I woke up at four am to Max knocking on my bedroom window. Under different circumstances, I would have gotten up in a heartbeat and let him in. It was something he'd been doing since middle school, a bad habit he'd fallen into. He'd grown so afraid of my father he'd come to my window any time he wanted to talk, hang out, or just see me. Even after my parents had divorced and my father was long gone, he'd continued to only come in through my bedroom window. He did it so often that my stepfather had started to get a offended, asking if it was something personal toward him.

"Zoe, please open the window." He pleaded, knocking harder.

So much for beauty sleep.

I tossed my blanket off the edge of the bed and got up, stalking across the room and opening my window with a glare. "What do you want, Max?"

"I want to talk." He leaned forward so his hands were on the windowsill. "You've been ignoring my calls and texts for two days."

"I was busy." I answered through a yawn. "And I really don't want to talk to you right now."

He tried to reach for my hand, but I yanked it back in.

"Zoe, I'm sorry." He dropped his hands to his sides. "Please let me in. Let me explain."

"Explain what?" I retorted. "Why you thought it was a good idea to kiss me? Or the fact that you've been in love with me for like ten years and didn't think to say anything? Cause I'm perfectly fine with you explaining from where you are.'

He ran a hand through his hair, looking defeated. "I'm sorry for kissing you. It was stupid and impulsive and I know that it was wrong. As for being in love with you, I don't know what you expect me to do. Should I apologize for that too? I can't help that I fell in love with you, Zoe. But I'm sorry that I did."

"I don't want an apology for that. I want a reason why you didn't say anything. Why you didn't tell me sooner." I deflected.

He pressed his hands back against the windowsill. "What was I supposed to do, Zoe? Just walk up and be like 'Hey, this is totally not weird, but I'm in love with you and I know you don't feel the same way.' It would have destroyed our entire friendship, Zoey. Not to mention Gabby is obviously in love with me, which makes shit a whole different level of complicated."

So he had known about Gabby?

"But you thought kissing me wouldn't ruin it?" I whispered.

"I thought kissing you would give me a definite answer." He reached over and rested his hand on top of mine. "But it was a huge mistake and now I'm even more confused. All I know for sure is I don't want to lose you, Zoe."

We'd had our fair share of petty arguments and fights through the years, but this one had definitely been in the top five, probably even number one. But staring at him, the one person I allowed myself to show emotions in front of, I could feel all the anger starting to drain from me.

"I love you, Max. As much as I love my Mom." I shook his hand free and pushed the window open more. "But I'm not in love with you. I won't ever be. I need you to understand that."

He climbed through the window and stepped in front of me. "I know, Zoe. I'm confused, sure. But I know where you stand. That shit won't ever happen again. I swear." He crossed his heart with his finger and hugged me against him. I rested my head against his chest, then reached to close the window, but paused. Ryder was sitting in front of his window, watching what had just happened as he had the other night. He offered a weak smile before he drew his blinds and disappeared.

**

After cooking up a quick meal for Max and Kathryn, I kicked Max out. He didn't ask what I was doing or where I was going, but I could tell by the disapproving look in his eyes he had a pretty good idea. He was smart keeping to himself, knowing he was already on thin ice with me.

Ryder met me outside a little after ten, looking refreshed and even had a slight bounce in his step. He looked so normal and healthy that when I saw the bruised veins on his forearms from the millions of IVs and needles they'd forced into his skin, I felt my stomach start churning.

"You ready to cross of the second thing on the list?" He grinned. "I have a feeling this one will be the one to take me out."

"Say that again and you'll be going by yourself." I crossed my arms over my chest. "You don't get to play sad sap one minute then want to kill yourself again the next."

I watched as his happy expression faltered a little. "Fine, fine. Sorry, I'll start over. Are you ready to cross the second thing off the list?"

I stared him up and down, at ease seeing he was in a tank top and skinny jeans. At least we weren't doing the whole skinny-dipping thing yet, and even if he did at some point, I would kindly opt out.

"Depends what it is." I answered, but Ryan loading a very familiar motorbike into the bed of his truck answered the question before it could even be asked. "I am not riding driving that off a cliff."

Ryan was laughing in amusement as he joined us on the sidewalk. "You're right, you're not. It takes a lot of practice to even maintain balance on those things, let alone drive them over a cliff."

"Then why am I coming?" In my defense, it was an extremely logical question, but Ryder stared at me as in shock.

"I need a cheerleader and a photographer." He rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. "And you just happen to be perfect for both."

I laughed quietly at the comment. "I'll agree on the photographer comment, but it's a big meh with the cheerleader thing. I don't have a lot of pep in me."

"Sure you do." Ryder reached out and dropped a hand on my shoulder, "You're just too afraid to let yourself feel it. Everyone's got a lil pep in them. Now, come on."

I rubbed a hand down my face, reaching back up to fix my glasses. "Do I have to?"

Ryder was already walking to the truck, but had somehow still managed to hear my quiet huff of irritation.

"Yes, now go change and hurry up. We've got places to be, woman!"

