Last night hanging with the girls was better than I expected. We ate, we laughed at crap rom com movies that we have seen and laughed at before, but somehow, together we laughed that bit harder. I felt like the old me a little; in the minuscule happy spaces in between the sad thoughts that kept creeping in and eating a sizeable hole inside me.

Last night it had come to me that I don't feel upset over the guilt of being with him. No. I wasn't aware of his relationship. That's not on me. That's all him.

No. What I'm actually sick over is the still ever present urge to want to see him. Kiss him. Maybe still even be with him. It's the attraction. Even knowing about Cara. I still want him. Entertaining the idiotic and naive idea adopted by all moronic mistresses world wide; maybe he would choose me?

What a fucking tool I am. A bloody moron.

That train of thought alone makes me feel ill and about as low as a fucking gal can feel. Thank god we have training to throw ourselves into today or I would have a serious risk of getting myself into something much more tangled than this web of shit already is.

I have been up and ready to leave for hours, but as I wait now for Candice outside the cafe, I feel the teasing tingles of possibility sinking through my skin like poison rain. Tiny little prickles of anticipation and even hope, that maybe I will see him.

Sick. I'm such a sick sucker and I hate it. I swear I have more balls than this but I can't seem to find them. They must be tucked up stairs in the draw with my phone, the idea of retrieving and using both scare me on equal measure.

As the elevator dings, my head pops up and I immediately release a breath as I see the golden hair of Candice's perfect pony tail swinging towards me. Her poms in hand and her bag on her back, she is the perfect sunshine filled person to be around today.
That, and she takes absolutely no shit from anyone and I need that more than her perky personality at this present moment.

"Good morning UCLA!" She yells into her Pom doubling as a microphone as we make our way out of the cafe, coffees in hands and ready to take on our first official training session.

We have been studying tapes of routines and I hope I am able to keep up with choreography today.
The saying "Dance away your troubles" absolutely applies today and I intend to do just that.

*************************************************

After a vigorous two hours in the gym blocking choreography, Candice and I are looking and feeling much less pep in the step but I feel like I literally danced out the drama. Danced it right out with the sweat still pouring out of all my pores.

"Feel like a coffee at that place I told you about?" I ask Candice who is completely red in the face and covered in a sheen of sweat.

"Yeah, but give me like, an hour to shower a few hundred times and drink a gallon of water first ok?" She whines and picks up her bag.

"Of course my little sweat Barbie." I tease and slap her on the ass, regretting it the second I pull my hand back, damp from her soaked cheeks.

" Jesus Candice, do you just pour sweat from every hole?" I ask, wiping my hand on her towel and faking a gag.

"Yes. I do." She says wagging her brows and then as I grimace she says; "Oh Shut up Ellis. Not everyone starts and finishes training looking like a bloody supermodel." With that, she sticks her tongue out at me and we both laugh together.

"Come on, let's get you to the shower and then I'll buy you a giant brownie to cheer you up ok?" I add, directing her towards our dorm.

As we walk I silently regroup, thinking briefly about Bayne before I try to redirect my thoughts and look up at our dorm coming into view.

I don't have much luck coming up with a new topic because I see Jax leaning against the wall. As soon as he looks in our direction, his face falls and he pushes off the wall and heads straight for us.

Fuck it. So much for changing my train of thought, one of the loose carriages is steaming straight for me.

"Ellis, can we ah, talk a second?" He asks nervously, not looking me in the eyes as I stare up at his.

"Jax, I would rather not talk about it if that's ok?" I say slowly, as he finally meets my gaze. All I can see is guilt plastered across his chiselled face and it makes me feel like shit for some reason.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Fuck. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you." He shuffles his feet from side to side and waits for me to say something.

I look at Candice who is tapping her foot and giving him a death stare. It's quite an achievement for someone to be able to look so terrifying looking exactly like a drowned rat.

"It's not your fault. You know that right? I don't blame you for not telling me. It wasn't your secret to tell." I say and I mean it. The surprise on his face is evident, as well as the relief.

"What? Really? You don't think I'm a piece of shit? Because I do." He stutters out, a small sad smirk on his face.

"The only piece of shit this in this whole bullshit show is that mother fucker Bayne." Candice snorts out, waving her hands about for emphasis.

