I have seen Bayne every night for a two entire weeks. My life literally consists of class, dance and then my extra curricular activities at night. My lady parts are bloody falling apart but I can't even begin to know how to stop! I know it's stupid. I know he has a girlfriend.
I know I am heading for an extreme crash.

But I can't stop. I don't want to stop. It's like, if we don't speak of her then she doesn't exist. When it's just the two of us, she doesn't. And as crazy as that sounds, it's ok in those moments.

But only in those moments.

When I'm alone in my room like now and my mind starts to wonder what is he doing and with who, it's there that the worry starts to seep in. The uncertainty of what we are is the silent killer in my head, standing hand in hand with my conscience, both shaking their head and wagging their fingers in disgust.

I know he feels this too. In the quiet moments together, when I feel the unasked question bubbling to the surface, I can see it on his face. The choice. Or worse yet, the decision. Maybe there actually isn't one for him. And let's face it, if it was me, maybe he would have done something by now.

A sickly feeling washes over me every time this thought creeps in. I know it's something I will need to come to terms with at some point.

But not today. Not now. I can't. I'll shove it down like I do with every decent part of me. Im the literal worst person ever now. And I know it.

I do what every other idiotic girl living in a fantasy does; I push it deep down into my deal with it later issues and get dressed to go for a drink with Candice and some of the girls from the team.

Only Candice and Lexi and of course Jax know about Bayne and I. It's better this way he said. I won't lie and say that him saying that didn't crush me. As he explained it, it's more to protect me than him but when I said this to Candice she made a disgusted sound in the back of her throat that pretty much summed up how she really felt. And I agree. I know this secret girlfriend shit isn't right or respectful but I do it anyway. Because I want him, as stupid as that is.

We both know it's to save his ass. And to allow him to keep getting some of mine. Without the added risk of getting caught. But fuck if it isn't fun. Maybe more fun this way.

The fact that this is bullshit isn't lost on me. But in some sort of sick and twisted way, the secrecy of it thrills me in a way that I can't give up right now. The sneaky touches, the stolen moments between us, under everyone's noses, it's hot. It's wrong. It's fucking sexy.

Candice and Lexi have made it clear that it's my choice alone to deal this now and the eventual fallout  that will come from it, but I know they will both be there for it all. Even if they say they won't.

Jax and I don't talk about it. When we run together or work out together, we steer clear of anything to do with Bayne and I and discuss only his new fledgling relationship with a nice girl called Ren, or the band. Anything other than the thing that risks his friendship with both of us and I don't want that.

Jax is sweet and kind and feels like he has worked his way up to bestie status. I can't lose him. Even if I know he thinks of me a little more than I think of him. Part of me likes that too.

The sick part of me. She likes a lot of stupid things lately.

I don't know who I am anymore.

My phone dinging next to me shakes me from my downward spiral and tells me I have about thirty seconds until Candice waltzes in and attacks me for what I'm wearing.

I feel like my light skinny's and deep green cami are acceptable but I know she will hate the tan flats that I have on with them and will mock my messy loose attempt at curls.

I splash on a little more bronzer and mascara as an attempt to keep up the pretence that I'm trying to impress other guys. But i couldn't care less what anyone else thinks. It's all for him.

I just want to go out and meet our friends, blow off some steam and pretend I'm not an actual real life home wrecker.

I'm about to sink into a small depressed state when my door swings open without a warning knock and the mascara grasped in my fingers almost pokes me in the eye.

"Jeezus Candice do you want to send a girl blind? What kind of impression would I make at our game tomorrow with an eye patch on?" I say, putting away the offending tube safely to avoid further injury.

"Sexy pirate cheerleader sounds hot to me." She says with a quick wink and I just shake my head. I have no doubt at all that she could rock the shit out of an eye patch and still look like a million bucks.

She gestures to her barely- there outfit and my eyes go wide.

"Ah, Candice, did you get mugged on your way down the hall? Someone stole the rest of your outfit." I say, pretending to cover my eyes.

"Shut up you little prude." She says, completing a turn so I can see just how naked she almost is.

