chaos
ˈkeɪɒs/Submit
<noun>
\\ complete disorder and confusion.

~ "snow caused chaos in the region"

\\ synonyms:    confusion, mayhem, bedlam, pandemonium, madness, havoc, turmoil, tumult, commotion.

\\ the property of a complex system whose behaviour is so unpredictable as to appear random, owing to great sensitivity to small changes in conditions.

\\ the formless matter supposed to have existed before the creation of the universe.

\\ also said to be what one's heart is made of.

N A N D I N I

Darkness often scares people, but it doesn't scare me. Darkness for me is becoming beautiful day by day, as I find some different comfort in the silence of darkness, the beauty of stillness and the feeling of being blank.

And that's exactly what I felt- blank, and that's exactly what I saw ahead of me- darkness, and a throbbing head as if it was metal. Rubbing my hand to the soft mattress beneath me, I placed it on my burning forehead as my eyes flew open to welcome the blurry vision in front of me.

"Nandini, you okay?" I heard a worried voice as I slowly lifted my head up and a soft cushion was placed behind it as I slowly got up, and before I realised, there were two muscular hands on my arms pulling me as my head landed on some hard chest, taking me into a warm embrace.

"Zubin?" I barely whispered getting back my senses as I heard a sob above my head making my heart beat faster as I tried pulling away from him but he just hugged me tighter.

"Where you crying?," I almost shouted in a heavy voice as my hands held his cheeks, drawing away the tear drop on his beautiful face as he smiled lightly looking at me, pushing my hair tresses behind my ear and kissing my forehead as he held me tighter.

"Do you even know how long have you been sleeping for?" He asked squinting his eyes and I left a nervous laugh. "I hadn't slipped into coma, or had I?", I tried to sound funny but it never came out that way.

Looking at my weird expressions, he left out a small giggle nodding his head negatively as he wiped another tear drop from the corner of his eyes. "Two days, you were unconscious for 45 hours straight!" He looked at me with an unknown emotion shining in his eyes as mine widened with the newly found information.

"But-....," I nodded negatively, my mouth half open in shock. What had even happened to me?

"He's a murderer!"

"He killed my sister,"

"Aryamman!" I shouted with an open mouth as my eyes widened and Zubin closed his ears at my sudden shout. "Aryamman kahan hai? I need to see him right now!" I shouted again getting up from my bed and Zubin got up behind me.

"Nandini, you're not well. You shouldn't get up now, you need rest.. doctor ne bola you're weak! Nandini, get back... mein Aryamman ko call karke bula raha hu, sit down!" He shouted behind me as I ran through his beautiful mansion, tears flowing out of my eyes as I ignored his words even after listening to them.

"I will take you to him Nandini, stop!" He shouted as he ran behind me, but even after stopping I couldn't. I felt as if everything I have lived, everything I have seen was a lie. My Manik Malhotra, the man I have loved all my life couldn't be a murderer out of all the things in the world.

He cheated my father, meine maan liya.
He treated me like trash, meine maan liya.
He threatened me due to Aryamman, meine maan liya.

But my Manik cannot be a murderer. He cannot be a murderer. He just lived in darkness because no one offered to love him. He's broken because he is unloved. He's broken because he is alone, he's treating me this way because he's been so used to being alone, that he cannot stand anyone coming close to him; he's doing all this out of his habit to stay in darkness- utter darkness. He's not wrong, he's just different. He's not bad, he's just broken.

We all have to make choices, and he did not choose to be a murderer. And I trust him this much without having to trust him. I don't trust his mind, I trust his soul and no matter how much darkness he has been through, this darkness will not allow him to kill people. I might not trust him, but I trust my love for him. I trust what I have seen in his eyes- the vulnerable person craving for love in the mask of a monster waiting for a star to illuminate his dark life, waiting for someone to love him and let him wipe off the darkness of his life with the love he has to be offered.

"He is a murderer, he killed my sister"

"My Manik is not a criminal, he is not a murderer!" I shouted closing my ears as I scrunched down to the ground, hugging my knees close to me, as I let the tears flow off my eyes and get drained in the rain falling over my petite body lying in the middle of a dark night on the footpath outside Aryamman's glorious mansion that stood ahead, tall and dark yet illuminated as if trying to intimidate me.

