~~~Izu's POV~~~

It's 20 days until my birthday, yeah it's the next Thursday. My weeks are combining again but I'm faking it well. Maybe my plan from the start will work. This time after the meeting Kacchan and I won't be spending the weekend together. I feel like I'm overbearing so I told him that he doesn't have to go today nor stay the night. He said that if I really don't want him there he won't go and that if I don't want to spend the weekend with him I don't have to. I lied to him of course. He would never tell me that he doesn't want to be with me. So I told him that he can come but this weekend I just want to relax and sleep. He understood of course, I'm going to hate leaving him. I did agree to walk him home. Over the week mom had me take the bunny to the vet, it's a female and I named her Ebony. Got her up to date on shots and bought everything needed, besides the cage cause she isn't that much of a trouble maker. She's set up in my room now, and we are on our way to Aato.

"I'm sorry to hear that you boys won't be spending the weekend together."

"I'm taking the time to catch up on some stuff mom. Besides, Kacchan probably wants to spend this time with his family. I've been taking up most of his time."

"I'm just saying Izu, you're going to be home alone until Wednesday. I don't want you getting lonely."

"Are you going somewhere auntie?"

"Oh, Izuku didn't tell you? My work is having a mandatory business trip to try and get more buyers."

"Okay." I didn't tell him so he wouldn't worry about checking up on me. I'm not leaving soon. I need to wait. I need Kacchan to believe in himself and I need dad back, for mom. Yeah, just so she'll get the hits instead. That won't happen. He loves her.

"Do you want me to come by every so often to make sure he's sleeping, eating, and not just slumping around?"

"I can take care of myself."

"I would prefer you to, but Izu has proven that he's working hard to get better. So unless he wants you over you don't need to come over to check up on him. But I do give permission to both of you to hang out with each other."

"Okay mom." We pull up to the office, walking in I hold his hand but I know he can feel me pulling away from him.

"Zu what's going on?"

"What do you mean Kacchan?"

"You're being distant. You didn't tell me about the trip, and I can feel that you're thinking something. I can't tell what it is but the look on your face is making me worry."

"Love, you don't need to worry. I'm not leaving soon-"

"But you still plan on leaving. After everything, you're still letting that bastard control your life."

"It's not just him," I mumble. He goes to ask what I said when Viv came over and told us Aato was ready. I take a deep breath and walk. Kacchan grabbed my hand before we left the waiting room. When we had gotten to the door Shinsou was there too, so I knocked on the door to hear a deep 'come in' and open it.

"Good afternoon Midoriya, Bakugou, Shinsou," Aato says with a nod.

"Hi," I walked over to my normal seat, letting go of Kacchan's hand, and I guess this raised suspicion seeing as Aato had his eyebrow raised.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm," what? Shit, I got so comfortable with him not using his quirk that I forgot how to look and feel for it, "doing shitty."

"Wh-"

"Fuck you Aato. That wasn't cool."

"Maybe not, but you have to remember. Lying here won't get you to your goal."

"Yeah, my goal," it had a sarcastic hiss to it.

"Okay, what's going on."

"Nothing."

"From what I know of earlier. He's using this weekend to try and plan, hence the reason he doesn't want me over. Seeing as he'll be home alone. But it isn't a plan anytime soon, seeing as earlier he had said that I don't need to worry, he mumbled something after I had said that he's still letting the bastard control his life. He has yet to say it again."

"Midoriya, what's going on?"

"Can I not want to be alone? Why is it that when I have a bad day it's just the end of the world? I spoiled everyone's day by being alive so what's so wrong with me planning on leaving this fucking world?"

"Zu, when have you ever ruined my night?"

"The day you found out, the day I got in a fight, last weekend."

"It's not like you could help any of that, you had a panic attack, it wasn't your fault. The fight, they're the ones who started it. Last weekend, you had a bad enough day, the old creep, the breakdown. It was just all too much for you."

