I can barely bring myself to even think about this iceberg size mess I'm living. I refuse to. Call it denial if you like. I prefer to call it controlled survival. I painfully control every detail of my life second by second. No room for extras or accidents or trouble.

Not anymore.

My life now consists of moving in very small circles to avoid running into.... people. Or one particular person. My now non- life follows a simple series of movements. I get up, ignore all social media incase I get a glimpse of his happy life with her. I make myself somewhat decent, I get coffee downstairs, I go to class and then rehearsal and then I come back to the dorm. No chit chat. No dawdling. No fun. No life.

No feelings.

I eat in the cafeteria of the dorm. I make sure to ignore all invitations to live outside of my depressing life. I have to. Because if I dared to step outside this controlled little circle I have created, I may run into him. And then I would have to deal with meeting her. And the guilt would eat me alive.

It's only been five days and so far, it's ok. Well, it's not at all ok. But I'm safe in my bubble. I keep myself busy. I keep my mind active so I don't go there. I can't. Not yet.

So no. I won't go to the bar. Or the mall. Or anywhere but my protected little cycle. Because if I did, I might just fall apart. And I can't. I won't.

I'm sitting here now avoiding the constant barrage of texts from Lexi and Candice who are with the team at a quad party outside the dorms. The base is so loud I can feel it from my room. Im having an in-room dance pith party with myself. I don't need to be there to know that everyone else is.

That's the exact reason I'm not there. Call me pathetic. Candice does. Constantly. I prefer the term self preservation. I'm trying to preserve my bloody emotions. And this is the best way for me to do it.

My phone buzzes again and I expect to see another risqué pic from Candice. The drunker she gets, the more clothing comes off. It's almost porn now and getting more and more obscure in terms of where she is posing.

The last one was in some kind of shower block and she was basically topless. If these ever get out I'll be done for keeping underage porn on my phone. Crazy girl. Must delete these after I tease her with the evidence of her debauchery tomorrow.

When I look down at the number I notice it's Dee instead and I almost jump out of my skin trying to connect the call.

"Dee oh my god. I miss you." I all but shout down the phone at her.

"Spill." She says dryly. I roll my eyes and pretend I have no clue what she is on about. I'm going to make this fun before she inevitably starts telling me off.

When I remain silent I hear her grunt on the phone and she continues without letting me make her wait too long;

"Don't give me that innocent silent act shit Ellis, you have been banging on and on about this Bayne guy and then all of a sudden this last week... nothing. So like i said, spill. Because I know you well enough to know that silence means shit has hit the fan. Am I right?" She speeds out, hitting the nail on the head with such accuracy that I'm literally speechless for a few seconds.

She knows me.

"Fuck. Dee. I screwed up. Majorly screwed up." I whisper out, shaking my head as I do because I feel like the literal worst person in the world every time I think about it.

"What happened." She asks, her know it all tone evident as she waits for me to say the words. She knows it must be bad because I usually tell her everything. No secrets. Ever. That's our rule. No matter how bad they are.

If she only knew that saying it out loud makes it real. And I can't do real right now. Real equals dealing with the feelings. Man I wish she was here.

"Ellis... just tell me. Tell me so I can give you shit and then we can fix it." She laughs a little and I smile and let out a breath.

I decide to just give it to her straight. She needs to
Know all of it.

"So I told you I was seeing Bayne, for a couple weeks. And it was... great. Honestly Dee, it was fucking awesome. Right up until the part where I met his long term girlfriend. That I knew about... the whole time." I spit it all out fast and pause painfully as I wait for her to respond.

If the sudden intake of air on the other end of the line is anything to go on, she isn't happy. Silent Dee is never good. Yelling I can take. Screaming even. But silent. That means she has so much to say that she doesn't know where to start.

This isn't going to be fun for me at all.

"Well fuck. I didn't expect that Ellis. Shit. What have you done?" She says, not in a judgemental way. She is just being honest. This is how we are. We don't bullshit each other.
We call each other out on things like this. We keep each together in check. Even if we don't always like to. I can always count on her to tell me the honest truth.

And shit I need that right now.

"Why did you do this Ellis? Did you really know he had a girlfriend the whole time?" She asks, I can hear her guilt laden tone through the connection.

"Not at first. But then it came out and he confirmed they were still together when I asked him and I still continued to see him even after I knew about her. About Cara. But honestly, it didn't bother me until I met her. And I know that sounds so bad. But she wasn't anything to me, she wasn't real really. Until she was in front of me and I realised what I was doing was so shit." I rush it all out. All the things i needed to say, that I need to feel and come to terms with.

It feels crappy to say that she didn't matter to me. In a way I guess I compartmentalised Cara. Made her a small, un important fragment of the relationship i had with Bayne, when in actual fact she was a giant part of it. The beautiful, innocent elephant in the room.

And I slept with her boyfriend. Knowing about her. Knowing if she ever found out, she would be destroyed. And I was a part of her destruction. And not an innocent bystander either.
Girl code well and truly broken. If there was a club I would be evicted. Banned. Shunned even.

"I'm a shit person aren't I?l I ask Dee, though I already know the answer.

"Yeah. You are. But not as shit as him El. He fucked up more than you did." She answers honestly.

"So what now?" She continues, but I don't even have a clue how to answer her.

"I was kind of hoping you could tell me that." I say with a small laugh. It feels nice to have a jovial moment. Even if only briefly. All I have felt lately is guilt. Anger. And empty. I miss being with him. I was even angry at Cara for taking up my time with him. But then I realised, it never was my time. It was always hers. I just stole it for a while.

"You know what you need to do now Ellis. You need to stop. He clearly has no problem being a fuckboy, leave him to it." Dee is taking no prisoners tonight. She leaves no room for interpretation on this one.

