2017

New York

I look at the watch on my wrist for the third time, hoping the seven minutes are almost over but to my dismay, it's not even been one full minute. I sigh, I don't know if I can even do this. I tell myself this is stupid ad start to feel frustrated with myself. With Safiya. With Landon's continuous gaze on me. Even though he's in the farthest corner of Aaron's closet, he's not far enough; I can tell that he's painfully still, I can tell that he's staring at me, waiting for me to say something. I take another step toward the door, until my shoulder is pressed against it.

"What are you doing?" he asks me. I close my eyes and choose to ignore it. I trust myself with this; I can tune him out. "Hana, I'm talking to you." Even with my eyes closed, I can sense that he's closer than he was before, and despite of the guard I have up around me, he bothers me. It bothers me that he's breathing so close to me . It bother me that even though I'm trying to block him out, his words are making my skin vibrate.

"Stop it, stop this – this – whatever you're doing," he says. I bite the insides of my cheeks and start to think of a song to hum but the only one that comes to my mind is the one Frank Sinatra song I'd rather forget. It adds to my existing frustration; it's making me clench my teeth. "Hana," he raises his voice slightly. "Why won't you talk to me?" I open my eyes to look at him; he stares at me like he can't believe me.

"Because I'm fucking mad at you Landon," I tell him, he blinks. I'm trying so hard not to yell at him that it's starting to rip me and I'm about to come undone at the seams. I wrap my arms around myself in a feeble attempt to keep myself together. "We only have five more minutes to go through and I'd prefer we don't talk at all." He stops breathing, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Fine," his tone bites at my edges. It sounds like he's hurt. Good.

I turn away and press my forehead against the cold door. I'm vibrating again. I keep telling myself this was nothing, it was literally nothing and yet I'm disappointed that he's still able to pierce my guard and affect me this way.

I try counting until the door opens but the silence starts to eat at me. Why is it that now that I've hurt him, even though only slightly, my heart feels heavier? I frown at the door. I continue counting, anticipating that the door would open any minute now but when I look at the watch again, we still have around five minutes in here. How is possible that it's not even been two full minutes?

I can hear him breathing even though he's back to his spot in the corner. I glance at him and he's staring at the floor with his hands in his pockets, seething. So he's the one who's angry now? How ironic. I only finish counting to twenty when I realize he might not be seething after all. When I look at Landon again, he's breathing heavily, still staring at the floor. When I keep staring at him, I notice the sweat misting his face. His breathing escalates but he's trying hard to control it. That's when it hits me, he's claustrophobic.

"Landon?" I step towards him but he shows me a palm and sinks down to the floor. My palms start to get sweaty. Shit. I try yelling out for Safiya but she's probably in the living room and she wouldn't hear me there.

"I'm fine." Landon tells me but he's clearly struggling. I cringe, this is so stupid, I should have just backed out of the game. I shouldn't have picked the closet. We wouldn't be here. I call for Safiya again but no one answers. I don't even have my phone on me.

"Do you have your phone?" I ask him.

"It's outside," he tells me, "I said I'm okay." His face is turning slightly blue.

"No you're not." He stares at me, "Talk to me – talk to me, that helps right?" I say, kneeling next to him. This is not happening, I'm in a dream, I'm in a dream, this is just a dream.

"Oh you suddenly want to talk to me now?" he says sarcastically, "No thanks, I'll be fine." I roll my eyes away from him. I contemplate kicking the door open and banging on it but I'm pretty sure that wouldn't work. Why did I let Safiya trap me into this? I look at Landon again and he's nowhere near fine. I take a deep breath in. I have to do this.

"Remember that day we for stuck in the elevator?" I say.

"You don't have to talk to me, Hana." he closes his eyes and exhales.

"You asked me to keep talking to you."

"Right now, I'm asking you to stop because you clearly don't want to do this."

"You're right, I don't." I admit, using all the courage three and a half beers have given me.

"I know I fucked up Hana – I do – but all I want is for us to be friends..." he says, his eyes softening for the first time since we've been stuck in this closet.

"We can't," I tell him, shaking my head. Fucked up? That's what he thinks happened? He fucked up?

"We used to best friends Han, we shared everything, we were so close-"

"And now we're not," I remind him, my voice getting heavier with the weight that pulling me down to the floor. He closes his eyes and tries to calm his breathing down. Out of his gaze, even for a few seconds, I almost let the walls down but then he opens his eyes and they're glistening.

"I'm sorry," he tells me. I stand up and turn toward the door again, "If you won't talk to me, can you at least forgive me?" I turn to look at him and that's all I can do because my whole body is frozen and my ground is shaking. My ears create their own silence, when I look at the door, I see the moth crawling over it, but the door swings open before I can even thinking about touching it.

Aaron appears in the doorway and seems disappointed when he sees me waiting at the door. I breeze past him and a sea of others. On my way to my room, I bump into Safiya who looks more than sobered up now and the look on her face yells guilty. I stare at her for a moment, thinking if I'd be ready to deal with her tomorrow, or ever. I storm away into my room without reaching a conclusion.

***

The moth flutters right before my eyes as it floats away from me. I regret startling awake a mere second late; I could've had it this time. A bitter feeling starts to spread across me. I stare at the ceiling blankly, my brain is fuzzy and it's still dark. I take a few moments to realize I'm not in my bed and that this is Aaron's apartment. Then I hear it again, a knock the door; the sound that woke me up. I glance at the clock on the bedside table; it's three in the morning. I conclude it must be Safiya because she goes through a lot of self – reflection in her sleep. It has to be her. I freeze for a moment, wondering whether I should talk to her after what happened and before I can give it a good thought, the knock comes again, followed by a whisper.

"Hana!" I know I'd recognize that voice even in my sleep and the fact chills me to the bone and makes my throat tingle at the same time. "Hana, open up," He knocks again. Wondering if I'm still dreaming, I make my way over to the door and contemplate opening it. "Please, please be up," Landon mutters from the other side of the door.

Sighing, I open the door. He's very real, and most definitely not a dream. I become aware that he's not wearing a shirt and I make it point that I don't pay any attention to it. But why is he standing partially naked in my doorway at this time of the night? He sighs as soon as he sees me. I frown.

"Why are you here?" I ask him and I sound every bit as annoyed as I am. What I actually want to know is why he isn't wearing a shirt. He's also looking at me like we see each other every day, like we're friends. Everything about this moment is making me even more frustrated than I was in the closet.

"I-" he starts but my thoughts get the best of me. An alarm goes off inside me. Is he in loungewear?

"Did you not go home?" I ask. His shoulders fall and his gaze falls on the wall, unfocused. He gets that look on his face, the one he gets when he's thinking. Then his eyes find mine again.

"Did Aaron not tell you?"

"Tell me what?" I say.

"That he's asked me to stay here for a few days?" he says. I close my eyes. I want to slam the door in his face. I want to scream. I want to shift into a hotel and use the money my mother has set aside for me. I also want to hurt Aaron.

"I'm pretty sure you have a penthouse to go back to and make this easier for the both of us." I tell him, my rage trying to spill out of me. he cringes.

"Well my place being renovated and when I told Aaron that I could stay absolutely anywhere-"

"I'm sure you still can," I say, folding my arms over my chest. He pauses then, taken aback by my determination.

"I'm in crisis, can we please try to be friendly here?" he complains, "I promise, that while I'm here, I won't say a word to you if you help me right now..."