The List

11. Don't hurt yourself. Don't even think about it.
12. Listen to music that's not sad.
13. Go to a party.
14. Kiss a boy.
15. Don't fidget when you're asked a personal question.

Em

Let me explain rule 13. When I was in third grade, I was friends with a girl named Addy. The issues weren't as visible then, so I could pass as normal then.
Her birthday party was a sleepover party with her friends, including me. She promised I could go. But I have to take pills every night, and my parents insist I can't skip a night. So I had to tell Addy about my issues.
As you can imagine, she freaked out. And immediately un-invited me. "You promised," I had managed to choke out after she un-invited me.
"I don't keep promises to a freak. If we were in a fairy tale, you'd be the witch," she'd snapped.
"Who's your prince, then?" I'd hissed. My shock had melted to anger.
Addy had pointed to Freddy, the cliched popular boy.
"Too bad his princess is such a bitch," I'd glared at her and promptly walked off.
And that's why I hate all boys.

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Flash forward to the present day. I'm sitting in a closet with an iPod and headphones. I turned it on and "Satisfied" from Hamilton started playing. I turned up the volume to drown out my parents' bickering.
"I'm perfectly fine," I murmur to myself as Angelica sings, "To the groom!"
I will end up as Angelica, I think. I don't have a sister, but I do have a brother. Actually, I'll probably end up as Peggy. Forgotten.
"To the bride!" I turn up the volume to max.
"To your union!" I sing loudly.
"And the hope that you provide!" I press my hands over my ears, trying to block out the rest of the world.
It doesn't work.
My annoying younger brother, Jack, walks in and yells, "MOM! EMILY'S BEING FREAKY AGAIN AND MY FRIENDS ARE COMING OVER IN TWO HOURS!"
I respond by throwing one of my mom's sandals that she keeps displayed on a tiny rack at him.
"MOM! EMILY THREW YOUR SHOE AT ME!" Jack screeches.
"SHUT UP!" I yell. "I HATE YOU ALL!"
I close my eyes, but I'm sure my mom has grabbed Jack by the arm and is yelling at him for being close to me.
My parents make me take my medications, lock me away in a room that I manage to escape day after day, enroll me in online school, and do everything they can to try to make me normal, but they're actually afraid of me. They think I'm contagious.
It doesn't matter that I'm a human being. It only matters that I get headaches every day, have panic attacks frequently, and have strange habits.
And of course, everybody thinks I'm just shy. Because that's what people think about kids like me.
Well, that's what the nice people think, at least. The mean people, like Addy and Freddy, think I'm a freak. And crazy. "Crazy" and "freak" and "psycho" never gets old.
The song's over. "Speechless" from Aladdin, one of my favorite movies, is up next.
"I'd suffocate rather than breathe," I murmur after I hear the line "I'll breathe when they try to suffocate me".
I press my index fingers to my temples. No, no, no, no, no, I have to do what they say, I have no control over myself, I'm a freak and this is what I have to do, I'm being fed lies, how do I continue, I can't die, but if I did nobody would be sad, I think.
I sit in silence, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets, until the song ends.
"listen before i go" comes on. It's one of my favorites.
What if I died what would happen would anybody miss me? I think to myself.
I search for an answer in my mind. What would happen if I died? What does it feel like, being dead?
Surprisingly, I find an answer.
Peace.