*Jungkook*

The next morning, I feared the worst. This was the first time I was really afraid to face our leader. Since his outburst last night when he had heard Taehyung and me making out, I did not know how he would react this morning. Still lying in bed with Tae's head resting upon my chest and the blanket pulled up to my lower body, I was wondering if I should just skip breakfast (and with it Namjoon-hyung's scolding) and leave immediately for school.

I was seriously considering it when I felt a pet under my chin. 

"Don't look so serious, you will get wrinkles". Taehyung was awake. His head was still resting on my chest but his eyes were looking straight at me. A grin was appearing at one corner of his mouth. 

" You are stupid!", I answered, "all the time you look serious and disinterested your face should then already be that of a grandpa". Now he laughed. That box smile of his always made my heart flutter.

"Were you thinking about what happened last night?", Tae asked. His long slim fingers were caressing my face.  I nodded. 

"You want to skip breakfast?", he continued. 

"Exactly my thoughts!" This time it was me that was smiling. 

We got out of bed and went to the bathroom. Until now, we had never shared the bathroom. Except for this one time Tae had bursted into it to steal my clothes and he had stripped down completely before leaving again. The thought of hyung naked made me blush. 

" What nasty thoughts are you having now?", Tae said amused. 

I grinned at him, not saying a word though. He just petted my chin once more before stripping down, washing rapidly his body and getting dressed. He let me know that he would take a shower at school after the gym class this morning. It sounded like an invitation to join him. 

"I am done. I will go to the music room to grab my backpack and some stuff I need for school. I will also make some toast. You want one? We can eat it on our way to school". "Sure", I said, "let's meet outside". Tae nodded and left the room.

With Tae gone, I was alone. Alone in front of this huge mirror. Nobody to face but me. I remembered the conversation about self love that Tae and I had had the first time we had shared this room. I pulled my T-shirt over my head and let it fall on the closed toilet seat. Since I had started working out, my body had gained some muscle. Especially the abs. And the thighs. The Jungkook that looked back at me was in shape and I liked what I saw. There were still a few things I had to change but I felt satisfied with myself - something that I had not felt in a long while... not before Tae. Soon, I would be ready to keep my promise and show him how much I loved myself. And especially, that I was ready to love someone else!

I smiled dumbly at the mirror, when the doorknob turned. "Occupied", I shouted. Nevertheless the door opened and Namjoon entered. No one said a word. His cold stare was saying enough.

"We need to talk", he finally said. I kept staring at him. This felt like a déjà-vu. 

"I am a very patient man", he went on. "I never scolded you for anything. Nor did I mock you two for sleeping at night in one bed. Why do you think that is?". I was only shaking my head, making him understand that I had no idea. 

"You are both still young. And when one is young, one is stupid and one might want to try some stupid things. Things that one may regret later. I thought this was it. Taehyung cannot sleep alone, that is something we all know. That he is hugging you (or kicking you in the face) during his sleep is also known and is no problem. But waking up every morning to two HYUNGS - because that is what you are, hyungs - cuddling, holding hands and touching each other, is not acceptable. Your hyungs might laugh about it, because they cannot see what I saw. They did not hear what I heard last night... right?".

There it was. Namjoon-hyung had heard me moan. I felt the warmth in my cheeks. I could not say anything but I felt the panic from last night rise again. 

"Why must it be Taehyung? Why can't it be some nice sweet girl from school, Jungkook? You know how people feel about it? It is disgusting, not natural at all. So tell me Jungkook... Why must it be a boy?".

I started trembling again. I did not want to have this conversation, not now, when I finally had found a place that I loved to call home, where I felt safe and loved. 

"I don't...", I started but could not finish my sentence. 

"If people would find out about you and Taehyung, if they found out that you were gay, they would be angry and start hating you. You would feel their anger and hatred for you...".

I could not take it anymore. Namjoon-hyung reflected exactly what had kept me awake many nights before Tae and I had started sharing a bed. This sickening feeling of being weird overwhelmed me once more. I felt sick of myself. Indeed, what was wrong with me ? How could I feel something like love for a boy? 

Am I a monster? I looked at my hands. These hands had held a boy last night. Not any boy... Tae... hyung... I felt disgusted of myself. 

