Jonathan was a lot of work. His inability to hold anything down gave me an emotional cramp. It was time I tried a "stronger" method of birth control. Condom broke, the pill didn't work, then I missed a pill and the depo shot was, entirely, a myth. I was considering an IUD. I didn't like the idea of having a foreign object sit inside my body for a large amount of time, but I felt I should try.

I went to my doctor and asked him about other possible birth control. The depo shot had caused me to gain 20 pounds per shot and screw a few things up in my body. My metabolism being one of them. My doctor explained that I couldn't take the depo shot again because of the side effects and because of said side effects, I couldn't take the birth control pill again. He said that the changes the shot made would cause the pill to make me gain weight and may not be as effective. We did talk about the IUD and surgery. I decided to use spermacidal condoms while I thought of the two options left.

A few months had gone by and I was terrified of having surgery and had worries about the IUD. I had heard scary things about it. I wanted to talk with Dr. Redding again about the things I'd heard and read online.

I had bought myself some coolers. I wanted to have a couple one weekend. Frank was gone, as usual, and I was enjoying the quiet. The kids were behaving and had gone to sleep nice and easy. I opened a cooler and sat down in the livingroom to watch a movie. I felt good.

When I finished my first cooler, I went to the kitchen and opened another one. The movie had ended and it was only 9:00 at night. I picked out another movie and got comfortable on the couch again. It was a peaceful night.

The movie ended by 11 and I had gone to open another cooler. This time I wanted to lay in bed and watch a show. Friday night and,still, no sound from any of the kids.

Jonathan was, now, two years old. He shared a room with his brother, Kevin, who was five. Eve shared a room with Haley. They were three and nine. I said I would have four children. I had hoped that I would have more of a choice as to when I'd have them. But I had my four and I was happy. Two boys and two girls.

This night, I was enjoying the quiet time. Halfway through my third cooler I started to feel a little wavey. It doesn't take much to get me drunk so I assumed that's what it was. I took another sip of my cooler and wanted to throw up. I was confused by it. I got out of bed and dumped the rest of my cooler down the sink. I put the empty bottle at the back of the counter, where the kids couldn't reach it, and ran to the bathroom. I threw up.

Afterward, I washed my face and leaned into the door frame. The last time I got sick like this from drinking, I was pregnant. I wasn't impressed. I hoped I was getting the stomach flu instead. I crawled back into bed and finished my show.

A few days later I had bought a home pregnancy test. It was positive. Frank happened to be home and he came to the bathroom to see. I showed him the test results and I punched him in the shoulder.

"Ow. What was that for?" He whined.

"Like I want to be stuck with you any longer than I need to be." I snapped. "I've been telling you to leave and you won't. I'm sick of your bullshit! You and your drunken binges and the way you treat me when you come home. You think I want to bring another baby into this?"

Frank stared at me. He didn't know what to say.

"I'm considering an abortion. I'll tell you that, right now." I pushed past him and stormed off to my room. I sat on my bed and cried.

Haley and Kevin were at school and Eve and Jonathan were in the livingroom playing and watching cartoons. I stayed in my room for about 20 minutes. I cried for 10 minutes and took 10 minutes to settle. I walked out of my room and learned that Frank had left. He didn't say anything. Just left.

I sighed. I checked on the kids, they were fine. I went into the kitchen and started to make the kids their lunch. I grabbed the phone and made an appointment with Dr. Redding.

A few days later I made it into Chilliwack.

"I took a home pregnancy test and it came out positive." I told Dr. Redding.

"Okay." He spun on his chair and logged into his computer. "When was your last period?"

"I don't know. It's irregular so it's hard to keep track sometimes. I think a month ago."

"And that happens too, right? You go a month or two without having a period."

"Yes, that happens. Sometimes two or three times a month, too." I answered.

"Well," Dr. Redding dragged the word. "You know you have options, right? Because your periods are irregular, sometimes it's hard to say when the date of conception was. I'll send a referral off to have an ultrasound done to confirm how far along you are." Dr. Redding turned to look at me. "If you're planning on keeping this baby then we can move forward with that. If you're looking at adoption, I can get you information on that. But if it's an abortion you're thinking of, then the window closes, rather, quickly. You have until you're 18 weeks. After that, it's illegal. It can't be done."