"What happened with the creep?"

"The last two weekends Izu and I have gone to the pool place, there has been this old man that has harassed us. Same one both times and it also explained the itch. As Eyebags gathered. The guy was saying shit about how we're going to hell. How we don't know about suffering. Just trying to invalidate us. The other thing that happened the first time we got mixed up with him Izu and our friend Mina had gotten harassed by kids our age, Deku was held from behind and Mina was grouped. Disgusting humans I swear."

"Midoriya, why didn't this come up last meeting?"

"It was nothing. So what, a creep decided to prey on me."

"What thoughts came to mind when those events happened?"

"Nothing important."

"Midoriya, please just answer him. You know how things play out when you shut down. We're here to help. Meaning you don't need to shut us out."

"My thoughts contained ways to make me ugly, ways to leave, ways to just fucking die."

"Why?"

"You know why."

"Maybe, but you don't. Not really."

"Of all people I should know."

"If that's the case, then say why."

"Because, I don't want to be seen as an object. I don't want to be yelled at for being a child who 'doesn't know shit' because they know nothing."

"You're still missing the target."

"That's all."

"You say that you want to know ways to die because you don't want to be seen as an object, along with the way you want to become ugly. You want to leave so you aren't seen as a child. But you also want all that so you can detach yourself from Bakugou, your mom, everyone so you can leave. You're doing all this, shutting down, acting like you don't care just so you can die. You're using these as excuses so you can't feel guilty because your feelings are validated this way. But they are valid anyway. Because you have reasons to feel the way you and even when you don't have a reason they are still valid."

"Okay, what's the issue, you know my reason. So what."

"Seeing as you're distant, wanting to plan a good time to leave. Izuku, what's going on in your mind? You've been doing so good, what happened?"

"Making me feel like I'm not trying isn't going to help."

"That wasn't what I was planning to do. I want to know what changed."

"Nothing. I admit, everything felt better, over the past almost 6 months. But I'm shattered. Some of my pieces aren't even with me anymore. I'm beyond repair. It's time you guys see that too."

"Deku, that's not true. Because the fact that you felt better means that you just need a tighter hold to repair everything."

"I can't keep doing this Kacchan. All I'm giving everyone here is false hope."

"SHUT UP DAMMIT! You know it's not true!" I flinched when his voice raised. But I had an emotionless face.

"You're still scared of your father."

"Shinsou, you don't even know the start."

"Then educate us Midoriya. Please." Why must everyone need something from me? Because the world just takes and takes. They want to see you live but at what cost? Your mental state?

"Shut up, shut up, shut up. I'm tired of this."

"Tired of what Izuku? This is the reason we meet, let your heart talk. Stop trying to protect everyone."

"I'm tired of life, I'm tired of being useless. I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of being tired, of being scared, of feeling either nothing or everything at once. I'm tired of needing to go for walks just so when I'm at home I don't picture my bruised body on the very floor mom knows nothing happened on. I'm tired of being scared that everything will go back to normal. I'm tired of wondering how I'd kill myself, I'm tired of trying to reason that my dad loves my mom so much that when I'm finally gone dad would go back to normal. I just want everything back to normal. I want to be a kid again and start over. I want to try and be a better kid so this doesn't repeat. I want to make the scars and pain go away. I want the arguments to stop. I want to be my own hero and not depend on another person to save me like a damsel in distress."

"Are there... Are there more scars that aren't your doing?" I audibly gulped. Although I can't seem to speak, I do turn around and lift my shirt. Showing Toshi and Aato the scars that riddle my body that weren't my own doing. The ones I so wish to get rid of because they are indentations and ugly. There are three prominent ones, two across my shoulder blades, almost looking like wings had once been ripped from the area, and one on my lower back. After a few minutes I lower my shirt and turn around to see pity written on their faces.

