After a usual day, or what others would describe as boring, the school bell finally rings, signalling the end of class. The term has just started but the assignments are already piling up. I go to the library to spend some time there, reading. I don't think staying back after school would be a big deal, given that my dad wouldn't notice my absence or notice me for that matter. 

I stroll around to my favourite section, Fantasy. The things that happen in these books are so unreal, it makes me wonder how would it be like to be there for once. To be lost in a world of, unknown and bewitching creatures. As I walk by searching for a delightful book to binge read, I see a romance novel in the Fantasy category. 

Which idiot was so careless to do this?

I pick up the book to keep it back where it belongs when my eyes stray to the description of the book automatically scanning the words. It's called '50 first dates' and once I read the description of it, I wondered if someone would do the same and go out with me. Then I remembered no one knows I exist and could only happen if I ran away from home and get a new identity. But that is only a dream. 

"Vanessa, dear. What are you doing here so late?" asks our school librarian, Mrs Ruth. She is a kind lady with salt-and-pepper hair, who is probably in her late fifties. 

I like her because she suggests me some great books to read and is also one of the only few to identify me by my name and not as Derek's sister. 

"I wanted to take a book home, to binge read this weekend," I say, smiling at her. It was probably the first time I smiled this day. 

"That book in your hand is a good one. I remember reading it for the first time. Made me wonder if I'd ever find love so honest as the characters had," Mrs Ruth looks up as if she were in a daze making me think she was lost in time. 

"Well, I don't usually read this genre. But since you suggested it, I'll give it a shot," I say, walking towards the exit. 

"You won't regret it,"  She follows me to her desk. I check out the book and go out to see that there was no one in the hallway.

This sure is peaceful. There is no one to annoy me, no one to comment about me or no one to tease me for who I am. I take out my hoodie and take it this new freedom. I am walking down the hallway, looking for a way out when I hear footsteps approaching. Some guys are cheering, hooting and laughing loudly. I didn't want to face them and become a target.

I try to hide in the nearest classroom, but they all seemed to be locked and with no other alternative, I sneak into the janitor's room and wait for them to pass.

It is dark in here and I am afraid of it. I am looking for my cell phone when I hear someone clearing their throat behind me.

"Ahem, excuse me," comes a manly voice, from behind me. I turn around, wondering who was it when I make out a figure standing in the dark. 

Shit!

"Who is it?" I ask, slowly as I turn on the flash. 

"Urggh, do you want to blind me or something ?" he asks, covering his face. I see that he has a good build and judging by how far his voice seemed to be coming from, he is probably tall. 

"Sorry," I say lowering it. 

"What are you doing here ?" he asks, his voice a little clearer now. Maybe he strode a little closer. 

"Wanted to escape those people," I say taking a step back, and hitting the door. 

"Why?" he asks, tilting his head. 

"Um.. you are not from around here, are you?" I ask since everyone here avoided me like the plague and had a vivid idea of who I was, if not my name. 

"Argghh, well, " he says, scratching the back of his head. 

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" I question wondering who this new person is. 

"Shush. Please don't tell anyone. I beg you!" he whispers, while taking a step to cover the distance between us.

"Who are you?" I try to push him away from me, but accidentally hit his chest

Wow, he sure works out!

"Umm, I trust you and I hope you won't say anyone about this. I'm Se-" a loud bang interrupts us and the door opens,  pushing me right into his arms. We fall on the floor below, given my clumsy state, and I hit my knee on something sharp. My phone falls down and I distinctly hear a crack.

"Arrgghhh. Shittt, " I let out a sharp groan. 

"What is going on here?" asks someone, flashing a light at us. 

"Umm-- not what you are thinking," I say slowly getting up, brushing my dress. 

The guy on whom I fell doesn't come out and sticks to the shadows.

"Whatever, leave now! This is not a place to make out. Get out!" the janitor yells, sneering at me. 

"What? But I wasn't ma-" I yell because I know quite well what this nincompoop would do.

"Get out!" the janitor yells.

"I better go!" I say, turning around. Given the way he was sticking in the shadows, I couldn't see his face. All I can see is his thick mop of hair, which seemed to be gelled and his high cheekbones. 

"But--"

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone that you were here," I hurriedly say while picking up my books.  My bruised knee doesn't let me walk fast so I end up limping away from school. What I expected to be a normal day, turned into an unusual one and not in a good way. The janitor has a bad habit of mentioning whom he catches in his cabinet on his stupid display board, to embarrass the kids and I wonder what would happen come Monday. 

Apparently doing this would ensure the kids don't do such stuff. They don't know that all the kids practically have his schedule and if not here, in the parking lot, the kids won't stop. 

I mentally roll my eyes at the things that happened today. I limp back to the exit and once I reach the school gates I realise that it's twilight and the sun is close to setting down. 

The beautiful tones of the sky, make me feel better. The orange hues mixed with a little red and light pink hues look so beautiful. The dusky sky reminds me of the good old days and I take a detour and go to my favourite place. It was a deserted area by the woods and was a little rocky here. The elevation is a little high and it felt like a small hill that overlooked the area around. 

I go to my favourite place, which is like a cliff where it feels like the clouds surround me. I climb the rocks, with a trembling leg given the rocky road and find a path that leads me to the cliff. I take a deep breath the minute I reach the top. The air filled my lungs and it felt so blissful being up here. 

Using a few sticks lying around I sit down carefully, trying not to hurt my knee. I stretch my leg and examine the wound. It isn't anything bad, but the blood on my jeans told me otherwise. I take out my first aid kit from my bag which I always carried with me because as a kid I was bullied a lot. I had a fear of dying because of the loss of blood. The worst kind of phobia anyone would ever have. Some call it Hemophobia, but I wasn't really afraid of the blood. It's the consequences later that scared me, and yeah needles too. 

