Summer came in the form of my mentally unstable, adrenaline seeking next door neighbor, Ryder Blake.

Summer left in the form of a dark cloud hanging high in the overcast sky over the cemetery as they lowered Ryder Blake's black casket into the gaping hole in the ground.

The melancholy was heavy in the air and nobody made any attempt to try and brighten it. People I'd never seen before, classmates that'd only ever watched from afar, my friends and family-all gathered around to pay respects.

But nobody felt the sadness more than Ryan. Though he was good at keeping up his guard and tough exterior, every few minutes his trembling hand would find mine and he'd lace his fingers through my own and clench hard until he was able to compose himself once more. This had gone on the entire service and burial, but watching as everyone started to file out to the parking lot set the reality of it all in and he was staring hard at the dirt, shoulders tense, hand still shaking.

"Ryan." my mom's quiet, angelic hum brought Ryan back from wherever his mind had wandered off to and he looked to my mother and Colin as they approached. She was in a black dress that mirrored my own, only mine had lace sleeves and was a little more body hugging against my wider hips. "Oh, baby, come here."

Without another word exchanged, all six foot-two of Ryan collapsed in my five-foot nothing mother's arms. It was the only real emotion I'd seen out of him in close to three weeks, and it was both a relief and a stomach-churning feeling watching the strong man break down. Colin, stepping aside, walked over with Kathryn in tow and they both embraced me tightly, watching Mom rubbing Ryan's back in comfort.

I'd been so busy trying to comfort my boyfriend and help him with planning the funeral I hadn't stepped foot inside my own house to see how my mother was doing. Mary had been her best friend and she'd lost her and had watched these boys grow up only to have one completely torn from her as her best friend had been. It must have felt as though she'd lost a child with Ryder's passing, and I'd been too selfish to realize she was hurting just as much as we were.

*

It was bittersweet, packing my entire life up in a tiny suitcase. Max and Gabby were out in my yard with Ryan and Cade, all still dressed in their formal attire, as my best friends were going to stop by the Parks before they headed for California and Cade had stated he was too lazy to try and change and would just take the blazer off on the drive there. I could feel my mother's eyes burning into my back, she'd been there for the entire half hour I'd spent racing around the room trying to figure out what to pack and what to leave here.

"You're always welcome back here, sweetheart." she finally spoke, wrapping her arms around herself as she stepped into my room. "You don't have to try and stuff it all in there."

I could see it, the sadness, as hard as she tried to conceal it. Not only had she just lost Ryder, but she was about to lose me for the next four years, possibly even longer if I found that I liked it in California.

"I'm scared, Mom." I whispered, glancing at my friends laughing over my shoulder. "I don't know who I am without them. I need them."

Mom reached out and brushed my hair out of my eyes with a sad smile. "No, sweetheart, you know exactly who you are. I had doubts myself after you graduated, but I think you've found yourself this summer. I blinked and you went from this scared little girl to this gorgeous woman right before my eyes."

"Stop, Mom. I've already cried enough these last few weeks to last me a lifetime."

She chuckled quietly and hugged me. "No tears over this, honey. You're going to do great at UCLA, and I'm going to call you so often you're going to put your phone on Do Not Disturb."

I smiled a little at that and stared down at the suitcase and duffel bag on my made bed.

"You've got both of those boys watching out for you too." she said, nodding toward Cade and Ryan outside. "You're going to be okay, sweetheart."

"I love you, Mom." I whispered, tears finally escaping for the second time today. "Thank you, for everything. For being the best mom."

She started to fan herself as her eyes glassed over with tears. "I'm not the perfect Mom by any means, but I tried my best. And I must have done something right because you're one of the strongest, courageous, and beautiful hearted women I know."

I hugged her once more, doing the same to my sister and Colin on the way out the door. The three of them remained on the porch as I crossed the yard to the old swing set. My heart sunk a little as the memory of sitting out on it late that night with Ryder surfaced. Shaking it from my head, I was engulfed in a familiar embrace and nearly broke down again feeling Max's arms tightening around me. Though things hadn't been the same since he'd kissed me that night, there was still too many good memories for me to hold grudges, and I would never want to let go of the friendship we'd held on to for the last sixteen years. As Ryan had said, tomorrow wasn't promised and I wasn't going to waste time over dumb crap in the past.

