Mhmcnaebabadbadboom dahsdindodososi hdruo Canada (I'm sivk, gonba wtire later👍🤕(

{Edit: I'm keeping that in here because that's just exactly how I felt that day🎷🐛}

How Hisoka and Illumi met [NOT CLIVKBAIT!!!!1!!!!1!!11!!1!!!!1!1]

Eat.

Howdy pardner, y'all know how Lululemon and Hipster were bein' all buddy buddy in them there Hunter examination?

Then Lulu, that city slicker, suck dicker, hit us all with the "I haven't known you for very long, but I know your tastes" to Hipster at the end, y'know.

So basically pardner, what Lulu' was sayin' was that he's tasted Hipster. Winner winner chicken dinner style, finger lickin' good. They saved a horse, rode each other. Yee'd their haws together, ya' got it?

Well ya' see darlin', Lulu was lyin'. Strollin' round town, tellin' the folks he ain't know no hipster. He was embarrassed to be fuckin' them there only my little pony rip off 'round. And yall'd've never guessed.

But I know the truth pardner, so listen up, 'cause I got one heck of a story to tell.

—

Texas, 1982, World war 15

Illumi, strolling around the mall, trying to find a whore to disappoint his family with, laid eyes upon Hisoka. The sluttiest man he ever saw.

So, obviously, horizontal monster mash went on.

Illumi did not blink the entire time. Hisoka was off-put for the very first time, and instantly got more turned on by it. As one does.

̶N̶o̶w̶,̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶i̶r̶r̶e̶l̶e̶v̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶w̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶d̶d̶l̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶s̶t̶a̶n̶t̶l̶y̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶g̶o̶t̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶g̶o̶t̶ ̶d̶i̶s̶t̶r̶a̶c̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶b̶y̶ ̶r̶e̶d̶ ̶c̶r̶a̶y̶o̶n̶s̶.̶ (scrap this, bad plot point)

That was only the first of their meetings. When Illumi went to the circus, for reasons he can't legally tell you do the Impassive Wood Burning act that the Hunter Association administrated after 1999.

That's irrelevant. He was at the circus? And you want to know who he saw, King Henry the VIII. Though, that might've just been a Hatsune miku cosplayer.

He couldn't tell. He was actually tripped outta his mind, having just consume 82 gallons of Helium. To see if his poison immunity would protect him from it. Unfortunately, due to a black cat we all know and love, the helium was spiked with Clown Clown Love Juice.

We all know what Clown Clown Love Juice is, so I'll skip the boring explanation.

He also happened to see a "magician" (clown) we all know and have mixed feelings about.

After Illumi did acts he can't legally speak of, Hisoka had found him. And by found him, I mean he basically had eyes and with those eyes he saw and with his ability to see he see-sawed illegally in Illumi's direction.

Of course that caused Abraham Lincoln to pop out of his grave, and then back into his grave 'cause he forgot he was dead.

So there was a short intermission so Hisoka and Illumi could rebury him, as they respect him deeply for refraining from getting with Obama, no matter how tempting it was.

But Illumi couldn't talk because Helium consumption. If he opens his mouth he'll just float away. Because he was a fairy.

So Hisoka made conversation with Illumi, barely noticing the other's silence because Hisoka loves to talk. Especially about himself. Anyways, then they played strip go fish, since, unlike the majority of the population, Illumi had never played before.

Now, that's because most Zoldycks have never played such games. Zeno is an outlier and should not be counted.

(Edit: Idek what I'm writing anymore, send help.)

Illumi left shortly after, Lorax style.

Talking about the Lorax, I'd like to introduce you to our sponsors, Clorox. A sex toy if u use it wrong enough, if you know what I mean ;) honka honka.

(Edit: I so badly wish to delete that entire paragraph, I might later.)

Okay, we just got word that Clorox has stopped sponsoring us. The cowards.

Moving on with this lovely story, here's how Illumi and Hisoka met for the third time.

You see, Illumi was secretly the dark knight, Batman. And he was out, saving the city. When suddenly Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave. But his old man heart had a heart attack upon seeing a gay man up close for the eighth time, and instantly popped back into his grave.

So, Batman, or Illumi, but that's a secret, pulled AK-47 out from under his hat, and blew the gay man away with a rata-tat-tat. But he ran out of bullets and then ran away, 'cause Hisoka, or Spider-Man came to save the day.

Now Batman—secretly Illumi—and Spider-Man—secretly Hisoka—were passionately staring into each other's eyes as they eliminated everyone in the city. Because there can be no criminals if there's no people. Safety 101👍

Of course, they didn't know each others secret identities. Which is why they decided to play...