"Stop. Just stop. I can't take that look. Please." I finally let the threshold of tears fall, I never even felt myself falling until I felt my ass hit the floor and I wrapped my arms around myself in a fetal position trying to protect myself from any more harm. My head falls back, hard against the couch as the silent tears stream out of each eye, falling down the corresponding cheek. It was eerily quiet as my breakdown continued, no one knew how to react. That's a lie. Kacchan could stop it by hugging me, Aato's studied me enough that I know for a fact that he knows how to help. The only one that didn't was Toshi, but I don't blame him. Or anyone for that matter, they knew I needed to let this out. They knew I've been strong for too long that this was just the stress talking. But it still hurts knowing they didn't do anything. No one intervened until Kacchan had noticed my chest rise erratically. I've been having the breakdown for a good ten minutes now that I had started hyperventilating. Now was the time to intervene.

"Alright love, I've got you. Deep breaths. Come on. Do it with me," he moved me forward so he can sit behind me, "I'm gonna place my hand on your chest, okay? Then I'll move yours to mine. Is that alright?" I tap his arm once and he gently places his hand on mine, making me flinch a little, and I feel his chest under it after. His heart thumping at a constant rate, then I feel something touch my chest. His hand. I feel his fingers tap my chest at the beat of my heart. Way too rapid to breathe for ten seconds and hold.

"Okay, in for five, hold, out for five. Can you do that?" I tap once and we start doing the breathing. As this happens Kacchans hand never stops copying my heartbeat. We worked up to ten seconds and after ten minutes I had exited the attack.

"Why can't I fucking do anything right?"

"Midoriya, you know that everyone needs help at one point or another. You did nothing wrong and you know it. So what's holding you back?"

"I-I don't know. I'm scared, how will I be when everything's good? I don't remember when I was happy, before everything went downhill."

"That shouldn't be frightening, it should be exciting. Discovering someone new within yourself."

"How will I know if the change is for the better?"

"You being happy is better," as Kacchan said this he pulled me closer.

"I'm sorry. Today didn't go as planned."

"What was the plan?"

"Mom was gonna drop us off, Kacchan and I would talk. He would probably ask why I didn't want to spend the weekend with him to which I'd respond how I want to catch up on things. We'd talk about the creep when you were ready. Things would go steady and I'd tell you about my bunny. Then it'd be time to leave."

"What went differently?"

"Mom told Kacchan about her leaving for the week. He ended up putting the pieces together. Then you used your quirk and I had my guard down. It just went downhill from the start."

"Are you still going to refuse Bakugou from helping?" I look down, completely ashamed that I can't help but want to continue with this plan. The three in the room know this.

"Let me stay with you. Izu please. I can't lose you again." His voice cracked and that broke my heart.

"K-Kacchan I-. I don't know what's wrong. I can't explain it, I've tried writing it down I really have. But every time I do it sounds like a goodbye. I want to stop everything. I want the itch to leave and I want my arguments to stop. I want to stop thinking I need to starve to be what I want to be. I want to stop flinching when you touch me after a nightmare. I want to stop hurting people but... I can't, I don't know how. I don't know where to start and I never know how to voice it. I wanted to but I couldn't see an option out. The only end I could see to all of this was the final end."

"Izuku, I know you already said your answer to this, but let me bring it to the table."

"P-please don't suggest meds I-I already-"

"You told me why but, let me explain it. Please." I nodded.

"They are called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. I took into account your fear of the thoughts taking over while doing this research. And I brought it up to your mom. Now I said it's all up to you. But while going over the types of antidepressants this was the safest one, you would need to just take it without anything else, I would only prescribe the lowest dose until you're comfortable and need a higher one. But that is an if. It's a 20mg dosage. And if you need someone to watch you take it that can be arranged. It is totally okay to ask for help. I will not tell you how much you need to take to do what you brought up, but I will tell Katsuki and your mother just so they watch it. All this medication does is prevent your bloodstream from absorbing serotonin so it'll heighten your chemical levels within your brain. It'll help try to stabilize it. It isn't a supplement so it wouldn't be fake happiness, it's your own."