Jax stares at me waiting for a response, subconsciously taking a step back from Candice. I don't blame him, her long nails are weapons and I don't even want to contemplate what she could do with them.

"He is your friend Jax, I know there must have been a reason for you to protect him. I don't blame you, I promise. If anything? I blame myself. For being a push over." I say sadly and watch his face drop again.

"You are not a push over. You're great Ellis. Ok? I just feel shit because you didn't deserve to walk into this mess. Its fucking ridiculously complicated, but I swear he isn't all bad. If he was, we wouldn't have been friends this long." He says, making sure I look at him the entire time. His eyes are deadly serious. I know he means what he is saying. He is almost defending Bayne. Not his actions, just the person behind them.

"How many times?" I blurt out and the sudden tone i take startles him.

"What?" He says, looking around like he is searching for a clue to respond with.

"I'm pretty sure you heard me, how many? How many times have you covered for him like this?" I say, the need to know what number sucker I am in line to the Bayne show is urgent.

"Ellis." He stalls but I push, I just need to know.

"How many?" I ask again, softly and a little more forlorn.

"Too many." He says lowly and my heart sinks.

"But never like this, I haven't seen him ever really give a shit about the girls, not like this." He adds, so softly that I almost miss it.

I stare at him trying to figure out what he isn't telling me. Why do I always feel like there is more to this stupid melodrama?

Candice lets out an annoyed groan beside me but Jax doesn't shift his eyes from mine.

"I mean it. He is cut about this. He feels shit for hurting you Ellis. It's not an excuse I swear. It's just fucking not a simple solution." He finishes, sneaking a quick glance at Candice who doesn't meet his gaze.

I think over what he said but I can't seem to make any sense of it and it doesn't help me feel any less shit about myself anyway.

I appreciate him trying to smooth it over but really, it's not his job to tidy up someone else's mess.

"Feel like a coffee?" I ask Jax, earning a small smile from him and another sigh from the puddle formally known as Candice next to me.

"Sounds good." He breaths out and i just nod slowly. Apology accepted. I don't blame Jax for anything.

"Fine but you're ass is paying for my brownie Jax." Candice slings her demand at him and grabs my hand to drag me into the dorms.

"Meet you at that place down the road in half hour." I call out as I'm shoved into the lift."

I see him nodding as the doors close and I turn to face Candice, who is wearing an expression I can't quite read.

"What?" I ask, very aware that she is working on something in that busy mind of hers.

"Interesting ." She says but with a wicked smile, as evident with all the wicked queens throughout Disney history.

"Whatever you are thinking, stop it immediately." I warn but she just shakes her head.

"Me? Thinking? Psghhh." She says as our floor comes into view and we stumble out of the lift.

Candice heads down to her room promising to meet me at my door in twenty minutes as I head into my room.

I barge in without looking and turn to put my keys on the table. When my eyes finally turn to my side of the room, I drop my keys and bag in shock;
Bayne stands by my bed, hands at his side, hair dishevelled, huge purple bags under his eyes that keep darting everywhere but my face.

When he finally sets his gaze on me I freeze and he shuffles, uncertain on his feet.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, my tone steady, my heart anything but.

"Lexi let me in, I'm sorry to just be in here like this but I need to say somethings to you and I knew you wouldn't meet me. Can we please just talk?" He whispers, almost pleading with me.

"So you fucking ambush me in my room? Remind me to thank Lexi later." I snap, thinking of a few ways I can return the worst favour ever.

He just stands still, a frown on his face, his lips in a thin line. He looks like shit and a part of me feels bad for him. A small part that shall remain unnamed and mocked by the rest of me for being a pussy.

"I have plans with Jax and Candice so no, I don't have time for this shit." I state, almost believing myself too, if it wasn't for my traitor of a heart rate racing like the whipped bitch she is.

His face drops even more but he nods and heads for the door. As he puts one hand on the door knob he stops and let's out a sigh;

"All I want is five minutes to talk Ellis." He says it without facing me and I swallow the bile that the tone of his voice brings to my mouth.

"Not today." I say slowly and he nods again without turning around. He opens the door and leaves without another word and I breathe out loud and sit down on my bed for support.

Fuck. There goes my good mood.