I nodded. I didn't believe in abortions. But, Frank had been cheating on me, made me sick with an STI, put me down, compared me to his mistresses, he's forced sex with me and shoved me around, he's hit me a few times this year. Not quite as bad as the years before. I hadn't cheated on him since the other year. I felt like crap for it.

I knew I had some time. I generally didn't get an idea of pregnancy until week 3 and the test doesn't come out positive until week 4, for me, anyway. I decided to think on it.

The next day I woke up with cramps. I didn't pay any mind to it because minor cramps in the beginning was normal for me. I went through my day, as usual.

The next day the cramps were still there. That wasn't normal for me. I questioned it in my head. I wondered if I was miscarrying. I figured it would've saved me the trouble of an abortion, but I didn't want anything else to make me sick. I decided to make an appointment with Dr. Redding again.

I had an appointment be made for Friday. I only had a couple of days to wait. I didn't think I would be suffering for those two days. The cramping became worse. The pain made me throw up. My back was losing strength. But, I still had 4 children to look after. Frank hadn't come home since my comment about having an abortion. So I was left to clean the house, clean after the kids, cook, make lunches, do laundry, etc. Not that it bothered me, I was happy to do it. It was just difficult to do with the amount of pain and constant bathroom breaks. I felt that I may have made a mistake with making a doctor's appointment. I figured it has to have been the stomach flu. I thought I'd better keep the Ppointment anyway, my stomach cramps were getting worse. But the cramps were, literally in my stomach. It wasn't in my lower abdomen at all. I thought about cancelling my appointment, again. I was too tired and weak to pick up the phone. All of my energy was going into looking after the kids.

At the end of the night, I was wiped. I crawled into bed and attempted to watch a movie on TV to unwind. I couldn't concentrate on it. I was going to the bathroom every hour to throw up. I managed to get to sleep a few hours after going to bed, I hoped I'd feel better in the morning and I could tell my doctor it was just the flu.

When I woke up I had a fever. That was it. I did have the stomach flu. I was certain of it. Fever, chills, stomach cramps, vomitting, yes, stomach flu.

It was Thursday, like any other day of the week, I got up at 5 am with Kevin, made breakfast, and woke Haley up by 6:30 am. They had school. I served them their breakfast, made their lunches, found clothes for them, cleaned their morning table messes, helped them get dressed, brushes Haley's hair and had them ready by the sliding door watching for the bus by 8:20 am. At 8, Eve and Jonathan woke up. I had their breakfast waiting for them at the table. I had taken Eve out of the playpen and put her in her highchair. I gave her her breakfast and finished checking Haley and Kevin.

I wasn't sure how I made it through the morning with the amount of pain I was having. I had to stop every 10 minutes or so to baby a cramp, then start moving again in an attempt to ignore it. Didn't help. I still felt it. I thought this was a seriously harsh stomach flu. I called the band office.

"Hello. Is Hilda in?" I asked the receptionist.

I heard music, a click, more music then another click.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Hilda."

"Oh, hi Samantha." Hilda's voice raised like she was happy.

"Hey, I am having an issue and was wondering if you could help a bit." My voice was strained from the cramping.

"Well, I can certainly see. What can i do for you?"

"I'm pregnant again, but I'm having serious cramps here, and....."

"Oh! Samantha, you need to see a doctor, immediately." Hilda interrupted.

"Yes, I know. I have an appointment. But it's difficult to move around with all this pain. Could you send someone over to help me?" I asked, hopeful.

"You mean like a nurse? Or home support?"

"Home support." I grimaced.

"Well, Samantha, I don't think I can send over home support because you're in a little bit of pain. You're going to have to suck it up and get things done for your kids."

I was a bit stunned by what she said. She's supposed to be the health director for the band, and she's telling me to 'suck it up'? She had no idea how much pain I was in.

"Okay." I said with a gasp.

"Okay. Now, you make sure you get to your doctor's appointment and I hope you feel better." I could hear Hilda smile through the phone. I wished I could've kicked her.

"Okay. Thank you." I said. I hung up. I wasn't impressed with that phone call. And I, certainly, wasn't impressed with Hilda.

Regardless, she was right. I had to suck it up. These were my babies and no one else's. I had to do the job. So I continued.

