How long had he been standing outside Marius' door?

Frey tried to convince his hand to move for the third time, just enough to knock on the damn thing, but it would not budge. He couldn't blame it either. He dreaded knocking. What would Marius do when he saw him? What if he told him to go away? What if he yelled at him again? And what if he just didn't open the door at all? Would Frey have to stand outside in the rain even longer?

His hood had almost fallen back to leave his head unprotected against the weather, and he pulled it further over his head with a trembling hand. Anxiety was thriving in his chest, feasting on his breath and sending cold sweats to prickle his skin, as if making up for where the rain failed to reach.

For the love of Ilara or whoever, just knock.

Before he could make another attempt to move however, the door opened. Right in his face. And for a second time Frey got a taste of what it was like to be Luna.

A confused Marius looked behind the door with a frown, saying nothing as Frey recovered from awkwardly staggering backwards with a hand covering his nose. He didn't say anything as Frey made an effort to seek eye contact either, forcing a reluctant Frey to speak first.

"I..." Frey inhaled a deep breath. "... Think maybe we should... Talk."

Marius' expression was hard to read as he moved to the side, at least letting Frey in without turning him away. His swollen eye looked slightly better than the day before but it still made his face look dour, and Frey had no idea if it corresponded with the emotions he felt at the time.

"So..." Frey hesitated again, eyes wandering down to notice Marius' coat. "... You were heading outside. I mean, it's not surprising... You did open the—"

His sentence ended abruptly as Marius threw his arms around him, pulling him into a tight embrace.

"Uh," was all Frey could utter as the air went out of him, but even as he regained his breath he couldn't find words.

"I was so worried about you." Marius ran a hand through Frey's hair while pressing him closer, and the latter buried into his shoulder with a relieved exhale.

All of a sudden, Frey's knees thought it appropriate to buckle. He'd been so tense. Fear and anxiety had clutched him hard, and as the feelings melted away to allow some relaxation, his worn out limbs had no interest in holding him up anymore.

"Can I sit somewhere?" he asked as Marius had to adjust his grip on him to keep him from sliding down on the floor.

He sat down on the bed, much preferring the stability compared to the lonely chair, and though it had not been made yet it was a comfy place to sit.

"I was going to see you." Marius sat down next to him after helping him off with his coat. "Or at least try... I don't know if it would have been possible, but I had to know what happened. Are you alright?"

"I came here to apologise," Frey said without giving any thought to Marius' question. He'd readied himself all morning to go there and say what he wished to, so he couldn't risk getting off track. "And I know you're angry and may not want to listen, but I don't want to leave things the way they did—"

"Frey." Marius placed a finger against Frey's lips. "At least answer me first."

Frey blinked, question catching up to him and despite his reluctance to stray from what he had to say, the words confused him.

"If I'm...?"

"Are you alright?" Marius repeated, looking more and more convinced that was not the case. "Are you hurt?"

"Why... Are you asking?" Frey couldn't wrap his head around it. His health was not important. "I'm here to apologise."

"Why am I—?" Marius wrinkled his eyebrows. "Because of what happened. And before that, with Carrigan and all."

Frey winced at the mention, making Marius look even more worried as he continued.

"Did... Did he hurt you?"

"No," Frey whispered, feeling his barely functioning mind failing him. The conversation had already taken an undesirable turn. "He didn't."

"And what about your head?" Marius would not drop the subject, and Frey raised his shoulders as he tried to shy away from having his head touched.

"It's fine," he insisted. "I'm doing fine."

"No, it's not fine." Marius' expression darkened again. "You were not fine yesterday, and I didn't make things better. I was angry, and I yelled, and made you feel... Well, the way you seemed to feel. Which seemed bad, to say the least."

"I'm trying to apologise," Frey said again, almost desperate to get to it so he wouldn't lose the momentum of coming there. "Isn't that what's most important right now? I— I hurt you, and I put myself in that situation and I need you to hear it."

Marius chewed on his lip, gaze lowering to their hands as he interlocked them.

"What I want most is an explanation. At least to begin with. I was too upset to listen earlier, but I want to do so now."

"Good." Frey exhaled in relief as he could move on with his task, and he leaned forward to bring out a letter from his coat pocket. "I wrote it down."

"You... Wrote your apology down?" A weak smile of amusement from Marius' side, but he obediently went back to being silent.

"I actually wrote it as a letter first," Frey admitted, looking sheepish as he nodded at Marius' sceptical look. "And then I remembered you wouldn't be able to read it, but... I kept it anyway, so I could read from it."

Marius raised his eyebrows to suggest he continue, so Frey cleared his throat as he held the letter in front of him.

