Sometimes I really miss my childhood.

Those good times when I didn't even know the meaning of responsibility (other than cleaning up my room regularly and whatnot) and all that I worry about was which toy, or game, I'd play next.

Because times flies so fast and now I'm suddenly worrying about much bigger things. Like now, when I have to choose which university I want to get into and what major I want to study.

And this is something I definitely have to ponder for months - years even. 

I thought that I'd feel much calmer after sending out my applications.

But of course, the waiting game has proven to be tough so far.

To be honest, no one knows about me sending one to a university in New York, except for Rachel and Mom. To get Mom on board with the idea required a lot of persuasions and also reassurance with Rachel's help. Even though she's allowed me to, she'd try to talk me out of it every now and then.

Like now.

We're currently lounging on the couch - just the two of us - as the others are minding their own business. I've guessed she'd bring it up sooner or later anyway.

"Hon, are you sure?" she looks up at me from her phone, "Your sister won't be there with you... You know it'll be much safer if she's there."

"I'll be fine, Mom, it's like 2 hours drive away."

She sighs, "What if something happens? We can't get to you in a minute."

"Technically you can't go anywhere in a minute except to my room." 

My attempt to light the mood is rewarded with her scowl. 

"I'm being serious here, Sasha. You can get hurt and you'll have to fend for yourself! No one to help you, hon," she goes on, "New York is dangerous, especially when you have no family around."

"I'll have friends there, Mom. I can defend myself, but even if I can't, I'm sure someone will look after me."

"Friends won't look after you like family does."

I'd love to correct her statement, but seeing how worried she is, I know it won't help much. Instead, I pull her into a hug, patting her shoulder.

I pull away, "I know you're worried, Mom. But I have to learn to live on my own. I want to learn."

Even after all the explanations and reasons I've told her, she still has every right to worry as she's my mother.

She nods, trying not to appear as worried as she's currently feeling with a smile.

"Alright, hon. I believe in you."

"As you should, mother." I grin and she rolls her eyes, pulling me into another hug.

Weirdly we've gotten quite huggy ever since what's been happening recently.

"Are you two talking about that again?"

We pull away to see Rachel currently descending down the stairs, then opening the fridge.

"You can't blame a mother to be emotional about it, Rachel."

"I know, Mom," she looks on with an amused smile, "but it's still a funny thing to see you so worked up about it."

And she's quick to know how to shut her up completely.

"I'd be crying on your wedding day too, sweetie. I hope you don't mind."

Rachel groans, "How many times have I told you to not make a show at it?"

The Rachel who enjoys attention has slipped away and I can say I enjoy having the complete opposite if it means I can have more stuff to tease her about.

"What a sight," I feign dabbing the corner of my eye, "I won't be able to keep a straight face for sure."

"You mean you'd laugh?"

I scowl, "I'd cry!"

"Then I'll gladly cry my tears out at the airport when you leave."

"I'll be waiting," I smirk and she huffs, taking a seat beside me.

I've imagined how my departure will take place.

Don't blame me, it's nice to imagine such things before drifting off to sleep.

I can imagine the happy tears if I get into that university. I can imagine packing for my move. Even to the first few months when I surely will have to adapt. 

But what I can't imagine is breaking the news to those closest to me.

Will they be sad? Or angry that I didn't tell them? Or will they be so happy that they won't be mad at me?

Maybe Lex and Rosa will be mad at me. Maybe Bryan will be the one who's trying to prevent them from lashing out at me for it.

Miles won't even be too affected by it. Gran will probably be happy (or worried).

Linda will be happy. But I'll have a hard time letting go that too good to be true of a job for sure.

If my thoughts have gone to Linda, then Jo comes next.

How will he react?

He'll probably be chill about it. After all, he's been quite a tutor for me besides a good friend. He'll probably be proud of this girl that didn't even get good Math scores if I get into that university.

The other customers will be fine, as long as Linda is still there. She's the heart of that cozy bookstore after all.

It'll get lonely in New York, I'm sure.

But for something I've dreamt for so long, fearing those things is already far away from my mind.

As long as I can get in there, I'll try to bravely get through it all. Even if I fall sick there, alone, without anyone to look after me. Even if I have to work my way through part-time jobs and the lessons.

"You sure seem ready to pack your bags and go there," Rachel mumbled one night when we had just had dinner outside. Mom was gone to pay for the bills, leaving me alone with my sister.

We had just talked about the whole idea of me applying to go to New York and Mom wasn't convinced at all that night, even with Rachel's help. I was beginning to feel so frustrated by the whole situation.

"I am. But she seems like she won't let me go."

"You know how Mom is. She'd fight for you to stay here like I do even to the last minute."

"Like you?"

She shrugs, "I wanted to go out of town for college," she snorted, "I bet everyone does want that. But she persisted and I guess I didn't mind staying behind for a bit."

"Why?"

"I had Peter back then. I had a lot of friends here. Come to think of it, I wasn't really ready to throw myself out there. Guess I just said I wanted to because most people in my class did too."

I nodded along, wondering how I didn't even hear about that until then. Maybe the matter wasn't that serious to be brought to the table.

"I can see you really want it," Rachel eyes me for a moment before giving me a smile, "Go for it."

And somehow, 1 person on my team was enough to keep me going until now.