Eve had her own qualities that few people understood. My pregnancy with her was emotional. I don't mean in the hormonal sense, that would've been easier. I mean in the external sense.

Frank, by this time, was confused. He didn't know where he wanted to be or what he wanted to do. He spent more time away from home than he ever did before. He became more bitter and cruel. Honestly, I don't know if he meant to be that way. One thing I do know, is that Frank was always open and honest when he was drunk. The weed was to mask it. Some days were more difficult than others.

We were still in the same duplex. Too small for our small family. By the time I was pregnant with Eve, I had moved my bedroom upstairs. Haley still had the master bedroom and Kevin had taken over the playroom. I put my bed in the livingroom. It took up a lot of space, but I was closer to Kevin. He was still having his asthma attacks and didn't yet know how to get me for help, he was only a year, after all.

Eve's pregnancy went like the other two. She was healthy and strong. Only, she did a number on me. I had more cavities than the other two pregnancies put together. Gingivitis that was relentless. It didn't matter if I brushed and flossed six times a day (which I did), I still had cavities and gingivitis.

I woke up one night, around 2 am. The pressure of Eve weighed, heavily, on my bladder. I staggered to the bathroom. My head bobbled about and my eyes remained closed. It was a typical night, having to get up two or three times, this was the first time, tonight. I sat on the toilet, waiting, wondering what was taking so long. My body was tense, I didn't know why. When I, finally, started to feel a bit of relief, I gasped. I slapped my left hand and gripped onto he corner of the counter. My right hand punched the ledge of the tub. Both my feet tried to push through the floor and my knees slammed together. My eyes shut tight and my lips pulled back. I grit my teeth and let out a quiet scream. I dare not wake the children. My kegal muscles tightened, and I could breathe again. I gasped for air as my sleepiness disappeared. I was, now, awake and dizzy. I clenched my eyelids so tight that my vision was cloudy. I blinked a few times and tried to settle my breathing. I was stunned. I took a few deep breaths and relaxed my kegal muscles. I gripped the counter corner and pulled back on it. I stomped the floor and slapped at the tub. I let out another quiet scream. I tightened my kegal muscles, again.

I wondered what was wrong with me. I didn't understand what happened. My back throbbed. I was dizzy and lightheaded. Son of a bitch! I thought. I have an infection. I gasped for air, again. I didn't want to pee anymore. I've had a few UTI's before, but, none were as painful as this. A little bit of burning, a little bit of stinging. But, NEVER like this. And I didn't feel it until the urine left my body. I had to do a self check:

Pain in my urethra?..........No.
Pain in my bladder?..........No.
Pain in my ureters?...........No.
Pain in my kidneys?..........No.
But there was pain at the opening of my urethra. Shit!

I had to finish. I didn't want to. I took a few deep breaths, again. I tried to relax my body. Slowly, I relaxed my kegal muscles. My body writhed on the toilet. I kicked the side of the tub, pulled back on the corner of the counter and punched the tub ledge. I clenched my kegal muscles again. My quiet scream turned into a quiet wimper. Tears fell down my face as I fought to breathe. Son of a bitch! How much pee do I have left? I wondered. And how long before I see a doctor? And then more time to wait for the antibiotics to work. I sighed.

I tried to pee, again. This time, the pain caused my muscles to twitch, aggressively, throughout my body. I clenched my kegal muscles again and fell into the toilet tank. My head hit the wall, both of my arms fell to my sides and my legs were outstretched. 50% of my vision was black. I could see only through a long dark tunnel. I had stopped crying. Get a hold of yourself you wimp! It's a UTI, you're not dying. Just let it go. Get it done and over with. Take a breath and..... I sat forward and kicked the floor. My left hand slapped the counter and my right hand found the wall behind me. My quiet scream wasn't so quiet, anymore. Then, there was silence. I stopped screaming and crying. I remember my body feeling weak. I started to twitch and my head wobbled. I fell back into the tank, again, twitching.

I opened my eyes and seen the shower curtain. I blinked a few times. My head hurt. I had a migraine. I tried to lift my head, I couldn't. I was weak. My head pounded at me, relentlessly. My neck was stiff. I raised my right hand to rub my head, but, my arm was weak and shaking. I sat, on the toilet, breathing. My arms hanging at my side, my legs stretched out and my head bent back. If I can just get my head up. I had to tell the muscles in my right arm to find strength. It felt like I lost circulation in my limbs. My arms and legs were numb, I could feel every muscle in my body fight for oxygen.