"Marius," he read, already feeling his pulse picking up its pace, which did not seem like a good sign. "It's hard to express how sorry I am for hurting you. I may have had my reasons for acting the way I did, but that does not mean they're good excuses."

He drew a frustratingly shaky breath.

"I ran from you when Carrigan and the stable master found out. I should have stayed and made sure you were all right after the stable master beat you." He only dared a brief glance in Marius' direction, not wishing to see his expression but not wanting to ignore him being there either. "But I panicked. I panicked because of the pre-existing threat on West Kerilia, and how me losing the respect from others would affect that. I panicked because he threatened you - saying I either had to choose you and lose my position, or tell people you assaulted me and thereby see you fired or even worse."

"Frey—"

"I thought I'd chosen the best solution." Frey would not be interrupted, grip trembling around the letter. "He's wanted me for so long and my pride seemed like a small price to pay for your safety and my chance to save West Kerilia. I thought his silence would make things go back to normal, but I should have realised how wrong that was. How I was betraying you anyway, and not trusting you enough to talk to you about it first. I wanted to make sure he wouldn't tell anyone, so I ran."

He paused, partly to catch his breath and partly to let Marius process things so far.

"As if things weren't bad enough, you ended up losing your job anyway."

"That's not why that happened," Marius protested, but Frey hushed him.

"I gave Carrigan what he wanted but it didn't matter in the end. Not regarding you, and in light of this I acknowledge you don't have an income for the time being and I want to offer to cover your living expenses as well as the sum of your salary that you usually send to your family."

"What?" Marius shook his head with a frown. "We don't—"

"Will you let me finish?" Frey finally had to snap, tired of the constant interruptions and the upcoming— and last— part was the hardest, so he had to keep going without thinking too much.

Marius pinched his lips shut again, so Frey drew a deep, excruciating breath.

"And finally... I want to apologise for you having to witness my... Unfortunate condition." His cramped grip almost crumpled the paper. "I know it's frightening to see and it makes people uncomfortable. I—I've tried my whole life to hide it and be someone others could find pleasant to be around, but I can only control it so much, and my involuntary behaviour often affects— and is affected by— my emotions. I understand if you don't want to experience those moments again, but unfortunately I don't get to decide whether they happen or not, so I can't promise to hide them from you every time, should you want to be close to me, still."

Another breath as his heart felt about ready to implode.

"I hope... Despite all the pain I've caused you, that you'll forgive me." He glanced down at the last words on the page, almost scared to look at them. "Because..."

Then he tore his eyes away from it, folding the letter before putting it aside.

"... Well, because I don't want to ruin things, of course." He shrugged it off with a forced smile. "Goes without saying. Don't know why I wrote that."

Marius' eyebrows were raised as Frey finally dared to look over at him. If it was because of the abrupt ending or because of something in the letter, however, was unclear.

"First of all, I lost my job because I punched Lord Carrigan." Marius spoke slowly to make sure Frey heard him. "With the way things were going I imagine I would have punched him sooner or later, and I don't regret it."

"Even though—"

"Even though it cost me my job, yes." Marius nodded. "I knew what I was doing, Frey. It was my decision to go through with it."

Frey drummed his fingers against his knee, still not convinced.

"But you need a job, don't you? You need the money."

"I'll find a new job." Marius didn't look too bothered. "Not as good, probably, but I'll get by."

He moved a hand to flick Frey's nose, to the latter's dismay.

"And don't start going on about handing me or my family money. We're not poor just because you think anything below high class is. My living expenses are low, my job was well-paid, and all adults in my family have jobs of their own. I send my mother money because they're more people than I am, so if things would get rough, they'll have enough to last through whatever would cause it."

Frey nodded slowly, not feeling great about his still incorrect assumptions regarding Marius' family.

"So... In short, you're not angry about losing your job?"

"I don't love it," Marius clarified with a grimace. "But it is what it is."

"I guess the bigger issue is Carrigan, then?" Frey's words came out lower than intended. "And what I did..."

Marius closed his eyes, possibly gathering his own thoughts.

"The bigger issue is not what you did, but why you did it." He sighed as Frey did not look enlightened. "It's not like I wouldn't have been upset regardless of your reasons, but had it at least been because you wholeheartedly wanted to, then one of us would be happy. Now you've given up your boundaries, apparently to some extent because of me, and it sounds to me like you thought I'd want that."

His stare burned Frey's skin as he continued.

