No proofreading🙏

Welcome back, it's me, ya boy Toggaf, make sure to eat water, drink food, and get 5+ hours of sleep today.

"Ugh, I'm so goddamn bored," Phinks groaned loudly, over dramatically draped over the sofa. "When's boss gonna call us on our next mission?"

"Don't take up entire couch," Feitan scooted away from the taller but considerably far uglier man. Moving his book closer to his face, ignoring Phinks' complaints.

Moonlight shined in through a small window, giving a bit of light to the dark abandon building. Just enough for Feitan to read without having to squint.

"We really can't know," Shalnark swiveled around in his seat over by the desk. Pressing his palms together, far too chipper for six in the morning. "Isn't that the fun of it? I couldn't imagine living on a schedule."

"Doesn't help me being fucking bored." Phinks countered, swiping Feitan's book out of his hands. Hurling it at Shalnark.

"Woah!" Shal laughed and ducked, the book flying right over his head, and hitting the wall. "You really have to get better aim."

Feitan gave the two blondes an unimpressed look. Watching his book fall to the floor. "That was mine."

"You didn't need it," Phinks gave him a careless wave of a hand, uncaring about the book.

"I know why you think that," Feitan moved to go retrieve his book, crouching down to pick it up, "never see you read."

"I read plenty!"

"Spell plenty." Feitan gave an unimpressed look.

"P-l-a-"

"Wrong. Learn to spell."

Phinks narrowed his eyes. Pushing himself up over the back of the couch, landing on his feet with practiced ease.

"Phinks has a point," Shalnark interrupted just before Phinks could lunge at Feitan, "I think we'd all benefit from something more exciting to do. That's why we decided to stick together after last meeting anyways, right?"

"Of course I had a point. Anyone could with a brain can tell this place is boring as hell."

Feitan stayed silent. Carefully pushing his book back into its spot on the shelf. In between two others, neither he had read.

Both of them were covered in dust. Much like the old, creaking bookshelf they sat on. The few that Feitan had read through had visible red spines from his fingers wiping the dust away as he read.

Unlike the two blondes he was stuck with, he thrived in this environment. Gloomy, and quiet. He didn't need much more.

"What do you think Feitan?" Shalnark asked. Drawing Feitan from his thoughts.

"About?"

"Going and finding something to do?"

"Pointless. Want to finish my book."

"Then we're leaving without you." Phinks huffed, immediately heading towards the door. Ready to be anywhere but this musky, rotting building.

"Don't die." Feitan called out halfheartedly. Looking to see what books caught his eyes.

—

"We're getting a roommate." Shalnark declared as he entered the building again. Almost twelve hours after leaving.

"What?"

"We're moving out this dusty hell hole, moving in with some broke person," Phinks explained bluntly, following Shalnark in.

"What."

"I think he meant to say that we found a new way to entertain ourselves," Shalnark actually tried to get Feitan on board. "We're gonna see how long we can live with them before they figure out we're terrorists."

"No." Feitan shot down the idea immediately. Pretend to be normal, live in some crowded apartment with some random person, just so Phinks can pretend he's some undercover spy?

Absolutely not.

"C'mon, it's only gonna be a week or two."

"No."

"You can kill them if you don't like them,"

"I'm not doing it."

—

"So you all want to be my roommates?" You asked, tilting your head to the side at the three men in front of you.

They were very different. It's hard to imagine them being friends. One's overly cheerful. Another looks like he ate dirt for fun as a kid. And another looks like he ate other kids for fun as a kid.

But rent needs to be payed. And they were the only people you could get to roommate with you.

"Mhm!" The cheerful blonde nodded, elbowing the taller blonde the second they opened their mouth, not letting him speak "Is there an issue?"

"No, no," You rushed out. You could not scare away your only chance of paying bills this month. You cannot afford rent on your own for another month, "Just there's only three rooms, and four of us..?"

They were silent for a moment. And you almost thought you were screwed, before the other blonde spoke up, "I'll sleep with Feitan."

"Absolutely not." The dark haired one, apparently Feitan, said immediately. Staring at the dirt-eater.

"You seemed a bit too eager there, Phinks." The other, more approachable blonde laughed.

So Feitan is the weird edgy one. Phinks is the blonde who looks like he eats dirt.

"Oh shut it." Phinks leaned back into the couch, crossing his arms. Turning his focus back on you "You gonna let us stay or what?"

"Yeah sure," You blinked, took off guard by the overly direct question, "I mean you have sleeping situations figured out. Just don't be too loud."

Silence.

Complete and utter silence.

Until the one blonde you still didn't know the name of started laughing. Full on, doubling over, tearing up laughing.

"It's not funny Shal!" Phinks groaned, kicking the other blondes leg, "I was joking!"

"Don't- don't keep each other up all night-" Shal—as you now know the only normal looking one to be—choked out.

Phinks full on tackled Shal. Tossing both of the m over the arm of the couch. Rolling over the coffee table to the side of it, bulldozing over a lamp.

Shal, luckily managed to catch it and set down gently before it hit the ground and potentially broke.

Which was impressive, considering he was still being violently attacked.

