A//N: I FINALLY finished this one. I've been really excited about it but I couldn't figure out how to start the whole thing. I hope you guys like it. (I know I posted yesterday but I just really wanted to get this one out here. Comments are the best. Love you all!!

TW: Suicide (no one dies though), swearing

"Connor, honey, can we just talk about this?" Cynthias voice called from the kitchen where the sound of her wooden chair squeaking against the floor with her movement could be heard. Connor was already half way up the stairs, his hands raking through his hair, tugging desperately to feel something. Anything. He nearly tripped on his way stomping up the carpeted stairs, vision blurry with rage and anxiety. Don't fuck this up. Gosh, Cynthia, leave me alone. Please just leave me alone.

She carried herself up the stairs, swift and light, a large contrast to Connors harsh stomping. A cautious and careful hand was placed against her boy's tense shoulder, he only flinched. Please, I'll just make it worse. But his anger had burned through his body, rage consuming each of his muscles, losing complete control over everything he did and said.

"I just think this will help you. This will pass you ju-" "Shut UP!!!!!" He spun around on his heels, eyes glaring and fists clenched. "It WONT help! You think it will, that it will HELP your FUCKED UP son. It won't JUST PASS! Because it never goes away. It never will." Cynthia closed her eyes slowly, chills crawling up her spine. She breathed deeply, wiping at her eyes to swipe away a nonexistent tear.

"Connor-" "JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" The sound of his fathers chair falling to the floor echoed up the stairs. "Do not talk to your mother that way." He commanded, his footsteps making their way up to the heated argument. "FUCK OFF!! YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO ACT LIKE YOU FUCKING CARE. LIKE YOU NOTICE EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE YELLING. BUT YOU DONT!!! YOU'RE A FUCKING FAKE."

"That's enough! Just stop it!!" Cynthia shrieked, tears finally streaming down her blush-covered cheeks. She reached out a trembling hand to hold Connors, her body shaking. He screamed at himself to stop before he did something stupid, but rage clouded his vision and his body acted before better judgement. Cold, tense fingers slapped her hand away, getting closer to shove her out of his way. stop. Stop. Stop. He clenched his fists, his eyes shut and face red. I can't. I'm such a fuck up. Larry caught Cynthia in his arms while she sobbed, begging Connor to talk to her. What is she not understanding?! The boy shoved past her, slamming the door of his bedroom shut with a satisfying bang. His breathing was ragged, tangled hair sticking in different directions and eyes red with an empty lack of tears. Connor hadn't cried in so long. He figured maybe his body just forgot how to do it.

