W I L D E

Some people had to look for God. Others, found it. I was born into a family that was religious. As a younger child, I thought it was normal to sit down with your family for meals, bow your head in prayer and go to church every Sunday. I liked it. I liked praying. There was always this peace I felt knowing that there was someone out there listening to me. 

I followed the ten commandments faithfully, I wrote down notes from the pastor in my book and everything. 

Then Daisy came along. 

She seemed to challenge everything I knew and followed. Her smile, her eyes, her perfect lips, her perfect everything. It was like the devil himself came to challenge me by putting her in my life. If I was David, Daisy would be Bathsheba. She was so beautiful, so smart, so amazing that everything I did, saw and all my thoughts were about her. 

"Wilde, what are you doing?" Joey asked clearly aggravated. 

Kaden turned to glance at me. We were supposed to be working on our defence which wasn't going very well. "He's right, you're off your game," Kaden said, "Need a break?"

"I'm just tired." It wasn't new for someone on the loosing side to get frustrated, but when the captain himself asked, it definitely turned heads. Troy and Edward glanced at me worried. I smiled back at them. It felt as though I was trying to move rocks with that smile, it was all I could do to smile, much less push my shoulders back. 

I moved towards the stands where a long wooden bench rested. On that bench, bags were kept haphazard. It wasn't hard locating my bag, a bright green in a sea of black, blue and dark red. Near the green bag, a bottle of water sat with my name written on it. 

My departure must have called an unofficial break. Today was one of those days our coach wasn't around leaving Kaden to take charge. It was far less hectic and more relaxed which was possibly why, I wasn't doing squats or push ups at the moment. 

I knew I was down, the mere effort it took to breath was exhausting. It was all I could do, to even come for practice. I knew it would be hard. But knowledge of the difficulty didn't mean that I knew it would make the simple act of breathing exhausting. It didn't make the need to go back to see her, run back, beg her to forgive me, less physically painful.

I knew I was down. Just, not down enough for Kaden to saunter over, eyes flickering with concern as he took me in standing drinking water. "Hey," He said, plastic water bottle in hand. Everything alright?"

"I've had better days." I tipped my head back, enjoying the feel of cool water down my throat. The weather wasn't all that warm, being near winter but relief flooded at the cool aphrodisiac. I closed my eyes trying to push aside a familiar face from my mind.  

Kaden waited for me patiently as I put the bottle back on the bench, still standing. Kaden was slightly shorter than me, but more often than not, it felt like he was taller. He had such a powerful aura around him, it's always apparent who was in charge. 

Other previous football captains weren't as fond of Kaden because he was a threat to their position. On games we went away, captains of the opposing team made a beeline to Kaden because he looked like one of the people who would be in charge. It never really sat well with our past captains but I preferred Kaden as a captain over them. 

"I know. Whenever I feel like that, I just focus on the field, the ball, the feeling. Nothing comes close and it's enough for me to well, shove the world aside." Kaden turned to look at the field. A tiny smile on his lips.

"Is that why you're better today? That last goal against Joey was insane." I smirked, "Grace, huh?"

Kaden's lips twitched into a smile, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"You'd be surprised."

"I'll tell you after our game."

He jogged to the field, I followed and soon without him calling, we're all waiting expectantly. "Let's play a game," He said looking at all 14 of us. He pointed to the subs, "Jason, team one, Jeremiah, team two, Zayeer, team one." Then he divided the defence, midfielders and attacks into team one and two. 

I was thankfully on team two.

I took Kaden's advice, I gave my everything to that game and in the end it was just the ball and I. That and stopping the twat Zayeer from scoring or even going near the goal post.

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My head was nodding at the appropriate pauses. Eyes looking at the empty locker room save the gurgling sound of water in the shower. My fingers were curled around and empty plastic bottle. 

Daisy. I'd be texting her right now. She would be asking me about the game and I'd tell her. If I was down, she'd ask if I was free later and we'd go over to my room and- 

"...and then I had sex with Mrs Hamlinton."

"Wait- what?"

"It was really wicked, you know, you can't tell with how old she looks but she really know her stuff-"

"Good God, Troy, I don't think I need to know-"

"She gave me a blowjob,"  Troy said eyes wide with wonder. I cringed, the image of Mrs Hamlinton in my mind on Troy's-

I didn't want to go further. Mrs Hamlinton wasn't the sort you wanted to even fantasise over. I'm sure she was far more attractive when she was younger, but now, she was just... well old.  I shuddered, protesting wildly to the image. "She's married!"

"That didn't stop her."

"Please tell me you're joking."

Troy looked offended, "I can't believe you thought I would do it with her," he shook his head. I would have whacked him, but the relief was enough for me to relax. "I have class, Wilde."

I shrugged, "Then why did you say that?"

"Because you weren't listening." The dark skinned boy said. Troy could be like that, he was the mischievous one of our lot. People often looked to Edward as the responsible one, Troy the naughty and me, the odd ball. "But seriously, when you do shag a girl, make sure you get her to give you a blow job, there's nothing like it."

"Right," I said my lips thin. 

"Is blowjobs against Christianity?" Troy asked, "Must you only put it in one hole?"

"It isn't."

"I leave you two for a bit and you've already started on blowjob's, haven't you Troy?" The last member of our trio said. He was wearing his pants, his shirt still missing, brownish blonde hair damp, a white towel on his broad shouders as he glanced at the two of us.

"Have to educate this munchkin," Troy said happily. 

I wondered if Daisy ever gave him a blow.

I closed my eyes. Again. 

"Are you okay?" Edward asked.

"Fine," I lied. 

Daisy. 

Edward gave me a look then put on his shirt and we left. 

I wanted to talk to her, I kept glancing at my phone, hoping she'd message me or call me but I knew it didn't bother her at all. I'd seen her eyes, she was impassive, like she knew this would happen. She didn't look upset or angry or anything.

I'd only dated one person in my life. Cecile. When we had ended things, I'd seen her go desperate, then angry and upset. Daisy? She didn't even bat an eyelid. She didn't protest when I said I didn't even want to be friends.

Part of me had hoped that she'd say she loved me, or ask me to at least be her friend.

No luck.

I wondered if that's all I meant to her, a free game, someone to test it all on. Someone who wouldn't brag about it much less talk about it to anyone. Someone whom she could experiment with. It may have started like that but it changed along the way. 

I wanted it to have changed for her.

But it didn't.

I knew I did the right thing but it was hard to feel like I did.