I've forgotten what it feels like to fall asleep alone and wake up alone. There have been a few times over the last few years that it's happened, but I always knew Sebastian was coming home.

This time he's not.

My stomach is in knots from yesterday and last night, both events twisting and turning inside of me like a raging sea. When I flip the covers off, I sit up and grab my phone.

One message from Aspen. One from Sebastian, and two from Flora, my best friend in California.

Aspen
- Hope everything is okay!

Sebastian
- I made it back. On the way to the apartment

Flora
- Sebastian just walked into your apartment as I was feeding Tofu

- WHAT IS HAPPENING?

I open up Aspen's messages and want to reply with it's not, but I don't. Instead, I leave it unanswered for now. My fingers feel heavy as I hover them over the keyboard of Sebastian's messages. Do I answer? Do I ignore it? My heart rate speeds up and I'm stuck.

Glad you made it home. I miss you here already.

Then I backtrack and delete everything, leaving me at square one again.

I'm glad you made it home. Call me later?
I send the message off and close my eyes.

Then, I tackle Flora's message. She's like a fiery ray of sunshine compacted into a five foot two stature. She promised she'd feed Sebastian's cat Tofu while we were gone.

I'll have to call you later and fill you in, I tell her, the complexity of all of this far too big to send through text messages.

When all of my messages are sent, I collapse back onto the bed. The whole process felt like I just completed a run, which reminds me, I probably should.

After much delay, I'm in my workout clothes outside of the hotel. It's cloudy today, some fog still lingering from overnight. The air is cool and salty, a reminder that it hasn't fully switched over to summer yet.

I decide to run the same route as the other day, but this time Axel isn't there when I pass the pier. The exercise makes me feel much better, even if only temporarily.

As I'm rounding the last block before the hotel, Sebastian calls me. My watch and phone vibrate at the same time, and at first I decide I'll ignore it. But it's so persistent that I end up answering anyway.

"Hey," I breathe heavily into my watch, my feet pounding against the cement as they slow down to a jog.

"What are you doing?" Sebastian asks on the other end, not accusatory but generally curious.

"Running," I answer, equally as out of breath as the first time.

"Sorry. You said call later but I had to call now," he says apologetically. "I just woke up and it's weird without you."

I sigh and begin walking to cool down. All of the mixed emotions I feel come back full throttle now that the adrenaline is gone. 

"I know. I thought the same thing. How's Tofu?"

Sebastian laughs before answering. "I didn't know separating meant we only discuss the kids now."

His comment stops me in my tracks.

"Is that what we're doing?" I ask starkly, wiping the sweat from my face with my shirt before sitting down on the curb.

"Yeah. That's what we wanted, right?" Sebastian says with a faux sense of contentment.

"No. I don't know. I just asked about the cat, I didn't mean for it—"

Sebastian cuts me off and does what he does best, or rather figured out through the years, which is calm the fire.

"I'm sorry, really, I didn't mean to cause conflict with that. It was supposed to be a joke," he says with sincerity. "We don't have to draw conclusions yet."

I nod even though he can't see me, his words instilling some confidence back into my mind.

"Okay. I just think it's something we need to discuss again, like, in person." My fingers brush some dirt and sand off of the tops of my shoes, waiting for Seb to say something.

"Absolutely," he finally says. "Tofu is good by the way. He misses you though. We both do."

My heart aches at the last part of his sentence.

"Yeah. I do too."

The line is silent again, and while that's usually something comfortable, it has tension to it this time, even though we're on opposite coasts. I'm wondering if I should say something or let Seb speak next.

"What if I come back in a week or two? Would you want to talk then? Or is that too soon?"

There is the tension—shuffled around and molded like clay into words. What if I come back... would you want to talk?

"Sure," I absentmindedly reply just to appease him. I was hoping we could push this off forever and eventually it would be such a long amount of time that neither of us would care.

But look how that worked out for Axel and me.

"Alright, mi amor," Seb says with some reluctance. "Please don't be a stranger."

"I won't," I say with yet another quiet sigh at his choice of words. Then, we both hang up.

My head rests in the palm of my hands as I fight back more tears. Part of me wishes I could jump into the ocean and swim to a deserted island—or any island, really. It would have everything I ever needed to survive, and when I felt good enough to swim back to land, I would.

When I stand up and start walking back to the hotel, I call Flora. I figure she's going to need to be filled in at some point, and why not tell her everything right now while it's fresh.

"Hello?" She answers, her voice sweetly floating across the telephone line. It's so refreshing to hear her.

Flora is a morning person so she's undoubtedly already finished with half of the things she has planned for today. She's probably working from home, walking on one of those treadmill pads that fits under her standing desk.

"Hey Flor," I speak into the phone and decide to camp out on the curb again, taking a seat.

"I just logged into work. What's up?" She asks without a hint of worry.

"There's a lot on my mind right now," I confess, digging my palm into my forehead.

"Maybe because your fiancé is here and you're still there?" She asks confidently already aware of what's in store with this phone call.

"That's one part of the problem," I sigh.

"So what happened?" She asks, the faint sound of a keyboard clicking in the background.

"We kind of like, separated? But I don't like that word because it's weird and makes us sound old. We didn't break up, either. I'm not sure what happened but things are up in the air," I say, dragging my palm down to my temple.

"Oh, Orion, I'm so sorry," she says empathetically, her tone shifting. "I knew something was wrong when I saw Seb. He didn't look great but I thought it was just the flight, and then he said he's alone and that definitely wasn't right."

I sigh into the line, imagining Sebastian walking into the apartment alone, heavy with all of the emotions he had to sit with on the plane back.

"There is something else," I add.

Flora is one of the only people I've told about my life in New Jersey—all of it, unfiltered. Even with Sebastian, I've cut out the part where I was in love with this boy named Axel. I left out the part about the way he would make me feel, like I was spinning on the top of the world.

And then it was all ripped away.

"What? Your ex?" She whispers like somebody is going to overhear her, even though I know she's home alone.

"Yes," I hesitantly confirm. "Kind of. We never were officially together."

"Same thing," she huffs. "I consider it together."

"We ran into each other. Or, rather, I literally ran into him. He's going to be a doctor," I tell her, a hint of pride seeping into my voice at his accomplishments.

"That's insane! So, like, what now?" She asks, the keyboard still going strong in the background. Her ability to multi-task is amazing.

"Well... I don't know. Obviously I'm really upset about Sebastian, but on the other side of that wall is... something. I can't put my finger on it. But is it the right thing to do? Lose everything to try this and it might not even amount to anything?"

Flora makes a hmm sound, taking a second to let everything register.

"I think you're doing the right thing staying there a little longer. That's what your gut told you to do, right?"

I nod, considering her question, and she's not wrong. If it didn't feel right I would have left with Sebastian. We would have been back home together, cooking dinner together and watching movies late.

"It is," I confirm, the beginnings of a grin pulling at the corners of my mouth.

"Then you are right where you should be," she says, calmer and steadier than before. I believe her.

"I guess I am," I reply, looking out into the crowded street from my spot in the alley.

I guess I am.