You fuck up. Now you've pushed over two people today. You're a monster. I can't do this anymore. The world would be better off without you. Before he even knew what he was doing, his window was open, and the collected bottle of old pills was in his hand.

~~~

Evan Hansen didn't really know what he was doing back at the park, the thick letters of 'CONNOR' blazing through his clouded vision. He wiped his eyes tiredly, puffy and red from hours of silent tears. Why didn't it work? His feet hit a few fallen leaves, crunching under the weight and Evan couldn't help but feel a bit better at the sound of nature. No one around, no people to judge him or why he always looked so on edge, no one to ignore him if there wasn't anyone there.

If a tree falls in a forest and there's no one around to hear it, did it even fall?

Of course it did, it just hurt more because no one ever came to see what damage it had done.

He tripped over a root, tumbling to the ground for a second time that day, his arm throbbing at the impact. Not bothering to even stand up, Evan settled himself against the low trunk of the tree, bark poking at his hair. He didn't mind.

Evan didn't really know how long he had laid there, head resting back, his eyes shut and hot tears building up behind his eyes, he just lay in silence. That was, until a loud shout boomed through the silence. He nearly jumped a foot in the air, anxiety pounding with his heart against his chest.

He stood up slowly, cautiously, peering his head around the tree where he saw none other than the school-shooter druggie, Connor Murphy. The last person he wanted to see.

A choked squeak left his lips and icy eyes pierced through his skin. Though, he didn't look angry. Evan had prepared himself to stand up, ready to make his escape from another social torment and possibly beating, when he noticed the limp way Connors chest rose and fell, as well as the orange bottle he clutched in his fist.

Connor was going to kill him self.

"Please dont." Connors eyes shot back to meet Evan's, who cowered under the harsh gaze, his hand instinctively cupping his cast. Expecting an argument, loud yelling and bloodied fists, Evan was surprised at the scoff that left Connors lips. "And why would I listen to you?"

Evan stuttered, fiddling with the hem of his shirt—new, and already fraying with loose thread. "Uh-...um-" "You don't have an answer. Fuck off Hansen, I'll do it weather you tell me to or not."

Evan felt his chest tighten and his breathing become labored, but he pushed on, "But- Your sister-" "-Would be happy if I offed myself, no monsters and fucked up brothers to get in her way and ruin her reputation."

Connor shrugged, looking back down into the bottle he held in his lap. His tone was forced—angry and pained, but his eyes showed hurt, and desperation. "No one deserves to be forgotten." "You can't be forgotten if no one ever even knew you were there."

So that was it, Connor was just like him.

Evan cautiously sat down with his back against the tree Connor was propped against, his body stiff and fidgety, but his mind set on getting at least something right. "I-I-I would be too." "What?" "Forgotten. No one knows I'm here either. What's the point, you-you know?" He talked fast, but, Connor could hear what he was trying to say. What he was trying to prove.

"Well, fuck, Hansen, looks like we both don't matter then." Connor laughed dryly, though his tone was bitter, sounding crushed, with no hope left. He sounded the way Evan  felt. "I know...I know but. But Connor-....." what was he supposed to say? He couldn't convince himself to hold on any longer, so what could he say to Connor that changed anything.

He couldn't.

"Give me one day." "I'm not interested in negotiations, Hansen, you don't wanna get involved with me." "Nonono I know I just. Give me one day to convince you. That- that you're worth it."

Connor scoffed again, shaking his head, but the way his grip on the pill bottle loosened, convinced Evan that this might be working. "I hit my mother today. I told my sister to die, hell, I shoved you over in the halls today. Still think I'm worth it?"

Evan held his gaze, his eyes wide but determined. He nodded.

Connors face faltered, obviously not expecting that response. His eyes felt tight, throat aching with his nose. Was he....crying?

Hot, thick tears began to track down his cheeks, the foreign feeling only making them fall faster. Evan day awkwardly, watching Connor's mask crumble in front of his eyes. He'd always been bad at comforting people, like— what are you supposed to do when someone you hadn't ever talked to until today when they pushed you over in the hallway and called you a freak, starts crying? Hug them? That was out of the question, he didn't know boundaries, and he definitely wasn't going to take the chance at crossing one of Connor's.

So, he sat stiff in his place, fingers fiddling rapidly with the plaster of his cast while he waited for Connors breathing to settle. And, eventually, it did. He avoided Evans eyes as he nodded, emotionally worn out, worked to the bone from his episode.

Their gazes met, eye to eye, and Connor nodded again. "I'll....one day." Evans heart leapt, glad he made a difference for even just 24 hours. He only hoped now, that it'd work.

The blonde brought Connor home that night, stumbling profusely over his words. Heidi wouldn't be home until the next morning, so Evan led the lanky boy up into his bedroom, carefully kneeling down to expose the white pull out mattress from under his bed. It was small, but it would work, the comforter was one lined with small green trees, and the silky white pillows were tucked neatly in his closet, as well as a few green blankets, matching the color of the small trees of course. His mom had given him that set for his fifteenth birthday, the year he decided to work at the nature preserve. He'd let go for awhile that night, finally letting himself talk. He had babbled every fact he knew about trees to Heidi, who smiled through all of it, just happy that her son had found something to pin his star-filled eyes on.