Namjoon was still talking but I could no longer hear him. He was right though. It was unnatural to feel something for another boy. Not right at all. Hurt, I looked up from my hands into Namjoon's face. I felt hot tears running over my cheeks. I picked up my shirt from the floor and got out of the bathroom.

I pulled the first clothes I could find from my wardrobe, put them on and burst out of the dorm. I passed Tae, who was waiting outside for me, a second toast wrapped in paper in his hand. I did not look at him once. 

Hurt and sick, I started sprinting and stopped my run only when I had run for nearly 15 minutes. The tears on my cheeks had dried when I arrived at school.

***

That day at school, I did not listen to any teacher. I could not concentrate. Namjoon's words had marked my heart. Why could I not be normal? What was wrong with me? I did not understand why I felt this for a boy. I had to change it. I could not like boys....

During lunchtime, as usual, I met Eun Ae-sshi, my best friend. She could clearly see that something was troubling me. 

"What is wrong, JK-sshi", she finally asked. 

I still cannot explain what made me do this. Some knee-jerk reaction maybe ? Instead of answering her, I bend over her and kissed her. The kiss did not last long, neither did she kiss me back, but it was long enough to hurt deeply a person that was passing by. A person that felt something real for me. A person I liked very much myself, even if I did not dare say it out loud. 

Tae had seen us. Tae had seen me kiss Eun Ae-sshi and his face was blank. Out of the corner of my eye, my mouth still pressed on Eun Ae's, I could see him  turn around and walk away.

***

Eun Ae-sshi pushed me from her. She was clearly angry. 

"What the heck is wrong with you? Jerk!" Then she got up on her feet and left me all by myself in the middle of the schoolyard. 

Today I had messed up. I had really messed up.

I felt pure anger. Anger at myself for kissing Eun Ae-sshi, for using her just to prove myself that I am a real boy, a boy who enjoys kissing girls. But it had not worked. I had not felt anything while kissing her. The only thought that had come to my mind was how it would probably feel to kiss Tae. I had messed up so badly. I had hurt and betrayed my best friend and I had clearly hurt Tae... I had not felt so bad in a long while.

When I got home later, Namjoon and Jin-hyung had gone out. Suga and Hobi-hyung were working on some music and Taehyung was fooling around with Jimin. He had slung his arms around his shoulders. He was playing around with Jimin's hair. He was laughing with him, showing him his beautiful boxy smile. Seeing him happy hurt me. And seeing him ignore me, hurt me even more.

I went to bed early. That night, no arms were wrapped around me. I was alone in my bed, a bed that, for the first time, felt too big. I was sad and while falling asleep, I thought that I had ruined in one day every chance of becoming happy ever again.

—————————————

* Namjoon *

When Jungkook had left the bathroom while I was speaking, I felt angry at him at first. But when I thought about his tears running down his cheeks I felt no longer angry at him, but at me. He had left the dorm so fast that I could not catch up with him. I was furious. So furious at myself that in my anger I hit the wall hard with my fist.Immediately Jin came into the bathroom. 

"What's that noise?". 

Then he saw my hand, blood dripping from my knuckles. I had hit the wall too hard. But I did not care. Nor did I feel any pain. 

"I messed up", I explained.

"I suppose the conversation did not go as planned?", Jin asked while taking my wounded hand into his. He looked closer at my wounds, poured some water over them and cleaned away the blood. 

"Not at all. I messed up. Jungkook shut down before I could tell him that I, that we don't mind. But that the world might... He left before I could tell him that it was alright but that he had to be careful when they were outside or when we were promoting. I am not good at this stuff... Jin. I mean talking about feelings. I should have let you do the talking. Ouch...". 

"Sorry, did I hurt you? Let me get some bandages." 

"No it is fine, I..." 

"Just let me get them", Jin insisted. A minute later, he was wrapping my hand carefully.

"Done", he looked up and smiled at me with his dark eyes. 

Freshly patched up, I cupped his chin with my injured hand and leaned in to kiss him. "Thank you for always taking care of me". 

Jin kissed me back. Then he said, "I will try to talk to Taehyung later. Maybe he will listen. But until then, let's go for a walk at the Han river".