Wiping my tears off in a messy way, I got up as I ran inside his mansion, continuously ringing the bells of his wooden mansion door until it was opened by an old man, looking at me with confused eyes at my stature.

Picking up my messy and lose gown that touched the floor and flipping my hair behind my back, I ran inside and upstairs. "Aryamman!" I shouted like an angry lioness as my voice echoed in the entire silent mansion, making its way back to me. "Where are you hiding?" I shouted, but it wasn't me- it was the anger in me speaking.

"Nandini?" He seemed confused as he ran downstairs to me in his black jogger's and black jacket, his hair set up and ready, sparks in his eyes burning like small demons playing with fire, fatal yet beautiful, like the first ray of the suns rays, like the first lightening that strikes on land, like sparks of a beautiful fire, sparkling from behind but destroying when you touch them.

"Zubin just called me, I was coming to find you. And you? You're here! Look at you Nandini, tum theek toh ho?" He literally shouted holding my arms as his eyes met mine and I could see concern written all over, but I still preferred to be blinded by my anger as I held the collar of shirt beneath the jacket.

"Aryamman, tumne jhoot bola tha na? Manik is not a murder, tell me Aryamman. Tell me that you're lying please...," I tried being angry but by the end my voice faded and the vulnerability hiding in my heart showed as I broke down into tears.

His face was sad as he pursed his lips and then looked at me, his eyes speaking volumes like always but as usual, he didn't speak anything. Rather, he put his hand on my cheek and then pulled me with a force allowing me to bang against his chest as he wrapped his hands around my back, hiding me in his embrace.

But maybe I was so vulnerable at this point that all I needed was someone to tell me that the love me, that they're going to be there for me, that they care for me and that in this world of fakeness, they'd still believe in love.

"I never told you anything Nandini, I don't know what you have been hearing!" He whispered and I suddenly stopped crying as I pushed him away in shock.

"Zubin told me that you've been telling this all through when you were regaining your consciousness, but I have no idea why! Trust me Nandini, I didn't say anything like that, infact when you fainted, I was talking to you-.. asking if you were fine but you seemed so blank before you fell!" He tried taking a step close to me but I moved behind, nodding negatively.

"You're lying Aryamman!" I shouted. Was I hallucinating everything I heard? Wasn't it real?

"No Nandini! This is the truth! And if you want, you can ask the doctor also, I told the exact same thing to him before too, when you were asleep, not ready to wake up. You have no idea how bad had it been back then, Zubin was brought back constantly to when he lost Mukti, when he kept calling her in the huge mansion but all he got was silence. Looking at you sleeping lifelessly, he just wanted to meet Mukti once. Y'all never got to see her one last time, did y'all?" He shouted shaking me by my arms as I constantly cried thinking about Zubin and Mukti and I failed to see the small tear drop that slipped off his left eye and he wiped it before I could catch him.

And once again when I looked up, I saw something unknown shine in his eyes, the same thing that I saw in the party two days back.

"Stop fighting for Manik, Nandini. That fight is his, and all he can do is destroy you. Stay away from him and concentrate on the good things of life. Look around you and you'd only see love, but I have no idea why are you closing yourself to all the love that you have around you.!" He weakly smiled and it was as if I almost realised how distracted I had been till now, as if it opened my eyes once again, as if he just gave me a new life.

"I know it is his fight to fight Aryamman, but I can't stop myself from losing into his small pieces, into his mystery. He's not a saint, and I'm aware of it. And I also know that he's no good to me, if he and I have any relation- it's just made of destruction. But I also know, he's damaged from within. He has been through storms and now those reside within him. No one can be born a devil Aryamman, there must be a point where he was afraid of the devil too, there must be a time when he feared darkness just as we do!" I whispered, and his eyes just looked into mine, the dry laugh gracing his beautiful face.

