overthinking is normal, is it not? so then, if that's true then how come people look at me so oddly whenever i finally open up and spew everything out? Tell me, why does it seem so strange to be an overthinker?

it's a weird feeling honestly. Voices constantly being heard that varies from my own to different voices. some that i know, others that i don't. and a few that can recognise for an unknown reason. All of them talking over each other. Like its a constant battle in my head to "take charge." it's annoying, and i hate them so fucking much.

but. at the same time, it's so uncomfortable whenever they finally go away. I don't like the silence. there isn't even the usual ringing in my head. it's frightening. is that childish? to be scared of your own mind, yet so scared of being alone without them? i suppose that it doesn't matter much.

things change in life. it's natural. I both love and hate that fact within life, within the universe. Change could mean something good, or something even worse than before. I don't know when my world is going to go through this 'change.' Frankly, i doubt it will be happening. My life generally isn't that bad. It's generic. Normal. yet at the same time, not normal at all?

you know. Lying is usually never okay, isn't it? then. why does it feel normal to constantly do so? it isn't as if i lie about anything serious. the lies i tell are usually just to make others feel better and such. But i feel like a terrible person nonetheless.

frankly. i have nothing IRL speaking, i may have a family that in one way or another loves me enough to let me stay under their roof for now. But, they all switch up so quickly that their genuine feelings puzzle me a lot. I've given up on trying to understand them all. Other than them however, i currently know nobody.

i moved from all that previous shit i was in. I guess, it still haunts me and such. But i don't actually have friends of any sort currently. It's pathetic frankly. I have to lie to people i know because they're always like, "you need friends (outside of online). be a normal teenager." so i pretend like i do. I make false things in order for it to be believable.

beforehand, i tended to just take the things i did and talked about with the people i knew here. so that, in a way, it was at least half true.

idk. my head hurts a lot. i've been fading in and out a lot more than usual. nothing helps. my parents won't let me take anything in order to feel better. i've almost died yesterday night. i don't know what happened, but i just couldn't breathe.

i feel incredibly guilty for a fucking incident that happened months ago, one that according to other people wasn't at all my fault. why do i feel so guilty? i don't want to feel like this. i hate being like this. i feel shit. i can't have a moment of happiness without recalling moments with her and crashing down.

why did i fuck up our friendship? was it all me? did i do all of this? i'm sorry. i can't stop screwing over people in the end, honestly i don't deserve anyone. i ruined the relationship/p i had with Abby/Kat. i blocked her on everything. sure, it may have been a toxic one, but honestly, even so she was really the only constant communication i had with people. it's annoying. i hate it so much. i don't know how to feel. should i feel anything? is Abby alright? i would hate if something happened and it was the cause of me. i despise the though of it. i truly do. i hate it. i may not be friends with her, but that doesn't mean i want to see her in pain. you know? she's a child. she has learning to do, no? if anything, i should be more harsher on myself, right? as the older person, the person she proclaimed she "looked up to," i should have cleared that job. i should have made her understand everything more clearly. i should have talked her through everything and pressed on until she showed improvment. right? it's been months. i shouldn't be so worked up over somebody i broke ties with on my own accord. but- idk i can't not  think about it. it's consantly in my head. it never fucking leaves and i don't know what to do anymore. 

i haven't been talking to people all that much. i don't come online as much as usual. i've practically broken ties with all of my original friends without even realising. i never meant to. i could still talk to them if i wanted to, but it feels awkward to just randomly message them now. it doesn't feel right. it doesn't feel like we're friends anymore. i'd take them out of my bio, but that seems rude and uncalled for just because of some paranoid thinking. i want to talk to them about it. but at the same time, i don't want them to say they feel the same and we go our separate ways. i don't like that thought. i don't know if most of them are okay. the only times i know someone is alive is if they end up talking to me first.

what do i do with my life? at this point, i'm obviously the screw up and there's no denying it. i want to get better. i do. but i'm scared to do so. i hate that. i hate myself for being so fucking terrified to get my ass together and fix whatever i possibly could.

i haven't updated things for a while. i doubt many people are even intrested so there's not much of a reason to stay on wattpad anyway. i might quit. the only thing keeping me from doing so is the little interactions i get every now and then. at this point i'm just pitying myself. isn't that funny? the person hating having people show pity, sympathy or anything of the sorts showing it on themselves. what a fucking joke.