Finally, my doctor's appointment came. I had told him about my mild fevers, the vomitting, the cramps and how and when it all started. Dr. Redding put in a requisition for an emergency ultrasound. He said that it sounded like the stomach flu, but he didn't want to leave it unchecked. I explained to him, again, that the cramps were in my stomach and not in my uterus. Dr. Redding acknowledged me and continued to type out the requisition. I knew to trust him, I just wanted to make it clear.

I had gone home feeling satisfied with my appointment. But, I still felt neglected for some reason. I was missing something. My appointment was in the morning, I made it home in time to have a nap with the children. I made a bottle for Jonathan and changed his diaper. I layed them down in my bed, I really want in the mood to chase them. I wanted to be able to wake up, roll over and have the choice of getting up. I draped my arm across both their little bodies and had fallen asleep shortly after them.

I woke up two hours later, it was 2:40 pm. Almost time for the kids to come home. I winced and curled into a fetal position. I was surprised and thankful I managed to sleep for two solid hours. I wasn't able to sleep all that well since the cramping started. But the cramps had worsened at that moment. I stayed in the fetal position for nearly 10 minutes before I had no choice to move. The bus driver won't let my kids off the bus unless she seen me at the window or door. I dropped my legs off the bed and tried to pull myself off with my feet. Slowly, my thighs were off the bed, then my hips, my waist and when my shoulders were still on the bed I pushed myself up with my elbows. All this while I cradled my stomach. I pushed myself up to my feet and slowly straightened out. I staggered to the door and used the door frame to hold myself up. I took a breath. I panted, in fact. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath. I could feel my kids were almost home. I had to get to the window, at least. I slid my foot across the floor, then the other. I slapped my right hand against the wall, keeping my left hand against my stomach. All the way down the hall, I dragged my feet and slid my hand along the wall.

I turned the corner to head into the kitchen, using,first the pantry shelves, then the counter. I thought I was pathetic. Hilda told me to suck it up, I was struggling to. I felt I should've been able to for the kids.

At the end of the counter there was a gap. There was nothing for me to hang onto to walk. The window was 12 feet away, and the dining table was five feet away. I could hear the bus coming down the road. I didn't want to have to walk to the school to collect them. I had to get to the window. I took a deep breath and pushed myself. I took one small step, the another. At first, I was doing pretty good. By my fourth step, I keeled over. The pain was excruciating. I dropped to my hands and knees and cried silently. A few tears fell and my chin quivered. No sound came out, I didn't want to wake the kids or get distracted from getting the other two. I crawled. When I got to a dining chair, I used it to help myself up to my feet. I followed the table to the window and fell into the sill, throwing the curtain out of my face. The bus pulled up and stopped at my driveway. The driver smiled and waved at me and I smiled and waved back. She opened the door and my two older babies bounded off the bus.

I was angry with myself. I told myself I couldn't do that again. I was weak and pathetic. I was being selfish for being a wimp about the pain. My children needed me. There was no one else who could look after them. I dried my face before Haley and Kevin could see the wet tracks. It was time to play a game. How long can I hide my pain? A game I was used to playing emotionally. Physically proved to be a challenge.

It didn't take long before I called Brenda.

"Can you come over and check on me? I'm really sick. There's something wrong. Can you make the kids dinner, too? I'm having a really hard time." I said.

"Oh. Well, what's going on?" Brenda asked.

I told her my symptoms and how I was feeling.

"Well, maybe it's gas. You are pregnant again."

I laughed and winced. "Don't make me laugh. It hurts."

Brenda laughed at me.

"Seriously Brenda. Can you come cook for the kids for me, please?"

"Mm. I think you just have the flu, Sam. You'll be ok. Either a flu or gas. Try farting, Sam" Brenda was so serious about it.

I really wanted to laugh. It hurt, though. I risked it and chuckled. " Okay, Bren." I sighed. "Thanks anyway."

"Yep." Brenda sounded pleased with herself.

Me, on the other hand, wasn't impressed that no one wanted to help me. Maybe I bothered them too much? Or maybe I WAS nothing more than a wimp? Or they just didn't like me or didn't care. I wasn't sure. I knew my sister would think of me as a wimp. Everyone else? I hoped for the first option but believes the last.