"What you know is that he is damaged, but what you don't is- damages people are dangerous, they know how to bend heaven to look like hell, and how to make hell look like home. There wasn't a point where he feared the devil, because he is himself the devil people fear. And in case he visits hell some day, which I believe he has to, he wouldn't need a map to know his way; because just like you, I can read this in his eyes- he's not known what heaven is, because he's been used to raise hell," he whispered and his words had the power to make my thoughts bend away.

But one thing was sure by the way he spoke about Manik Sir, he wasn't unaware of Manik's intentions and what I had heard before slipping away was no illusion.

"Aryamman, promise me something?" I asked as I tried smiling and he crossed his hands against his chest, raising his eyebrows. "You will never hide anything from me related to Manik if you know!" I asked as I slowly saw the smile on his face disappear.

"Come on Aryamman, you were the one who told me that you still believe in promises and fireflies! So Promise me this, and I'd trust you with blind words!" I held his hand in both my hands, as if begging for that promise.

"Promise!" He smiled from the corner of his lips and I left his hands as my smile reached my eyes. "So I'd leave?" I smiled moving backwards and he smiled, as I smiled back, turning away and leaving slowly.

"I have no idea if it is good or bad, your loyalty to his disgrace, Nandini Murthy!" He sighed watching my disappearing figure.

✿

Do you hear anything?

I bet you don't.

Because that's how it was- silence. And it's deafening, isn't it? Without even a word spoken, you feel deaf. But sometimes- that's what we all crave for-... silence. Silence from the world, silence from people's thoughts and opinions about you, and that was exactly what I was enjoying at mid night by the ocean waves crashing against the shore, under the stars.

And this silence left me wondering- was this the silence my life needed, or was it just the silence before the storm?

"...princess?", the voice startled me right from my existence as a shiver passed through my spine, and I jumped in my place to look at the six feet tall man standing beside me, head covered in a black hoodie and hands in his pocket. Though his eyes stared at the ocean's waves hitting the shore in front of us, his lips were twisted by the corner of his lips just like his mind, twisted into games.

I wish I had never asked this question to myself, because I already got the answer- it was the silence before the storm.

Settling beside me on the sand leaving me stunned without words, he didn't even look upon my face once. His eyes were focused right on the stars above the water, making his eyes shine in the light of millions of stars that shined upon us. "What do you think about them?," he whispered slowly and he didn't need to specify that he was talking about the stars because I already knew.

"They're a beautiful chaos," I smiled slowly looking at the stars too as I hugged my knees tighter to my chest and he lifted his lips again for a dry laugh as I remained in the corner of his eyes, "chaos? do you even know what chaos is?"

His finally did turn towards me, but just when I had no answer to give him, no answer at all as I stared at him with blank eyes and he smirked looking away, into the ocean again but I wouldn't ever blame him for not looking at me because the oceans and stars that lied in front of us were too beautiful to have the divided attention.

"Chaos... is what happens when... an angel falls in love with a devil," he whispered with unnecessary pauses as each word made me skip heart beats and now that he finally looked back at me, his eyes got locked into mine and just as we were speaking tonight, I knew this was directed to me.

Chaos- that's exactly what we were. We had no defined relation and if you ask me what we were, I think there's no better word than chaos to define us because we were nothing, but chaos in right in the middle of chaos, there shines hope. And that hope isn't hope to love and to be loved, it is hope that we'd survive, and only when we'd survive will we be able to live and love.

"But chaos burns like wildfires around us, and sometimes, we have no other choice than willing to fall in love with the warmth it offers," I couldn't stop my smile from breaking out on my lips as he gave an impresses look, as the smirk on his lips turned into a genuine smile. Neither did I take my eyes off his, nor did he try to.

"this kind of love that you hold in your eyes for everyone and everything that you look upon is chaos, it's unacceptable in my world, or any other world around you. It's as chaotic as offering a box of crayons in a black and white world," his smile settled on his lips and something played in his eyes as I bit my lower lip.

Suddenly, each line we had to talk was about chaos and that became an unspoken rule that night, that moment, under the magic of thousands of stars with his eyes locked into mine.

