Judging by the sun tormenting Frey's eyes by being positioned right outside his window, it was already afternoon as he curled up further into his blanket and rolled over to face the wall.

He hadn't been out all day. He refused to answer anyone trying to talk to him or come inside, and he couldn't bring himself to take even one step out of his bed at the time.

Part of him was a mess of regrets and self loathing, in disbelief he'd just done something like that, while the other part kept assuring him that it had been the right thing to do. Despite how it made him feel.

The fact that he had to talk to Marius was a recurring thought, and he wrapped his arms tighter around himself while a low hum escaped through his nose.

A sudden click in his door made him flinch, and he rolled over just as Damien stepped into the room.

"But I locked it," Frey complained under his breath, so Damien held up his hand to present another key.

"I had to get the master key from Hauke." He put it back in his pocket with a sigh. "It's one thing for you to wake up late, but when you never answered at all I was getting worried. Figured I should make sure you're not dead."

Frey turned back towards the wall.

"Maybe I should be. Sure would make things easier."

"Don't talk like that."

Of course that suggestion would strike a nerve with Damien, but Frey couldn't care.

"I'm having a bad day." "Nothing that concerns you."

"It concerns me when you neglect your job," Damien said dryly. "Again."

Frey's stomach sank, and he chewed on his lower lip while staring at the wall. He had to see the others again. Had to discuss that infuriating overseas trade without losing his temper, because despite everything Frey still had to keep up his appearances around them. Just because Carrigan would stay quiet about Marius didn't mean Frey had any more foothold around the upper class than the day before.

A weak groan crawled out of his mouth at the thought of Carrigan. He would have to see him as well. The memories from their encounter were still fresh and Frey could still feel his hands where he had caressed him all night.

"At least give me a reason," Damien tried. "I can't cover for you like this anymore, and you know that."

Frey pinched his lips together. He didn't dare to talk. Somehow it felt like Damien would know as soon as he opened his mouth. As soon as Frey faced him properly. He'd be able to see through him, and what would he say? Strictly speaking, Carrigan had no obligation to stay quiet about what they'd done - only about why they'd done it. He held out hope that Marius would understand, but what would other people in his life think? Damien, Lucius, the other people of his social class? Hopefully it would at least be kept from the twins, but he wouldn't put it past Carrigan or anyone to keep quiet.

And if Mother finds out...

Another groan. Wasn't it rather when she'd find out? When everyone found out? Gossip was the mother tongue of the world he'd so coveted, and cruelty was the accent of his society.

"With some luck Mother kills him instead of me," he mumbled under his breath. "If not both."

"What?"

Frey sighed, gathering his nerves before replying.

"I... Messed up. I did something bad and I don't want to talk about it, but that's my reason."

Would it not be better to tell Damien though? He'd rather tell him himself than have him hear it from Carrigan personally, after all.

His eyes suddenly widened, and he sat up in bed.

Carrigan could tell people. He could tell anyone, which did not just include upper class people. It meant servants as well.

"Fuck," he hissed, ignoring Damien's questioning as he got out of bed, wincing as his stomach stung. He had to see Marius. It didn't matter how hard it would be, he would not let Carrigan be the one to tell him, and knowing the man he was already dying to.

If only he'd die for real.

He didn't look at the clothes on his chair. The ones Carrigan had torn off earlier. Clean or not they were besmirched beyond repair and he never wanted to see them again. He threw on the first presentable attire he could find before hurrying out of the room without answering any of Damien's multiple inquiries.

Anywhere he looked he was certain people were talking about him. The servants turned their eyes away as they usually did when he passed by. It had always been to avoid the risk of conflict before, but at the moment it felt like they'd just been gossiping about him. Perhaps someone had heard them. If that had been the case Damien would have known as well though, but it couldn't be helped. Frey's mind expected them to know, so as far as he was concerned, they did.

His pulse pounded in his ears as he crossed the garden. Carrigan couldn't have told him yet. He was busy with work at this time and did not prioritise looking smug at a stable boy.

Or so Frey tried to convince himself.

"Lord Clausson," the stable master greeted him with a nod as Frey entered the stables. His neutral expression was impressive, showing no hint of feelings or opinions from what he'd witnessed that night, regardless of what they were.

