Two days later Blanca finally gets the approval to become Austin's temporary guardian, and right after dance practice I head over to see him.

Blanca's house is small but inviting. Her son is off at college, so Austin is using his room for now. The walls are plastered with basketball posters and book shelves are bowing under the weight of countless sports trophies. Austin is sitting on the made up bed. He hasn't unpacked his backpack and is doing something on his iPad. He looks ready to jump up and run at a moment's notice. His shoes are the only part of his clothing he's taken off.

"Tia said they're still processing paperwork. Pixie went back to Ray two days ago. I..." he closes his eyes and pushes the iPad away, barely looking at me. "I can't wait, Rory. Who knows what the hell has happened to her already."

"What are you going to do?" I ask, sitting down beside him.

Austin looks at me, his green eyes full of determination. "I'm taking the van. They finally gave it back to me, so I'm going to get her."

"Austin, it's too dangerous," I say.

I was expecting this and just hope I can manage to talk him out of this suicide mission.

"I don't care. I'm free and I have a car. I can't live with myself if I just sit around here waiting!"

"Then I'll go with you," I say suddenly. If I can't stop him, I might as well be with him.

"Rory, I can't let you-"

"You're not letting me. I'm going, whether or not you say I can," I say stubbornly. "And we'll take my car. Your van is too noticeable, and they'll be expecting it."

Austin studies my face for a long time and then finally sighs, resigned. "Fine. We leave tonight. You can't tell Blanca, Seth, or anybody."

"You know I wouldn't, and I'll take something with us that will ensure we get back in one piece."

"What?"

"My dad's gun," I say, swallowing hard.

Austin raises his eyebrows. "Have you ever even shot a gun?"

"I've never even held one," I say. "You?"

He looks away from me, some dark memory playing in his head. "Yeah. I've held one, but I've never shot one. Maybe we won't have to."

——————

It takes approximately three hours to drive from Dallas to Oklahoma City, if you speed, and we're speeding. It's one in the morning, and the freezing rain that's hung over Dallas like a ghost for the last few days must have started out as snow in Oklahoma. The empty fields blurring past my Mustang are spotted with snow that shimmers blue in the moonlight. It'll take much longer to get there if the roads are bad, and as the air gets colder, the road gets worse. I'm forced to slow down to a crawl as traffic inches forward on the icy interstate.

We don't talk. We don't listen to music. There's nothing but the sound of the road, slick with snow and ice, spinning out under the tires. Austin has told me about Oklahoma's legendary ice storms, but I've only seen a little sleet back in Dallas. Nothing like this.

"You okay?" he asks me after awhile.

I nod. "Yeah. This is just tricky."

"Just keep at a low speed and try not to hit the breaks. If you have to, tap them first. Do you want me to drive?"

I shake my head. "Nobody drives The Vader but me. Sorry." I force myself to crack a smile.

"I see how it is," Austin says jokingly, and I laugh.

"I'll be fine. I just haven't driven on ice this bad," I say.

One hundred and ten miles to Oklahoma City. Right after we cross the Oklahoma/Texas border, it starts to sleet again. Ice snaps against the windshield, the sound like sand sifting through an hourglass.

"I'm going to stop for the night. Driving on black ice is not a great idea," I say.

"No, just keep going. I'll drive if you want. We can't stop!" Austin says hurriedly.

I know he's worried about Pixie because he would normally never suggest something that would put me in danger, so I attempt to talk him back to reality.

"Austin, it's too dangerous to drive all the way to Oklahoma City tonight, and the sleet is getting worse. I can barely see three feet in front of my car. The further north we go, the worse it'll get. I'm not going to get into a wreck and officially ruin any chance we have of saving Pixie."

Even though I can tell he doesn't like it, Austin relents. "I guess you're right."

I continue on to fully convince him. "The only thing worse than driving on ice is driving on ice at night, and the temperature is dropping. I'm sorry, baby, but we can't risk this."

When we reach the rocky hills of the Arbuckles, I pull into one of the many motels off the interstate and pay for our room with cash. I avoid saying anything that will remind Austin that Pixie is stuck with Ray for yet another night.

The motel room reeks of cigarette smoke badly masked by flowery, useless air freshener. I shake off my coat and shoes while Austin sinks down onto the bed, looking numb.

"I'm gonna take a hot shower," I say, kissing the top of his head.

As I flip on the light in the small grimy bathroom, I take a deep breath and look back at Austin sitting on the bed. I'm debating whether or not to ask, but what do I have to lose? All I want is to be close to him tonight.

"You wanna join me?" I ask softly.

Austin's head snaps up in obvious surprise. An eager flash of desire lights up his eyes for a split second before they fill with sadness again. "Don't think so. I'm sorry," he says softly, looking away from me.

I nod. "No big deal," I say.

I strip, start the water and then get into the shower alone and close the curtain, letting my eyes close as the warm jets massage my shoulders. I have been so careful not to push Austin sexually. I have been so patient waiting for the day we can satisfy our physical desires together, but it's not fun and it's not easy. It's almost like our love is incomplete.

