~~~Izu's POV~~~

My sleep was dreamless, well the one after my over-dramatic reaction. I can hear it now from Aato, Kacchan, and basically everyone from last night 'It wasn't over-dramatic, you have every right to feel that way because shit happened.' I just... I have no right, people have it worse, I'm safe right now others aren't. That's beside the point. I was the first one up, but I just laid there, staring at the ceiling. Thinking about last night. I overshared once again, everyone here just pities me. Fuck.

"Zu," fuck did I wake Denk's up?

"Did I wake you?"

"No, but you were mumbling. No one here pities you and you didn't overshare, we asked you to tell us."

"What time is it?"

"Nine."

"Fuck."

"What's wrong?"

"I didn't mean for this weekend to go this way. And I just..."

"Nerd hush and go back to bed," Kacchan pulls me closer, cuddling me tighter.

"Well, you heard your man, go back to sleep. And no one here pities you Zu." No one wants to tell me they pity me, but they do. They think my story is too bad and I'm too good and just- they think I didn't deserve it. No. I don't want to do this today, we're going to have a good day and my thoughts can't stop me. I've ruined enough hours for everyone, I'll make it up to them. I'm still laying here, staring at the bland ceiling, thoughts of the last few days playing repeat. I felt myself slowly dozing off, into an empty slumber.

"-sleep?"

"Not anymore, Zu come on, I know you woke up." I open my eyes slowly.

"Hm?" I lean into Kacchan more, ducking my head under the covers.

"Are you still sleepy?"

"Uh-uh, jus wan cuddles." I heard a shit ton of awe's after I said that. Right, we have five other people here. Whelp, I'm up now. So I shift away from Kacchan, standing to stretch.

"How long have you guys been up?"

"Only ten minutes, it's almost noon."

"Fuck. What do you guys want for breakfast?"

"I'm fine with just cereal," Kiri stated, getting Toshi, Mina, and Denks to agree.

"Kacchan, Jirou?"

"Whatever you want love."

"U-um, I'm fine with anything Zu." I shine a bright smile to Jirou, glad she started using my nickname.

"Pancakes?"

"Sure."
"Kiri, Toshi, Kami, Mina? You guys change your minds?"

"I'm good bro, but thank you!"

"Why not Izu, thanks."

"I'm good Izubabe."

"No thanks, Midoriya."

"Alright, four batches of pancakes coming up, uh K-Kacchan could you grab-"

"Yep, I'll be down in a sec to help you."

"You're not helping me! I can do it on my own!"

"Come on Zu, let me help." He's coming back down the stairs while I'm getting the batter. I push him away repeatedly while finishing them, as he finally decides to sit down with the promise that he can watch me. I finish the pancakes about fifteen minutes later, splitting them onto plates. I only grabbed two, and I know I'm only eating about one and a half. Kacchan and Toshi glance at my plate, look at each other, and look back at me. I flash a fake smile.

"Zu, please."

"I'll eat lunch."

"Midoriya, you can't keep this up."

"I'm gonna eat lunch, and I'm eating. Two pancakes is a lot, they're absorbents so if I drink something-"

"It isn't the same as eating bro, absorbents make you feel full with liquid, because they expand, but they don't actually fill you."

"I'm pushing it as it is. Please."

"Fine, what are we doing today?" He's mad. You make him mad, what do you expect? The Deku you are, you probably irritate everyone here. Not now.

"Movie day?"

"Sure," Kiri started.

"Yeah, sounds fun Zu," Jirou added. The others nod or make sounds of approval. I eat what I can and take my antidepressant.

"Alright, do you guys wanna play games first, or go do something, I mean we could always go shoot pool."