Frey only nodded back, having no desire to bring it up either. The stable master knew better than to mindlessly throw rumours like that around.

Unless Carrigan encouraged it, perhaps. Frey liked to think that despite his snarky attitude in the past the stable master still respected him enough to stay quiet, but if Carrigan insisted on being backed up by someone, would it matter?

The stable master's subtle stare still burned Frey's neck as the latter spotted Marius further away, but with a brief glance over his shoulder Frey made it very clear he'd do best in minding his own business.

"Mari—" Frey began, but his words choked as Marius looked up at him.

"Later morning than usual, huh?" Marius put on a strained smile, swollen eye twitching from the motion. "I was beginning to think you wouldn't show."

"What happened?" Frey's voice was lower than intended, for once finding it difficult to look away from someone's eyes as the swelling had almost forced Marius' right one shut. "That wasn't... He didn't hit you in the face back then."

"No, it happened after you ran off." Marius shrugged, as if the bitterness in his voice and the emphasis on 'ran off' weren't glaringly obvious. "Said I should have known better than to risk getting you in trouble like that."

Frey was too overwhelmed to be angry. His shallow breaths and incoherent thoughts were getting the best of him, and he struggled to form words.

"He hasn't told anyone though," Marius assured him with another empty smile. "Made up some excuse, telling others I've been slacking off and boy were they quick to treat me accordingly."

"But I..." Frey's limbs grew heavy, mind reeling as he processed Marius' appearance and words. Things had turned out bad anyway. Marius was being mistreated even though Frey had tried to fix everything.

"I understand though, Frey," Marius continued when Frey didn't finish his sentence. "Seeing your reaction... How you ran after Lord Carrigan and never came back... I get that you're having second thoughts about us again."

Frey couldn't utter a sound. He could barely breathe as it was. The only thing he could manage as a protest to what Marius was saying was a weak shake of his head.

"Frey, you're..." Marius' dour look finally softened, and a worried frown formed on his forehead. "... Are you feeling well? You're alarmingly pale, and are you even breathing right now?"

Frey wasn't sure. He didn't have the focus to care either. His chest was in a knot and he wanted nothing more than collapse where he stood, but he couldn't let that happen.

So he turned around, vision blacking out gradually as he more or less stumbled out of there. He had to make it back to his room. He was not allowed to shut down yet. Not while others could see him.

He was gasping for air by the time he reached the corridor leading to his room. With his goal in sight he dared to draw a couple of deeper breaths before moving forward.

Then a hand grabbed his arm.

"You're not looking too well," Carrigan said with a grin befitting their current dynamic, finding no difficulty in denying Frey's attempts to free himself. "Had trouble sleeping this morning?"

Frey kept pulling away without responding, longingly fixing his gaze at the door to his room before being pushed against the wall.

"Did you talk to your servant yet?" Carrigan leaned close to whisper into his ear. "Did you tell him about what we did? Or are you keeping it from him?"

Frey reluctantly shook his head. He didn't want anyone to be under the impression that he would lie to Marius, even if that person could use it to their advantage.

"So... You haven't had time to sneak off with him again, I assume?" Carrigan ran a hand through Frey's hair before grabbing it to pull his head back. "Which means he hasn't had the chance to taint you further."

It didn't matter what he said. Frey had no replies in store.

"Perhaps you'd like to come with me, then?" Carrigan moved the hand he'd used to grab Frey's arm to place it around his waist instead. "One last time before you throw the rest of your worth away?"

Frey clenched his fists. He couldn't let him win. He'd trained all his life to not let people talk down to him. To always have a response.

"One time," he mumbled, lungs immediately struggling to find air and his eyes turning anywhere but in his captor's direction. "We said one time."

"I just figured you would have changed your mind after how it felt." Carrigan let his touch slide further down. "You were quite transparent about it, after all."

Frey tried to breathe calmly. He just had to stay put until someone came to separate them. Damien's room was just next to his so it had to happen eventually.

"Lord Carrigan."

It was not the person Frey wanted to intervene.

"What are you doing inside the mansion, stable boy?" Carrigan sent Marius a disdainful glare, but the latter was not deterred.