Her long lean legs are on show tonight, her tiny shorts making another appearance but this time she has teamed them with a completely backless black top that has way too much side boob action for my taste.

"And who are you targeting tonight dressed like this?" I say, knowing that there is always a plan in that pretty little blonde head of hers.

Her eyes narrow and she looks me up and down, shaking her head but ushering me to the door anyway. She knows I will take too long change to meet her standards I can tell she wants to get out.

"That little bitch Larry has been causing a scene in class, bagging me and others on the team, saying we are just here to decorate the field and the guys rooms and nothing more." I can hear the anger in her rant but also something else.... fear?

"You don't actually think anyone gives a shit what she says do you?" I pause at the door, putting my hand on her shoulder and looking at her beautiful face. She is deeper than anyone believes at first glance. And she has a delicate heart of gold that gets hurt by this kind of thing.

"Candice, you are the sweetest, funniest most caring person on this whole damn campus. Not to mention stupidly hot. You know who you are and why you are here, why do you let people treat you as any less?" I say, guiding her out the door and locking it behind me.

She nods slowly, a small smile on her face and she drapes a long lace kimono over her shoulders and ties it off at the waist.

"You know, I could say the same to you." She says as we step in to the lift and I don't miss the subtle smirk on her face.

"I know." I reply, not looking at her but taking her hand in mine as we go down.

