DIALOGUE: THE MUSIC OF SPEECH (III)

Lost in Space Syndrome

            Though we want dialogue tags to be invisible, that doesn't mean they shouldn't exist. I once edited a 200,000-word first novel by a writer who used not a single dialogue tag. Somewhere, somehow, he had gotten the notion that he should avoid them like the plague. Maybe this young writer considered it a tour de force to write a whole novel without a single attribution, but the humble dialogue tag has its place.

            For example, dialogue makes a great opening hook, but only if you identify the speaker. I've seen many a new writer open a story or chapter with some dramatic line of speech, but without a clue who is speaking. I call this the Lost in Space Syndrome. The reader has no idea whether the dialogue is wafting down from God, floating over from a nearby TV or radio, or even some form of skywriting. As writers, we can easily imagine the scene, the characters, and the situation, but the reader can't read our minds.

            If it's the main character speaking in your opener, let us know immediately in order to establish point of view. If it's not the main character, it's even more crucial to identify who's who. As the writer, you know perfectly well who is speaking. To the reader, an unidentified speaker is simply a disembodied voice. Here's an example:

 "Where are we?"

            The sun was going down. The forest, so fresh and cool an hour before, was growing colder by the second. The chatter and warble of birds died away, and for a moment, nothing moved, nothing stirred.

            We get the setting and we sense the mood, but what's that ghostly question flapping in the breeze in line 1? If it's the main character speaking, signal the reader immediately. The sooner we get inside his or her thoughts and feelings, the better. If it's somebody talking to the main character, all the more must you signal that fact in order to establish point of view.

Here's a revision that leaves no doubt that the speaker is also the main character. Through interior dialogue, dialogue tags, and beats, you can tell immediately that Carol is the protagonist and who else is present:

"Where are we?" Carol said, but John just kept on walking. With the sun going down, the forest was growing colder by the minute.

 "John," she said, a little louder this time, "are we lost?" Again he didn't answer, and that scared her even more. The chatter and warble of birds died away, and for a moment, nothing moved, nothing stirred.

Now let's take the same dialogue, but this time the first speaker is not the main character. Using the identical techniques of adding tags, interior dialogue, and beats, this time you can let the reader know that John is the main character and Carole is secondary, even though she speaks first:

"Where are we?" Carol said.

            John heard her, but just kept walking on ahead. The sun was going down, and the forest was growing colder by the second.

            "John, are we lost?" Her voice was louder this time.

            Again, he didn't answer. Being lost was bad enough. He didn't want a panicked woman on his hands, too.

            The chatter and warble of birds died away, and for a moment, nothing moved, nothing stirred.

            Now, try doing a couple of these yourself. I used a man and woman wandering in the woods, but it can be anything from two strangers in an elevator to long-lost lovers reunited by chance. Use a line of dialogue as a hook, but practice making sure the reader knows not only who is speaking the line but also whether he is the main character. Try writing first from the POV of the main character and then from the POV of a secondary character. Keep the exercise to only a few lines because these three, four, or five lines are where you'll have to do all the work in a real story or chapter. Remember, you want to hook the reader, not leave her "lost in space".

Beats as Dialogue Tags

            Once into the scene, you don't necessarily need a dialogue tag each time someone speaks—especially in longer exchanges. One dialogue tag after another tends to become leaden and will interrupt the back and forth rhythm. For example:

             "What do you mean?" Paul said.

            "You heard me," Harriet said.

            "Am I supposed to read your mind?" Paul asked.

            "I didn't say that," Harriet said.

            "Are you going to tell me what's going on or not?" Paul said.

This is another situation where beats—small actions in the midst of dialogue—come in handy. Here's a revision substituting beats for some tags:

 "What do you mean?" Paul said.

            Harriet looked away. "You heard me."

            "Am I supposed to read your mind?" he asked.

            "I didn't say that."

He grabbed her by the arm. "Are you going to tell me what's going on or not?"

Now let's talk about longer stretches of dialogue. It's true that dialogue should speak for itself, but if you've got two or more people speaking for 5, 6, 8 lines or more, the characters become indistinguishable. No matter how snappy the dialogue, the reader shouldn't have to go back and figure out, line by line, who's saying what. Any time the reader is confused, the spell is broken.

            As an editor, instructor, and even just a plain old reader, I've seen this flaw in both published and unpublished writing.  Some writers may omit tags because they think the rapid-fire dialogue seems more real without interruptions. That might be true on stage, TV, or in a movie where we see the faces and bodies of the characters as well as hear their words. The printed page, however, is neither a stage nor a camera. The writer can picture every detail and nuance of the scene, but the reader can only do that if you first provide some information.

            Even with witty banter or all-out argument, be sure to add some dialogue tags and/or beats here and there to keep the scene and the characters alive in the mind's eye of the reader. Otherwise, we become Lost in Space.

            Here's an example from an unpublished story manuscript. A group of guests are gathered in a house in an isolated setting. As in the famous Agatha Christie story, there's been a murder. Ernie is the main character. Nell has just discovered the body in the library. Ernie, Nolan, and Maggie are in the drawing room when Nell rushes in. After the first line, can you tell who's speaking? Also, how can the characters magically transport themselves from one room to the next? The dialogue just runs right over it:

            "Oh my god!" Nell burst into the room.

            "Nell, what's—"

            "Come quick!"

            "I was just talking to him five minutes ago."

            "And now he's—"

            "Maggie, don't. Nolan, get Maggie out of here."

            "I'm OK. It's just—"

            This excerpt has been disguised to protect the guilty, but it's a real example. To rescue this scene, we can use beats, point of view, and interior dialogue to keep up the drama without hopelessly confusing (and thus losing) the reader:

            "Oh my god," Nell said, bursting into the room.

            I jumped up. "Nell, what's—"

            "Come quick!" Eyes wild, she ran out again.

            We rushed after her down the hall and into the library. Slumped in a chair before the fire was Larry. His shirt was bloody. I wanted to look away, but didn't.

            "I was just talking to him," Nolan said. "Five minutes ago."

            "And now he's—" Maggie walked over and picked up a book from the floor. It must have fallen from Larry's hand.

            "Maggie, don't," I said. "Nolan, get Maggie out of here."

            "I'm OK, Ernie. It's just—"

            My revision isn't deathless prose, but it does show how beats and interior dialogue help identify multiple speakers without the need for a lot of dialogue tags or using a character's name each time one character speaks to another. It also demonstrates how to use beats and the main character's emotions and reactions to build tension. Sprinkled here and there, beats pace things out just enough to create some drama and suspense.

            One final word. It's true that you will find long, untagged stretches of dialogue between two or more characters in even best-selling hard-boiled detective fiction or witty chick-lit, but that doesn't make it a worthy practice.