"I suggest you let go of him." Marius' fists were clenched. "You're clearly making him uncomfortable."

"Oh, I doubt that." Carrigan stroked Frey's cheek. "I'm quite a pleasure to be around, aren't I, Frey?"

Frey's heart had all but given up. Its beats were quick and short, numbing his limbs and forcing him to choose between breathing or speaking, which wasn't much of a choice in the end.

"Frey, do you want him to touch you like that?" Marius wanted to know, and despite Frey's fading consciousness he managed a weak shake of his head.

"No."

It was no more than a whisper, but it was enough for Marius.

"You hear? So with all due respect, Lord—"

"You certainly didn't seem to mind last night." Carrigan ignored Marius to address Frey instead. "The way you moaned so loudly at the end, with your eyes rolling back and words failing you... Much like they seem to now."

There was nothing for Frey to do at that point. It was too late for him to tell Marius personally now. He still had to say something, he knew. Had to explain himself to Marius.

"So he doesn't know yet?" Carrigan feigned a surprised look despite an infinite amount of satisfaction in his eyes. "Or were you planning on not telling him after all?"

"Tell me what?" Marius' voice had grown tense, and though Frey couldn't look at him he doubted the implications had flown over his head.

"Well, might as well do it now." Carrigan grabbed Frey's chin to turn his head in Marius' direction, but Frey would not face him. His gaze was stubbornly fixed on the floor with no intention of moving. "Or would you like me to do it?"

Frey summoned the ability to shake his head once again, but his words were not interested in following through.

"Tell me what?" Marius repeated through gritted teeth, and Carrigan let out a sigh as if Frey was forcing his hand.

"Should I tell him? How you insisted on it yesterday? You had no qualms begging me to fuck you then, so this reluctant facade in front of that worm—"

Carrigan's words were cut off, with a sharp exhale being the only thing he could utter as Marius' fist struck his jaw.

"The fuck does it matter what he said back then?" Marius spat. "He's saying no now!"

Frey was almost snapped out of his paralyzation. He hadn't considered the possibility of Marius going after Carrigan. It was a bad idea. Such an incredibly bad idea that Frey forgot his own panic for a second to panic for Marius instead.

"You..." Carrigan growled as he turned back to glare at Marius, holding the injured side of his face with a grimace surely caused by the forceful impact of a manual labourer's strength. "... You repulsive excuse for a worm!"

Frey spent very little time on figuring out what to do next. Without a word he grabbed Marius to pull him that last distance into his room, slamming the door shut and twisting the key at an impressive speed before his thoughts could catch up to him again.

Nothing happened outside the room. No one was banging on the door. No one was yelling. It seemed whatever consequences they were facing, it would not happen immediately.

Yet it made the tension in the room so much worse.

"Why would you do that?" Marius' broken voice pierced through Frey's composure, forcing him to hold his breath. "You— I thought you hated him. With— With the way he's spoken to you... With all those threats to your town... What possessed you to ask for something like that?"

Frey nearly bit through his lower lip, every straining muscle locking up to keep him from bursting.

"Not because he saw us," Marius tried to insist with increasing despair. "You wouldn't go that far."

No response, but he pressed on.

"Tell me I'm wrong, Frey. Tell me you didn't—"

"I had to."

It was enough to drown the room in silence. Frey couldn't look up even if he'd wanted to, but he imagined Marius' expression was more crushing than anything he could conjure in his head.

"Or what?" A reply finally came, wrapped in a cold, excruciatingly derisive tone that Frey had never associated with him. "He'd tell people about us? Is that it?"

"It's not just—"

"You know what? I was stupid to think you'd change." Marius wouldn't listen. "That you would choose me before them... But even after everything they've done to you, you'd still throw away your pride for their slightest approval. So maybe you're beyond repair after all."

"My... It's my family—"

"I know! For the hundredth time, I know you're thinking about your family!" Marius' voice cracked. "And I'm sorry you rich people have it so fucking hard trying to figure out whether low class worms are worth interacting with or not. I'm sorry you'd rather lose all your self-respect in favour of not being seen with one."