Finally, I lifted my right hand up to my head. I placed my hand behind my head to help lift it. I pulled up at my head while I tried to use my neck muscles to help. I let out loud squeals while I gasped at the pain. I grimaced. Once I had my head upright, I massaged my neck as an attempt to ease the pain. My head swayed, I was dizzy. The room shifted around me. I took deep laboured breaths. My body filled with tremors. I pulled my feet back and felt pins and needles. I winced.

I didn't know what happened. I remembered needing to go to the bathroom. I remembered making it to the bathroom. I didn't remember anything else. I looked around me. I was still sitting on the toilet with my underwear and shorts hanging off one ankle. Definite sign I did make it. I used some tissue and struggled to reach my shorts and underwear. My belly was in my way. It hurt to lean forward. I lifted my left leg and I grabbed my clothing. I pulled the leg holes open and stuck my right leg through. I was weak and exhausted. I brought my clothes to my knees and tried to brace myself. I gripped the corner of the counter and the tub ledge. I took a deep breath and held it as I tried to stand. My arms and legs started to shake. I could feel my pores open on my face, I started to sweat. Quickly, I moved my right hand to the counter. I dragged my right foot over and leaned on the counter. I panted. Once I felt sure of my balance, I reached down and pulled my shorts and underwear up with one hand. I side-staggered to the sink and ran the cold water.

My reflection in the mirror was pale. It appeared clammy and tired. My head swayed some more. I reached my hands under the running water and splashed my face with it. I placed both my hands on the back of my neck and pulled forward, stretching my head back. I took a deep breath and exhaled, slowly.

I didn't know how long I was in the bathroom. For all I knew, the kids were awake. I left the bathroom and looked around. The kids were still asleep. I stumbled into the livingroom and looked at my alarm clock, 2:48. I sat down on the bed, confused. How long was I in the bathroom? Did I, really, blackout? What, the fuck, just happened? I looked down at my empty bed and sighed. Frank was gone. He didn't, usually, go on a binge in the middle of the week. He, typically, started between Thursday and Saturday. This was a drug binge. It was Wednesday morning. Frank left on Monday and hadn't come home. I, really, could've used a cuddle. I was scared. Having no recollection of what happened, I had the need to do a self check. I concentrated on the symptoms I did have, first. Migraine, dizzy, lightheaded, sore muscles, shaking......All of which, tells me I was tense. Used all my muscles at once. My eyeballs felt like knives were stabbing them in the back and my orbits felt like they were going break from pressure. The last time I felt that, I had a concussion. I must've blacked out. Frank was gone and I remember waking up alone, so he didn't knock me out. Kids are sleeping....What did I do? I started to pay attention to my insides:

Heart? Fine.
Lungs? Mild wheeze...Hmm.
Throat? Sore....I must've held my breath.
Stomach? Sore...Usually from nausea or clenching.
Liver? Fine.
Kidneys? Fine.
Intestines? Fine.
Appendix? Fine.
Uterus? Fine.
Ovaries? Fine.
Fallopian tubes? Fine.
Bladder? Squishy.....Squishy?! Urethra? Fine....Hmm.

Something was drawing my attention to my urethra, but it felt fine. No, I lied to myself, it wasn't fine.

Urethra? Swollen. What the hell?!

I laid down on my bed and curled up. I stuffed half my blanket between my legs to alleviate pressure from my hips and back. As I lifted my leg, I felt it. The opening to my urethra was burned off. I reached my hand around my belly and cupped my mound. It hurt. The more I spread my legs the more it burned. I closed my legs and cried. I remembered what happened. I had a UTI.

Urinary tract infections were normal for me during my pregnancies. But this? I had to remember to make sure I was still in one piece, when the pain went away. How did this happen? I was fine. I was confused. Nothing in my body said there was a problem. It crept up while I slept. I never held my pee. I always bathed or showered. How, the hell, did I end up with an infection?

I called my doctor shortly after I woke up in the morning. I explained my situation to the lady at my doctor's office, and she made my appointment for the next day, Thursday. I was happy I didn't have to wait a week for medication. But I did have to endure the pain for the next week, anyway, at least, before the antibiotics kicked in. I wasn't looking forward to that.

