You know what's worse than the current shitty events happening to me?

I love Lara, i love them so fucking much, perhaps too much at times. Thinking of liking anyone else in a romantic manner makes me sick t my stomach. It makes me feel disgusting. I hate the feeling. I hate thinking about "loving" anyone else.

Hell. Sometimes just liking my friends can put a weird feeling in my stomach. I know that it isn't healthy, and frankly i do blame him* (not Lara) for the lasting effects of that situation onto me.

Lara is so fucking amazing, and i want the best for them. They deserve the absolute best and i can admit that i'm not that"best" option. Though, telling them that and meaning it is hard, telling then that and then there being a way of them just flaking out of our relationship? It makes me sick.

..

I think i made them angry earlier. I think that i might have pissed them off even more with avoiding to contact them much now.

I feel terrible. Clearly. I tried distracting myself. But i think talking to others made things worse.

I know that they're easily jealous. I think it's honestly cute. But i have no clue how healthy relationships work. Am I supposed to just talk to Jen about it? Avoid the person? It's just— how  am I supposed to react? How do I respond?

I always. ALWAYS have a fucking answer. I always write things down as a "what if@ situation. But this? I have no idea what I need to do.

I don't have any idea how a basic relationship works anyway. Lara/ been in one.. maybe a few? God, thinking about that asshole they dated before makes my stomach churn.

..I just.. I always think that i'm not good enough. That if I can't handle simple things like that, am I even capable of making this relationship permanent? What's to say they won't ever get mad at at me and it's worse then now?

Idk. I can't stand thinking about it longer. I think the pondering about it, and my situations going on has made my doubts more noticeable.

I want to disappear off the face of the goddamn planet. I've practically ignored Lara all day without meaning to. I hate it. I hate it so fucking much. But I can't bring myself to talk to them about it-