 I slowly clean my wound and put a bandaid on it. My jeans are now ripped and guess I lost my favourite pair. 

Maybe today wasn't my day!

I'd often come here with my mom and would spend the evenings watching the sunset. I could see the sunset and the soft breeze stinging my face. The leaves swayed the rhythm of the air around and my heart matched its pace. It was so calm and made me forget how much I disliked my life. I wonder how'd it be like if my mom was still here?

I see the stars coming out and a few fireflies encircle me. Their soft glow is so beautiful that it enchants me. I stretch my hand and one of them sits on my hand. It feels so delicate and mesmerising. 

The streets were filled with vehicles and the city lights looked so fascinating from afar. They reminded me of my life, which looks good from afar with the house and my family or well half family but when you actually know me personally you will realise how screwed up I am. 

I take out my mobile to take a picture to capture the view, because even though I am not perfect - the view is when I see that the screen has cracks on it and the phone is switched off. 

"Oh, damn! Why couldn't for once things go right!" I yell frustrated. 

I almost throw my phone away, but then I realise this is the only good thing left in my life and I needed it. I put it back in my pocket and get up slowly. 

I lose track of time as I stare at the night sky, stargazing. After a while, I limp down and almost lose balance on the rocks, given how dark it is now. Thankfully, I know this place like the back of my palm and the moonlight is enough to guide me through the rocks. I take the less rocky path, which was a little longer but much safer. 

I reach the foothills of the safe haven, as I liked to call it when I see the local flea market in full swing. The market sold everything from bracelets to pottery. From textiles to imported goods, they had it all. The soft lights of the market made it lively. The chatter of the people around subsides as I walk home.  

I open the door to see my dad and brother busy having their dinner. Their voices are a low murmur, blending with the clinking of cutlery. I close the door softly, hoping not to draw attention, and carefully make my way up to my room. My steps are slow, each one sending a sharp pain through my bruised knee.

"Where were you?" asks my dad, not even bothering to look up.

"School," I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Hmm," he grunts, his eyes never leaving his plate, not even glancing at my injury, which I'm sure is visible.

"Did you tell your teachers about your brother's health?" he asks, finally looking at me with a critical eye.

I stop limping and clear my throat, ready to answer. Before I can speak, Derek interrupts.

"Dad, Ron called me. He must have told the teachers."

My dad's eyes snap back to his plate. "So you didn't even do the one thing I asked," he says, his voice dripping with disgust.

I lower my head, staring at the floor. How do I explain that before I could inform anyone, the entire school already knew?

They return to their dinner, not bothering to ask me anything else or notice my limp. I turn and head to my room, the stairs feeling like a mountain with each painful step.

Inside, I collapse onto my bed, burying my face in my pillow. Hot tears spill over, soaking the fabric. My pillow knows all my secrets; it's my only confidant.

Why did life have to be so cruel? Why did my brother have to be so perfect? Why am I like this? Mom, why did you leave me?

I reach for my diary, my fingers trembling as I open it and pick up a pen. My entries are always filled with anger, fear, anxiety, or sorrow. There hasn't been a happy entry since my mom died.

"Dear diary," I begin, writing the date at the top.

"Why did life have to be so cruel? Why are the best flowers always picked first? Why did God take my mom away? If He liked her so much, couldn't He have waited?

I met a stranger today and ended up bruising my knee. It hurts! But all Dad could think about was Derek and his fever. I wonder if he's pretending to be sick to skip school?

Why doesn't my dad care about me? Am I that bad, or does he just hate me? Why am I not like my brother—better and perfect?

Mom, I wish you were here. Every breath feels suffocated, every moment strained, and everything feels incomplete without you. Come back, Mom. I miss you!

Sometimes, I feel like I'm not good enough, and maybe if I wasn't here, my dad wouldn't feel so stressed. He always seems bothered by my presence. He hates it if I even breathe. Every step I take is wrong. Even the clothes I wear aren't 'appropriate,' as Dad always says. Why did life have to be like this?

I just wish there was someone who cared for me. Since my mom left, no one even bothers about me. Is it too much to ask for my dad to just love me a little?

See ya soon!"

Writing everything down makes me feel a bit better, like a weight lifting off my heart. My stomach rumbles, reminding me I haven't eaten since lunch. I change out of my clothes and head downstairs to the empty kitchen.

I rummage through the fridge, finding nothing. My stomach grumbles again.

"Wait, let me cook something!" I say to my stomach. I grab the peanut butter and jam to make a sandwich.

"Do you know how many calories are in that peanut butter?" my dad asks, entering the kitchen.

"Umm—"

"You should eat healthier food. You are gaining weight!" he reprimands me.

"You haven't left me any food to eat. What am I supposed to do?" I ask, feeling anger rising within me.

"I didn't know if you were coming home for dinner. You should have called," he yells back.

"My phone broke!" I shout, frustration spilling over.

"And that is my fault?" he yells resentfully.

"I didn't mean that. I—"

"Don't answer back!" he snaps, leaving the kitchen with a glass of water in hand.

Tears well up again. I try to hold them back, but soon, hot streaks run down my cheeks. Just when I think I've hit rock bottom, life proves there's always further to fall.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hello guys. I hope there is someone out there reading this book. If you do, let me know by dropping a comment, it would mean a lot to me.

And thank you for checking out this book. If you like it plese do vote for it, comment and share it. 

Until the next update.

Lots of love, 
           ~ Vaishnavi.