"No, I— You..." Frey tried to form words, but he was growing dizzy as his body kept failing him. He couldn't handle Marius' raised voice. It felt like his ears were about to burst. "He— He was threatening you as well."

Marius let out a sharp, empty laugh.

"That is not why you did it. You should know me better than think I'd want this for any reason— for any threat he could throw my way, or you could at least have talked to me about it, but no. You ran after him. You didn't even hesitate. You had to make sure he wouldn't tell anyone because if he did, your reputation would be screwed."

"I— I had to," Frey said again, increasingly desperate to defend his stance no matter how much he was beginning to doubt himself. "For— For my town... For us..."

"I'm not even a part of this," Marius hissed. "This is about you and your disgusting social hangups. Don't pretend this had anything to do with us being together or not. You've had that choice all along. You could have left all that misery with your dignity still intact, but no. Nothing matters more to you than that conditional tolerance from people who couldn't care less about you, and now you've sealed your fate. How do you expect them to treat you now? Now that they know what you'll do just to be around them. They'll take your submission and lack of boundaries for granted, and you're fine with that?"

No words, but he still got his response as Frey tensed up further, and he drew a shaky breath.

"Just how little do you think you're worth, Frey?"

And so, the mask cracked. A broken sob burst through as Frey couldn't hold back any longer, and his face scrunched up into the agonised grimace his emotions had called for all along. His knees finally gave in and he stumbled back against his wardrobe before sinking to the floor. Cold sweat burned his skin and his dry mouth made swallowing impossible. The only thing his body allowed him to do was curl up, arms wrapped tight around his knees while pressing his forehead against them.

He was losing control, the way he'd never let people see. Tears spilled down his cheeks and he tried burying his eyes into his knees to keep them away.

"Why are you crying?" Marius hadn't moved from his spot. "If it was such a good decision then there's no reason to cry, is there?"

Frey opened his mouth to respond, but all that came out was a whimper before he had to gasp for air. His hands began flicking and despite his best efforts they wouldn't stop. He needed to stop. Marius couldn't see him like that.

Did it matter? Things were going back to how they were before. Frey would cling to his old life, and servants would keep hating him. All servants. Marius wouldn't want anything to do with him, if he even got to keep his job after what he did to Carrigan.

Another sob, and Frey's hands found their way to his head.

Not now.

Not when Marius was looking.

Then he struck down against his head. Again and again, hitting himself repeatedly to calm down. It had worked before, at least sometimes, but apparently it wasn't enough in his current state so his mind ventured to the last resort.

"Frey—" Marius finally began, but quickly interrupted himself as Frey slammed his head hard against the wardrobe.

It had to end eventually, Frey hoped as he threw his head back again to collide with the wooden frame, closing his eyes in resignation while his breathing grew even more irregular.

"Frey!" Marius had left his spot at last to grab Frey's shoulders, trying to hold him still, but Frey quickly shoved him away. "Frey, stop it!"

Frey couldn't be touched. No one was allowed near him, nor were they allowed to stop him. He had to keep going. His head sent out cries for help to the rest of his body for every pang against the surface behind him, but no help came. Frey's mind had no interest in preventing the damage. Perhaps because his head was ruined anyway. What was one more injury? One more concussion? Did it matter what happened to him? He was losing everything, regardless of what he tried.

"Frey, I'm— I didn't..." Marius tried reaching out to him again but Frey slapped his hand away with a pained groan.

There was a loud knock on the door, and Damien's voice demanded to be let in. Marius let a moment of hesitation pass, possibly looking to Frey for any indication whether he should open the door or not, but he eventually rose from the floor.

Frey didn't listen to whatever they said to each other after Damien had entered. He didn't acknowledge Damien's presence in the room further than that at all. He kept replaying Marius' words in his head, and Carrigan's. All that talk about worth. Perhaps he really didn't have any. He'd barely been hanging on as far as Carrigan and his peers were concerned, and Frey doubted Marius found him worth the trouble anymore. He'd screwed up everything and was losing both sides despite his sacrifices.

Because they didn't mean anything. Nothing he did meant anything, because he didn't mean anything.

He'd gone back to punching his head again as a blanket was placed around his shoulders, and he made an effort to calm down, keeping a steady rhythm of the hitting but still slower and less intense in force.