Ä̶̢͓̥̱̞́͂̊̓̐̌̕B̵̗̰̤̜̊̅̄͠Ŗ̴͈̹͓̲͉̯̄͗͐A̷̮̮̫͕̳̗̒̍̈́̓̕H̶͙̲̼̳̯̄̀̀͌͑̓A̸̧͍̫̞̦̝͑̄͑͘M̸͕̞͇̱̼̞͈̠̐̌̓͝ ̸̣͙̏́̾̒̐̕̚͘L̴͔̫̱͊̓͛I̴̳̟͉͆̒̃͂̾͛N̷̨̞̻̭̆̍C̷̡̭̺̲̹͒͜Ȯ̴͈̺̮͚͈̀̉̒̆͝͝͝Ǹ̸̡̨͚͖͖̼͕̥̎̋͠ ̷̧̡̧̜̎͂͝P̶͉͕̹̈́͗̓̈́͒̊͋̿͜Ö̶̧̢́̎͊̚̚͠͠P̶̨̮̖̝̺̟̂̅ͅP̸̧̝̲̱̗͑̀E̵̯̜̪͇̝̔̃̿̓́͂́͜D̶͈͉̪̑̅̀͠ ̸̛͉̳͕͉̭̍̀̈́͑͆̈́̆O̴̢̳͕̻̮̅̀̃̅́̓̑̍Ű̸͓̲̲͙̘́T̵̡̡̛͚̣͙̭͐̈́̍̋̄̚ ̷̞̱̩͋͜O̵͇̥̠̦̳͂͊F̴͈̑͂ ̴̛̫̺͕̦̟͜ͅH̴͉̗̱̹͕̮̳́͂̿̓̓ͅĬ̵͓̹͉̘̣̮̘̐͐͠S̷̥̟̲͔̺̻̳͛̍ ̶̡̳͂͘G̴̙̯̪̣̲̈́̽̐̃͋R̸̨͈̦̜̦̉̚ͅÄ̵̦̦̱͙̯̝̮̓͝V̸̻̬͎͖͓̭̏͑͑́̑̏͝Ḙ̵̺͕͚̣̩͕̞̀̊̈.̵̧̼̝̟̰̪̓̀͜ ̷̧͎̘͓̈̄͝H̶͈̦̗̣̟̙̉̎̓͘Ẹ̸͒͐͒͋̈̔͠ ̷̧̲̮̣̳̫̘̩̋̽̌̓͝P̵͔̼͕̯̣͐̽͋̈͝E̷͕̘̬͐͒͒͌͝A̶͎̩̦̜̬̫̙̿́͛̂̈́C̴͈͕͎͍̊̈́͐̿̇̓̒E̵̪̩̥̭͋͂͛͌̀F̵̨̟̅̊̿͗U̸̢͇̟͚̘̞̇̋L̷̨͕͇͇̇̌̏̕͜L̷̾̿͆̚̚͜͠Y̷̨̝̠̻̑́̕͠ ̸͉̱͎̬̫̼͕̓̂̊̂͝A̴̭̦͚͎͕̤͎̹͛̾̚Ţ̷̹̠̍̎̀E̶͈̲̍̐ ̶͍̜̜̓͗̃͊͘̚T̶̟̦̫̲̲̟̖̩͒̊̈͠͠H̵̡̝͉̻͓̰̱̒͂̃ͅẼ̷͚̻͔̭͈͛̇̆͘͝ ̴̨̨̛̱̞͙̰̫̮͒̂̊̀͠͝Ḋ̷͉̖̪̳̘̺̈́̔̈́̌͐̓͜Ȇ̵͕̱͋͋͝͝Ǎ̸̢̢͔̱̓͛D̴̛̯̲̏ ̸̪͕̇̍͒ͅB̷̙̜̬̠͐͜͝O̷̰̮̼͓͗͜Ḍ̷̡̟͖̺͔͋̾͜͝Í̵̛̳͙̅̽͂͠Ë̵̥̣́̃̌̈̋͛͜S̴̛̳͍̤̪͑͂̈͗͒ ̷̜̭͎̝̇̔̊̿͌͐̆̕Ỏ̸̹̱̖̻F̷̠̥͎̙̲̜̞͗͌ ̵̡̮͈̣̼͉̺͗̿͝C̶̡̦͎̯̺͖̿͂̓̊͐͐̕͘Ḥ̷̺̐̀̆̽̾͠͝I̶͓̦̪͉͒̾́L̷̛̞̬͙͖͍̩̾͂͂̏̓̇͝D̶̨͍̬̮̳͉̹͐̇͌̓͋͜R̷̨̛͖͈̝̬͆̆̏̌̈́͜È̵̳̱͉͇̺͉͠N̴͓̟̳̤̎̓̔̊̓̎,̷͕̬̘̳͍̠̼͎̐͂͗͗͂ ̶͔͖͎͎̇͗̋͊̌"̴̧͕͔̺̟̬͔͖͊̋͊̑̉̇Y̴̞͍̽Ǫ̷͉̖͖̒̑́̈́̉̀̊̀U̷̥͚̓͋̾͛ ̸̮̊̇̈́͐A̵͎͍͔̳͉͛̌̒R̶̮̻̋͋̔͋̇̂͝͝Ȩ̵̭̿͂̏͘͘ ̵̯̻̬̪̕ͅN̵͎̽̔̚Ȩ̴̢̬̣͚̦͔̀̍̐͂̉̎͛͊X̷̛̳̽̀͂̑̽ͅT̸̪̔"̷̼̜̱̄̽̚̚͝ ̸̛͍̗̻͖H̸͎̗̽Ĕ̴̪̂̓̏͝ ̷̙̜̹̜͍͖̐̈́S̶͍̲̘̗̥̹̼͌͂̿́̚Ȃ̷̬͎̲̒̅̚I̸̮̮̳͇͉̅̄D̸̡͍̗͖̿͂̍͆̓̚͜ ̴͇͕̈͝C̵͚̮͉̅̿Ą̶̠̻̩̦̼͒͛L̷̥̱̘̱̞̭̽̀̓̾̂̂M̶̩̥̦̟̻̈́̐̔̐͘L̴̘͓̩͙̣͖̈́̒̀̊̇ͅŸ̶͈̗̳̼͙͔̫́̂̐͛̅.̴̛̰̟̊̀̂͂