Connor stared blankly at the light blue walls of Evans room, he didn't say anything, he didn't move, only stood, arms hanging loosely at his sides.
"Uh, so...you-you can sleep here? Or I could if you'd rather have the bed I don't mind! And...uh...I'll get you- I'll get you a pair of sweatpants to sleep in if you-"
Evan didn't get a chance to finish because Connor folded his long legs onto the small mattress, laying onto his back and facing the ceiling.
"Okay...uh...I-I hope you don't mind that we'll be...uh, I hope it's okay that we're gonna be in the- we'll both be in here." The blonde managed before going to dig through his dresser for a pair of pants he thought would fit Connor.
"I'm not changing."
Connor grumbled, eliciting a small squeak from Evan, this was the first thing he had said. Evans eyes widened but he kept his gaze carefully on his dresser.
"Oh..I- okay."

The shorter male stood frozen for a few moments before picking out his own pajamas and turning to face Connor.
"I'm...are you okay here for a minute...while I go-go change?" He asked quietly, earning a grunt from the bundled lump of brunette hair on the bed. When had Connor gotten under the blankets? That doesn't matter, what mattered was he looked tired. So Evan nodded quickly, his fingers still sew tightly to the hem of his shirt while he shuffled into the bathroom.

Turning on the lights with a click, and setting his pajamas on the single-sink counter, Evan stared at his reflection in the mirror. "Breathe Evan, this is gonna be okay. He's not dangerous. He's just hurt. Maybe-maybe we can get each other's emails after this. Yeah. Then- yeah, we can become good friends and- and maybe we both won't feel so alone anymore." He told the image of himself staring back at him with a forced, awkward thumbs up and a crooked smile. The blond sighed in defeat, turning the faucet onto cold and splashing some water onto his red-hot cheeks.

With a last look at his reflection, the boy quietly changed his clothes, making sure to brush his teeth and shut off the lights before trotting back into his room.

He couldn't tell if Connor was asleep when he had gotten back, because all that could be seen was the messy mop of tangled brown hair and a lanky lump under the covers. So, Evan decided it'd be best to just get himself situated, fluffing out his blankets, while cringing at the seemingly-loud noise that he was created, and letting his heavy head fall back onto the pillow.

The silence of the room felt as if it was eating at Evans insides, making his brain itch with thoughts and worries.
"Hey Connor?" The blond spoke quietly, hoping that the other was still up.
"Humf." Evan felt his heart jump at the realization that, yes, Connor was awake.
"Oh uh....I was uh-" it dawned on Evan that he had no clue what he planned on saying, not really expecting to get a response.
"Well...I-Uh....can we talk? I mean- youdonthaveto- I- Itotallygetitifyouretiredandyouwanttogotobed. I'm sorry just forgetIsaidanything-"
The rustling of the sheets next to him caused Evan to open his eyes, which he hadn't even realized had been shut tightly in fear. 

"Sure, let's talk. Just stop rambling, okay?" Connor said gruffly, already sitting up, his long legs crossed and the blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

"I uh....I don't really- I don't really know what to say..." Evan mumbled sheepishly, his fingers finding their way back to each other to play with the skin along the edges of his chipped nails.
"Well Hansen, why don't we start with the elephant in the room. The question were
all dying to know the answer to. 'Oh Connor, why'd you try to down a bottle of pills tonight?'" Evan stared wide eyed at Connor, who looked at him with a "well? I told you so didn't I?" expression lining his features.

"Nononononononono that wasn't what I meant I just- I- I hate sleeping in silence so sometimesIplayavideoonmyphonebutIjust- I- I thought maybe we should gettoknoweachother."

Evan had rambled again, spruce, why do I always have to make everything so awkward? Connor looked up, a blank expression still on his face, but a new emotion in his eyes. Did Evan....really not want to know why? No. Of course he did. He's just trying to get you to trust him so you blow up and then he'll tell the whole school what a fucking-

"Okay well, my names Evan Hansen, you probablyalreadyknowthatbut- I like trees...and uh...this summer actually I worked at a placewhereIgottoclimbtreesallthetimeanditwasreallygreatbut- I'm gonna stop taking now."

Connor let his tired eyes linger on Evans for a minute, their lids falling half shut but he didn't want to fall asleep just yet.
"Connor. My names Connor. I like nail polish and I'm a school shooter apparently, if you haven't already heard." He said sarcastically. Connor hated that he always felt necessary to put on that steel face, but- he honestly wasn't really sure what else to do, you can't trust people.

He wants so be friends with you!
No, he doesn't, are you oblivious, he's just gonna break you down.
Then why did he stop me tonight?

Connor shook his head, pale hands going up to pull at his hair instinctively. Evans blue eyes widened, "what are you doing? Are you okay. Oh fern this is all my fault you should just go to bed and I'll just- just-"
"Shut up Hansen, I'm fine." Connor mumbled, pulling the blankets tighter around his body, his knuckles white from the tight grip he held on his own hair.

"You want to know why."
"I...huh?!"
"Don't okay dumb with me Hansen. You want to know what drove my mess of a fucked up brain to try and down a bottle of pills."
