do you guys want a random lore drop? the memory is always in my mind so i may as well spill it out - plus, at least this way i'm being open about something in my past that i feel is important.

in around primary school in year three i gained a massive crush on this one guy - Steven. the name doesn't exactly matter, it isn't like he won't find this place.

anyway, little me was fucking in deep for this random dude. in my mind the two of us were best friends but present me realises how utterly wrong i was - we barely even talked to each other.

however the case, younger me was down bad, really down bad for the dude. getting in close with his sister in order to be closer to him, taking notes on everything he did, obsessed over him for so fucking long. my friend should have noticed - i'm sure everyone did to be honest.

anyway, it was bad. I don't recall hurting anyone for him though, but i'm sure that if my friend didn't snap me out of everything i might have. i'm really not a good person.

I know i'm not one of those psycho types, not at all, but even if i share one simple thought and interest as those bitches, i don't trust myself.

to be honest, i think that's the reason i stay away from people. I never tend to let them close because the moment i do, honestly those tendencies come back. not everything. but the obsession i guess.. just weaker?

it doesn't matter if it's platonic or romantic, i just always end up getting so looped into their life. i hate it. Then i try distancing myself but then they think they did something wrong. I don't want them thinking that.

how do i stop? i want to stop. I don't like the fact that i'm way too pushy about people's personal lives, i don't like the fact i have notes on mostly everyone I have ever met. i don't like imagining scenarios (wholesome, I'm not fucking weird-)

i miss my friend, the one that helped me through it all. i hate that i moved away from him. i still need him, he was literally the only one that didn't find the situation funny. my family knew just how bad it was and never treated it seriously. Steven sure as hell noticed but never did much about it.

was it serious? it seems serious to me, right? am i being dramatic? is that just what children did when having a crush? I don't even know anymore.

I just hope that version of me will be locked away forever, I still make notes on those i meet, it's an instinct.. I guess it's a little better that i have people's consent into writing everything though.. I guess.. i don't like it though-

(and by the way, no, i'm not going out my way to stalk people now, and i WAS seven—- now I just kind of make notes of the little things i notice from people whenever I talk to them or their around me.. i wouldn't go out of my way to stalk somebody-)