It's in that moment Louis feels like his younger self being pulled into a strong rip in the ocean. He feels like he's pulled under the water and unable to breathe. That's the type of terror that has overcome him as he stares at the man that ruined his entire life. His father was the pure embodiment of rage as he stares at Louis, shoulders square and hands shaking.
Troy was dressed in a long sleeved navy blue button up business shirt, black pants and pointed leather shoes. His coat is clenched in one hand.
When no one responds to his question, he starts on Louis. He tries to walk forward but Johannah places a gentle hand on his chest. He stares at her through his beady eyes.

"Honey. He's just come to visit, it's been a long time."

"He isn't allowed in the house, I told him if I ever saw him again I'd kill him. I can't believe he has the nerve to show up here! And you let him in!"

Louis swallows, his head swimming and body weak. He needs to say something now or he may as well forever hold his peace.

"I was coming to visit the girls, I owe them that much,"

"Don't you dare speak to me, you filthy prick," His father basically spits in his direction

Louis can feel the anger that is building, the anger and pain this man had inflicted all these years was going to lead to this moment. Where Louis can finally stand up for himself as a grown man and not a lost little boy.

"You don't know anything about me. You don't know who I've become. So how can you still treat me like this?" Louis speaks carefully. He doesn't want the girls to hear this. He doesn't want them to deal with it again.

"Look at you. Nothing about you has changed. You're still pathetic and you don't look any different to who you were,"

"You wouldn't know anything," Louis retorts

"Troy, you need to give him a chance. A lot of things have changed since then," Johannah tries to reason

"Fine. Tell me. It won't change anything," Troy crosses his arms and rolls his eyes

"I'm a school teacher, I've been dating a girl for 2 years. I'm having a successful life and I'm starting to become who I've always wanted to be,"

Troy's face falters slightly as he takes in Louis' words. Louis knows there is no word in the English language that expresses the feeling that overwhelms him when he's proved his dad wrong.

"What happened to your disgusting other fling?"

"It wasn't a fling. We were together for a long time but we had to go our separate ways. I was too emotionally damaged,"

"You emotionally damaged? Get over yourself," Troy scoffs and Louis raises an eyebrow. There's no way he can keep himself calm now.

"Excuse me? you're telling me I'm not psychologically damaged? I spent years of my life being abused, traumatised by your disgusting ethics. I was taught to be something I wish I never was. I am psychologically fucked up for the rest of my life because you were a terrible, abusive, alcoholic of a father," Louis is seething now, his entire body visibly shaking

"You were psychologically fucked up the minute you thought having a boyfriend was morally okay." Troy shoots back

Louis has to swallow the bile that is forming heavy at the back of his throat. He's shaking with anxiety and rage and he can't keep this up for much longer.

"I learnt. You taught me that it was wrong okay? I am in a relationship with a girl. What else do you want me to do? I just want to be fucking happy!" Louis yells, losing his cool completely

"Louis. You will never learn that it is wrong. I can just tell by looking at you what you are. I can't be in this house while you're here. Johannah I'm going to the pub to drink. I want him gone by the morning. I don't want to see him or hear his name. It makes me sick,"

Troy turns to Johannah as he finishes his sentence and she weakly nods. He quickly throws on his coat and leaves the house, slamming the front door shut loud.

"How could you?" Louis speaks as soon as the echoing of the door slamming has passed

His mother turns to him, her eyes drained and skin pale. She looks worn out, drained and so old. She looks so done. Louis doesn't give a fuck.

"I was going to tell you..."

"How could you ever possibly break it to me that you were back with him!"

"I love him, you wouldn't understand," Johannah sighs

"What's so hard to understand here?! I've been in love before but he fucking ruined everything. He ruined every aspect of my life. You said that you loved me more than anything but you chose the man that fucking beat your only son!" Louis' voice starts to rise. He doesn't care if the girls hear him now.

"I didn't choose him!"

"You didn't even tell me you guys had broken up! If you had really chosen me. You would have told me that it was over. We'd have a relationship and I'd have a relationship with my fucking sisters! But no. You waited for him to come back and you couldn't even tell me!"

"Louis! You don't understand anything!"

"No! You don't understand anything! You're dating an abuser. A fucking piece of shit that finds enjoyment abusing kids over their sexuality!"

"He doesn't abuse them. And he doesn't find enjoyment out of it either! How dare you."

"What else would you define screaming, manipulating, pushing, bashing and emotionally traumatising? Why would he laugh when I cried? That's someone who enjoys abusing! Open your eyes!"

Louis screaming now, his eyes watering and throat burning from shouting. His mother can't reply. Because she knows Louis is right.  Louis knows that he will never come back here again. This will probably be the last time he sees his sisters and mother until that man is dead. That's the sad reality of this all. He needs to just not be in this room right now. He looks at his mother with disgust and storms past her and up the stairs. He's on his way to the room that provided him solace in his darkest days. His bedroom. However, on the way, his sister pokes her head around her door. Lottie's blue eyes are wide and filled with tears.