As days went on, my urethra hurt more and more. It was no longer at the opening, it made its way up. I could feel a twinge in my bladder. I prayed the antibiotics would work soon. I had been taking them for a solid week and the UTI was getting worse. Frank had made it home over the weekend. And, surprisingly, he stayed. I didn't bother to tell him about my infection. I seen no point. He always managed to blame me for everything and I was in, far, too much pain to deal with him. I puttered around the house, trying to accomplish things. But, the pain was getting to me. I swept the floor and had to stop to lean forward after a few strokes of the broom. I had to take breaks with every chore, like that. When Frank asked me why, I told him my back hurt from the weight. That wasn't smart, either.

"What do you mean your back hurts? You carried the other two fine." Frank asked.

I frowned at him. "Well every pregnancy is different. And you weren't even around when I was pregnant with Haley. Kevin, you spent a lot of time with your cousin."

"Well my cousin said his sister's pregnancies were all the same. You don't know what you're talking about."

I was astounded. How could he make such a statement based on what another man said. They have no idea what it was like to be pregnant. I had pain to deal with, I didn't have time to deal with his ignorance. I shook my head and started sweeping again.

"What?"Frank asked.

I sighed. He was picking a fight so he had an excuse to leave. Why couldn't the man just leave? Why start something?

"Sam! I'm talking to you!"

"No, you're not. You're talking at me. Did you want to go somewhere?" I asked. I tried to keep my tone calm.

"Why? You want me to go?"

"Look," I sighed, "you pick a fight with me, then you leave. If you want to leave, just go."

"Why? So you can tell everyone how I fucked off? No! I'm staying!"

Well, I wasn't impressed. Now, I wanted him to leave. But, I couldn't say that now, could I? I shook my head and put all the dirt into a pile.

Frank turned around and went into the livingroom. "Why can't we have the TV in here? Why does it have to stay downstairs?"

"I told you, there's no room up here." I bent over to pick up the dirt.

"Put it on your desk. You don't use that."

"Yes, I do! You know I'm going to UCFV. I have homework. I get my homework done at my desk. I, also, scrapbook there." I walked to the garbage can and dumped the dust pan.

"I never seen you."

"Because you're usually gone."

"So? I told you before, I leave because I feel like shit, I can't help you."

"You helped me the last few days." I put the broom away.

Frank went silent. I walked into the livingroom. He was sitting at the edge of the bed. I went to the Haley's room to check on the kids. They were playing too quietly. Kevin was learning to walk and Haley would have fun with his attempts. She wasn't the type to push him over, she would try to make him learn faster. Haley had a couple of ride-on toys that she would make Kevin sit on. She spent a lot of time trying to teach him how to use his legs that way. And, the smile on her face when she played with him. Her smile still hadn't faded from my mind. Such a beautiful expression of happiness and love.

I smiled at them and closed the door. I walked back into the livingroom where Frank sat. He was itching.

"Hey, if you want to go, then go. You don't have to start a fight. You don't need an excuse."

"Why? Do you want me to leave? You have some guy coming here, or what?!"

Holy shit!! Here, I thought I was doing us both a favour.

"Is that what you're doing? You fucking around on me?!" Frank stood up.

"No! I just don't feel like fighting. And your pattern is you pick a fight so you can walk out the door."

"No, I don't! Don't make shit up about me! Who you fucking?" He took a step forward.

"Nobody." I said. I couldn't win for losing. I would fight with him and kick him out. Fight with him and he'd leave. Try not to fight with him and he picks one anyway. Try to be accepting of his nature and he doesn't trust it. What the fuck, anyway?

"Yeah, right! I bet you got someone coming right now!" Frank ran to the picture window and looked down the street.

I rolled my eyes. "Fuck, you're stupid!"

Frank spun around and glared at me. "DON'T CALL ME STUPID!" He yelled. He charged toward me like he wanted to pummel me.

I stepped back. I felt fearful of what he wanted to do. I was pregnant and was limited with what I could do. I bumped the wall and a fist flew toward my face. I closed my eyes and turned my head. I felt the wall rumble behind my head. I opened my eyes and noticed Frank had punched the wall beside my head.