*

Deciding I didn't feel like dealing with the pain of contacts, I kept my glasses on and grabbed a pair of shorts and tank top before hurrying out to join the boys. Ryan was in the drivers seat, an extremely irritable look in his half open eyes. I got the sneaking suspicion he got as much sleep as I did last night.

Ryder, however, looked as if he'd just downed an entire cup of sugar. He was bouncing in the passenger seat like an excited ten-year-old after being told they were going to an amusement park.

He hopped out of the car once he saw me approaching, "Took you long enough. Do you have any idea how annoying Mr. Buzzkill here is?"

Ryan muttered something under his breath, but didn't bother to say anything loud enough for Ryder or I to hear. I leaned back in my seat once I was in, definitely not oblivious to the tension in the car. Ryder's phone was vibrating continuously in his jean pocket, but he ignored it, only glancing down a couple times to see if it'd stopped.

"Why aren't you answering it?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Cade won't leave me alone. I told him to piss off, but he just keeps bugging."

"He's your best friend." I defended. "He's worried about you, Ryder. He's already talked to me a couple times too."

"Of course he has." Ryder rolled his eyes. "Because for some reason he and Ryan don't get the hint."

Before I could speak, Ryan slapped a hand against the wheel beside me angrily. "All I have ever done is try and help."

"Since you found out, maybe." Ryder retorted. "But before then? You couldn't give less of a shit about me or Dad. Or anyone for that matter. All poor little Ryan cared about was maintaining his reputation and our dead mommy."

"Fuck you!" Ryan growled, looked ready to reach over me and knock his younger brother out. "You think all the shit you got after Mom died was Dad's doing? He doesn't do anything but run off with his whore of a girlfriend and pay for her kids like they're his own. I did all of that, Ryder. I made sure he kept the roof over our head. I made sure that I was able to keep clothes on your back and food in the house. You think I, a sixteen year old boy, wanted to work two jobs? Hell no I didn't. And yeah, maybe I did it because I knew it was what Mom would have wanted, but I did it for you too. So grow the hell up, get over your stupid superiority complex, and learn to appreciate what you have in front of you before it's too late."

Ryan's words were enough to render me speechless. I turned my full attention to the road ahead, knowing very well shock was evident on my face. Ryder was shaking his head, but didn't respond to anything his brother had said. He dug his elbow into the door, propping his head up with it and dug through his pocket for his phone. After a few minutes, he turned his back to Ryan and me, staring out at the blur of tree passing outside the window, and called his best friend.

"He's hurting, you know. He's just afraid to show it." I hoped that I spoke quietly enough that Ryder couldn't hear, but Ryan could. Luckily, he did, and glanced sideways at me.

"That doesn't give him the right to treat me like shit. To push me away like I haven't been there for him. Like I'm not hurting too."

"I never justified that." I replied. "But he is the one dying, Ryan. He's the one suffering mentally and physically, and I think maybe he hasn't fully accepted the cancer yet? I don't know what's going on in his head, other than what he's said to me and what I've seen, but you need to give a little on your end too."

Ryan's entire expression twisted from anger to bitterness. "And when he's gone, then what? I get to sit here and regret not trying harder to make him take his meds. I get to sit here and question all the what ifs of what I didn't do. Because I had to give a little to please his stubborn ass."

I tried to find the right response to his comment but couldn't bring myself to answer at all. I understood both sides, and that made it harder to be on one side or the other. Ryder believed that if he pushed everyone he loved to a certain point, they wouldn't come back from it and would start to loathe him. Doing this, he though it'd be easier to die with everyone hating him then mourning his death. Ryan on the other hand, was trying everything in his power to help his brother not meet the same fate their mother did, and all Ryder died was push back with resistance.

Thankfully both boys remained silent and the tension had died down a little by the time we slowed to a stop along a familiar road. I'd only been to Canyon Cove a handful of times with Max and his teammates over the years, but had never really paid much attention to it. As Ryan pulled the car to a stop in the dirt at the top of the cliff, my stomach dropped. This had been the same place Ryder had brought me last night, but it looked like a different place entirely. The cliff was much higher than it had appeared last night, and there was nothing but rocks and rubble at the bottom of it. Which meant if Ryder didn't make it across, he really would get achieve his death wish.

Ryan started to unload the bike, but I could see the indecisiveness in his eyes. He didn't look at all in favor of what his brother was about to do.

"Come on, you sad sacks." Ryder popped up behind Ryan, taking the bike from him and wheeling it over to the edge of the cliff. I swallowed, shaking my head to myself.

"I can't watch this." I breathed. "If he doesn't—"

Ryan cut me off before I could finish. "He will."

Before I could say anything more he walked back around to the cab of the truck. I sighed, staring at my feet as I headed for Ryder at the edge of the cliff. He was looking over and down at his demise. I could see fear in his eyes, but he only smiled when he realized I was next to him.

"I'll be okay." I must be a walking open book. "Don't worry, Zoey."

Just as I opened my mouth to speak, Ryan joined us with two helmets.

"You're not." I said flatly. Ryan smiled.

"He is." Ryder said irritably. "He always has to one up everything I do."

As if he hadn't heard a single word his younger brother said, Ryan slid a helmet over his head.

"You didn't think I was going to let you try this and not do it myself, did you?"