"That'd be fun." Everyone else seemed to agree, and that's what we did today. When we got back we picked out random movies, watching them, and talking with each other. I kept having thoughts like the ones earlier. I was once again the first asleep, having no dream, how I like it. The next few days weren't interesting, at least not as much so. We sparred, watched movies, hung out, just stuff to get to know each other. It was nice to have a change of pace. Monday everyone left around the same time, Mina promising to come and grab her stuff as she left for work. Shin made the promise that we'll talk over everything more with Aato, Denks wanting to hang out more along with Jiro and Kiri. It was fun but I'm ready to be alone, wallow in my thoughts. It's about nine now.

"Mina's gonna be here in a little more than an hour and forty minutes Izu. Shouldn't you eat?"

"I'm not hungry, Kacchan. I just wanna sleep." I know I haven't eaten since this morning when we all ate together. I need to weigh myself when Kacchan leaves, figure how to lose whatever I gained.

"Zu, please."

"Kacchan, why do you love me and stay here?"

"Z- what?"

"I-I mean there're so many reasons you should leave and forget about me-"

"Whoa, whoa. Zu, wait a minute," I don't stop pacing until Kacchan comes up and grabs my hands. Pulling me to him as he walks us to the couch, "now, what's wrong?"

"I'm no good."

"What do you mean?"

"K-Kacchan- n-nevermind." Too scared he's going to agree?

"Izu, what's wrong?"

"W-why do you love me?" His eyes soften and he gently rubs my back and plays with my hair.

"Zu," he sighs, you made him mad, "I love you for many reasons. You're an amazing human being, even after everything you've been through, you are so kind and caring. You try to help everyone making you a hero."

"B-but I'm ugly, a-and broken. I-I don't deserve t-to feel the way I do b-because at least I-I'm safe. I'm w-weak and useless a-and I hurt people. I-I'm a villain Kacchan."

"Izu, no. You are beautiful and handsome, your eyes are vibrant with the color of nature and so pure. Your freckles are fallen constellations, every single one of them. And before you ask, yes the ones on your body too. Not just your face. You don't need validation to feel the way you do love. You went through so much trauma, let yourself feel the way you do. I'm here to help you find yourself, baby, I'm here to help you when you fall down, so let yourself experience your emotions from the past. You aren't weak or useless Zu, because you've put up with and been through so much that it isn't possible for you to be weak. And I know you didn't need to be strong but you needed to be safe. I know love. You aren't a villain, the bastard is, you didn't deserve anything that happened, and I am so sorry you went through any of that. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you when you needed me, but I'm here now, so let me help. Please." He slowly traces the imperfections covering my face, still playing with my hair.

"Why couldn't this week have gone to plan?"

"Which plan? The way we were wanting it or your plan?" I remain quiet, I don't know.

"Zu, you need to talk about this. Quit internalizing your feelings, emotions, and thoughts."

"I know! I know! But I fucking CAN'T Kacchan! I don't know which I mean, I don't know HOW I feel, I don't know what the hell I THINK! I'm so fucking confused and I hate it," I feel the tears enter my eyes, and I just let it happen, I let my throat tighten and my tears fall. I'm done with this shit. Then leave.

"Izu, stop. You're going to your head. Stop letting the thoughts overpower your voice." What happened to him hating you? What happened to him wanting you to leave him alone? What happened to him bullying you? He doesn't love you, of course you fell for false words from a hopeful relationship. It's gonna happen again, and you can't stop it. With Shinsou, Denki, Kirishima. E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E.

"Baby, come on."

"S-stop, go back to hating me. Go back to bullying me. Please." I shift away from him, trying to put more distance from us.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing feels right. Nothing has felt right since mom found out, I just want it all to go back to how it was. Before mom worried, before you changed from hating me, before I couldn't fucking leave. I want everyone to stop being fake and feeding me false words."

"You're scared, that's okay. We're working through this together. No one in your life is being fake or telling you anything that is false."

"Then why don't you hate me? Why does everyone pity me? Why does everything go wrong?"

