It's the day of Ray's trial. I'm sick with nerves about seeing him again, but I have to testify, more for Pixie than myself. Seth and Pixie gave their own statements to the psychologists who interviewed them. Since she's so young and Seth's testimony will be used in the trials against the other perpetrators that Ray named, they don't have to be present to testify today. I, on the other hand, have to face Ray alone. Well, not exactly alone. Rory is with me. I didn't want Pixie anywhere near the trial, so Blanca has taken her to school today.

"You look nice," Rory says as we head into the courthouse.

The lawyer told me I had to dress decent, so I'm wearing the white shirt I wore to Rory's ballet and a pair of black pants Blanca bought me for work. I can feel myself sweating, even though I'm not hot. My mouth is so dry, I'm scared I won't be able to say what I need to say.

We walk through security and have to endure an awkward pat down after the metal detector goes off because of Rory's phone. Even if I'd wanted to bring a gun and blow Ray's head off, I would have been stopped before I even saw him. The idea did cross my mind during my darker moments over the past few weeks.

"You'll be fine." Rory smiles at me before I have to leave her. "I love you."

I wrap my arms around her. "I love you too," I mumble into her hair, which smells like flowers today. I try to hold on to that scent.

The lawyer told me that the defense is working to get Ray a shorter sentence. There's no hope he'll be declared innocent, having narrowly avoided the death penalty by handing out names of his accomplices. Normally the child trafficking charge alone would buy him an instant death sentence in Oklahoma, but he weaseled out of it and fewer years off a life sentence is about all the defense can shoot for now. They're hoping to sway the judge with an emotional appeal about Ray's horrific childhood, which is ironically almost a mirror image of mine.

Knowing that Ray suffered the things I suffered doesn't make me understand, pity, or empathize with him. In fact, it makes me hate him even more, because he did all that shit to me knowing exactly what it felt like. The defense is a joke when you consider that I didn't turn into an evil sociopath as a result of all the shit he put me through, so why should he get a free pass for the same thing? I'm going to play that up a lot, like the lawyer told me to. He also told me the defense would try to manipulate me with their questions, trying to make it seem like the abuse wasn't that bad. I'm not even sure what manipulate means, but I know they're not gonna make this easy on me.

When they call me to the witness stand, I avoid looking at Ray. I'm here to tell my story, nothing else. In fact, I don't look at him until they make me identify him. His eyes are cold black.

"Describe your relationship to the defendant," the defense lawyer says to me.

She's a young, pretty, blond lady. I can tell Ray has worked on her because of the way she looks at him over her shoulder. He's excellent at making gullible women want him right before he destroys their lives. She has all the flirty, fluttery-lashed stupidity of a girl who doesn't realize she's a product yet, and I both pity and despise her.

"Um..."

I pause and take a sip of water out of the bottle they gave me.

"Ray was my mother's boyfriend. They started dating when I was a baby."

"Would you say he was a father figure to you?"

"No. In the beginning he pretty much treated me like I didn't exist."

"What changed?" she asks.

"He realized he could make money off me."

"Can you explain what you mean?"

I pause. This is it. Now I have to go back into the dark place and fling open the door for everyone to see what's inside. Even though, consciously, I know I'm a victim, I still feel every ounce of shame Ray heaped on me like I'm still that little boy. He made me feel worthless, stupid, disgusting, fucked up and... not even human. After awhile I really felt like that, like I was just one of his dogs.

"I barely remember a time when Ray didn't hurt me," I begin. "He did all kinds of things to me. I still have scars. I was basically an animal to him... I don't think he saw me as human. He said that sometimes, called me his dog, made me eat off the floor as a punishment, even made me sleep on the floor or outside some nights. That's what I was to him: his pet. Once, he even locked me up in one of the dog's cages all night. He said I needed to get used to it."

There are several gasps and murmurs around the courtroom after I say this. I turn red, feeling like I've revealed too much, but then I remember that's why I came here, to spill all my secrets.

"Isn't it true that you resented Ray for being in a relationship with your mother?" she asks.