:)

Mmhmmhmhmhmh, was basically the sound of Batman brutally murdering Spider-Man. This is because Illumi was actually a criminal and so he basically well he, and so, he just basically, yeah.

Batman then left Spider-Man on the cold alleyway floor, turning on his heel to leave. When Spider-Man suddenly choked out, "I hate doors, my beautiful barbecue chicken breast cooked medium rare on a stick."

Batman instantly swiveled around. Tearing off his hood to reveal that he was, in fact, Illumi. Tears prickling the corners of his eyes as he rushed to Spider-Man's side. Pulling off his mask to reveal Hisoka.

"Baby gorilla!? Oh no, oh no what have I done?" Illumi looked at his perfectly clean hands, because Spider-Man, now revealed to be Hisoka, had been very respectful while being beaten up and didn't get blood on Illumi. We love a gentleman😌

(There are two cats on my lap, two. And I am in the most painful, uncomfortable position ever. Help.)

"It's fine.. just.. don't have sex with His Majesty, King Bartholomew Bartholdi the III, the goldfish that the author's sister owns, while I'm gone.." Hisoka mumbled breathlessly, the life fading from his eyes.

"No promises.." Muttered Illumi, tears building up in his eyes as he tried to cradle Hisoka's dying body, but decided he didn't wanna touch that so just kinda sat there like :/

Anyways, that was the last time they met. Until, of course, the next time they met. Because death is temporary if you have enough se-

-ssions of seeding seals in need. Get ur mind out of ABRAHAM LINCOLNS GRAVE, WHICH HE POPPED OUT OF BUT THEN IMMEDIATELY DIED OF SCURVY.

The next time they met was actually at a staring contest competition.

Y'know, because "average person attends one to three staring contests a year" factoid actually just a statistical error, average person attends 0 staring contests a year. Illumi Zoldyck, who attends 200 staring contests every day is an outlier adn should not be counted.

Anywhore, everyone was either too off-put by Hisoka, or fell madly in love with him within seconds, and ended up blinking.

And Illumi just 👁️🌸👁️ (he was eating flowers at the time for substance, multitasking👍)

Anyways, Illumi and Hisoka were the last people left, and were staring deeply into each other's eyes. Hisoka really wanting to win so he could get the fancy kaleidoscope prize, leaned over the table and started making out with Illumi.

A secret tactic that would get banned the next year under 'being a distraction.' Anyways, they kept staring at each other as they kissed.

Mwah mwah.

Anyways, this didn't make either of them blink. What did, however, make them blink was ABRAHAM LINCOLN POPPING OUT OF HIS GRAVE, BUT DYING SCOLIOSIS THE VERY NEXT DAY, UNTIL HE WADDLED AWAY, WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE.

Word Count: 1401

Fun Facts:

• To any of you who haven't heard The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny, you should.

• Well put 'er there, pardner, hope y'all were takin' notes🤠 (I'm gonna make another one of the How Illumi and Hisoka met, because I learned nothing from this chapter except for Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave)

• What has my life come to. What is this chapter. I don't even wanna proceed, wth hell is this. This is what happens when I write a whole chapter at one time😭