"I've never hated you, not once. No one fucking pities you, yeah they hate what you went through and want to help make things better but they don't fucking pity you. Everything goes wrong because of how you react to situations, letting the thoughts overpower you, letting the thoughts get to you. Everything goes wrong because that bastard damaged something so sweet and so amazing that all you can do is think of pain, and heartbreak, and ugliness." See it's your fault.

"Whatever, I-I'm gonna go take a shower." I go to get up but get pulled back.

"Zu, what's going on?"

"I just fucking told you, now let me go so I can take a shower." Fuck. I didn't mean to sound like that.

"Izuku, enough with this bull shit. There's something else going on and I need to know. So no I won't be letting you go take a shower right this instant because for all I know you might try and do something."

"Leave me alone."

"Just let me go take a shower, let the hot water calm me down. I'm just overwhelmed."

"Talk to me then!"

"The thoughts, like always. Okay? I'm always ruining this shit and I am told about it every fucking time."

"Zu, take a break. Come lay down with me and let your thoughts be silent. We can watch something or just take a nap. Or even I can sing to you. Just take a break for a little please." He pulls me on top of him, laying on his chest.

"I wanna take a shower, I wanna be alone right now." It would give you a chance to find something, to well ya know.

"That won't stop the thoughts. Why do you wanna be alone so bad? Is the itch back? You need to talk to me about this so I know what I can do to help." I find my nails more interesting. Oh look my mouth isn't able to make any noise, it's occupied by my nail in my mouth as I bite them.

"Babe. Please."

"Fine. Yes, the itch is back, but I don't know what to do to stop it."

"Is the food coloring in the same place?"

"Yeah, why?"

"As I told you two or so weeks ago, I know ways to help cope. I'll be back, you stay here." And he got up, getting a bowl, the food coloring, and ice. Coming back and sitting next to me.

"Take an ice cube and set it or rub it where you would usually cut. The color tricks your brain and the coldness of it shocks your nerves that it'll help." So I do, I hate the cold but I'll deal with it. He only gave me two ice cubes which I'm glad for because I can't exactly deal with coldness too well. I'm not too sure how well it's working but it is keeping my mind distracted.

"I'm sorry Kacchan."

"Why?"

"I need to start telling you when shit like this happens. But I just- I feel so fucking useless needing to depend on you and everyone else."

"Hey, we're getting through this. We both know that this road is going to be hard and that there will be bad days-"

"But it's been a bad week, this shouldn't have happened."

"Zu, you're stressing yourself out. That's all. When Pinky gets here, we'll walk her home, I run a warm bath for you then make dinner. How does that sound?"

"Kacchan, no. You need to relax. You should go home and be with your mom and dad. I'll be fine, I promise."

"Zu, if you want me to go home so bad, then come with me."

"I need to watch the house, and I have Ebony."

"Deku, you're punishing yourself again. Trapping yourself in a house you have bad memories in."

"Kacchan, I'm fine. I'll be fine. You need time to yourself and to relax. I won't do anything. I promise, besides if I were to then well, I would have left Ebony without food. And I wouldn't do that."

"I'm staying. We can go over to my parents tomorrow and visit. Stop arguing with me." I shut up, scoot away from him, and go on my phone.

"Babe, don't be mad at me please."

"I'm fine, I don't see why you can't see that."

"Because you aren't fine love. You're getting irritable quickly, you've been stressing, you aren't in a good mindset, you are beating yourself up to the point of exhaustion. The nightmares aren't helping. Stop pretending you're fine."

"Stop. I am fine."

"No you aren't." We hear a knock on the door, has it already been an hour? I get up to open it seeing Mina.

"Hey Ash, how're you?"

"Tired, you?"

"I'm good, ready to go, or do you wanna sit for a bit?"

"No offense, I just wanna go home and sleep?"

"That's alright, I'll just grab Kacchan and your stuff." So I leave her at the doorway and I grab everything.

"Hey Bakuhoe, how're you?"

"Fine, you Pinky?"

