2017

New York City

I watch him from the other side of the road; he sits at the window, staring into his phone, waiting on me. I shouldn't have texted him back agreeing to meet. The last time I saw him, I told him that I never want to see him again and yet here I am. I don't know what made me agree to this, I don't know if it was what happened with Safiya, if it was seeing Landon in the gallery, or if it was my mother permeating my life without permission. Maybe it was all of that.

Maybe when I texted Jamie back, in that moment, I was thinking about everything I've lost and how I could find it in me to forgive him. And maybe then, I'd have someone, I'd have him. I draw in a deep breath and cross the road. I try to not to think about it; about Aspen, about Jenna, about him telling me that he loved me, I try to be blank as a sheet as I enter the café. And there he is; he's already had two coffees, he's already ordered us food. He stands up when he sees me. I try to smile at him but fail. Sometimes I hate how transparent I am, I can't fake it at all. But he's Jamie and he obviously doesn't see it.

"Hana, hey..." he says as I sit down. I can smell the food that sits between us and it makes me hold my breath. Why does he think I'm going to eat with him? "I'm so glad you texted back," he says, peering at me with his hazel eyes, his guilty hazel eyes.

"I'm not," I tell him, he swallows, "I'm actually regretting it." He smiles briefly, and I itch to tell him that it wasn't a joke.

"I...just wanted to talk," he says, again, and again, and again. He's always saying that, even in my dreams, even in my nightmares. "Everything was great...what happened?" he asks. I close my eyes and sigh. Is he serious? The fact that he doesn't even know why I broke up with him brings me very close to flipping the table over. I want to laugh at myself. I grab my purse tighter; not that I ever lost hold of it to begin with.

"Where are you going?" I tell myself again that I shouldn't have come. I start to freeze in my place but I don't want it to be like last night, so I unblock my mind and think about Aspen, about Jenna, about standing in the cold, about all the times I've frozen over, and just the thought of it has me scrambling outside.

He watches me with wary eyes, his mouth agape as I stand and leave without another word.

***

When I finally reach Aaron's apartment, it is almost seven. I ride up the elevator in silence; all the walking around has calmed me down. Maybe it's because that I'm so used to being alone that I've started preferring being by myself. Is it weird to feel the most secure in your own company?

As I wait to arrive at the ninth floor, my thoughts drift to Safiya. I used to like being with her. I used to love being with her. The way my mother tries to control me through Saf has put a wall between us. I'm always on my toes around her, like she's judging my every move and it makes me feel like the fourteen year old me again, pressurized, terrified. But I know that there was a time I couldn't go a day without her and Safiya used to make me happy. I also know that she's my friend and I cannot let my mother influence her this way so when the doors open, I'm determined to get my friend back.

But when the door does open, I realize why we never stay at Aaron's...because he's always having a house party. The lobby is a mess, the music is a little too loud, the people are a little too loud, it smells like vodka, there is popcorn on the floor. My heart falls into my gut, my mind starts to twist because there are about twenty people in the living room and yet it's hard to find Safiya. Crowds make me feel nauseous, maybe that's why I like being alone.

Safiya is sitting around in a circle, already giggling, ready to spin a bottle. I sigh and brave myself up as I walk toward the circle, make Caroline shift to the side and sit down next to Saf.

"Hey Saf," I try to smile at her; she knows it's my olive branch but she chooses to ignore me.

"Hey Han, where were you all day?" says Aaron from beside Safiya.

"Just...out," I tell him and shrug, then turn my attention back to Saf, "what are we play-"

"Hey Landon, come play with us!" Landon emerges somewhere from the living room. My throat starts feeing dry. My hands start to get cold. Did she invite him to get back at me? I stare at Saf, waiting for an explanation and when I don't get one, I start to leave. She grabs me by the hand as Landon joins the circle. I can't stay here and she knows that but she smiles at me, the kind that tells me that she's doing everything in her power to hurt me. "Stay Han, it's your favorite game after all..." she pulls me back down so that I'm sitting snug next to her.

Closing my eyes, I sigh, "Yeah, you're right." I tell her, smiling as brightly as I can. She looks away bitterly, she clearly wasn't expecting this. When I look at him, Landon smiles at me but he doesn't say anything and I vow to not look at him again.

"So this is truth or dare?" I ask Safiya. She ignores me.

"Not today, we're playing Kiss or Closet." She announces. I feel the blood drain from my face and then my eyes find Landon again, he's looking at me too. I swallow, noticing that he isn't sitting directly opposite and that's great because I can just ignore him. "So the person at the mouth of the bottle gets to decide if they want to kiss the person on the other end or spend seven minutes in a closet with them." Safiya is backed up with a round of cheers.

Caroline starts giggling, "I think everyone needs a round of drinks before we can do this..." and right on cue, Will, one of Aaron's hot friends passes beers around for everyone and sits down opposite to me. He smirks at me while he hands me a bottle and I chug it down because I'm not looking forward to kissing him at all.

When the bottle has spun a few times, Safiya has kissed three people and one of them was Caroline. Aaron chooses to go to the closet with Madge, another one of his hot friends. While we wait seven minutes for them, Caroline gets mad drunk and Safiya is starting to miss Kiara, her older sister but she still hasn't talked to me and even though when I returned, I was determined to win her back, I couldn't care less now. The way she keeps talking to Landon about our days in San Francisco makes me surer by every second that she's done this on purpose.

When Aaron and Madge return, the bottle is spun again and it lands between Will and me. I groan inwardly when I realize that I don't get to decide what happens next, I'm almost tempted to stand up and leave but Safiya turns to look at me, almost challengingly as if she's waiting for me to lose it, she's waiting for me to give up. I remind myself that I've already run away from one situation today and I can't do it again so I stay put.

"Kiss or closet Will?" asks Safiya, giggling. He chooses to kiss me, I tell him to wipe that smirk off of his face and that it would be short, but he does the opposite of it and tries to get his tongue down my throat which I'm totally not having. I have to push him away rather forcefully and Aaron warns him to not be a jerk.

"What, it's just a game man!" he defends himself. Disgusted, I down whatever's left of my beer and that's when I look at him for the third time this evening, our eyes lock, his face is stern, which translates to one thing; he saw that. Good.

It starts to feel cold inside my throat and I draw in a deep breath. He doesn't blink. For a brief moment I wonder if it affected him, the kiss between Will and I and that's when Safiya spins the bottle and it points at me...and Landon.

"Hana, Kiss or closet?" Safiya asks me, tauntingly, this is what she wanted out of all of this. I stare at her, unable to believe anything she's done tonight, understanding what she said to me this morning, realizing that this is what friends are for. Her smile falters when I keep staring at her, waiting for her to fix this but she only looks away.

"Closet," I announce coldly and look back at Landon. He chugs on his beer and sets it down on the floor.

"Closet, it is." He bites back.