Dear Fin,

I have received your message.

Encounter Number Two Hundred and One:

Spring is supposed to be a time of rebirth, of change, of beginnings, but all I felt was alone. Since you had left, since you had utterly destroyed my will, I felt numb with the spirit of being alive. I didn't want to be alive, but I had to be. My existence was mere, it was just. There were no adjectives before it expressing anything but dullness, of ordinariness, of just and mere.

When I was at home, I slept.

When I was waitressing, I worked.

When I was at school, I painted, but even that was losing the thrill. After all, how are you to continue to express yourself when you have lost everything you've ever been passionate about? How are you supposed to capture the world when you hate it?

Overall, I was very tired, Fin. Tired of living, tired of trying, tired of being alone, tired of everything the world has ever given me! I wanted it done and I hated myself for it. There were people in the world dying of awful diseases and conditions, praying for just a few more heart beats, and here I was willing to throw them away! I was ungrateful and I knew it. I hated myself more than I ever had before.

But it all changed one day as I slowly strolled down the street on my lunch break. Exhaustion hung at the back of my eyes, one that I didn't understand, seeing as I slept in all my free time -which was way too much for my liking- and didn't really lead any energy-inducing acts. There was no breeze, just the bright sunshine hanging in the air, weaving in out of children's laughter and smiling people and lovey-dovey couples.

And throughout the chaos of the world, throughout the beauty of the day, I only heard one thing. You. Your voice, your beautiful voice - it hung in the crevasses of the world, humming in the air, coiling around the citizens of this planet and harmonizing their lives . . . I had to find you. For the first time, purpose filled me as I followed the sound of your voice, letting it lead me like a map of the heart.

"Dreams make us into monsters,

I live under your bed.

You chose to maunder

So now you're dead."

The lyrics, for the first time, hit my ear. I knew your music to be deep, to be meaningful, to be powerful. But this . . . this was different. This was dark. This was what belonged to the new Finland Erickson, not the one that I loved. Yet I followed it anyways.

"Now you're lying next to me

You fed my belly full

You're as empty as can be

But you still feel my pull."

I followed your voice all the way to an electronics store, your face illuminated on the screens of all the model televisions. I was the only one staring avidly at the screen, others just glancing nonchalantly as they passed. You looked so beautiful, you looked so you. Dressed in an ACDC tee-shirt and torn up jeans, your hair its regular uneven mop, that gorgeous smile of yours was lighting your cheeks as you strummed along to a guitar. You're everything you had ever wanted to be.

"Anna, Anna, Annalise

My head was stuck in the clouds

So you gave your dreams to me

I wore them in a twisted shroud."

I shook my head, the words resonating with every fibre of my being. It couldn't be, it just simply couldn't. That was me, that was my name, that was my fucking stutter. Not even you would dare have the audacity-

"You taught me how to lie

Yet you never noticed the sting

I taught you how to fly

Before I broke your wings."

My cheeks burned. You had punched a hole my heart when you cheated on me, shattered it completely when I had to have an abortion, but this song . . . where was my heart, did I drop it? I couldn't feel anything except rage, rage so grand that it blinded me.

"I don't have big scary teeth

I'm a charming beast

So, baby, don't mind me please

Just admit defeat."

I wanted to . . .

"Anna, Anna, Annalise

My head was stuck in the clouds

So you gave your dreams to me

I wore them in a twisted shroud."

. . . Hurt you.

"You should've run, run, run

Run, run, run,

Run, run, run

Away."

Like you had hurt me.

"But you stayed, stayed, stayed,

Stayed, stayed, stayed

Stayed, stayed, stayed

That day."

But like you said, I should've ran away and instead I stayed. But now I know better. I know that running was the only option, because if stopping and facing life only grants you pain, then why bother stopping?

"Anna, Anna, Annalise

My head was stuck in the clouds

So you gave your dreams to me

I wore them in a twisted shroud."

"Finland Erickson, ladies and gentlemen!" Announced a red-faced host, beaming at the grinning you on stage to a roaring crowd. I recognized the host from a very popular late-night talk show, a face that everybody knew, a man that only talked to celebrities. "With his ever popular single: Annalise!"

You were a celebrity, I realized.

So, as you recommended, I ran away.

I ran off a bridge.

End of Encounter Two Hundred and One.

It came in the form of a mysterious letter with no return addressing arriving at my home. I opened it. It asked of me one thing: to turn on my television at a specific time yesterday on a certain network, whatever the specific channel may be. That was it, there were no other words in the message. Curious, I complied. Well, sort of. I forgot about it, admittedly, so I started viewing half way through what you wanted me to see. I didn't miss anything.