"Tired."

"Got it, ready to go?"

"Yep, come on Mina." We walk to the train station, get on the train going the right way, and this time we sit. Mina doesn't want to stand any longer than she needs to and I don't want to make her. We get off at her stop, walking her home and giving her her stuff after her mother greets us and tells us to have a good night, us returning the goodbye and heading back.
"Zu, what's wrong?"

"Hm? Oh nothing. I'm fine."

"Izu, you've been quiet for the past like thirty minutes."

"I'm fine Kacchan, really." Honestly, I'm not, I don't know what to say or how to act, hell I don't really feel in control.

"You aren't, what's going on?"

"I'm fine, please leave this alone."

"Deku-"

"Kacchan, I can't explain this, please just leave this alone."

"Explain it to me, describe it, try to word it so I can try to understand so I can try and help you."

"I don't feel in control right now, I don't know what to say or how I'm supposed to act right now."

"What's a way to ground you, in this moment."

"You wouldn't like them."

"That's not the only way. Why do you always go to that?" I look down.

"C-can this wait until we're home?"

"No one's on the train so talk."

"I-I don't know. I hated the feeling of my sweaters or pants catching onto my cuts, I hated the burns I felt when I was in the shower, but I crave to feel it again. I miss the burn and the snags, I miss seeing the lines, no matter how much I hate them they made me feel some sort of comfort. I miss being able to put pressure on my side or wrist and needing to suppress the hiss I would make, I don't know why, I just do."

"It's a type of addiction to you, you need to find alternatives and talk about it when it comes back. You need to try and find a grounder."

"Kacchan, I can't. I don't know what helps."

"That's why you experiment, try to test the waters. See what helps and what doesn't. Did the ice trick work?"

"I guess? I don't know Kacchan." As I finish my sentence the train stops. It's now our stop, yay.

"Babe, you need to try."

"I know, I know, Kacchan. Just- let me be in silence right now?"

"Zu... alright." At least he's letting it slide. For how long? How long will he let you keep doing this before he gets angry enough to leave? Not now, just let it be. But you sound so defeated, why not let me just mess with you a bit? Or are you scared that he will leave eventually? I know he will. It isn't a surprise, everyone leaves after I get happy. So what's the issue here? Why are you so... detached? I'm tired of it. Tired of what? Living. Then why haven't you left? I couldn't, dad's still not here, Kacchan- He doesn't care so don't use him as an excuse. Right, I guess that's all I'm doing. Making up excuses seeing as I don't want to hurt anyone. You wouldn't be, it'd be a blessing. You can't do anything right. You cause fights between people, you are ugly and- well just look at you, a quirkless loser who seems to only do harm. The thoughts fade as I'm brought back to real life, at my front door. I take the hint and grab my key, unlocking the door and allowing Kacchan to go in. He takes his shoes off and sits on the couch. He's mad at you. I know. I won't let him help. I take my shoes off as well, but I go upstairs. To the place I hate the most yet love the most. My dreaded room. I find my art supplies and grab a marker, I don't care which color just that it'll stay on my skin. Turns out it was a red sharpie. I start writing on my arms. Worthless, quirkless, loser, good for nothing, does everything wrong, everyone hates you, you deserved it, just die. I also draw some lines, along with just random things, something to distract me. And it was, a little too well.

"Deku?" I jumped, I didn't even hear him.

"Yeah Kacchan?"

"I'm sorry I kept pushing you."

"Love, no. I need to stop being so... detached, come here," I motion for him to walk closer and he does, so I pull him on me, "I am so sorry I can't seem to get better, you have every right to push me, I'm sorry I keep making you feel bad."

"Come on, I'll go make dinner and you can take a shower."

"No, I'll make dinner, you do what you want."

"Fine, I'll run you a bath and make dinner."

"Kacchan-"

"Zu, you've had a rough week, let me do this for you."

"I can't keep relying on you to make everything right."