Frank hadn't been home for a few days, I suspected he'd be home the next day. He was. He spent a couple nights at home then left again. The last night, he was in bed with me and the kids. Haley was excited and playful. It was the afternoon, after nap. I spent some time in bed while Frank was there. I didn't trust him enough to fall asleep, nor would the pain let me. It was one of the nicer moments with him home. He was clean and sober for those days and kind to us. Haley bounced about on the bed and accidentally knees my stomach. I nearly cried. I snapped my body closes. I curled up and held my breath.

"Holy fuck!" Frank said, loudly.

Haley stopped moving. She gaped at me. She looked like she wanted to cry too. "I'm sorry, mommy!" She said quickly. She wanted to hug me, but I was curled up. "Mommy? I'm sorry!" Her voice became small and meek. She put her small hand on my hip.

It took a lot of strength but I moved my head up to look at her. I smiled through teary eyed and said, "it's okay, baby."

"I didn't mean to, mommy. I was excited." She explained.

"I know, baby. It's okay." I said. "I'm okay."

"Be more careful, Haley!" Frank barked.

"It was an accident." I defended her. "She apologized. You don't have to use that tone with her."

Frank didn't say anything else. He stared hard at Haley.

I moved my legs down and opened my arm. I waved my hand to gesture Haley to come hug me. I knew it was an accident. I refused to believe otherwise. Frank wasn't going to make me, either.

The next day, Frank had left again. I called my sister on Saturday night crying. I had begged her to come and check on me.

"It's getting worse Bren." I said between wimpers. I wasn't sobbing. I wasn't there yet. "Please, can you come check on me? If I have to go in, I will." I tried to bargain.

"Did you fart?" Brenda asked.

Seriously?! "It's not that, Brenda. The pain would've subsided by now."

"Not always. Try to fart. You have to try harder."

"Oh, my God, Bren. It's not that! There's something wrong." I wimpers again.

"Well, then you should go in." Brenda was suggesting to go into the hospital.

"Fine, can you come watch the kids?"

"Nope. I'm busy, Sam. I'm making dinner."

I sighed. "Then I can't go in, Bren."

"Then just fart."

"Lay off the farts, Bren. You go fart." I grumbled.

Brenda laughed. "It's okay, Sam. You can do this. It's just a really bad case of the stomach flu."

"Bren, my fevers are coming in flashes. Everytime a cramp comes I get a fever spike. And I'm getting hotter."

"Then try to use a thermometer and check your temperature. See what's going on there, cuz that's strange."

"Yeah, I guess I can try that." I sighed, again.

We finished our conversation and hung up. I slid out of bed and followed the wall down the hall. I had a medicine cupboard in the kitchen. In that cupboard, I had a thermometer. A cramp hit and a flash fever struck. I became so dizzy. I fell over into the wall. My legs gave out on me and I collapsed to the floor. I vaguely remember my head swaying. I don't remember if I fainted. I heard a warblers sound. It didn't make any sense to me. But the same sound repeated twice more. I remember fighting with my eyelids, trying to open them. The sound became less warbled but not much clearer.

"Mmm?" In my head, I said 'what?' but I do remember hearing this sound come out.

"Mm?"

"Ugh." I responded.

"Omm."

My eyes fluttered. I managed to lift my head from the wall and hold it straight, somewhat. My head wasn't wobbling anymore. But it was heavy. It plunked forward. "What?" I could finally speak, I could see straight yet.

"Mom?" A tiny voice called.

I blinked a few times. I seen a blob in front of me. It wasn't the same colour as the wall. I blinked a few more times. The fuzzy blur was slowly coming into focus.

"Mom." It was Haley. I recognized her voice, now that I could hear proper.

My eyes snapped open and I concentrated hard on my vision. My daughter was looking at me in this mess. I wanted to cry. It didn't feel right. She shouldn't have seen me like that. "Oh, baby. I'm so sorry." I said.

"Why, mommy? You had an accident. It's okay." She put her hand on my shoulder. "are you okay, mommy?

I smiled at her. I took her hand off my shoulder. She shouldn't be consoling me or checking on me. I had to turn it around. "Yes, baby. I am fine. Thank you for asking. And I'm sorry for worrying you." I explained. "Yes, mommy had an accident. Mommy has a lot of pain in her tummy, remember I told you?" Haley nodded. "Well, that pain had just surpassed my capacity. I just got dizzy and tired from it, is all." I was still smiling.

"You were sleeping, mommy." Haley a voice changed. She looked at me like she knew I was lying.

