up?

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BITCH IM DRUNK AS HELL!—

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Oh my god.

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AND I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW I THINK YOU'RE HOT AS FUCK, BITCH!

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Why are you screaming, dear lord.

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CAUSE WHY NOT.

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This is the second time this week you've gotten drunk. You good?

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YEAH, TOMMY! JUST CELEBRATING!

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Celebrating what?

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MY SISTER PASSED— shit that sounds bad. I'm not celebrating because she's dead, she was a complete piece of shit, I'm celebrating because I'm the only living relative that can take care of her son and BITCH I adore children and I haven't seen my nephew in ages! And I've missed the little shit. He gets down here in like three more days.

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That—

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But I'm also trying to drink some fears away, because I have to somehow furnish a child's bedroom and Jimmy and I are both shit at decorating— I'm sure you could tell by how awfully decorated our home is. And again, I haven't seen him in ages, WHAT IF HE HATES ME? WHAT IF MY SISTER TURNED HIM AGAINST ME?

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Why would she turn him against you?

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She hated me. For reasons that were in no way my fault.

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Which are?— If you're comfortable with talking about it.

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Her boyfriend, Gus's— that's my nephews name— father, dumped her and shit cause he came to the realization that he was also into guys and wasn't feeling my sister anymore and two weeks later, we came to learn that I was that realization—he showed up at the house and tried to confess his fucking love to me like some weirdo—and so she blamed me and hated me and hasn't spoken to me in like six years?

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I mean this in the nicest way possible, but your life is hectic. Awful ex-girlfriends, Awful ex-boyfriends, stupid belief that aliens exist— I mean, next are you gonna tell me that your moms a CIA agent who part times as a astronaut.

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Bruh, did you stalk me for the information?

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Are you—

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Joking? Yes. My mother works in retail. Owns a bunch of wedding planning shops around California. And before you ask, my dad owns a bar.

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Anything else wild in your life?

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My first boyfriend tried to connect us spiritually through some like black magic blood ritual and that is not a joke.

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What the fu—

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When I was seven, my cousin told me to jump off the roof of my house because it was the only the only way to unleash my flying abilities. Instead of flying abilities, I got a busted ass nose when my face smashed into the metal part of our trampoline. I jumped just perfectly enough to land on the trampoline but just bad enough to ruin my nose.

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Christ.

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Freshman year in high school, I accidentally joined a cult.

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How in the hell?

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Just doing a casual walk through the woods, not paying attention and next thing I know I'm standing in the middle of a people circle while they chanted some weird shit I don't remember and then they said "Welcome to the blood moon cult" and I panicked, tried to run, and face planted into a fucking tree. Then, when I woke up, they were all standing over me—a dead bird on my chest— as they chanted gleefully about bringing me back from the dead.

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Are you being like honest to god actually serious?

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Honest to god—even though I don't believe in him.

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I don't even know what to say. Is that all or?

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I could tell you more if you went on a date wi—

✰    CALL ENDED!    ✰

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【 NOTE! 】
❨ 4.10.18 ❩
me: is talking to girl
girl: so theres this gu—
me:

make sure to tune in next week for me still being single!

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