The room had gone quiet. His thoughts gained a little more stability and he dared to give the room a quick glance while pulling the blanket closer to his body with one hand.

"... Where is he?" His voice was barely audible as he addressed the only person still in the room with him.

"I sent him home." Damien had pulled up a chair to sit far away enough to give Frey his space while still providing the support of being present. "Felt like we needed to talk alone... Also, I couldn't let him stay here. He might not be able to return either. At least not for a long time."

Frey squeezed his eyes shut before curling up again, and though he'd been able to stop his hands from hitting, they'd turned to tug at his hair instead, mind-numbing pain barely noticeable that way.

"So he's in trouble anyway," he mumbled into his knees. "Doesn't matter what I do."

"Care to explain just what it is you've done? What you've been doing?" Damien's tone was less accusatory than his words suggested, but Frey dreaded the questions nonetheless. "All Carrigan and Marius have told me so far is about the punch. They both said it was up to you whether or not to tell the rest.

Frey did not believe for a second Carrigan would give that opportunity out of kindness. He wanted Frey to tell Damien personally, with all the humiliation it entailed.

Just get it over with, he tried to convince himself, still pulling his hair while trying to take some calming breaths. He didn't want to though. Damien would never look at him the same again. No one would. Instead of the successful businessman he'd always been, they'd see a pathetic, disgraceful nothing who had to bow before others just to keep his place among them.

But Damien needed to understand. Frey had to defend Marius' actions, which meant telling him what Carrigan had done. What he and Frey had done.

"I slept with him," he whispered, jaw clenching just enough to keep his lips from trembling.

"Marius?" Damien didn't sound too surprised, but it made the fact that Frey had to correct him worse.

"... Carrigan."

An appropriate moment of surprised silence ensued, allowing Frey some time to focus on breathing again. His grip around his hair loosened, and he mostly held on just to have control over something. To give his hands something to do instead of shaking or flapping.

"I... Don't understand?" Damien began, sounding about as confused as Frey had expected him to. "I thought you weren't interested. I know you had your... Encounters with him and some others late at night on occasion but had made it clear that there would be, well... None of that."

"But then I met Marius..." Frey looked up slightly, realising how contradictory his words would sound. "... And I... Started caring."

He could see Damien nodding from the corner of his eye, seemingly less surprised by that revelation.

"And I started liking him," Frey clarified, as if he'd been too vague.

"I'm not an idiot, Frey." Damien had the audacity to sound slightly amused, which resulted in a withering stare from Frey. "Not that I had all the details, but I've known you long enough to see it."

"Well... Unfortunately Carrigan is not an idiot either." Frey's gaze lowered to his quivering knees again. "And he was going to tell people, and I... With everything happening between West and South Kerilia, and— and he threatened Marius... So at the time I— I thought I didn't have any other options, and then he told him, and he was touching me and I tried to stop him and Marius..."

He let go of his hair, balling his fist to bump it softly against his cheek and Damien sighed through his nose, seemingly getting the gist of it.

"I see." He leaned forward in his chair to seek eye contact with Frey again, which he did not receive. "In light of that, I suppose I can understand Marius' actions better..."

Frey did not respond, waiting for the 'but'.

"... But I can't defend what he did, regardless of that."

"So... He can't come back?" Tears stung Frey's eyes again. Not in the company of increasing panic but rather a sense of hopelessness.

"Carrigan will not keep quiet about it, and you understand the others will find it unacceptable if I still employ the servant who assaulted him." Damien continued before Frey could open his mouth to protest. "Despite his reasons."

"I should have known it would blow up in my face in the end," Frey mumbled. "I... Guess I did know, but I ignored it. Tried to live in denial that I could keep my old life while... Still being with him."

"Do you love him?"

Frey tensed up, utterly blindsided by the question and staring forward without the ability to reply.

"What would you do in my position?" he asked instead. "Let go of all this? Of my work, of my chance to save West Kerilia, of the reputation I've spent my whole life building? Or lose Marius? In case I haven't already managed that."

Damien's prolonged silence was unexpected. Frey would not have guessed it was a question he'd struggle with, but in a way he was grateful that he did. It meant his worries were not completely unwarranted.