"No, I wasn't, baby. I was dizzy and had to close my eyes to try to feel better. But, I feel better now. Thank you checking on me, my girl." I said. The pain in my stomach has subsided for a few minutes, I wanted to take that opportunity to get off the floor before I traumatize my kid even more. I couldn't help but wonder, what if I was right and here was something terribly wrong? But all the people I spoke to didn't seem to be bothered by it. I spoke to more than just Brenda and Hilda. I had spoken to a couple of the nurses, Molly being one of them, and Delia Strong, she was a parent support person, now called a Kwiyos (respected aunty). The the all said the same thing, go see a doctor. I did see a doctor. But no one was telling me if I should go to the hospital or if I should stay home or what. No one was willing to help me with the kids. It was a mess. I didn't know what to do. So I pressed on to look after my children and suffer through the pain. I picked Haley up, despite my pain, sensitivity, dizziness and fatigue. I hugged her tight. I carried her to her room and tucked her back into bed.

"I love you, Haley!" I said, strongly. I didn't know what was happening to me. "I want you to hear me. I love you! And I appreciate you checking on me.thNk you so much for that. And thank you for being such a kind and gentle person. You can persevere and get through anything. I am so proud of you!" I strokes her hair.

Haley smiled, vainly, at me. "I know, mommy."

I smiled at her and walked out of the room. I closed the door behind me and lightly fell into the wall. Not from dizziness, but from exhaustion. It was hard pretending not to be in pain. But, it seems that's what I would have to do. I told myself that if I could do it that once, I could do it all day too. I pushed away from the wall and walked into the kitchen without leaning against the wall. I grabbed the thermometer out of the cupboard and stuck it into my mouth. I had minor cramps throughout the day but they were nothing. They were more mild than my menstrual cramps. It was the hard cramps that was worse. Those were the ones that were stronger and harder and they affected other things in my body.

The thermometer beeped. I checked it. 96.8 degrees Fahrenheit. That's about right. I was always, naturally, cooler than normal. Which was why I got cold so easily and had to wear a sweater most days, including days in the summertime. I shut the thermometer off and turned it back on again. The ugly cramps came in waves. I could feel when they were coming. The weaker cramps would gradually climb. I walked out of the kitchen and into the livingroom. I wanted to look for a movie to watch in bed. Then I felt it. A hard cramp was coming. I turned the thermometer on and moved toward the couch. I was too slow. The cramp came on faster than before, I stuck the thermometer in my mouth and tried to angle toward the couch in case I fell again. Then it hit. A flash fever came on and I became dizzy. I kept my daughter in my head. How she found me on the floor. I couldn't let that happen again. I tried to fight it. I fought hard. I felt my legs get weak and start to bend. I forced a step toward the couch. My toes dragged on the floor, my knees bent some more. I had to figure this out. I took another step like the first and fell onto the couch. I flopped sideways into the back of the couch and let my arms fall onto the seat. My eyes fluttered.

When the pain subsided, I took the thermometer out of my mouth. I was surprised I kept it in. I looked at it and seen it shut off. I didn't remember hearing it beep. The thermometer I had, had a smart memory. So when I turned it back on, it displayed the last reading taken. I turned it on. 104.6 degrees Fahrenheit. I stared at the display. I didn't want to believe my temperature got that high. I wanted to call Brenda and tell her. But, there was no point. She'd tell me to fart, again. I shut the thermometer off and went back to the movie shelf.

I found a movie and put it on in my room. I crawled into bed.

Cramp after cramp, I thought of Haley. I, also, thought of how high my temperature got in a matter of seconds. It scared me. I thought I was losing so much brain cells that I would be stupid. But, I couldn't stop the cramps. They came on like clockwork, every half hour.

I got up to go to the bathroom, I was getting the hang of working through my pain. I moved better and faster. I clutched the thermometer in my hand. I was checking my temperature every time and the display read the same thing, 104.6. the last cramp I had was nearly 15 minutes ago, I'd be okay to pee. Mind you, I didn't want to pee while I had a cramp attack. My muscles relax when that happens.

When I finished peeing, another wave was coming on. I turned the thermometer on and stuck it in my mouth right away. I felt my head sway and my limbs became weak. My arms dropped to my sides. I felt my body fall sideways. The heat was dreadful. I was beginning to think the cramps were causing my flash fevers and the fevers were causing me to black out. I thought they were separate symptoms for the same thing. But I began to notice that one happened after the other. I snapped out of my weak spell mere inches away from the edge of the counter. My head nearly fell into it. That wouldve hurt. Could've cut the side of my head open, too.

