Ellis

For the millionth time I look at the message, hoping like the fool I am, that I have read it incorrectly or made a mistake. I want it to say he had a girlfriend or I am his girlfriend. But when I click open the literal worst message I have ever received, it still says he has a girlfriend.

And it's not me.

Fuck. Me.

Bayne has an actual, in the present tense, girlfriend.

I know nothing more, but that is enough to make me physically wretch over and over and have nothing but guilt and regret and a fuck load of embarrassment spew forth from last night.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I don't even think I was able to close my eyes last night for more than twenty seconds at a time without wanting to crawl out of my skin with guilt. And the crazy thing is? I haven't actually done anything wrong on purpose.

I didn't know there was another girl involved. I didn't set out to hurt anyone. But I can't help feeling as though I have. I have wronged this girl. And I have wronged myself. I let the pom poms drop big time.

I haven't moved from the position I'm stuck in since I got home yesterday. I have been sitting in the same place, stewing in the same clothes, going over and over the same horror filled message.

Bayne has an actual, in the flesh girlfriend. And it's not me. We slept together. I lost my virginity. But he is in a relationship. With someone else.

What an ass. What an actual fact dirty ass of a guy.

No wonder the girls around here hate him.

This is the thing isn't it? What they were all silently warning me about, without actually telling me. The mocking tone my subconscious takes on kicks my brain around inside my head, using the hurt to fuel the guilt I feel. I thought he was a player. A seasoned professional in picking up girls, for sure. But I never thought he was this low. Is this what he does? Cheats on her like this? How often? Am I one of many suckers taken in by the whole show?

What a dog.
And how much of a cliche idiot am I?

That poor girl. I wonder if she is here? Surely not. She would know right? It's too small a place not to.

And then suddenly realisation hits me and the urge to throw up gets stronger with each revelation.

The apartment. The pictures. The girl at the cafe.

That was her. Of course she doesn't go here. She just visits and picks up her relationship where she left it, none the wiser when she visits, not knowing what he is up to when she is gone. He plays the dutiful, loving boyfriend and then she is gone and he turns fuck boy all over again.

The tears stream down my face, out of my control now, pooling in my lap along with what's left of my dignity.

The hurt I feel is indescribable but the embarrassment is worse. I fell for his charm. The act. The smile. The whole thing. I can see it all now. It's practised. Finessed. I bet he even has a type he goes for.

Stupid. Easy. Idiot freshman like me.

The wretching returns but this time my stomach contents threaten to follow and I lurch myself towards the bathroom just in time to let it out into the toilet bowl.

I hear a knock at the dorm door but I ignore it, sinking to the bathroom floor to wallow some more instead.

The knocking turns to pounding and then I hear a familiar high pitch voice calling my name;

"Ellis? Can you let me in? It's Candice."

She pauses, waiting for my response presumably but I have nothing left to give. I'm an empty shell of the person I was just yesterday. What a change a day can bring. Or in my case, a night.

A small silence follows and I sigh, surprised and relieved that she has given up so quickly.
That is until I hear keys turning in the lock and now two low voices are whispering as they enter the dorm room.

"Ellis? Honey?" It's Lexi's concerned voice I hear as they come closer to the bathroom.

Lexi and Candice appear around the edges of the bathroom door like two sad little puppets as I lift only my eyes from the floor. The matching dread and sympathy on their faces tells me one thing;

"Jax told you."

Lexi nods but remains in the door way as Candice comes to kneel beside me.

"That little surfer dick. I'm going to kick his ass when I see him next." She says lowly, stroking my sticky hair back from my face and wiping the tears that keep pouring forth, if only they didn't feel dirty, the amount I'm omitting could actually wash me down the drain with my self pity.

"It's my fault." I whimper, earning audible gasps from both girls.

"What the fuck? No it isn't." Candice says at the same time Lexi says;

"It's mine."

Candice and I both stare at Lexi as she comes to sit on the floor beside us.

"Lex this isn't your fault." Candice says flatly, rubbing small circles on my back with her delicate fingers.

"Yes, it is. I knew about his girlfriend and I didn't say anything. I'm so sorry Ellis."
I feel Lexi place her hand on the middle of my back and the shudder from my silent tears makes her hold firmer and she leans down to my ear.

"I should have told you when I noticed you getting closer. I just didn't think he would do this and it wasn't my place to tell, you know? He isn't a bad guy really. I think he just misses her when she is gone, and I think, maybe, he liked you." She says, stuttering a little and I hear Candice make a growl sound deep from her throat.

"What? Your kidding me right? He is obviously a cheating jerk- wad, and does this kind of shit all the time." She almost yells as the circles she is tracing on my back begin to feel like she is using her knees, rather than her finger tips.

"Ah, Candice?" I ask her softly.

"Yeah hun?" She says, close to my ear.

"You are kind of hurting me." I let out a small laugh and try to sit up as she immediately stops her assault on my back and helps me upright.

I look at Lexi who has guilt written all over her face and take her hand in mine.

"Lexi, this isn't your fault. And it isn't mine. It's his. He made a bad choice. And maybe I did too, for jumping in so fast but I didn't know about his....her..." I whisper the last part and a small hiccup noise follows my last word.

The two girls just sit with me silently as we all think about the events that have unfolded. None of us saw this coming, even if Lexi knew about Bayne having a current relationship , even she didn't know I was going to sleep with him. And she is right, it wasn't her place to tell me. It was his.

"I guess this is one of those live and learn things." Candice says and then quickly adds;

"And he is going to live with my hatred and learn to live without his balls." She makes a punching motion with her hands and Lexi laughs quietly while I just smile and nod.