I know.

~~~~~~

As we enter the campus bar twenty minutes later, we scan the busy room for any of our team members and spot them lounging in a corner at the back. As we make our way through, I pretend to miss the slurs and looks we get as we mingle into the crowd and edge our way closer to the group.

It's a second skin we need to build up fast in this industry. Girls are most commonly mean to girls they envy. We are called more derogatory names by girls far more often than we are by the guys. Where is the camaraderie ladies?

It's every bitch for themselves it seems. And man do we protect each other fiercely. It comes with the Pom poms.

As we finally get to the edge of the crowd, we are greeted with a tray of small pink shots and a smiling Lexi.

"Courtesy of the bar folk." She says, handing us one each and clinking hers with ours as we drink.
She leans into my ear and whispers as she does;

"In the corner by the bar." She tilts her head as she moves away from me.

I turn slowly and squint my eyes, searching for the pair that do me over every time I lock with them.

I see him casually sitting with his team, one leg slung over the couch and one resting on the floor, he leans in and says something to Jax sitting next to him.

I watch him for a while, taking in the attention he gets without even trying. The allure he has is evident. His laugh is intoxicating, even from here and I find myself wanting to naturally be closer, wanting to know what he is laughing about.

Girls mill about, walking by, touching him lightly, trying to gain his attention. He doesn't pay them any. It makes me feel warm in the inside.

Jax whispers something in his ear and I see Bayne lift his head, his eyes grazing the dance floor, searching, until he finds my eyes across the darkened space and smiles.

That smile is just for me. Right now. Here in this room and it makes my attention seek heat in places that I want his hands. Or his face.

I smile back and watch as he takes his phone out of his pocket and waves it at me.
I nod in return and turn back to my group.

I feel my phone vibrate and I smile to myself as I pull it out of my purse.

Bayne
You look incredible.

My smile grows and covers my entire face. I stay facing away from him and type a quick reply, earning a frown from Candice who pretends she isn't watching the interaction from where she sits perched on the laps of two guys from our team.

Ellis
Shall I show you how incredible I look under these clothes?

The small dots appear fast and my body tingles with anticipation over just what his words alone do to me.

Bayne
Damn... wish I could kiss you right here.

Ellis
Then do it...

The dots don't appear this time and I wait, a small
Sick feeling pulling me apart on the inside. I have said the thing I'm not supposed to. I turn slowly, searching for his face and find he has moved slightly. He stands now in the corner of the bar, he waits for my eyes to meet his and nods me over to him.

I turn to check on Candice but she is busy, deep into a very interactive story complete with hand actions and facial expressions, so I leave her to it and work my way over to him.

"Ellis, you know I would if I could, no one here has anything on you. I would rather be anywhere else with only you." He says close to my ear, running circles on my hand with his fingers under the bar, ever cautious of curious eyes.

Cara has friends here. I'm all too aware of them.

"I know." I say, taking my hand back and placing it on the safety of the bar.

"Ellis, don't be like that. Go have fun with your friends and we can have our fun later, ok? Jax is staying at Ren's tonight so meet you at my room? Send me a message when you are on your way." He says, lightly brushing my hair from my face and trailing his fingers quickly down my shoulder before he places a quick kiss there.

And then he stands. I nod slowly and offer him a small smile. He moves off back to his friends and I just stay sitting, cursing my body for giving me away. He knows the hold he has on me.

I wish he didn't and I love that he does. Ah. Shit.

The night flies by in a flurry of dancing and drinks and I actually love it. Surrounded by my safe bubble of my teammates, we dance like we don't care what anyone else thinks. Because we don't, when we are together we are untouchable.

As Candice attaches her self to an unsuspecting Hockey player, I wave them off and make my way back to the dorms with Lexi.

She nods at me as I remain in the lift to go up to Bayne's room, smiling at me knowingly but without judgement. She made her opinion clear early on. If I'm happy, she is happy for me.

As the elevator dings I step out and realise I hadn't sent a message to Bayne to let him know I was on my way, but I had seen him leave an hour ago so I assume he will be here waiting. I should check my
Phone but I'm already here.

I make my way down to his room and shake off my nerves. I know when it's just us, everything else falls away and I just wrap myself up in the bliss of the moment.

That's enough, or so I keep telling myself. I really need to find some fucking chill.

I raise my hand tentatively and knock, suddenly feeling a little apprehensive about this, though I have done it plenty of times.

This time however, when the door swings open I don't see Bayne's half naked body in all it's glory as I'm used to. I don't see Jax either. I see a pretty face, under slicked back blonde hair. I see a toned and very obviously fit body clad only in a sports bra and tiny shorts.

And most importantly, I see a confused pair of deep brown eyes looking at me, seemingly perplexed as to why I'm knocking on her boyfriends dorm room and this time of the night.

Her look turns light as realisation hits her and she offers me a smile. The freckles on her face reach her nose as it crinkles.

She seems sweet. And she is beautiful. In real life.

Fuck.

"You must be Ren, I have heard all about you." She says, reaching her hand out to me.

I don't even realise as she takes my hand in hers and shakes it softly, a small frown etched over her face as she waits for my response and drops my hand. I pull it back and bring it up to my chest, trying desperately to rid myself of the feeling of her hand on mine. It's not the only thing if hers I have had on me.

"I'm...im..." Is all I can stutter out as she watches me flailing as I hear another voice from inside the room.

"Who is it Cara?" I hear him say in a worried tone and I can't seem to make myself move away fast enough before he comes to stand next to her at the door.

"I don't know, she hasn't answered yet. I assume Ren?" She says, concern on her face and absolute fear on his.

"Ellis." He finally says, swallowing hard and looking anywhere but at my face.

I suck in a burst of the suddenly cool air and try to salvage any self dignity I have left.

"I'm sorry to knock so late, I was after Jax. It's nice to meet you, Cara." I say and I turn and all but sprint down the hall as I hear her mumble something and shut the door.

I make it back to the lift in time to completely fall apart as the doors close. I manage to fumble around to hit the second floor button as I feel the sick feeling overwhelm me.

I stumble out and down the hall to my room, falling onto the closed door and praying Lexi is awake so she can let me in. I can't get my shit together enough to find my key.

She opens the door and her face goes white at my appearance. I must look like I have seen a ghost but I haven't. She was real. Very real and the absurd notion of me thinking he would ever choose me over her makes me feel like and absolute idiot.

She pulls me in and directs me to sit on my bed, taking my bag from me even as we both notice the insistent beeping coming from my phone within. We both ignore it for now though I feel like my ignorance of the situation is what got me here in the first place.

"Ellis? What happened honey." She says, sitting next to me and placing her arm around me protectively but I suspect she knows the truth already. She just wants to hear it from me.

I can't seem to get anything out but she doesn't rush me, she sits calmly, rubbing small circles on my shoulder with her fingers.

Finally I look at her and through a curtain of tears I say one thing:

"Cara."