"I honestly don't know," Damien finally said through another sigh. "As much as I wish there was an easy solution, I can't think of one. But it does lead me back to the question you so non-smoothly ignored just now. Are you certain enough of your feelings to even be able to choose?"

Frey glanced in his direction.

"What do you mean?"

"Suppose you didn't have this life." Damien gestured around. "That you were unbothered by your surroundings and no one cared where you found happiness... Would you be with him?"

Frey knitted his eyebrows, trying to imagine the scenario, but ultimately failing.

"There's always been something, of course." He shrugged. "I've always had to hide it, and adjust our time together on my terms. I've never been able to think of it in a way where we could just be... Us."

"Perhaps that's what you need, then," Damien suggested. "Give your relationship a chance outside of all this. Try to forget about your life here, and your work— Dinthia knows you don't do it anyway— and see what it would be like when you're free from society's eyes."

Frey blinked, mind in too much of a mess to follow.

"Like... Go stay with him?" He unthinkingly wrinkled his nose, but Damien shook his head.

"Not good enough. You'd still be in South Kerilia."

Frey furrowed his brow further. Where would they go? West Kerilia? It seemed risky to stay with his mother and sisters though, should they snoop further into Marius' origins.

"... The country house," he then said, recalling what his mother had said. They'd let him inherit the house outside of West Kerilia. It was relatively isolated, far away from rich people's eyes, and he could leave at a moment's notice.

"They gave you the country house?" Damien held his hands out. "Well isn't that perfect, then?"

It seemed too good to be true, and one issue remained, so Frey sent Damien a burning glare.

"Except I'd be leaving West Kerilia at the mercy of you people."

At least Damien had manners enough to look uncomfortable.

"I'll... Try to stall," he offered, scratching his head. "I can't stop it from happening and it would only be temporary, but I could find a way to delay it."

Frey had his doubts. He could trust Damien when it came to personal matters but business-wise, he had no more faith in him than anyone else.

"You'd better" He scowled, but a hint of grief made it through to his voice. "Even you should not want a repeat of what happened to my father."

"Of course n—"

"And if you fail to keep your promise, I'll tell Lucius to make your life miserable."

"That's not a threat because he does that happily and unprompted every day."

"But I'm certain he could do worse."

"I'll try." Damien could still only promise so much. "And I'll talk to your mother and sisters to see what can be done from their side."

Frey drew a deep breath, at last feeling his thoughts falling into a decent place again.

"... This is all assuming he'd want to come with me though." He began slowly rocking back and forth, knees still pressed against his chest and he pulled the blanket closer again. "If he wants anything to do with me at all anymore."

Damien arched an eyebrow while tilting his head.

"Even if you actually believed he doesn't, you still need to talk to him. You can't just leave things as they are."

"What if..." Frey stuck his hands out from the blanket, showing how they were still shaking. "... That happens again? I don't want him to see me like that."

"If you two are going to last, he will," Damien declared with a shrug. "It happens from time to time and we both know that won't ever change, so if you live together— or just spend a lot of time together... He'll see it, and he will learn how to handle it, and how to help you through it."

"Or it will scare him away..." Frey buried his hands into the blanket again. "... He'll see me screaming— hurting myself, and... And being unable to explain it, and he'll leave me."

"You're always overthinking—"

"No, I'm not," Frey snapped, increasingly reminded of what Marius being that close to him entailed. "No one wants to see any of it. I— I learned how to hide it from people and they stopped worrying about that part of me, but if he's always going to be around..."

His hands twitched again, and he balled his fists to make it stop.

"Perhaps it was a little unnerving for him to see it just now because it was the first time," Damien tried to comfort him. "But if you explain it to him, he'll understand."

Frey clenched his jaw again, but he tried to listen. Marius was not one to shy away. He'd dealt with Frey's deplorable attitude before and that was arguably worse, so perhaps Damien was right. Perhaps he'd understand.

"I will tell the others you're going on a business trip." Damien stood up from the chair, apparently deeming Frey stable enough to be left alone. "So make the arrangements and pack your things."

He looked over his shoulder before heading out the door.

"But first of all, talk to him."

As if that wasn't the most difficult part of it all.