What does she mean? I thought I had to come here and tell my story, nothing else. I certainly didn't think I'd have to justify my hatred for Ray.

"I didn't resent him for that," I say slowly. "I resented" (I pause here to make air quotations around the ridiculous word) "him because he ruined my life."

"That's quite a statement. If that is the case, why did you choose to remain close to your mother instead of being adopted? Surely you knew that Ray would be around. Why would you choose to be around someone who allegedly ruined your life?"

I feel myself turn red as the lawyer uses my own words against me. I find Rory's face in the crowd of people sitting in the courtroom. She's fuming. She looks like she wants to punch this bitch in the face.

"I chose to stay because of my baby sister. I needed to protect her from Ray," I say softly.

"Speak up," the lady says.

"I couldn't leave my sister with Ray!" I almost shout.

"Your sister. Your sister who is on record saying that Ray was nice to her and bought her presents. That sister?"

It's too much. They are using Pixie's confession against her and have therefore crossed the motherfucking line. I'm just about to open my mouth to cuss this bitch out when the prosecuting lawyer objects to the statement and the judge agrees. I calm down, knowing that the lady's words will be completely ignored now.

When we take a recess, Rory finds me and throws her arms around me.

"God, baby, I am so sorry. I had no idea it would be like this or I never would have asked you to testify!" she exclaims.

"The lawyer warned me. It's okay. Prosecution goes next. I'll tell my story then, and Ray will be put away for life," I say.

"I hope you're right," Rory says nervously.

——————

"How old were you the first time Ray sold you?" the prosecutor asks me.

I'm back on the witness stand for round two, but this time I'm more focused, knowing exactly what to expect because the lawyer already let me know what he would ask me.

"Five."

"And what kept you from telling anyone about the abuse?"

"Ray said he'd kill me and my mom. He had a gun. I had no reason to doubt him. I knew he was crazy enough to do it."

The lawyer asks me more questions. I try to keep my voice steady as I answer every one, trying to keep my mind from going to a dark place. I can't lose it here.

"Austin, just one more question. What do you hope is the outcome of this trial today?"

I clear my throat. "Um... I just want justice... for me and my sister. Death is too good for Ray. I want him to go to jail... forever. I want to be free of him."

"Thank you, Austin. No further questions."

In the end, Ray still got a life sentence with no chance of parole. The judge saw through all the bullshit, and I am finally free of him. Well, physically anyway. Mentally, that's another story.

Rory comes over to Blanca's that night so we can celebrate. Blanca orders pizzas and sodas and we pig out in front of the TV. After Pixie goes to sleep, Blanca announces she's going to bed too and gives us a wink. Finally, Rory and I are alone.

It's the first time we've been truly alone since before I got shot. I take full advantage of the situation, and we're making out the second the bedroom door is closed, our hands down each other's pants.

Rory feels weird about having sex at Blanca's house, and I sorta do too, so we... compromise, doing everything but the actual deed. Rory knows exactly what to do to drive me crazy, but I'm not sure how to repay the favor. She coaches me, which might seem weird to other guys but the fact that she knows what she wants is a big turn on for me.

After we're both spent we hold each other on the bed with our legs intertwined. The only sound is Blanca's soft snoring from down the hall. Rory smooths my hair back and smiles sleepily at me.

"What?" I ask.

"I think we should start looking for apartments," she says.

"Really?"

Everything is so crazy right now I only live day to day, and I try not to think about the future, knowing that what I hope for the most might not happen.

"Yeah. Why not?" she whispers.

"I don't even know if they'll let me adopt Pixie," I say.

"We have to go on like they will. We have to believe it will happen," she answers.

"Why?"

"Faith. It can make things happen," she says.

"So you're saying if I doubt it will work out, it won't?"

"No, but..."

"But what?"

Rory looks into my eyes. "Austin, both of us have spent our whole lives waiting for the next bad thing. I want to see what happens if we hope. Will you do that with me?"

"I'll do anything for you," I say softly.

She gently kisses me. "Then we look for a place. Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," I repeat. It's the last thing I remember before I fall asleep.