You were on the screen, sitting in a plush navy arm chair, next to a television host with a big personality but little authenticity behind a desk. A dazzling grin was spread across your cheeks and the host gave a big chuckling laugh. Glancing at the progress bar, I could see that the video was about half way through showing.

"So, back to your new album," said the television host in a deep, hearty voice. "Let's talk about inspiration; you have talked time and time again of heavenly inspiration, yet you never quite state what it is. Yet, the music on this new album is so . . . different than what you usually do, much more optimistic."

"Yes, well, the new album is very different than the old one. In fact, the new one isn't so much as new to me, but more to you; you see, a lot of the tracks were actually written when I was finishing up high school, a very optimistic time for me. Although, I can still guarantee the inspirations for the songs haven't changed," you replied, suave and smooth as usual.

The television host smiled weakly, but the smile didn't reach his eyes, he was probably unimpressed by the lack of cooperation you're giving him. "Ah, more of this mysterious Annalise?"

My cheeks burned.

My name and being had been plastered all over your past works, but yet you have always refused to answer questions about me to the public. But this time, you took a different approach. "Yes, actually."

The host's eyes bulged, probably mimicking what mine were doing at the moment. You were admitting that I existed! His delight was different than mine, I could tell. I was happy to be alive in your eyes, he was happy that his ratings were going up. "So, you admit, there is an Annalise?'

"Of course there is."

And something changed in your gaze. For years you had denied my mere existence to anyone who had asked, which laid further insult to injury; it was one thing to make me fall and not catch me, but another to deny that I had never fallen at all. But now . . . now there seemed to be a genuine pain glistening in your eyes, an honesty I hadn't seen in a very long time in those emerald depths.

"Well, don't leave you in suspense, tell us about her!"

You chuckled for a moment, but no one in the audience followed suit, probably just as curious as the host next to you. Your chuckle was followed by a sigh. "There are so many things I could tell you about Annalise. She's . . . well, she's so many things. She is beautiful and charming and kind and caring and intelligent and funny and- I'm sorry, I'm rambling. She's truly a sweetheart, though, one of the most compassionate people I've ever met."

"Well, that's certainly sweet of you to say, Finland," the host amended. "But I think, and I think I'm speaking for the audience when I say this, we want to know how you know her."

You sighed. "Forgive me if you're watching, Annalise, for blasting our story to the media. In the beginning of my senior year, my family moved, family issues had arisen and we thought the best thing for us was to start over again. It was there I met Annalise. She was an outcast, a misfit, just like me; she had been bullied pretty badly, causing her to be severely shy and . . . suicidal. We're there for each other in a time where we just both really needed someone to take care of us. She was amazing. She was like my anchor in a raging sea; she was with me as my life shifted into tragedy. I was in love with her- I thought I was in love with her. I would be lying if I told you that I didn't still love her, I just wasn't in love with her like I am with Ally. We got into this relationship where we're just really comfortable and content with each other and things were going great, but then . . . Ally came back into my life. She was the first love of my life, a girl I had met before I moved. I realized that although I really cared about Annalise, Ally was the one, she was my dream girl. But Annalise needed me, she was still going through some hard times and she really needed me to be strong for her. So I cheated on her."

The crowd booed and my heart started to pound more furiously in my chest, if that was even possible. The host scowled. "You cheated on a suicidal girl?"

You flinched under his words. "I know it sounds horrible, but- actually, it was horrible. I just thought at the time that I would be hurting Annalise if I left her, I convinced myself that she needed me, that I'd be selfish to leave her. I know, I was delusional."

The host still seemed sceptical. "But what about Ally Santiago? That sweet face of innocence didn't mind you cheating on another girl-?"

"No, no, no! You're getting it wrong," you insisted. "None of this was Ally's or Annalise's fault. I told Ally that Annalise and I had broken up months before we actually had so we could get something going. And you know what? Ally was heart-broken over that. She adored Annalise, they're becoming friends quickly."

"So did Annalise ever find out you're cheating?" The host asked.

"Oh, yeah," you confirmed. "Like I said, she's very intelligent, and I think she noticed quickly that something was off with our relationship. Either way, she arrived at my apartment a day earlier than she was supposed to as a surprise for me, I guess. Regardless, she was at my apartment and Ally was there. Now, the only reason that Ally and Annalise hadn't discovered the cheating through each other was because I told Ally that Annalise was still fairly sensitive about our break up and to maybe leave her alone for awhile. Annalise was too polite to say anything about it. Anyways, that's when they both found out. Things turned ugly really quickly; Ally told me she was leaving and Annalise didn't really say anything, she had turned really pale and was crying and . . . she called me some names, names I definitely deserved but didn't realize at the time. I was angry because she didn't understand; I hadn't meant to hurt her, she just wasn't the one. But instead of explaining that to hurt her, I exploded. I called her some really horrible things and by look on her face, I knew I had destroyed any confidence I had help instil in the last year together. She left completely heart-broken. Annalise, if you're watching this, I need you to know that I was lying that day. I lied because I wanted to hurt you, but you're none of those things. You're beautiful, Annalise. You're the most caring and kindest person I have ever met and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I'm so sorry for hurting you, more sorry than I can say."