"You fucking cunt! You are fucking around! You slut! If you weren't then you'd have nothing to be afraid of!" He growled in my face.

He just charged at me. And, because he scared me, he thinks I had something to hide??

"Where do you get off charging at me like that? I'm pregnant! And you want to accuse me of shit that you know, damn well, I wouldn't do?! Can you just leave now? I think you've done enough damage for one day." I tried to push him away from me.

"Don't try pushing me down the stairs!" He yelped.

I gaped at him. Seriously?! I pushed his arm down from the wall and gave him a nudge to enforce my request. He barely moved. The stairs were behind him, but, he was nowhere near them to fall.

"You useless cunt!" He growled. He punched the wall again.

This time I didn't flinch. "I told you, I'm pregnant. You have no business trying to scare me like this." I spoke calmly. I didn't want to set him off even more by fighting. I wanted to remind him of my pregnancy to make him think about it. Did he really want to hurt me? Was he about to put the baby at risk because he had an itch he couldn't scratch?

"Stop using the kids against me!"

"I'm not. I'm reminding you that I'm pregnant. You really want to hit me while I'm pregnant? I don't think you do."

"Now you're threatening me?"

"No. I'm telling you that I trust you won't hurt me." I was trembling. I did my best to keep an emotionless expression on my face. It was harder to maintain a calm tone in my voice. I didn't want him to see that he was terrifying me. I believed that abusive people thrive on the fear they instill in people. I, also, believed that it didn't matter what I said, it would set him off. Saying nothing would've set him off. Frank had an ego, it fueled his rage, but it was also his pacifier. "Cuz, that's how smart you are." I finished.

Frank's face softened, a bit. "Yeah! See?" Frank took his fist off the wall and glared at me, expectantly.

"And, I'm glad you kept it quiet, this time. The kids are in the other room."

"So?! The door's closed."

"Well, parents need to keep their fights to themselves, right? You knew that. Kids don't need to get involved." I took the opportunity to walk away from Frank. Even though Frank hated to be called 'stupid', I couldn't help but treat him like he was in times like this. I wanted to hurt him. He scared me. My belly was cramping from the tense muscles. I couldn't show him I was in pain, though. I could say, whatever I wanted to him, as long as I catered to his ego in some way.

"Yeah, I knew that!" Frank grumbled."why'd you call me stupid then if I know that much?"

"I wasn't calling YOU stupid. I was calling your IDEA stupid."

"That's calling me stupid!" He argued.

"No, it's not. Do you really think that I would fuck around on you? You're smart enough to know what kind of person I am."

"Yeah! And you're a slut!" Frank raised his voice.

"But, you're too smart to stay with a slut. So, you already know that I'm not cheating on you, right?"

Frank was silent. He blinked at me a few times.

These kinds of fights were always confusing. I had to keep calm, but, I couldn't be too calm, because he'd think I was setting him up. I had to have a bit of a feisty tone. I had to be willing to fight with him. He had to win the fight. So I had to word things in such a way. I had to either confuse him or cater to him. And, it depended on what set him off. This time, I called him stupid. So I had to 'prove' to him how smart he was.

"Yeah, I guess so." Frank shrugged.

"Right, so where did you say you were going?" I walked into the kitchen.

"Down the road. I'll be back later." I heard him climb down the stairs.

I went to the top of the stairs and watched him put his shoes and coat on. As soon as the door slammed shut I fell into the wall. The fear that I was hiding came out in quiet sobs and tears. The kids never came out, I had to assume they were scared and didn't want to come out. I quickly dried my face and walked into Haley's room.

Hale was pushing Kevin around on one of her ride-on toys, still.

"Holy, Baby. You just don't get tired of that do you?" I asked, smiling.

"No, mommy." She answered. Her smile lit up the entire room. Kevin was, happily, squealing as Haley pushed him.

"How you kids doing in here?" I asked. I anticipated Haley would ask me about her dad. What happened or why he was calling me names.

"Good, mom." Haley looked at me and smiled.

"Yeah?" I smiled back. I was a little concerned that they didn't seem frightened. Nor was Haley asking anything. "Are you sure you're not hungry?"

"No. Not hungry. But I'll eat if you make something." Haley answered.