"Why?"

"You'll get tired of me and leave, I can't keep letting you take care of me."

"Dammit, what have I told you! I am not leaving any time soon."

"But later you might."

"I didn't say that!"

"I used the same wording Thursday."

"I'm never leaving you. And I stick to my word."

"I don't want to be an obligation."

"Zu, come one babe. You know you aren't an obligation."

"Then why the hell am I only good for being taken care of and beating up?"

"That's not all you're good for, hell no one's laying a hand on you again if I can help it. Maybe you need a little bit of attention but that isn't a bad thing, and it isn't like I don't need attention either. You are amazing at analyzing shit and you are really smart and incredibly strong, both physically and mentally."

"Just drop it, I'm going to make dinner." I go to get up, well try to. Only to not be able to due to Kacchan pinning me to the bed.

"I will not be dropping this Midoriya. You need a break, and I don't care if I have to force you into the bathtub itself for you to take said break."

"Kacchan I'm fine-"

"So are you opting for me to start the bath, come back in here, grab you, take you to the bathroom, undress you, and put you in the tub?"

"N-no! I-I just don't want to take a bath, I just want to make dinner and hang out with you."

"After you relax in the tub, it'll help calm your mind."

"I-I don't want to."

"Why?" I avert my gaze, say it, maybe he'll finally stop.

"Babe, I can't help you if you don't tell me." I can't, he'll be disappointed.

"It's nothing." If having a recurring thought to try taking sleeping pills again and let yourself fall asleep in the bath is nothing then sure.

"Zu, what happened to us talking about it?" You being disappointed happened.

"It's nothing, so there's nothing to talk about." Sure Zu, sure.

"Why are you deflecting so much?"

"You'd be disappointed."

"Explain to me what's going on love. I won't be disappointed, because as I said, we're working through this." At this point, he's moved from hovering over me to sitting on my stomach.

"W-what if the thoughts t-take over, an- and I take sleeping p-pills while I'm in the tub, w-what if I don't wake up?"

"Zu, baby. I can move everything so you can't if that's what you're so worried about."

"I shouldn't need them to be moved. That's the issue."

"Love, we knew there would be side effects to taking antidepressants, it's a given. It's known that suicidal thoughts and intrusive thoughts happen more often with them. We just need to talk to Aato about it."

"F-fine."

"Great, I'll go ahead and run you a bath, I'll be sure to grab the medications before I come and get you, then I'll go make dinner. No buts about it."

"Fine, thank you, love," he leans down and kisses me before getting off of me and going to the bathroom. About five minutes later he comes back, telling me everything's set up, and headed downstairs. So I get up, head to the bathroom, close the door, and undress. I stood in the mirror for a few minutes while the water rose, just- staring at myself. You're fat, you need to lose weight. You have stretch marks, those are ugly. I turn to the side, observing myself a little more. Those scars show nothing other than you lose every fight. You deserved the beatings. You deserved to almost lose. You should die, you're just a pathetic Deku. I pinch at the skin around my stomach, watching how much actually pulls away. I pinch at my thighs and tap them a bit watching how they jiggle. And I am utterly disgusted. I scan every single freckle on me, my thighs, my shoulders, my back, my face, neck, arms- everywhere and watch how misplaced they are. I shake out of my thoughts when I hear a knock.

"You alright Zu? The water's still running."

"I-" I take a breath, gaining control over the voice crack from almost crying, "I'm fine Kacchan."

"Alright, I'm going to be right downstairs, if you need me just yell."

"A-alright love, thank you." I waited for him to leave before I let the tears I kept in go. I step in the tub, letting warm water soothe me, turning the cold down a little more so it gets hotter. I close my eyes and try to relax. Or do you do it so you don't have to look at your disgusting self? The thoughts continued on as I sat in the tub, getting so bad once that I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, eyes squeezed shut so I couldn't see my disgusting body, and just let myself quietly cry.