The car was eerie silent, and I'd like to blame the giant elephant in it for that.

Given that Cade was the only one with a car big enough to fit all five of us, it'd been his SUV that we packed everything into a little after four in the morning. I had quite literally had to drag Ryan out of my guest room with reassurance that my mother was there and more than experienced in helping Ryder. We would only be gone a day, nothing would happen.

Gabby and Max must have still been tired because they were out in the back beside me not even a half hour on the road. Gabby's head was against Max's shoulder, her mouth open slightly, hair tickling his nose every few minutes. Eventually he rested his own head against hers and succumbed to the sleep I so desperately needed.

It'd been three days since Ryder had revealed his intentions behind all of this, and though it'd been a shock, it hadn't changed anything. I still laid beside Ryan most nights, occasionally finding myself wandering across the hall to curl up in Ryder's bed and holding him as he sobbed. The life in his eyes continued to fade, replaced with agony and pain. Mom had tried to talk to me about the inevitable that was to come, but I'd refused to stand and listen. I refused to accept the reality of all of this.

Ryder couldn't die. He wouldn't just be a corpse rotting in the ground at the cemetery. He was going to get through this, just like he got through everything.

"You good?" the quiet voice startled me and I jumped in my seat a little. I lifted my head slowly to meet Cade's dark eyes in the rearview mirror. I blinked, touching at my damp cheeks-I hadn't even realized I was crying.

"Yeah." I whispered. It wouldn't do anybody in this car good to talk about the elephant prancing around.

Cade remained quiet for a while before he finally said, "He's not going to go out without a fight, you know that, right?"

A quiet sob broke past my lips at the comment, but I nodded slowly. I knew he was right. That was the one thing that could be promised.

Ryder wouldn't stop fighting until there wasn't any fight left in him.

**

By the time night rolled around, Cade, Gabby, and Max had headed off to join a party on the other side of the beach. Ryan sat on the sand, not even bothering to use the red towel I'd thrown down for him, his hands in his dark hair, head bowed a fraction. I had decided to leave him be for a bit, because I didn't quite know what to say or because I thought he needed time to process stuff on his own, I wasn't sure. But he eventually glanced around us, as if he were just realizing my friends had ditched us, then looked at me in surprise. "Why didn't you go with them?"

"Because they don't need me." I whispered, grabbing a handful of sand and watching it slip through my fingers. "You do."

"You can't put your life on hold for me, Zoey."

I shot him a weary look. "It's not just about you, Ryan."

"What do you expect to do when. . . when. . ." he trailed off, but he didn't need to finish the question anyway. I got the point and I hated the question.

"I don't know."

He made a gesture at the deserted beach around us, "You're not staying there. You're not going to pass up UCLA to stick around and watch me wallow in my depression."

"I'm not going to go to UCLA and fail every class because I'm thinking about you and the promise I made to your brother every second of every Goddamn day, Ryan. Get over yourself."

"He's not even going to make it past August." Ryan snapped, his voice catching. "I heard your mom talking to my dad this morning. She said he's declining fast and he's been running a fever the last couple nights. She thinks he might have pneumonia."

I opened my mouth to respond but couldn't find it in me too. Instead I wrapped my arm around my legs and hugged them against my chest.

"I don't know what to do." Ryan continued. "I can't. . . why couldn't it have been me? Why him? He's so fucking young. He hasn't even gotten to step foot on campus yet."

"Ryan—"

"I promised my mom I would take care of him! I promised her that I wouldn't let anything or anyone hurt him. That I'd protect him." Ryan threw his hands up in exasperation. "But look at him now? He's dying! And I'm sitting on a fucking beach in LA while he's puking his internal organs out in a waste basket!"

I flinched, tears stinging my eyes as I rocked back and forth.

"I don't want to think about the day that we walk in there and his body is still. I don't want to think about having to plan the funeral because I know my father won't do shit but be there for show." he wiped at the tears on his cheeks aggressively. "I understand the notes now. I don't want to be around to see him—"

I whirled on his blurred image and glared. "What? You want to leave me here to mourn the both of you? You want to be a selfish piece of crap and leave me when I need you!"

Ryan dropped his gaze to the sand.

"You're so caught up in yourself, Ryan, that you don't ever take a step back and see me!" I snapped, voice rising. "You don't see that I need your arms around me as much as you need me against your chest. You don't see that I need to wake up to you every morning in order to have the strength to be here when that time finally comes. You don't see that I'm holding on by a thread and I don't know how much longer I can do this!"