"Alright, well it's almost noon. So it's lunchtime. And you kids were in here all morning playing hard. How about you come out and eat, then we can all lay down for a nap?"

"Okay, mommy." Haley stood up and helped her brother get off the toy.

I left the room and started to think about lunch. What I was going to make, I didn't know. I cradled my belly. It still hurt from being scared.

Frank was getting worse. And I didn't know why. Something happened. Something was different. I, typically, didn't have to deal with his aggression while pregnant. Frank was really good to me. Aside from taking off for days on end, he made sure I had what I needed. At least, for the other pregnancies, he was good to me. It was when I wasn't pregnant, that was the problem. That was when he was abusive, mean and cruel.

I had tried, a few times, to leave, Frank. But, certain things happened and I couldn't. And, now, I was pregnant, again. I felt that, with things getting worse, I had to get him out of my life.

I tried to consider my pregnancy, while I considered leaving him. I was already handling things on my own, anyway, I didn't see much of a difference. He was hardly home. And on rare occasions, he was home longer than he was gone. Frank would come home, leave for half a day, come back, leave again, come home. But, only when he hadn't been drinking or getting high, he would be aggressive.

While pregnant, he would help me. He'd cook dinner some nights, run my bath, give me massages, tidy up, he'd even help me get dressed. This pregnancy, he helped here and there, but was more aggressive. He had to have, either, changed his drug of choice or added a new drug to the mix.

It had taken two weeks for the antibiotics to kick in. I was happy the pain, finally, stopped. But, this wasn't the only pain I suffered.

All through Eve's pregnancy, Frank had come home telling me things. Calling me a cunt and a slut was a basic day. A lot of nights, Frank would come home drunk.

"Where are you, you bitch?" He'd holler, staggering up the stairs.

It wouldn't matter if I locked the door, he had a key. I had to find a way to get the key.

"Hey!"Frank hollered

"Shut, the fuck, up!" I said, angrily above a whisper. "You're going to wake the kids up."

"Fuck you! You cunt!" Frank stumbled up the last step.

I sat up in bed and turned the light on.

"Why are you here?" Frank stumbled and sat in a chair across from me.

"What are you talking about?"

"I want you gone. Get, the fuck, out, you tramp!"

I was still trying to wake up. I looked at the time, "Jesus Christ! Frank, it's three in the morning. Kids are sleeping. Shut the fuck up!" I rubbed my eyes.

"Why are you here?" Frank asked, again.

"Holy shit, Frank! Go back to your party or wherever it is that you came from. Why, the fuck, did you come home?"

"My girlfriend's supposed to meet me here. You think she's going to want to fuck me with you in the house? Get your fat ass out of bed and get the fuck out!"

I blinked at him. I couldn't believe he just said that. Was he serious? Was it drunk talk? What the fuck?

"I said, get out!" He yelled the last part.

Kevin started crying. Frank rolled his eyes.

"Great. Just, fucking, awesome! Look what you did. You woke the bastard up!" Frank stood up.

I stood up and watched him.

"I bet he's not even mine! You're fucking around on me. But, whatever. I have a girl who's a better fuck than you. She knows what I like. You make me sick."

I was too stunned to cry. This was completely different. I didn't know what to do or how to play it to ensure my, and the kids', safety. I stood quietly, staring at him. Kevin was still crying. His asthma was still bad, if he cries too long he was going to have another asthma attack. What would he do if I moved? Would he come after me if I went to settle Kevin down?

"She's way thinner than you. Look at you. You make me sick!" He looked me up and down with disgust. "Your fat ass makes me puke!" He spit at me.

I flinched. Kevin continued to cry.

"Why don't you leave. Hurry up!" Frank stomped toward me.

I raised my and to protect my head. Frank grabbed a hold of my arm and yanked me toward him.

"You fat cow. Get the fuck out. My girlfriend is coming over!" He shoved me toward the livingroom entrance.

I stumbled. I grabbed my belly and managed to regain my balance. I started toward Kevin's room instead. I wasn't leaving.

"I told you to leave, you cunt!" Frank grabbed me by my shirt and yanked me back.

I stumbled, again and fell to the floor.

"For fuck sakes! You're too fucking fat to stay on your feet! You fucking disgust me! Hurry up and get the fuck out you fat fucking pig!"

