Illumi's real name

Taking a break from shrine building, because it's harder than expected and I might be on a watchlist now

Consume sustenance, partake in refreshments, and allow yourself to restore your health via a good night's rest

When two people love each other very much, they sit in a tree and K-I-S-S.

This may seem as an abnormal activity to partake in. Yet it is, unfortunately, quite commonplace. Certain individuals will even do such acts in public.

Eventually, Silva and Kikyo Zoldyck started to K-I-S-S. And, eventually they bang bang, Pow, powed romantically. Bow chicka bow wow.

"Yuck" -Illumi, age negative 9 months

This is commonly referred to as a public display of affection. And is still up to a public debate as to whether it is acceptable.

When two people sit in a tree and K-I-S-S, they often fall in love. This is due to a mental defect common in most individuals. There is no known way to rid yourself of such defect, except to evolve.

How does one ascend past their human barriers, and protect themselves against the power of love?

In this tutorial, "Illumi" will show you ten quick and simple ways to remove all human emotion and become god. Or, at least, adopt a god in cat form.

—

Step one:  disconnect.

When Illumi was just born, his parents had decided an unfitting name for him.

A name with meaning. Emotions.

It was filthy.

So he changed it, and refused to go by his birth-given name.

Yet, he soon became of age for the emotions to start trying to break his mental barriers.

In order to fight them off, he had to get rid of all sense of comfort in his life. And , after destroying all his belongings, he moved onto people.

"Grandfather."

"R̴̗̱͉͇̰͛̆̒̀Ȅ̶̗D̶͚͚̮̻̓̾̽̌̾́̚A̵͙̐͂͗͐͐̕͝C̸̙̭̘͉̦̯͇͂́̿̋T̸̪̏ͅĖ̵̞̩̗͍̾̐̈́̋D̵̢̥̠͊" Zeno replied, his eyes flicking over to the young boy.

Illumi stared. His eyes boring into Zeno's, head tilted to the side. After a long few minutes, Zeno finally gave in.

"Illumi." He corrected, looking back down at his book as he took a sip of his tea. Already feeling the headache coming on.

"May I kill you?" Illumi finally asked, still staring. His hands folded in front of him, nails sharpening into claws before going back to normal.

"You may not."

"A pity." Illumi turned and walked away without another word. A hint of disappointment in his eyes.

Step two: kill him anyways.

Unfortunately, this part had a very low success rate. Yet, Illumi left Zeno with quite a few scars to remind him of the night. And mental scars, as well.

Zeno would never see avocados the same again.

Step three: fight.

Illumi spent years perfecting his technique. Refusing to have favorites for anything. The second he found joy in an activity or object, he abandoned it.

Until Killua came along that is.

A combination of the only two good things he allowed himself to have in life.

Kill, and UA hero academy. Where he strived to become the very best, like no one ever was. To overshadow his homosexual supporting cast classmates, and stop Kira once and for all. (I'm a nerd guys😖🤞)

He couldn't help but adore the, rather hideous looking baby in front of him.

"May I kill it, father?" Illumi asked, unable to take his eyes away from the creature.

"No, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Silva wanted to say, yet he knew that would be inappropriate. Cursing in front of his newborn might harm its mental growth, and cause it to be less successful in the art of killing.

So, instead, he just said "Ducking dagnabbit you dumbbell, yer' gonna bite the dust if ya' keep talkin' all that horsecrap."

Much more appropriate.

Somewhere, Canon Silva cringed, the so out of character sentence causing him psychic damage.

Illumi kept talking all that horsecrap. And now is very familiar with dirt. Finding it perfectly uncomfortable and unloveable.

Step four: eradicate society

This plan unfortunately failed before it even began. As his father said no, and buried him in the dirt again.

Step five: give up hope, and pray

After a gruelingly long eighteen years. Illumi had failed. Emotions seeping into his heart. Even if he hid them, he knew they were there. He even- blegh- K-I-S-Sed a clown. And then bow chicka bow wowed it.

So, finally realizing it was impossible for a mere human to fight off emotions. He got on his knees, and prayed to the heavens above and hell below. And Chrollo Lucilfer just in case the other two failed.

His father kept blabbering on about "It's an unhealthy obsession." And "you can't have pictures of the leader of the Phantom Troupe all over your walls." and "Please stop saying you'll marry him one day while you romantically caress the picture."

But Illumi thinks he's just over reacting.

Jinx, the cat who had just overthrown heaven, heard his plea. And said, outloud, "meowww"

Which is cat for "meowww."

Hope that help ☺️🙏

Step six: adopt the god

After praying to the heavens, and being chosen by the cat distribution system, you will now cuddle the cat to sleep. Resting well for once as you know you are now incapable of feeling anything but pay gorn.

👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

"SKIDDADLING MICHAEL YEEHAW JACKSON, WHY IS THERE A CAT ON THE TABLE!?" Kikyo shouted quietly and calmly throughout the horse as she shuffled to the left, and then took it back now y'alled.

Illumi cursed, knowing his real name was now revealed to the world. Yet, he couldn't really bother to care. Because he was a poor British orphan, and also because there was a clown in his bed again, keeping him nice and cozy.

Hisoka, who had been randomly teleported here, didn't care much either. Kissing Illumi's forehead as Jinx caused chaos out of jealousy. Going on and on about how the stupid clown was taking Illumi from him.

The end, hope this tutorial was helpful🙏

Word Count: 1068

Fun Facts:

• Just realized that this book had like 7 chapters compared to the Adult Trio one having like 13💀 oopsie daisy

• Idek what I was writing half the time. My first attempt at this chapter was just 780 words of Illumi terrorizing Zeno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (still don't like the chapter tho, oh well😓)

• Wrong Number (HxH) is almost at 1 million reads??? Wth:0