"I'm going to miss you, Zo." he said into my hair. "What the hell am I supposed to do without you?"

I smiled into his chest. "You guys are only a half hour drive. Calm down. We could see each other every day if we wanted. Which I don't."

He eyed me in feign hurt before kissing my forehead and saying, "You're going to miss us, I promise. Even Gabby and her never-ending stream of pointless gossip."

The third musketeer took that as her cue to shove Max playfully and hug me. Her grasp was tighter despite what I'd said to my best friend, she was acting as if we wouldn't see each other for months.

"You gonna be ok?" she whispered into my ear so none of the boys could eavesdrop.

Something about the way she said it made me look up and I saw the concern lining every inch of her face. She wasn't asking about college or leaving home-she was referring to Ryder and my grief.

"Yeah, I'll be okay." I squeezed her shoulder and looked to Ryan waiting by his truck. "I have to be."

She nodded and stepped away, but made sure to add, "Just make sure you take care of yourself too, Zo. I love you."

I repeated the same to both and watched Max wrap his arm around her waist as she leaned into him a few feet away. With a small wave, they both climbed into Max's car and were off and out of sight before I could process what was going on.

"Summers, you coming?"

My head whipped in Ryan's direction as he narrowed his eyes worriedly. I grabbed my bags from the ground at my feet and trudged across the lawn to him. Cade had already hopped into the passenger seat, but smiled when he saw me standing outside.

"You ok?" he asked, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear.

Smiling weakly, I nodded, "Yeah, I'm fine.?"

*

It wasn't until a good forty-five minutes from home that I realized we weren't heading in the right direction. I almost asked Ryan until I saw exactly where it was we were going. Though it'd been dark outside when Ryder had led me here the first time, I recognized the curve of the strange road. Cade only glanced up from his phone when service cut out, looking from Ryan driving to me in between the two of them with a quirked brow. I shrugged in response, but to our immediate relief, Ryan pulled the truck off to the side of the road and turned the key in the ignition.

"What are we doing here?" Cade asked Ryan

But the moment he got out and grabbed something out of his toolbox, I understood. I'd promised Ryder this very thing when he'd brought me here. Joining Ryan outside the car, Cade and I leaned against the tailgate and watched as he tried to light the lantern.

Because it was a hazard to use an actual candle and flame, he'd managed to find a LED light or something similar and the moment we followed him to the edge of the cliff, he released it and we watched it float off, not looking too different from a real one. For a while the three of us just stood there, gazing out over the city. Then, almost as if we'd become one, we all turned on our heel in unison and headed back for the car without a word.

Not long after getting back to the main road, Cade dozed off to my left and I moved closer to Ryan to give him room to be at least semi-comfortable. I rested my head against Ryan's shoulder and a hand on his thigh. As we came up into gridlock traffic, he dropped his own hand from the wheel and squeezed mine.

Two and a half months ago I'd watched the kid I'd spent my entire life in constant avoidance of, crumble before me as he begged me to help him with the dumb list he'd conjured up. Two months ago I'd promised Ryder that I would help him kill himself. Sitting here now and recalling his confession to his brother, I understood. It'd never been about knowing how to kill Ryder Blake. He'd never wanted any of the items on the list to take him out, it'd all been a ploy. A distraction from what it was he'd truly been trying to do. He'd been trying to create a life, one without him in it, to be sure that those he cared about and loved would be okay after he departed from this world.

I turned my head a fraction of an inch and for a moment I saw Ryder beside me the day we'd I'd watched him drive that motorcycle over the cliff and on to the next. I saw the boy that was slowly deteriorating day by day, that still wore a smile in hopes it'd mask the pain that was ravaging him inside and out.

All these years Ryder had been sure I was the strongest person he knew. The most selfless, kindhearted, beautiful soul. I'd been no more than a mirror reflection of himself.

As I slowly lifted my head and turned it to look at Ryan, I smiled. Because though Ryder was gone, he would never be forgotten. I saw him every time I looked into Ryan's eyes and heard some bad prank gone awry. He would forever be a part of us.