I had to pull my feet underneath me so I can get on my hands and knees to get up. I heard Frank gag.

"Fuckin'..... You're making me sick!" He kicked my calf. "Get up."

Kevin screamed. If I didn't get to him, he was going to have an attack and I'd have to bring him in. I couldn't leave Haley with Frank. I had to get to Kevin. I, finally, got to my feet and stepped toward Kevin's bedroom, again.

"I said fucking LEAVE!" Frank grabbed my hair and swung me around him toward the stairs.

I, frantically, grabbed at the walls and tried to find a barrier to keep me from falling down the stairs. My foot slipped on the edge of the top step and I fell. Thankfully, I found the handrail in time. I fell down three steps before I grabbed the rail. I looked up at Frank.

"For fuck sakes! Get the fuck out!" Frank lifted his leg and stomped down on my arm.

I had enough. I stood up and climbed up the stairs. He wasn't going to keep me from my son, anymore. His life was at stake. Frank kicked at me again and hit my belly. I felt pain on my side. I grabbed his pant leg and pulled. Frank's face changed. He went from a chauvinistic bully to a wimp. I charged up the last step and shoved Frank back. He stumbled into the wall behind him. I took two aggressive strides toward him and pressed him against the wall.

"You ever try to throw me down the stairs again, I will cut your dick off while you sleep!" I growled, quietly, in his face. "Now YOU get the fuck out of my house." I let him go. Frank stared at me, wide eyed. I turned to tend to Kevin.

"You fucking little cunt!" Frank snarled.

I wasn't going to turn around. I was afraid he would call me on my bluff. Then a sharp pain struck the back of my head. I was dizzy. I leaned against the wall for balance. I put my hand at the back of my head, it was warm. When I looked at my hand, I thought I'd see blood. I didn't. Thank God. He just punched me in the back of my head.

I tried to straighten my sight so I could get Kevin. Cramps came and went all around my belly. I couldn't help but wonder what would happen to Eve. I was scared I would lose her. I was six months pregnant and Frank was being a dumbass.

I rushed into Kevin's room and picked him up. He was screaming, hard. I cradled him and tried to comfort him. Kevin settled down right away. He was still having separation anxiety. At least, now, I could put him to sleep and leave him. I couldn't leave him while he was awake, unless Haley was with him. But, we were working on it. He came a long way since when he was a newborn.

I listened to Kevin's breathing, no wheeze, no crackle. I gave a sigh of relief.

I went through Eve's pregnancy, like that. Stress, hurt, verbal violence, among other things. I tried to protect the kids and my belly. But there were a few times I couldn't.

When Eve was born, I had strange feelings. And not your typical post pardum depression kind of feelings. I was worried for Eve.

"There's something wrong with her." I told the nurse. I was cradling Eve on my chest. She was naked and sticky and barely crying.

"Oh, no, hun. She's fine." The nurse said.

"No. There's something wrong. Did you check her breathing?"

"Yes, we did, and she's breathing fine. Her vitals are strong. She's VERY healthy."

I held her close. Frank was hovering over me. He still smelled of beer from the day before. I wanted to leave him at home, but, he was, right there, behind me.

"Are you sure?" I asked. I looked at Eve. I was still emotional from the delivery. No words could express the amount of love I had for this baby. But I couldn't shake the feeling there was something wrong.

Dad, Deborah and Deborah's mother, Lynn, were there. They were just as excited and emotional as I was.

"Well," Lynn said, "nobody's going to believe me, back home, when I tell them how you were in labour, Sam." She smiled, proudly, at me. "You barely made a noise." She laughed. "You make me sick. Just a small groan when a contraction came." Lynn was giggling. She, really, couldn't believe it.

I was quiet. Her labour wasn't as hard as Kevin's. Kevin's was one long contraction that progressively worsened. He was, also, a lot faster. While Eve's was more manageable, it took a bit longer. A small wimper escaped my lips with every contraction. And Lynn was impressed by it.

"I'm going home and telling everyone I know how good and tough you are in labour, Sam. They won't believe me." She looked at Eve. "Aww. Look at her. She's so intelligent. I can tell. Look at her eyes." Lynn gushed.

I smiled up at her. I was still worried about her. I looked down at Eve and felt that I was going to learn a lot from her. She was going to bring challenges that I would have to fight to overcome.