"But that's the thing with most of us in today's world, we refuse the chaos our heart is, and we choose hate over heart. Sometimes, we need to embrace the beautiful chaos with a musical beat called heart, and then no one can stop you from loving the world, no matter how many storms your soul has been through..," I smiled biting my lower lips. Never did I imagine I will be talking to Manik under the light of millions of stars about love and chaos with this foolish smile playing on our lips, some unknown kind of emotion connecting us.

"But not all chaos is lovable, some chaos is destructive. And if you offer love to that ugly chaos, it defines your end, it defines your destruction...," the smile of his lips didn't vanish but ironically, this sentence brought me peace and shivers are both at the same time as I continued staring at his beautiful face.

"But the middle name of chaos just happens to be hope. Everyone is chaotic and everyone has darkness, but where there's chaos, there's hope, because the broken spaces is where the light gets in from," I whispered back and his smile increased as he finally closed his eyes nodding his head and breaking the eye lock and I grinned proudly.

This was like a 'chaos' argument that I seemed to have proudly won and it felt so nice, to be superior to Manik, even if that was a small and unspoken game.

He looked at me and I at him before that stupid smiles playing on our lips turned into giggles and proper laughs and it felt magical, the way my laughter died into his, matching it like the perfect notes of a beautiful song.

"Princess, it's 4 AM already and I'm pretty sure there's no chariot waiting to drop you home. It's quite unsafe to stay outside any longer, let me drop you home!" He whispered pursing his lips and I couldn't stop smiling. Even at dawn, he didn't forget to call me princess, just as he didn't forget to look the sinfully hot him in his messy hair.

"But I don't think I need to fear anything or anyone sir, since the devil sits besides my side," I grinned and he honestly did seem blown away by my talent to witness to answer every line he spoke tonight, which was actually very unlike me.

It seemed like we were drunk on the light of millions of stars above our head, toxicated by the salt in the cold air, captured by the never ending smiles on our lips and lost in each other's eyes and all of this together created a magic, a new version of us- the kind of magic that I can cherish for a life time with no returns, the kind of magic that will only be found in my memories after today- humesha.

"Well, then this devil has to return back to his castle, to his rest place because that's where he belongs to be, it's time for the devil to sleep peacefully as the sun rises," his smile turned back to the normal smirk and I sighed, I could stare at his smile for an eternity.

"I'd be obliged then if his devil can drop me back home safely," I smiled politely as we both got up and he walked in the opposite direction, leading me

"The devil spares you tonight on your mercy princess, it wouldn't destroy you, it would guard you," He laughed dryly and just as the night ended, so did his kind phase but I silently wished that the devil in him could rest forever, and the guardian comes up, because that makes him the man who's loveable, the man who's heard isn't just gold, it's platinum.

Getting into his car's passenger seat, I couldn't stop grinning like an idiot all this while, looking outside. Tonight, I saw a new version of him, the kind of him that maybe I knew how to tackle, how to deal, and how to love.

I don't know if he was pretending again or was it really him, but what I know is if this is him, then he is chaos, he is silence, he is darkness, he is powerful, he is beautiful and even after being all of this at the same time, he's my peace.

The more I'm trying to push him away, the more he comes closer, just like a magnet.

Stopping the car in front of the glorious mansion, he nudged me, pulling me out of my thoughts. Stepping out of the car, I knocked on his window while he rolled it down, and I bit my lower lip. "Sir, darkness is chaos too, but the beauty that lies behind that darkness, it's unequivocal by any chaos or any words,".

I didn't need to specify because he knew what I was exactly talking about- him.

"Don't try to push my dark walls princess, you might not like what's behind that, because that's where the demons play and strive," His dark eyes met mine, and proudly enough, they didn't intimidate me anymore.

"Then I'd like you to look into me sir, because there's a hell thats well hidden inside me too, it's where your demons can freely live," I confidently stared back, my smile meeting his just like our eyes and I walked backwards a few steps before finally turning back as I heard the engine and he roared away, leaving me grinning like an idiot.

No matter how much he denies, he was chaos too. And just when I was about to give up on him, his soul touched mine and without speaking anything, his chaos whispered to me, "stay".

"Who is he? A demon or an angel?"

You cannot be darkness without the existence of light.
No person is black. No person is white.
Everyone's grey.

~•~