From: @sixth_numero
To: @HoneybeedelSol
Sent: Sun, 02/09/2020, 09:01 AM
Subject: To the girl who rejected me countless times...

Hon,

I'm sitting on the park bench right now. I felt like I needed a break. Sobrang busy lang this week. Kailangan kong huminga. I went out for a haircut yesterday. Preparation lang para sa graduation. Medyo mahaba na rin kasi ang maitim kong buhok.

May nakikita na naman akong pinapalipad na saranggola ngayon. On my way here, may nakasalubong akong batang babae na nadapa. I tried to help her but she rejected me. Reminded me of you again.

Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang rejections na natanggap ko mula sa'yo. Ang una na pinakanaalala ko lang ay 'yong nagpunta tayong mall nina Eghart at ng tropa. Grade nine or ten ata ako no'n.

"Libre mo ba lahat, Sais?" si Eghart.

"Gago. Wala akong pera. Ubos na allowance ko."

"Bruh, inyo naman 'tong mall. Snap fingers ka lang, oks na," sabad ni Ricker hawak na 'yong branded na T-shirt. Bench.

"Major stockholder lang kami," sabi ko.

"Lang! Ampucha ni lalang lang! Sige, anak lang din ako ni Bill Gates," kantiyaw ni Eghart.

"Baka apo naman, Eg," seryosong sabad ni Aki. Napaisip tuloy si Eghart.

"Nag-chat si Anthony. Mang Inasal daw magkita for lunch," sabi mo habang nakatitig sa cellphone.

"Paksit canton! Nanaman? Mga bruh, umay na'ko sa chicken. Baka nga, ipot na ilalabas ko e," eksahiradang reklamo ni Ricker.

"Pizza hut na lang tayo. Wala ka bang bibilhin na, Hon?" I asked you.

You looked up from your phone. "Cartolinas. And some pens."

I nodded. "Okay. School supplies na tayo?"

You started typing on your phone again. "Puwede namang ako lang. Kita na lang tayo sa pizza hut."

"Samahan na kita. Nagpapabili rin kasi ng highlighter si Aireen."

You wrinkled your brows. "Aireen? 'Di ba Celine 'yon?"

"Tapos na 'yon. Aireen na ngayon," I answered nonchalantly and tried to take the phone you're holding but you immediately stepped away."Who are you texting?"

"Si Jethro," sagot mo.

Napakunot-noo ako. " 'Di ba ex mo na 'yon? Why are you texting your ex?"

"Uh. Dahil friends kami? Pakialam mo? 'Di nga kita pinapakialaman sa mga ka-fling mo."

"Wala. Let's go,"I said and ushered you out.

"Hoy bruh! Ano na? Libre na 'tong shirt? You know, isang sabi mo lang sa staff nitong mall kung sino ka. Oks na." si Ricker sabay kindat.

"Hindi. Saka na 'pag meron na akong sariling investment."

"Ay paksit," he muttered.

"You choose for me," I told you gesturing the rows of highlighter.
Tiningnan mo lang ako at umiling ka. You picked the yellow shade at dropped it in the basket I was holding. Tapos ka nang mamili ng cartolina at pens.
We were on the counter about to pay. "I'll pay for it. Pati na rin 'yang sa'yo."

"Ako na ang magbabayad ng akin. Saka sabi mo kina Ricker ubos na allowance mo."

"Meron pa. Don't worry about it," I said and was about to hand my card to the cashier.

Kinuha mo 'yong card ko. "Hindi po 'yan ate," you told her and then you faced me, "Ako ang magbabayad ng pinamili ko. Wag kang feeling galante. Pera ng parents mo 'yan."

"Galante? 'Di nga aabot ng 500 pesos 'yan," sabi ko.

You dumped the highlighter on my hand. "O 'yan. Ikaw magbayad. Akong bahala ng sa'kin."

I was rejected.

Another rejection was when I asked you to watch a movie in the cinema with me. Superman.

"Hindi ako pwede. May group project kami," you said.

"What? The whole day?"

"Yes. Gagawa kami ng short film. Exciting!"

"Sunday pwede ka na?" I insisted.

"Teka nga. Don't you have projects to do? As I recall, andami naming projects when I was in ninth grade ah."

"Sus. Projects lang 'yon. Si Aki na bahala no'n," depensa ko.

You pinched my nose. You even tiptoed because of our height difference. Hanggang balikat lang kita.

"Parasite!"

"So ano, Hon, Sunday?"

"It's a no for me," you confidently said and walked out the school hallway.

I was left behind. Rejected.

Napakarami pang rejections ang natanggap ko pagkatapos no'n. Naintindihan ko naman. Minsan naiinis ako. Minsan naman nagtatampo sa'yo.

Hanggang sa nangyari ang pagtanggi mo na kauna-unahang nasaktan talaga ako.

It was on the same park bench where I am sitting right now as I write this email to you.

"Let's not be friends anymore," I said full of determination. I was eighteen then.

You were crossing your arms while leaning on the bench. "Ang OA, Sais ha. Nag-away lang tayo kahapon 'di mo na'ko friend? Parang bata."

"Gawin mo akong boyfriend mo."

Napaawang ang labi mo at paulit-ulit kang kumurap. It took you some minutes to recover. "You're crazy."

"Gusto lang maging boyfriend mo, baliw na agad?"

You sharply turned to me. "No."

"Bakit? Wala ka namang boyfriend sa Maynila ngayon ah." I asked. Trying to make sense.

"Because...because, you're Sixth!"

"Your reason of rejecting me doesn't make any sense, Honey." I  calmly stated.

You shook your head. "Ayoko. Hindi pwede. Friends lang tayo."

I groaned. A bit frustrated."Ayoko nga no'n."

"Hoy. Hindi porque't pogi ka, pwede ka nang magreklamo sa pambabasted ko ha." You stood up and was about to leave me.

Mabilis kong hinawakan ang braso mo dahilan para mapatayo na rin ako. "Hon..."

"Kulit, Sais! No nga."

Pinadausdos ko ang kamay ko sa kamay ko at pinagsiklop 'to. "Think about it first. Hmm?"

You massaged your temple. Probably acting like you were thinking. "Hmmm. It's still a no."

"Bakit nga?"

"I'm two years older than you! At kaibigan lang ang tingin ko sa'yo," you reasoned and unclasped our hands.

"Now that's just bullshit. Kapag mas matanda 'yong lalaki okay lang? Pero ilang tanda lang ng babae hindi na?"

"Sixth..."

"Alam ko may nararamdaman ka rin para sa'kin, Hon."

Nag-iwas ka ng tingin at umiling. "I'm sorry. Basted ka."

You walked away. I was left behind. Rejected. Pero hindi ako tumigil sa sumunod na mga araw. I pursued you the entire two months of summer vacation. Tinarayan mo naman ako.

Kinulit kita nang kinulit. Saka lang ako tumigil nang naging akin ka na. Pinaghirapan kita. Pero sa huli pala, sasaktan lang din.

Sometimes, I would wonder. What if hindi kita kinulit noon? What if nirespeto ko na lang 'yong desisyon mo at naging kuntento na lang? But every time I do this, I would always end up hating myself more. Ang kapal ko kasi. What if I didn't do that one mistake? What if I didn't fucking cheat on you?

Siguro, tayo pa rin. Hindi mo nga ako magiging boyfriend pero 'di ka naman mawawala sa'kin.

-Sixth-