24. Present

"I blame myself." Callen whispered after a few seconds of silence.

"What? Cal, you're... you were such an amazing father, you have nothing to blame yourself about!" I tried to hold his gaze to that he could see I meant it with every fiber of my being but he wouldn't look at me.

"I keep thinking that maybe, because my suicide attempt didn't work and I didn't die, that... he had to. Or something." He mumbled. "And I know, I know how ridiculous it sounds Sky. But the thought has just been entertaining. I just... I want someone to blame for this."

I nodded. I understood completely because I had done the same thing to myself. "I know how you feel. But you have nothing to blame yourself about. Noah loved you. So much. And there was nothing you could have done."

"I know."

"Do you..." I hesitated. "Do you still have the videos we took on his third birthday?"

Callen nodded and got up to retrieve the CD from the shelf. It was hidden between two books.

"Can you put it on please?"

"Are you sure?" He knew how bad it would feel, how much it would break me but I needed this. I needed to see my baby boy.

"Yes. Please Callen."

He squatted down to insert the CD in the player and turned on his TV. As soon as Noah's little face appeared on the screen, I couldn't stop my tears from flowing, a chocked sound coming from my mouth. I didn't think I could cry more but nothing makes sense when you have to face the fact that your little boy is dead.

Callen was as much of a mess as I was but he wrapped his arm around me and held me tight as he hit play.

Noah's face came to life as he laughed when Callen picked him up and made him fly in his arms, holding the camera in one hand while having him secured in the other.

"Happy birthday buddy!" He exclaimed before attacking him in kisses as Noah burst out laughing from the tickles. "Come on, let's go wake up mommy."

He made him fly like Buzz Light-year all the way to what used to be our bedroom and put Noah down on our bed. Noah then wrapped his little arms around my sleeping body.

"Mommy wake up I'm three!!" He was whispering.

I moved and without warning, attacked Noah in tickles and kisses just like Callen had previously.

Noah's laugh resonated around Callen's apartment and I couldn't stop crying while smiling.

"Cal is it true that Noah is three already?" I fake-asked.

"Apparently." Callen smiled, still holding the camera.

"But he's still our little baby right?"

"I'm not a baby!" Noah complained. "I'm three!"

He held up three chubby fingers and I laughed before holding him in a bear hug. "Mommy I want cake." He complained.

"Alright, you're the king today so let's go get that cake!"

He jumped excitingly on the bed and sat back down to slide down. Once on the floor, he ran towards the kitchen clumsily and I looked over at Callen.

"We made that." I smiled.

"I know." He grinned back then lowered his head to kiss me and offered his hands to help me get up,turning the camera off right after I had gotten out of bed.