"Ok then." I say and start to push myself to stand.

"How about you have a shower and freshen up and I'll go find us some delicious greasy takeaway and some violent Netflix to binge, feel like popcorn?" Candice rambles as she pulls me to my feet and ushers me towards the shower.

"Sounds great." I smile sadly as they both start fussing about and grabbing me some clothes and a clean towel.

"Am I an idiot guys?" I ask and they freeze, Lexi comes to place her arm around my shoulders and Candice just shakes her head.

"Not at all. He had me fooled too. I was positive he really liked you." Candice says angrily and for the first time I see another emotion cross her face, guilt.

"I think he does Ellis." Lexi offers as she puts the towel down she rings her hands, as if she is contemplating what to say next, or how to say it.

"It's not the first time I have seen him cheat on Cara, but it is the first time I have seen him spend more than one single night with the girl." She says and I don't miss the name. Cara. I officially feel worse.

She is real.

"She only transferred last year and it has been hard on them I guess. She is a nice girl. Very career focused and I think he feels, at least in my opinion, that she chose her sport over him." Lexi says, barely making eye contact with me.

"You know her don't you." I question, meeting her eyes and seeing only fear in return.

"Yes." She says, a tear slipping down her cheek.

"Why didn't you warn her?" It's Candice that asks, looking at me. Its my silent question too.

"Because he asked me not to." Lexi whispers and starts to blubber as she makes her way from the bathroom and sits on my bed.

"Why?" Candice and I ask in unison.

"Because he said it would make you uncomfortable hanging out with him. He promised me you were just platonic and that he would tell you about Cara when it was appropriate." She blurts our but i can see she feels bad about it.

"I should have said something but he kept saying he would. I'm so sorry Ellis. I feel like shit. For you and Cara." She grabs a tissue and wipes her eyes and nose and though I feel a slight anger towards her I can't help but feel upset for her too.

He let us both down. And he put her in a shit position.

"It wasn't you secret to tell." I say, hugging her from the side as I sit down next to her on my bed, tucking my feet under my legs.

"The fuck it wasn't! What about girl code?" Candice all but yells at Lexi accusingly as I shoot her a quick not-now look.

"I know. I screwed up. I hated being in the middle. I should have just told you and dealt with his shit later. I feel awful Ellis. I always feel shit when he cheats on her and this time was the worst." Lexi turns to me, pleading with me.

"Please. I feel so bad. Especially because I let it get so far." She starts to sob again and I pull her in for a hug. Over her head I see Candice pulling her finger across her neck but I don't know if she means it for Lexi or Bayne or both.

"It's ok. But Lexi? In future, tell me the bad thing straight up ok? I can take it. I just can't take this." I tell her, motioning between us, the tension lowering slightly. She nods. I can't berate her anymore. She already feels bad about it.

"And lex? What about Cara?" I add, her name is bitter on my tongue even if she is another innocent party in all of this.

"That's not for me to tell either." She says flatly and this time, I agree. Hearing your boyfriend is cheating on you should come from one place only. Him.

We all nod collectively and I stand up again, heading for the shower. I don't think there is water warm enough to wash all this dirt from my soul.

As I undress slowly I try hard not to think about last night and him. And Lexi. And all of us. It felt so fucking good last night, but as it turns out, it was all a charade.

The water is turned up to steam mode and I just stand under the seeping heat, hoping to scorch away the scent of him on my skin.

In the background I hear someone knock at the dorm door, pizza delivery I assume. Until I hear Candice's voice hitting high notes only Celine Dion can dream of and turn off the water to get a better idea of who it is she is yelling at.

Though I don't have to think too hard.
There is only one person who can make her reach fever pitch that fast right now.

Bayne.

Fuck no. Not now. Not at this moment. I'm only just getting my shit back together.

Candice is still yelling as Lexi comes to the bathroom door and speaks through the frame where I assume she can see my forlorn leaning shadow.

"Do you want to see him right now?" She asks.

I tip my dripping head against the door, trying to steady my breath as I listen to Candice unloading on him.

"You are a fucking low life you know that?" She yells. I can imagine her dainty face in all the shades of red, standing in his face and unleashing all her obscenities.

"No I don't Lex, get rid of him." I say through the door and she just taps it in return.

"She doesn't want to see you Bayne. Just leave ok? You have done enough." Her words are enough to cause the yelling to stop at least. I hear his muffled voice once more, unclear, before the door shuts again and the girls both come over to the bathroom door, their feet two shadowed pairs on the other side.

I crack the door open and they both look at me with questions and concern all over their faces.

"What did he say?" I say, looking at Lexi as she shares a quick glance with Candice before looking back at me.

"He said he was sorry. And that it meant something. It meant more than you think." She says, her brows knitting together.

She puts her hand on my shoulder and gives a little squeeze.

"What the fuck does that mean?" I ask them both.

"I'm not sure." Lexi says, shrugging her shoulders and looking at Candice who is wearing a scowl.

"It means nothing. Once a fuck boy, always a fuck boy." She says and starts to flick through the Netflix screen with a heavy hand on the remote.

Lexi pulls us both over to my bed and sits down next to me as she eyes Candice wearily.

"It means, tonight, just try to forget about it. But maybe, tomorrow, you should talk with him." She nods and gives me a small sad smile as she goes to pick a movie with Candice and finalise the food order.

I sit mulling over what she just said. Just forget about it. Forget about our night together. And Cara. And Bayne.

Bayne.

Yeah right.