He shook his head, as if he were going to defend himself, but I stood.

"You keep trying to push me away because you think it'll be easier for you to hurt yourself if nobody cares, right?" I walked over and fell into a crouch beside him. "Jokes on the both of us, because I fucked up and I got attached to you. Both of you. I need you, Ryan. I. . ."

I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head, ready to turn and walk away when I felt his hand catch my wrist.

"I don't want you to love me, Zoey." he breathed, his eyes a reflection of the ocean water before us. "I don't want to love you."

I moved so I was on my knees in between his legs and wrapped my arms around him, digging my nails into his shoulder blades as he held me against him. It wasn't until I'd looked up a fraction that I saw Cade and my best friends a few feet away, all of them wearing identical expressions of sadness. But it was Cade who finally sunk to his knees and started crying as the reality of the situation hit him as hard as it was Ryan. Max and Gabby fell on either side of him and rested comforting hands on his shoulders, leaning in to whisper to him.

In the dim light of the moon that was over the shore, the five of us finally accepted that this wasn't just a stunt or a prank that Ryder was playing. This was real. This was going to happen.

Ryder Blake was going to be dead by the end of summer.

*

By the time Cade had dropped us off, it was a little after ten in the morning and Ryan was a zombie. His sleep deprivation had nothing on his desire to see his younger brother and we walked into my house and were ready to head down the hall when Mom caught us at the entrance of the hallway.

"No." she whispered.

Ryan, hearing the catch in her voice, snapped, "Why? What's going on?"

"I had to." she looked to me. "He was getting worse. I knew he'd seize if I kept him here. If I didn't get some medications in him."

"Where is he?" Ryan shouted, but I stepped between him and my mother, shaking my head.

"Mom, where is he?"

My mother crossed her arms over her chest and met Ryan's eyes over my head. "He's at the hospital. Your father helped me get him in there late last night."

"Why didn't you call?" Ryan growled. "Or even text. We would have come—"

"Ryder wouldn't let us take him unless we promised to not let you know." she whispered. "He said he didn't want to ruin your day."

I turned and looked at Ryan, extending a hand to caress his cheek. "This is what we wanted, Ry, isn't it? He's at the hospital, They can help him, they—"

"He's at the hospital because he was so sick he physically couldn't handle it anymore."

"Ryan." I said with a warning tone.

He turned on his heel, fishing his keys from his pocket. "I got to go."

"Ryan, let me—"

"No, you stay here." he snapped, not even looking over his shoulder at me. "You need to get some rest, Summers. I'll call if there's an update."

Then he shook me off and slammed my front door behind him. I waited until I heard his truck roar to life to turn and look at my mother.

"He's right." she closed the distance between us and brushed my hair out of my eyes. "It's best you don't see Ryder right now and he knows that, Zo. He's only looking out for you, sweetheart."

"Mom." I whimpered, but I didn't need to elaborate further. She circled her arms around me and clutched me against her chest. I felt her hands in my hair, but she didn't whisper soothingly as she usually did, instead she pulled away after a second and led me down the hallway to my room. It'd been close to a month since I'd slept in my bed, but it was disheveled as if someone had been in it. She helped me get my shoes off and tucked me into bed as she had when I was a small child. "Mom, how long does he have?"

She reached out and ran the knuckle of her index finger down her cheek. "He wasn't looking too good, honey."

"Mom."

"Do you want me to answer as your mother or as a nurse?"

"Both?"

She smiled sadly, tears in her eyes. "As your mother, I think you need to get a few hours of sleep and head to the hospital to be with the boys. Ryan's going to need you, honey. And Ryder—"

She shook her head, wiping at her cheeks with the back of her hand, before she added, "And you need to prepare your goodbye, baby girl. I don't think he's going to make it to the weekend."

I tightened my grasp around the blanket over me and brought it to my mouth and balled it into a fist. She frowned and started to rake her fingers through my hair.

"You're strong, sweetheart. The strongest woman I know." she said, her voice cracking. "You're going to get through this. Colin, your sister, and I are here for you and Ryan, I hope you know that."

She kissed my forehead and walked out before I could say anything else. I rolled over on to my back with my fist still under the blanket against my mouth and I cried. I cried until I could barely breathe because I knew as soon as I stepped foot outside this house, I wouldn't be able to do so. I would have to be Ryan's crutch, I'd have to hold it together for his sake, even if I was slowly unraveling inside.