I went to grab the thermometer but it wasn't in my mouth. I looked around on the floor and found it. I picked it up and turned it on. My mouth dropped. It couldn't have reached that. 105.8. I thought your brain started to cook past 104, and I've been consistently reaching 104.6. I couldn't have gone higher. It did drop. I assumed the drop caused some damage. I shut it off and finished up in the bathroom.

I went into the kitchen and turned on the kettle. This one was 15 minutes after the last one. Suppose it was possible my temperature reached that high. I poured the boiled water over the thermometer. I trusted my cleaning and I cleaned the bathroom all the time. Problem was, I didn't scrub it down everyday. I scrubbed it 3 times a week. And that day was not one of those days. I had 2 small children who, often, misses the toilet. I wasn't going to take any chances. I was glad I had 3 other thermometers in the cupboard. But I had to check this one. I had to know if I could trust the reading. When I emptied the kettle over the thermometer, I wiped it with a fresh tea towel and put it on the counter. I grabbed another thermometer from the cupboard, stuck it in my mouth and turned it on. 96.9. that's about right. No major cramping, aside from the minor pain I was feeling pretty good. I took the other thermometer and stuck it in my mouth. 96.9. What the hell? It wasn't damaged from the drop. Which meant that the 105.8 reading was real. I leaned against the counter, in shock. I didn't know what to do, again.

I put the first thermometer back in the cupboard, for some silly reason, I didn't trust it. I was stunned, and walked back to my room like a stiff robot. The cramps occured every 15 minutes, and my temperature reached over 105 degrees each time. I decided I didn't want to check my temperature anymore and let the thermometer go. I layed in bed, waiting for sleep to come, as I watched my movie.

It was Monday morning. After the harsh temperature rise all weekend, I was exhausted. I went through my usual routine: get up, make breakfast, feed kids, make lunches, find clothes, get kids ready, feed other kids, send first 2 off then clean the kitchen.

Around 10:30 am my phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Is this Samantha Robin?" The voice asked.

"Yes it is."

"Hi Samantha, this is Imaging at Chilliwack Hospital. We have an appointment for you for 11:30. Make sure you do the best you can to fill your bladder, okay?"

"11:30 THIS morning?" I asked.

"Yes."

I looked at the time. "I'm sorry. I can't do that. I don't have my own vehicle and I won't be able to find a ride that quick."

The lady sighed hard on the phone. I could tell she was annoyed. This was supposed to be an emergency appointment for me and I couldn't do it. I needed time to arrange a ride.

"You're not coming, then?" Her voice was cold as ice.

"I'm sorry. I, really, can't. And I don't want to agree to this appointment and not find a ride. I have to be realistic and honest."

The lady sighed. She was mad now. "Well....I can't.......Okay! I'll see what I can do. This was set up as an emergency. If I change the appointment for you, you HAVE to make that one!" She demanded.

"I understand. I live a half hour out of Chilliwack. So I would need AT LEAST a half days notice. Just so I can arrange a ride."

"Oh." I don't think she understood I lived so far away. "Okay, I'll see what I can do for you." She hung up.

I kicked myself in the ass for that. But, there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to make it there, it was unrealistic. I had an hour. That left me 15 minutes to find a ride. It would take longer than that to wake my dad up and the people across the street weren't home. I wasn't talking to my mom a lot during this time. I didn't know her all that well and Deborah and dad had nothing but negative and scary things to say about her. So I lacked a lot of trust. I, also, didn't think she would because I hardly spoke to her. She'd come visit the kids from time to time, bring us clothes or shoes, toys, books, among other things. But there was little trust between us. I like to believe that she didn't trust me all that much either. But, it was okay. It's how it was. I decided not to let it bother me and to carry on with my day.

A few hours later, the hospital called me again. "Hi, Samantha, we have another appointment for you for Friday at 2:00 pm. Can you make it to that one?"

"Yes, that gives me enough time to find a driver. Thank you." I said.

"Okay. See you then, Samantha." They hung up.

I had called the band office right after and asked to speak to Delia.

"Hi, Delia, I was wondering, are you available on Friday at 1:30?"

"Oh, I think so. What do you need?"