I know that sounds stupid. Sex isn't everything. Lots of couples can't even have sex, I remind myself. But I also can't help but think that those situations are usually the result of physical limitations, not the haunting shadow of a horrific past, a past I am not sure will ever release its grip on the man I love. It hurts because Ray managed to take so much from Austin. Not just his childhood innocence but now his entire sexual experience. As familiar as we both are with sex, I'm starting to think that neither one of us will ever know what it's like to make love.

I run my hands down my body and feel a rush of blood awaken every intimate place. It makes me shudder. It's incredible how aroused I've become just thinking about us being together. That's how badly I want him. I close my eyes and imagine I'm with Austin, and I lose myself in the fantasy and let my fingers do the rest.

When I get out of the shower, Austin is staring at the TV in a daze. He doesn't even hear me as I walk in and jumps in surprise when I sit down beside him and rest my head on his shoulder. I thought about coming out of the bathroom naked but then decided it would just make this even harder for both of us. Austin seems to agree, because he glances at my tank top and shorts with a small grateful smile.

The remote on the nightstand is the key to our only distraction, so I flip through the channels. This late at night, nothing is on, of course. I leave it on the news and stare absently at the screen, my mind a million miles away.

Beside me, Austin looks so burdened, sad and worried. I can't stand not being able to help him.

"Austin," I whisper finally.

"What?" he says.

"We'll get her back. I promise."

A full minute of silence passes. Austin looks away from me, and when I put my hand on his shoulder I'm shocked to realize he is shaking with suppressed sobs. Compassion floods my whole soul, and I wrap my arms around him.

"It's okay," I whisper. "You don't have to be strong all the time, Austin."

Unexpectedly, he turns his body and actually lets me hold him, let's me stroke his back as he sobs quietly, all the pain and stress of the last few days finally flooding out of him.

"I knew! I knew what was happening to her. The first time Ray sold me, I was five. For Pixie, it started when she was just three, and I waited two fucking years to save her. I let it happen for two years," he says in a choked voice.

I say nothing, just run my fingers up and down his back.

"I let it happen because I was too fucking scared and helpless to do something about it, still too scared of Ray to step in! I was a coward, and she's the one who suffered! And I'm scared now! Still scared of him!"

"You don't have to be scared anymore," I murmur.

"I just want you to know who we're dealing with, Rory. He'll kill you without even blinking. If you wanna back out, you can. In fact, I wish you would."

"Well you can keep wishing, because I'm not going anywhere," I say stubbornly. "If you and Pixie could survive what he did to you, I sure as hell can survive seeing his face."

Austin slowly shakes his head. "I told you I was over it... I'm not. I'm the same as Pixie inside, just a screwed up kid who's scared to death! I fantasize about murdering him all the time, but when I'm face to face with him... I'm five years old again! Pathetic huh?"

I gently touch Austin's chin and lift it, forcing him to make eye contact with me. He looks so ashamed and broken. I use my thumb to wipe away one of his tears and kiss the wet place that's left behind.

"Oh baby, you're so much stronger than you realize," I whisper.

Austin shakes his head. "No. I'm pathetic."

"Bullshit. You are a fighter."

"I'm a loser." He keeps shaking his head.

"You are not a loser," I say steadily. "You're the strongest person I have ever met. I'm so proud of you."

"You shouldn't be."

"Why? Because you're not over it? I know you're not over it, Austin! No one gets over something like that, but you're still going! That's all you can do. Nobody ever gets over the shit that happens to them... They just get through it."

Austin wipes his eyes on his hoodie sleeve. It's an easy excuse to break eye contact with me, but I don't let him.

"Look at me," I snap.

He does. "Why?"

"Because I won't let you get away with hiding anymore!"

"It's just something I automatically do. The eye contact thing."

"Why?"

He looks uncomfortable but holds his gaze steady. "Because I wasn't allowed to look anyone in the eye. Ray wouldn't let me. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't even a person."

God I despise that bastard so much for what he did to Austin!

Austin is quiet for a long time. Then he mumbles, "You know how you said I get through things?"

"Yeah."

"Well sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes I just wanna give up. Like... I know I can survive... I'm damn good at it, but I just don't want to anymore. I'm so fucking tired, Rory, I'm so tired."

"I feel like that too... sometimes. Everyone does at some point."

"So how do you keep going?" he asks.

"You find someone to keep going for," I say.

"I've always thought the people you love are kinda like ropes tying you to this life. It's hard to let go or give up when you're tied to them. Pixie and you are my strongest ropes. I can't quit as long as I love you."

I tilt his chin up once more and gently kiss him. This time he lets me walk my hands up under his shirt and tug it over his head, and I let him do the same to me. Chest to chest, we hold each other and Austin smooths my damp hair over my shoulder so he can kiss my neck.

"I want to make love to you," he murmurs against my throat.

"Are you sure?" I whisper softly.

"Yes," he says. "I'm ready."