"Why would I want that? Disregarding you running after him at first, I can understand you panicking and blurting something out in the heat of the moment, but you also went through with it. You could have come to me after talking to him and at least told me what was going on, because I could have assured you that I'd rather hide away or move somewhere else rather than have you do something like that for my sake. I'd never ask that of you. I loved my job, but I..."

He trailed off, and Frey tensed up as he waited for the continuation.

"... I'll, uh... I'll find a new one." Marius looked away. "Just haven't figured out what."

Frey balled his fists, opening and closing his mouth in hesitation before managing to speak.

"Do you want to come live with me while you're doing that?"

Marius stared at first, then he laughed.

"I already doubted they'd let me into the building, so living there with you seems unlikely."

"No, I'm..." Frey swallowed. "... I'm leaving town for a while. I'll stay at my family's country house over the summer."

"Oh." A wrinkle formed between Marius' eyebrows. "The whole summer?"

A nod, so he continued.

"So... Does that mean if I don't come with you, I won't get to see you at all?"

Frey shrugged, eyes fixed on his knees.

"Not a lot. It would be a long trip to just spend a day or so."

Marius nodded comprehensively before performing a shrug of his own.

"Not a difficult choice, then."

"... As in?"

"Come on." Marius' lips curved in amusement. "You're really insecure enough to wonder?"

"You should know from last night that yes, very much so." Frey scrunched up his nose. "But... Damien suggested we should get away from all this, to see how things would be if we weren't constantly watched."

"If you actually gave up your life with those people?" Marius laughed through his nose. "Maybe it's not a bad idea. See what you've been missing out on, and all."

"I'm just... Not good at taking care of myself that way," Frey mumbled, dreading that biggest cause for his hesitation. "I don't know how to take care of a house, or cook, or... do chores, at all."

Marius gawked.

"You'd live without servants? We'd be alone-alone?" He then narrowed his eyes. "You're not bringing me with you just to have someone take care of you, I hope?"

"I don't even know if you're good at those things either," Frey defended himself. "You can take care of horses, and you live on your own but it sounds like you mostly go out to eat which won't be possible that often over there, and there's no bigger maintenance needed on this place compared to that house."

"Still, I'm more likely to have practical skills that you don't." Marius still looked sceptical, but there had been a small change in his tone that Frey hoped indicated he was joking about being suspicious, at least a little. "But don't you go around thinking you won't have to work just because of that."

"I'm... Sure I can be of use even in a place like that."

Marius sighed again, but with a soft smile on his lips as he placed an arm around Frey to lean him against his shoulder.

"I guess we'll find out."

Frey nodded, but he couldn't relax. Not until they'd addressed the biggest part of his apology.

"And... You're alright with what happened last night?" he mumbled. "With me?"

"Are you alright?" Marius shook his shoulder lightly in frustration. "I've tried asking you but I never get an answer."

"Of course I'm alright." Frey pouted while being shaken. "It happens all the time."

"But you're hurting yourself, aren't you?" Marius stroked the back of Frey's head. "It didn't seem like 'alright' to me."

Frey's gaze fell to the floor.

"So... It bothers you?"

"I get the feeling your idea of bothering in this case is different from mine."

"I just don't want to scare you off."

Marius huffed, letting his hand drop down to Frey's shoulder again.

"What in Sihlea's name do I have to be scared of enough to run away? You? Are you hiding bigger muscles than mine under that shirt?" He pinched Frey's arm, causing the latter to blush. "Yes, I was scared yesterday, but I was scared for your safety, you ninny."

Frey stared ahead, eyebrows wrinkling as he processed Marius' words.

"... Am I a ninny?"

"Biggest one I've met."

"But I still need to be honest," Frey insisted, even though it was difficult. "It can be bad. Sometimes I break things. It's not just crying and hitting myself."

"From what I've been told by the servants inside the mansion, you throw things regardless so I was never worried about that - unless it's something hard and I'm the target." Marius grinned, but lowered his voice into a more serious tone afterwards. "But I won't pretend I can handle it perfectly, at the very least not at first. Part of my concern yesterday was that I'd make things worse. That I'd say or do something that would cause you to hurt yourself more. It's all new, so... But if you'll tell me what I can do to help you, I'll do my best."

Frey hummed, pondering the offer.

"I suppose not making me do anything at the country house could hel—"

"I knew it!" Marius shoved his shoulder, and Frey chuckled, if a little nervously as he feared the attempted humour had been too vague.

"I— I'm joking."

"You'll be doing all the work if you keep up this attitude." Marius huffed. "Better be ready to wake up four hours before you're used to."

Frey paled despite being fairly certain that too was a joke.

"Four?"

"No, of course not." Marius patted his shoulder with a wide grin. "It would be five, at least."