"I have an emergency ultrasound to get to at 2 o'clock. Are you able to give me a ride?"

"Oh, ya, I can do that. I'll see you on Thursday at 1:30." She gave a short giggle.

"Okay, great. Thank you." I said.

We hung up. I felt satisfied. I got a ride.

The cramps were getting worse. Stronger and longer and more frequent. I was losing control. I started to walk straight and stay in my feet, but that didn't last long. It was as if the pain didn't want me to ignore it. It had to be known. I continued to have the flash fevers everytime I had a cramp. I blacked out with every flash fever and would fall into the wall or a chair. Thankfully, never the floor, again. All I could do was wait for the ultrasound to see what was going on.

Wednesday came around and I had just layed the kids down for an early nap. The pain was excruciating and unrelenting. I didn't want to move that day. I had opened a couple of canned soup for the kids and fed them that for lunch at 10:30 that morning. I pushed through cleaning the mess and got them into bed by 11:30. I crawled into bed immediately after. I had an ultrasound appointment in a couple days. I was more and more exhausted as the hours went by. The pain kept getting worse. All morning, the massive cramps wouldn't ease up. I didn't get any breaks from them. I had an ongoing fever of 105.2 degrees and I was still pushing. Still looking after the kids. Still bathing them, feeding them, making lunches, doing laundry, sweeping, mopping, etc. I sucked it up like Hilda wanted me to. No one wanted to help me. Deborah called me a wimp and told me to quit crying. They're my kids and I have to deal. Brenda wasn't coming over. No one from the band office would come over, except the nurses who were willing, but told me to see a doctor. Not even my in-laws would come and help me. My pores were spitting out sweat, I could barely keep my eyes open, I was tired from 'sucking it up'.

Then, like magic, by some miracle, the pain stopped. There's was no remnants of the pain. My temperature went down, my body cooled and I stopped sweating. My head popped off the pillow, I looked around in disbelief. I looked at my clock, 12:00 it read. At 12 noon the pain stopped. I sat up, no pain, I bounced, no pain, I flopped on the bed and rolled over, no pain. I could've cried, I was happy. For two weeks I endured it. I smiled and snuggled up in my blanket and closed my eyes. Although, the pain stopped, I was still exhausted from fighting it. A wave of euphoria encompassed me. I took a deep breath and it was fresh and cool. I fell asleep.

I spent the next 2 days elated. I blasted music and danced with the kids in the livingroom. I hadn't dusted the house in a couple of weeks, Kevin was starting to wheeze. We were gaining some control over it, they were no longer attacks and the inhalers worked a lot faster. My poor son, I had to teach him how to administer his own inhaler to himself. I was too weak. I barely managed to get through the days. He did well. I kept apologizing to him, not that it did any good for his breathing. I made sure I dusted everything on Thursday.

Everything came out. Mops, rags, broom, buckets, everything was set up for dusting and my usual major cleaning. Thursday was rough. I moved hard and fast. I wanted everything done in that one day. I didn't want to carry it over. And I succeeded. I almost managed to catch up on laundry. That would take me a few days to do.

Delia knocked on my door at 1:30 on Friday. Her smile looked stiff, but natural. I let her in. Frank happened to be home. He made it home Friday morning. I told him about my appointment and he agreed to watch the kids.

I had drank a bottle of apple juice and waited for my bladder to fill. I wasn't one for water. For some reason, I couldn't hold it down. Still can't. Apple juice was clear and light in colour, I could drink 500mL and my bladder would be full in a half hour. Unlike water, I had to drink over a liter, throw up, drink some more and wait 2.5 hours, if not more, for my bladder to fill. So, apple juice it was. I was nervous, but excited, for the ultrasound. I figured all that pain, occured after I said I wanted an abortion, it was karma. Abortion went against MY beliefs, values and moral standings. Anyone else has it done, that's their choice. I don't judge. But for me? It was hard. But this time I was certain that's what I wanted. I didn't agree with this pregnancy. There was too much going on. I was still, somehow, satisfied with the decision. I wondered why. Why be satisfied with an abortion if karma bit me in the ass? An even bigger question was, if I stood, so strongly, by my belief system, why would I go against it?? I sat in the car, smiling and laughing with Delia as we headed for the hospital. I didn't want to talk about what was going on in my head. I felt it would get me into trouble.