"Do you really think this'll help me?"

"Izuku, I wouldn't suggest it if I thought it was a lost cause. I don't know how you react to medication to begin with but if you're willing to try I can monitor everything, and control the substance to a point where you don't need to worry about intrusive thoughts taking over."

"I-I don't know. I'm scared."

"Hey, baby. Come here." I get up from the floor, sitting on the couch. This didn't satisfy Kacchan because he pulled me until I was halfway on his lap.

"What's scaring you?"

"I'm scared that I'll think about overdosing off of them and unlike the sleeping pills, I'll succeed. I don't want to keep hurting everyone but I also can't help but long to leave. I'm scared everything won't be good in the end. What happens if dad finds out about, well everything. He doesn't believe in therapy, getting treated for mental shit. Cause it's all in the head. He doesn't agree with me being quirkless how would he react when he finds out I'm gay?"

"Nothing will happen. We could put him away now. You have the evidence."

"N-no, I can't do that to-"

"Your mother is better off without him. She'd rather you than him. Think about when he was here, your mom, did she act happier with him compared to you?"

"I-I don't know."

"I'll stick to our deal, but you're hurting yourself more preparing for him to come home."

"J-just leave it alone. Mom needs him."

"She doesn't love. You're using that as a reason to justify if you were to commit. Your mom wouldn't need you if he was there. But it's not true. She's just now getting you back, and she's happier than she has been." I just sat there, silently wishing this all went to plan. Kacchan felt my change in expression, pulling me impossibly close. He's trying to comfort me but it doesn't make it any less hard knowing I'm always the one needing the comf-

"Stop. Right now."

"Huh?"

"Why must you always bring yourself down?"

"I-I didn't say anything."

"Your eyes got dull, you started pulling away from Katsuki, it's not hard for him to pick up on behavior that happens. I'm assuming this happens often when you let your self-esteem take control."

"What was it Izu?"

"N-nothing. Why do you think it was something?"

"Lying isn't helping you in this situation Midoriya, Bakuhoe noticed it. But I also did. You shut in on yourself, and like Aato said, your eyes lose their intensity and you pull away. So what was it?"

"I-it was the fact that I need the comfort and can't help anyone. I always need the help."

"But that's not true. Think about it, Bakuhoe went close to a panic attack and who helped? You. I didn't have any friends, and I barely liked being here, me using my quirk made it worse. But here we are, friends, here and you've helped me accept my quirk. Yeah I still have negative thoughts about it but it's because nothing heals that fast."

"I started his attack."

"Stop, just fucking stop Izuku Midoriya. You aren't at fault for any of the shit happening so fucking stop turning the blame to yourself." A knock was heard on the door, causing everyone to stop. We know it's mom.

"Come in." I'm silently praying for everything to end. I've gone limp from my previous tense body language and Kacchan is holding me impossibly close.

"Good afternoon Aato, how was everything?"

"Just fine, Mrs. Midoriya. I hear you're going on a business trip?"

"Yes, my work has made it clear that my team must go. Is something wrong?"

"Not at all, Izuku did agree to try the SSRI's." I watched as her eyes lit up.

"R-really? Zu are you positive?" I can't form words so I just nod.

"Hey, Izu," Kacchan whispered in my ear, I tilt my head to show that I heard, "let me stay with you. You fear intrusive thoughts and going on this medication I know you're scared. So let me help you."

"A-alright Kacchan." I can't leave them. You can't or won't? I- Kacchan and mom need me. No you need them.

"Babe." I once again tilt my head.

"We'll talk later, your mom's leaving tonight right?" I nod.

"Auntie, what time do you leave tonight?"

"O-oh, I leave after I drop Izu off at the house. Why?"

"Zu, do you want me there tonight?" I nod once again, I know bad thoughts will come.