Clyde Speaks: Having an affair with a married woman?

Okay so I know most of you guys think I'm not the most... decent of guys out there, which is completely true. However, when or if I do get married I think I'll be a motherfucking faithful bastard.

So for a while I've been browsing through the internet looking for a topic. So I decide to go look through online ads and I click on the "casual meetup" section. There are literally hundreds of adverts that get posted a day from married people wanting "brief romances". Bitch, you are married, if you need a romance use your freaking hands!

Honestly, I don't understand why people have affairs.  Now I'm not talking about the people who cheat in relationships because truth is in a year or two you won't give a fuck. You should THANK them for cheating while you're still courting because then you actually have the chance to dump their ass.

I'm also not talking about the abusive husband or psychotic wife who might literally drive you to cheat; I'm talking about average married folk who feel the need to bang everyone in the whole freaking world.

Nobody held a gun to their heads and said:

"Listen you asshole, if you don't marry me I'm chopping of your ding dong?"

So why be the complete moron and do it? Why not get a divorce, free your ballsack and BOOM! You can now hump as much as you want.

I mean it's not just a 2 minute decision here; you don't like a girl's boobs and then decide to marry her. Marriage is a big fucking choice.

You should see these adverts; they were pretty pathetic and desperate.

"34 year old married guy looking for a quick f*ck"

"45 year old married woman wanting to suck your" Yeah you can complete that sentence in your head. ;)

"21 year old guy looking for cute girls. Message me on Skype. <3 Roger"

So I thought why not troll around with these married people at least maybe make them think twice about cheating anyway!

Hope you enjoy!

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First Advert:

Married male seeking erotic sensual daytime encounter with a married female. Only woman, please. No gays or bisexuals.

Not looking to change my situation or yours. Sane and discreet. Must be attractive.

 Athletic muscular body, handsome face. A sensual erotic well h*ng lover with stamina and a desire to please.

I obviously phone his as a gay guy.

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*Ring Ring*

Ben: Hello?

Clyde: Hey hun! I got your ad in---

*Dead line*

Hahaha as soon as he noticed I was a guy he cut the call.

Ten Minutes Later:

*Ring Ring*

Ben: Hello?

Clyde: So like why did you cut the call baby!

Ben: Piss off.

Clyde: Anytime! Where exactly?

Ben: Don't call me again, f*cking fag.

Clyde: I want to rub my butt on your face. (LOL.)

Ben: Don't call here again you f*cking idiot.

Clyde: I'm going to write your name all over my manly chest.

Ben: Do you want to get beat up?

Clyde: As long as you're behind.

Ben: F*cking asshole!

*Dead Line*

Hahahaha. Last call.

*Ring ring*

Ben: Listen here you f*cking bastard, f*ck off!

Clyde: (Normal Voice) Uhm this is the ****** Waterwork company. We understand that there is a problem with the water in your area?

Ben: (*weird pause*) Oh I'm so sorry. I have a stalker. Uh what problem exactly?

Clyde: Sewage. Sewage is appearing in the water. You're drinking shit.

Ben: What?

Clyde: Hey doll! Missed me?

Ben: F*cking fag!

*Dead line*

Hahaha, okay I don't think he's going to pick up anymore now. What an asshole though!

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Second Advert:

27 year old married woman, looking for a good time.
I'm pretty, fit brown hair brown eyes

Innocent looking five four 105lbs
I get off on kink
I like to be dominated
I'm into verbal degradation humiliation spankins gagging spit etc. (LOL, it's like she knew we were going to call her)

You: tall, attractive, well endowed and white (ONLY WHITE?)
Most descriptive and hottest goes to the front of the line (OH REALLY NOW?)

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Alright so she sent me a picture of herself. She looked like she was 45. Anyway I sent her one back. It was a picture I found of a random guy in a bodybuilding website.

*Ring Ring*

Lady: Hello? (She had a deep voice, like she could pass of as a man)

Clyde: Holy sh*t. Hi. How are you? Uhm, yeah. Got your add on ********. I'm the guy with the 6 pack.

Lady: Oh okay. What's your name hun?

Clyde: Roger.

Lady: Roger (Deep growl. It was a really fucked up noise she was making) Mmmm sexy. (I seriously think she was "pleasuring herself" during the conversation)

Clyde: Yeah that's me, sexy Roger.

Lady: So what you're wearing, hunk?

Clyde: A thong.

Lady: Oh you're spontaneous. I like it.  (LOL WHAT?)

Clyde: Yeah, you want to phone sex now?

Lady: Sure baby. (*Weird moaning sound*) You start.

Clyde: You're standing in my room. NAKED! BAM! Yeah I'm that fucking good at sexy talk.

Lady: Uhm okay, and? (Haha, she owned me there.)

Clyde: And I'm deciding which thong to wear.

Lady: Mmmm (*groan*) Pick a red one.

Clyde: I pick the red one. I toss it on my head and pretend it's a helmet.

Lady: Uh okay. I rub my boobs, they squish in my- (I interrupt her)

Clyde: SHH! I now act like I'm riding a motorcycle around you.

Lady: How old are you?

Clyde: I take off my pants.

Lady: Mmm yes baby, take it off.

Clyde: It's too cold. Shu!

Lady: Awh come here, I'll make you warm. I take my skirt off and show my juicy- (I interrupt her again)

Clyde: I run around the room in hysterics looking for a blanket.

Lady: What why?

Clyde: When you're cold, you're fucking cold.

Lady: (Ignores me) I put the condom on- (I interrupt her once again)

Clyde: I find the blanket. I now use it as a cape and whizz around the bed.

Lady: Uhm what's happening? (*Laugh*)

Clyde: (I start to sing) Na Na Na Na I'm Batman!

Lady: How old are you?

Clyde: I start to rub my banana.

Lady: MMM finally we're talking.

Clyde: I put the banana back in the fruit bowl and eat an apple instead.

Lady: Okay seriously? What the hell- (I interrupt her again)

Clyde: I'm freaking eating an apple. Do you have a problem?

Lady: No. I take that banana and I put it-

Clyde: SHUT UP! I whizz around the room with my underpants on my head.

Lady: What the fuck is going on?

Clyde: When people are imitating Captain Underpants you shut up and watch!

*Dead Line*

Haha. I have no freaking idea how she stayed on that long.

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Anyway I hope you liked in.

I will be seeing you guys 5 chapters later!

Clyde

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What's the worst thing people could say on a first date? Top answers appear in the Just For Pranks chapter!