"Lou..?" She whispers

Louis stops in his tracks and immediately walks towards Lottie. She lets Louis in. Louis can't cry nows. Every part of his being is screaming for him to go into his bedroom and just cry but he needs to be here for her. They need someone because he never did.

"Why are you crying?"

"I just don't like the yelling. It scares me. I don't want dad to hurt you again,"

Louis has to physically clench his jaw to prevent himself from crying on the spot. He pulls Charlotte into a tight hug, kissing the top of her head and attempting to tell her everything will be okay.

"He won't hurt me again okay? We just don't agree on some things,"

"Louis. If you really are gay, don't let dad's judgement cloud that. You are your own person," Charlotte sniffles

"I'm-ugh. I'm not gay Char. There was a lot of complications in my teenage years but I'm okay now. I just don't like being treated bad,"

"Louis. If you weren't gay why did you date Sam for so long? I used to cover you when you'd sneak out to see him. I'd caught you kissing a few times. You know me. I won't tell a soul. Your secret is safe with me,"

Louis frowns and shakes his head. This is too uncomfortable for him.

"I'm dating a girl called Eleanor now so it's not what you think. I may have liked guys in the past but I'm not that person anymore. I don't ever want to go through that again. I'm happy with who I am now,"

"Are you who you really want to be?"

"Yes," Louis nods

Charlotte raises an eyebrow and smirks to herself.

"Promise me?"

Louis clenches his jaw and takes a deep breath. He hates lying.

"I promise you Charlotte,"

-----

It's 6am and Louis has had barely a wink of sleep. He has had probably 2 hours sleep which was broken into short increments throughout the night. He's laying in the bedroom which he once called his own, however the dark blue walls are painted to a sickly white. Everything is almost white, besides the occasional blue pillow or ornament. Louis feels like he's laying in the room of a mental asylum. But it's 6am and the day is just starting. The birds are chirping loud and extremely annoying and the sun is rising on the horizon. But the only sound Louis hears is his fathers car pulling up at the front. He really doesn't have the strength to move. If his dad was going to kill him, Louis would just let him right now.

He has never felt this terrible in his entire life. His nightmares are so intense, he wakes up unable to breathe and covered in a thick layer of sweat. The feeling of pain still lingers well after he's woken up too. Louis needs to drink before these emotions become so out of control he just loses himself. So he waits. He stares at the white ceiling, listening as the front door shuts. He hears his fathers footsteps slowly moving up the stairs. It's a true let down to Louis, when his fathers steps stop before the bedroom. Louis knows his dad is going to bed. This would be the perfect time to escape, but would his family ever forgive him for it? Probably not.
The genius idea of finding pen and paper crosses his mind and he's up and searching. It takes a fair while before he finds what he needs but spends a solid chunk of time writing carefully to his mother and the girls.
It's 7am and Louis is silently leaving the house. His letter had been gently pushed under Lottie's door. He's careful when he leaves, making sure there isn't a sound that would wake up the house.
He spends a few seconds looking back at the house and saying his goodbyes. It's heartbreaking to realise, but he knows he will never be coming back here again.

Dear Mum and Girls,

I'm sorry I left without a real goodbye. I know I really owe it to you after all these years. I don't think I'd be able to stomach it if I had to watch your faces as I said goodbye again. I couldn't sleep last night. It kept me up for hours. I'm sorry I'm a terrible excuse of a son and a brother.
Mum. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to be the best son in the world and I'm sorry there were things about me that ruined a lot of things for this family. But thank you for being you. I love you so much. I'm going to miss you. More than anything.
Girls.
I'm sorry. I don't think I can say sorry enough for not being the big brother you all need. I wish I could be around and watch you all grow but I physically can't. I want you all to know how much I love you and how important each of you are to me. I don't think I'll be coming back. It's just better for everyone to live as a happy family. My presence really disrupts your happy home.
I'm going to miss you all, so damn much. I promise you I will love you forever.
Goodbye.
Louis.

---

When Louis finds himself sitting on bar stool with his best friend pouring him giant glass of vodka, he know's that he's going to end the day in a pile of his own vomit and numbness. Which is exactly what he's going for.
It took a lot of convincing but here he is, sitting in a dark, unopened bar, drinking with the person he considers his best friend for life.
The bar was closed today but Louis was able to get in anyway. The news is playing in the background which just adds to the depressing mood. But Nate is refusing to put on the music channel at 9am in the morning.
Louis in the back of his head realises that Eleanor will get the psychologists on his case, and he may get himself into a lot of trouble but at this moment, he really couldn't give a fuck.
That's until the simplest of texts makes his entire world crumble. He has to stare at his phone for a minute, trying to stop the shaking of his hands. His mouth running dry and the urge to vomit is strong.

"Nate. I need you to do me a favour,"

"What now?" Nate groans

Louis throws his phone at Nate, who surprisingly catches it.

Harry: help me