"Nonono! That's not it at all...I-I don't care. Well, no. I do care, I'm not saying that it doesn't matter to me. Because it does! I'm just....no no never mind. Care. I just- you don't have to tell me-"
"Just shut up!"

The two sat in silence for awhile, Evans eyes wandering around the room in search of something, anything to break
the silence.
"My family's shit."
"Wh-what?"
"My family. They're shit. They think I'm faking all this fucking shit. That I'm always high and fucking wasted." Connor gruffly explained, lifting his bored eyes to look at the small boy sitting on the mattress above him.

"Oh..." was all Evan could muster.
oh? Seriously? Is that all?

Connor made a noise that sounded like a laugh, but choked, and angry. Like pent up energy in a vile that would bubble over and blow the cap off of not controlled with the right care.
"Yeah. 'Oh'"
"M-my dad left."
where did that come from? Nonono bad idea. Are we really telling this to CONNOR MURPHY?
"I was seven. I thought we were happy. And then one day he just- he just showed up with a U-Haul truck and he never came back. It's just- now it's just me and my mom" he laughed quietly, but it wasn't in humor.

"Just me and my mom...."
Evan finally let his eyes fall back onto Connor, where they looked at one another for a few minutes.
"Oh" Connor offered a smile, a forced smile. One that didn't show happiness or care, but instead, understanding and pain.
Evan shoved his sweating hands into the pockets of his sweatpants, shaking his head and looking down.

"I feel everything. There just wasn't enough positive emotion to balance me out" Connor spoke quietly, his obsidian gaze still avoiding Evans.
"Hm?"
"It's...it's from "The Politician" it's just....a quote...speaks to me, you know?" He huffed, receiving a squeaky jumble of agreement from the boy next to him.
Silence began to creep in from the corners of the room, and Evans breath hitched. He just wanted to say something. Wanted to be able to hold a conversation, to be normal.

"Do you have nail polish?"
"H-huh?"
"Nail polish. Do you have any?" Connor asked again, lulling his head back in exhaustion, although he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep if he tried.
"Well...my mom probably does. I'll-I'll go check the bathroom.

Evan crawled out of bed, the cold air hitting his back and causing a shiver to climb up his spine. He pulled open the mirrored cabinet in his mother's bathroom, taking out the small basket of nail polish she owned for no reason. It's not like she ever had time to paint her nails.

The tiny glass bottles clicked together as he stepped back into his room, meeting Connor's eyes through the dim light.
"I'm gonna turn these on." The blond gestured to a small plug that hung near an outlet before inserting it into the wall. multicolored Christmas lights illuminated the small room. Connor felt his lips curve into a small smile at the sight, letting his gaze fall onto each bulb. And it was only then that he noticed the glowing green stars that were stuck to Evans white ceiling.

"Did you want to....?" Evan set the basket down on the edge of his bed, settling back with his feet folded beneath himself.
Connor nodded silently, taking the small basket into his hands and picking through it until found a light blue color. "Can I...?"
He gestured to Evans hand, which the boy held in his other one.
"Oh uh...yeah- su-sure I've never...I've never really painted my nails before."
"It's worth it, trust me. Now, hand."

Small, unrecognizable sparks seemed to flow through Evans body at the contact, and suddenly his body was crying to him, reminding the boy of how long it had been since he had been touched by another person. The nail polish was cold, an icy-ticklish feeling erupting against his nails and earning a small giggle.

Connor smiled slightly at this, still making sure to have a steadied hold on Evans hand and the brush. He carefully guided the small cap along each of the boys nails in front of him, his tongue peaking through the corner of his lips in concentration. Evan watched in awe of how delicately Connors thin hands moved, painting perfect lines onto his nails, not once getting polish anywhere but the dedicated place. It was strange to see such a strong and harsh-seeming boy be so carefully quiet and focused.

Evan had to stifle a yawn as Connor finished is first hand, the boy making a small motion for Evan to give him the other one, which he gladly complied to.
The brunet noticed Evans change in demeanor, his shoulders falling from their stiff hold, and his hands settling lightly in his hold. "It's relaxing, isn't it." He spoke, voice rattling and scratchy in the quiet. Evan hummed, nodding his head a few times before yawning again, only this time not bothering to cover it up.

"I'll let you go to bed right after I finish this last finger, okay?"
"Mhm..."

And when he was done, Connor kept to his word, telling Evan to get some sleep and repeatedly assuring him that turning on something for background noise wouldn't be bothering him in the slightest. He was crashing at Evan's house after all, Connor still had a slight bit of decency. So, both boys settled back into their warm blankets, a quiet video called "the asmr of nature" playing from Evans phone.

The blond wiggled his fingers, holding them up towards the light to get a better look at their shiny blue color. He smiled, "I like them....thanks Connor." A gruff "hm" could be heard from the tall boy next to him, and a light blush spread across Evans cheeks, dusting the freckles that's littered his face a peach pink.

Connor stared at the ceiling for a moment, sighing deeply and shutting his eyes. Maybe this wouldn't be too bad. If he had Evan, maybe...just maybe he'd be able to make it through this mess. Maybe one more day wouldn't be too bad.