"And Cara? Do I need to tell her?" I whisper out, hoping to any god that will listen that she says no.

"You don't need to tell her shit Ellis. You aren't friends. You shared a dick. That's all." She grunts on the end of this statement as I all but choke on the pretzels I was shoving into my face.

"For fucks sake Dee. That's disgusting!" I shout down the phone and press the FaceTime button so she can see my level of disgust.

Her grumpy little stern face comes into view and I can see her bedroom behind her. The pics of us on the light yellow wall, her clothes covering most of the floor and her music playing softly in the background.

Nothing has changed. Nostalgia fills my heart and I feel tiny tears prickle at the corner of my eyes.

"Ellis, truth hurts my friend. You fucked her man. You knew he was hers. This is not one of those sad rom coms where he realises you are the one. He had time to choose you and he didn't. This is not the first or last time he will do this to her. But fuck it, it's the last time he will do it with you, understand?" Her eyes go wide and she nods her head up and down for affect.

I nod in response and laugh at her serious little face.

"I love you, you mean bitch." I say, smiling at her and shaking my head.

"And I love you, you homewrecking little whorebag." She smiles into the phone and plants a kiss on the screen.

We chatter on about school and her study and her latest boy toy for another hour before she has to go and before I fall asleep. By the end of our call I am all caught up on her life and feel like nothing much has changed. Except for the fact that we can't fall asleep together watching shitty movies and binging on chocolate and pop corn and box wine.

Now we have to say goodbye all over again and I have to face this stupid shit alone.

"Do the right thing. I love you." She says and hangs up the call without dragging it out.

I lay on my bed clutching the phone to my chest in a lame attempt to feel close to her from so far away.
It's funny that I feel the sting of the distance from her more in the very worst and the very best of times, and for me lately these have both involve Bayne.

My phone vibrates on my chest and I pull it back to see a text from Dee.

Dee
You are not a shit person El. You are the best person I know. And you are better than this. She doesn't deserve this.
Love you

This time a single tear escapes before I can stop it. I don't know if it's the situation or missing Dee or how lonely these last days have been that tips me over the edge.

Maybe it's all of it.

Maybe it's missing him.

On cue, my phone vibrates again and I open it without even looking who it's from, the tears blurring my vision.

Bayne
You aren't at the party

It's not a question as such. More a statement. It's also the first time I have heard from him in five days.

I guess Cara is gone again.

I lay my phone on my bed and move my hands away like it is suddenly radioactive.

What would Dee do? How would she handle this? I should have asked her this part. Shit. Just one little text and I'm already losing any courage I just built up from speaking with Dee.

Bayne
Don't ignore me Ellis. Please. We need to talk.

I decide to dive in. I need to end this.

Ellis
About what exactly? Meeting Cara? That was great. Thanks.

Bayne
I didn't know she was going to be there Ellis. Do you think I would have told you to come up if I did?

Ellis
That's what you think I'm mad about? A mistake in your girlfriend timetable? For fucks sake Bayne. Do you have any idea what that was like?

Bayne
Like I said, we need to talk. I'm sorry ok, I never meant for you two to cross paths like that. Ever. It was too close. It won't happen again.

Ellis
What? Of course it won't. You should have warned me. Couldn't you have at least gone to your apartment. Fuck. It was all so... shit. Made me feel like shit. Dirty almost.

Bayne
Fuck. She is my girlfriend Ellis. She is allowed to
come to my dorm when she wants to. She was trying to surprise me. I never meant for you to run into her like that. Don't you think I know that? How close it was to just falling apart? You almost blew it Ellis

Ellis
Fuck you. How dare you put this on me. This is on you. You piece of shit. All on you.
She deserves better.
I deserve better.
Don't fucking text me again.

And then i decide I have had enough. I turn my phone off and throw it in my drawer for safe keeping. It takes all my will power not to throw it against the wall.

Of all the things I thought he would say. Of all the dialogue that has played out over and over in my mind. None of it had him blaming his almost failed relationship issues on me. At all.

Of all the cowardly bullshit he has pulled, this is the lowest of the low. This is the fear stepping forward and taking the reigns. And it's an ugly master.

And it has whipped me into an angry mess.

I stalk about the room kicking and throwing whatever comes into my range. But it doesn't give me any release. I'm so mad now. I'm fuming. I'm burning in the inside.

I am not letting this asshole blame me for his bad relationship choices. I am busy blaming the fuck out of myself for my own stupid mistakes.

In need an outlet and i need it fast. I grab my phone and headphones out and chuck on some runners and the first hoodie that I can find. Screw it, I don't care what I look like.

Tonight I'm not going to make any retribution manoeuvres. I need to let this settle. Simmer. He is scared and acting like an ass. I'm mad and acting like a crazy person. These two volatile emotions do not end in anything positive. Not right now. It's too raw.

Interacting with anyone right now, especially him, is a bad idea. I need to let off some steam.

I grab my keys and shut the door behind me, trying not to slam it but the pent up rage causes me to fail miserably and I jump back in response. I kick the door and yell shit at the top of my lungs. I need to hit something. Now. I am mad as all hell. And the hurt is trying to bubble up. Like every sad girl in every romance-gone- wrong movie I have seen, I force myself to swallow it back down and wallow in the bitterness. I will deal with all the feeling mess later.

I head for the only place I can safely beat on anything and not cause physical harm to anyone but my poor muscles.

As I get to the gym I realise that someone else has my late night work out idea. Fuck, I'm in no mood for company. Not even in the slightest. Whoever it it better stay out of my way.

I step into the open door and a familiar dark head of hair turns to greet me, a huge smile covering his sweaty sweet face.

"Ellis." He pants out as he makes his way over to me.

"Jax."