Feitan was still straight faced, as if nothing had happened. Maybe staring at you a bit more than you're comfortable with, but he looked like he'd stare at everyone.

"Tea?" You asked Feitan nervously, trying to not stare at the two men wrestling on the ground.

"No." Feitan denied flatly. His eyes never leaving yours.

"Okay."

Even when you looked away, you know he was still watching.

This is fine. Totally not going to be the worst roommate situation of your life. God, you didn't even ask them about income, or splitting rent.

This is gonna go wrong in so many levels.

"Phinks, Shalnark, ruining floor. Not good first impression." Feitan spoke again. His eyes finally, finally drifting away from you.

The two blondes got up. Dusting off their clothes. Phinks looking reluctant, like he still wanted to throw hands. And Shalnark looking relieved, clearly not sharing the sentiment on throwing hands.

You could feel the tension leave your body as things calmed down again. No wrestling on the floor. Nobody staring into your soul.

But, you have learned a few new things.

Shal is short for Shalnark.
They're going to be the death of you
And Feitan has a speech impediment of some sort. Maybe English isn't his first language?

It's best to track these things. You wouldn't be surprised if one of them decided to become a murderer soon. Your bets on Shalnark.

Phinks is aggressive, Feitan's terrifying. Shalnark's the least obvious answer, and therefore the most likely.

"Sooo," You hummed, hands fiddling with the hem of your shirt as all eyes turned to you, "My rooms at the end of the hall, but the other two room's are completely cleared out, minus beds and nightstands. If you wanna just figure out that situation whenever."

"Last one in a room sleeps on the couch!" Phinks shouted, running off.

Before you could blink, there was no one in front of you. And when you turned back around, the hallway was empty too. All you could hear was the muffled sound of Phinks and Shalnark bickering in one of the rooms. Questioning who got their first.

Yeah, this was going to be absolute hell.

But at least you wouldn't have to wake up and worry about Feitan being in the living room. The thought alone made you shiver.

The things you do to pay rent.

—

"Phinks and I will be taking turns on the couch," Shalnark explained with a smile. But you could tell he glared at Phinks the second you looked away.

"This is so below our means." Phinks huffed, standing behind you as you sat on the couch.

"You wanted this." Feitan grumbled, on the opposite end of the couch. Knees to his chest, reading a book.

What did that mean? Wanted this? Below our means? What, are they pretending to be broke for fun?

Maybe, with what you know of them, you shouldn't question it. They all seemed like they recently escaped a mental hospital.

"Oh! We never introduced ourselves." Shalnark realized.

"I know your names."

You didn't mean for that to come off as creepy as it did. Guess nobody is making good first impressions today.

"You do?" Phinks questioned immediately. Leaning closer, resting his arms on the back of the couch. Eyes narrowing in on you.

Definitely just escaped from the mental hospital.

"Yeah, you say each other's name quite a lot..?"

Watching the two of them—you weren't sure Feitan was even paying attention—simultaneously realize you weren't some stalker, you saw them both go from 'might murder you' to 'ah, big misunderstanding.'

"Of course, of course." Shalnark nodded, gesturing towards Phinks, who backed up, giving you some space.

It went silent once more. It seemed to keep doing that. None of you capable of holding conversation.

Then again, they probably lack human interaction. Given their past as psych ward patients.

"So, are you moving in immediately?" You asked, unable to look at all three at the same time, instead just looking at the kitchen, which came off even more awkward, "I mean you need to grab stuff, or..?"

"Oh no, we don't have anything." Shal—were you allowed to call him that?—assured.

So they're definitely mental hospital escapees. If you had any doubt of that before, you don't now.

"Okay. That's cool. Great, awesome." You're killing yourself after this, "Make yourself at home."

It was clear they already had. Feitan was reading one of your books. On your couch. They already called rooms. They wrestled on the floor.

The things you do to pay rent.

Obviously, the only clear response to this situation with these three lunatics was to post about them on the internet.

—

LowkeyAtRiskOfSuicide
Guys my new roommates are mental hospital patients who just escaped, do I return them?

Powabowwow
Do you have a receipt?

TractorsAgainstDeers
Idk, they probably worked pretty hard to get out

Unflirty
Take the mental hospital to court and claim they're perfectly normal people. Fight for custody.

——LowkeyAtRiskOfSuicide replying to Unflirty
They fought on my floor (and saved my lamp from falling while still fighting) two minutes into entering the apartment. One of them stares into souls. Another throws hands as his favorite hobby. And the other one is likely wanted by the IRS, FBI, CIA, and Hunters association.
I won't be able to defend them

———HiPeople(AndFredrickJohnson) replying to LowkeyAtRiskOfSuicide
A cowards thinking.

Word Count: 1960

Fun Facts:

• Fastest new fanfic drop observed by mankind. Y'all don't appreciate the grind(i don't sleep)

•Every chapter is gonna end with Y/n updating ppl about their roommates. Also they're gonna constantly be like "yeah these people are definitely wanted criminals" as a joke for the next 20 chapters, and still not look into it. (One really deep dive into google and it's all over.)

• New crackfic, but it's actually a crackfic fic this time (Nobody will read it though because it's not a Texting story or common AU that people will read 100 of. Original story ideas flopping core.)