"Interesting," mused the host. "And what happened with Ms. Santiago? Did you say she was going to leave that day?"

"That was Annalise's doing," you admitted, guiltily. "Ally was about to leave but Annalise spoke to her and, I don't know what she said, somehow convinced her to stay. I'm grateful for that every single day."

"So, tell us about the song you titled after her," the host demanded. "Certainly she must've heard it?"

You blushed. You actually blushed. "Yeah, she, uh, did . . . something you need to understand, before I continue, was that that song came from a very dark place. I was so mad at the world and I was still really mad at Annalise for not understanding, so I wrote that song. I never dreamed it would've gone mainstream. I was so happy about my success, I had achieved things I had never even thought possible, but it came at a price. Ally moved out and didn't talk to me for several months once she saw what I had done, although she came back at one point; my mother, who really liked Annalise as well, didn't speak to me either for awhile. I found out, actually, from her."

"Found out what?"

"Annalise had, um, listened to the song. My mom had heard from her father that she, uh . . . she jumped off a bridge. I didn't believe her, I thought she was trying to make me feel bad, so I went to the hospital by her area and sure enough she was there. I was tempted to go see her but before I could, I ran into her brother. Her brother was generally a pretty chill guy, but he was absolutely furious to see me. He deservedly broke my nose and gave me a black eye; I think he would've done a lot worse if the nurses hadn't pulled him off me. After he had calmed down enough not to kill me, he told me a bit about what happened. When Annalise had heard the song it just sent her over the edge and she found a bridge and jumped over it. She landed in the water after a very high drop and, thankfully, some passing boaters noticed and saved her before taking her to the hospital. She had broken a lot of bones and had to get some surgery and go to rehabilitation, but . . . she was alive."

I couldn't help but smile as I heard of the kind actions of Claude, defending my honour, or whatever it was that older brothers did.

"How tragic," the host acknowledged. "Have you spoken to her?"

"No," you admitted sheepishly. "I was too scared to for a long time. When I finally decided that I was ready to, I realized that maybe she wouldn't want to. So, I did the best thing I could think of. I visited one of her family members and I gave him money, lots of it. Money to cover the cost of her time in the hospital, to cover all of her schooling, an apartment . . . whatever she wanted. I had gotten all the money from my song about her, so why shouldn't she have it?"

I blushed. I remembered that money. Once I had left rehabilitation, he had placed it all in my savings account so I would have something to live off of. I hadn't wanted to take it, but Dad had insisted that it was money he had taken out of my childhood savings account and put into good stock. He hadn't mentioned you.

"Honourable," the host told him.

You snorted. "It's just money, money she had earned after everything I had done. I owed her more than that, an apology. So, I'm sorry, Annalise. Maybe we can be friends again, write me a letter or something . . ."

"Well, folks, that's our time!" Announced the host. "Thanks again to this week's guest: Finland Erickson! Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen. Tune in next week for-"

I turned off the television.

I sat in silence for thirty minutes.

And then I called Lennon. She invited me over to her place and we dressed in her skimpiest dresses and went to a night club. We danced and drank shots and got hit on by skivvy men even though Matt came with us. And it was fun to be alive and to have friends, to be young and be myself, to not rely on you.

And as I danced under the colourful lights, my skin making contact with people I didn't know, watching Matt's eyes glimmer with amusement, Lennon laugh with the music . . . I realized I didn't need you to save me. I needed to save myself.

I thought for the longest time that I needed you to make my life worthwhile, but it's without you. I have friends and family and a job I love. I am leaving a legacy behind, one that doesn't involve you. I need to be the heroine of my own tale, not the happily ever after to yours like I always thought.

So before I write you a letter (how ironic is that?), as you recommended, maybe I need to take some time to myself and fall in love with the world. Be the young, free, alive person that I am and explore. Be an adventurer.

When I loved you, time felt endless, but that infinity is over. Now it's a new one. I can't count infinites with you anymore, Fin.

I'll get back to you on that apology.

This isn't the end.

-Annalise.

*

Hey Readers!

Chapter's Song: "Skeletons" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. This song is honestly so fricking beautiful, it's so pretty and hypnotic and it makes me miss home even more for reasons I don't even know. It's about being more than someone's skeleton in the closet, about meaning something. And I think that's what's happening right now to Fin and Annalise's relationship.

Love Your Favorite Liar <3