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𝙏𝙒𝙀𝙉𝙏𝙔 𝙎𝙀𝙑𝙀𝙉. 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴.


2020. kth - 23. jjk - 18.

Taehyung is boring holes into his packed suitcase, he doesn't even remember when he finished it, how his closet is suddenly empty, or how he had laid out his boarding pass and passport on his desk. 

Apart from those things, his room looked exactly how it had when he first arrived. Like it belonged to 18-year-old Taehyung who was excitedly getting ready to leave for college. 

It seems like a lifetime ago now. He's going to be returning to his life abroad, leaving this part of him behind.

Leaving Jeongguk behind. 

He has managed to stop himself from looking out the window over to the house next door, knowing that he would only drown himself in a million questions and what-ifs. Meanwhile, the only person who resided in that house was some hollow shell that had the same name as someone whom Taehyung once knew. 

It all felt wrong. Leaving him. Giving up on him. 

Over the past few weeks, Taehyung had been so confident, so hopeful that Jeongguk was getting better, that there was a chance that he could get back on his feet and become the person he always wanted to be. 

It just seems like a pitiful dream now, an escape from reality.

Taehyung can't forget that Jeongguk would go so far as to threaten people's lives in exchange for money. He had scared Seokjin half to death, and completely traumatised him.

How can Taehyung look past something like that? Why does his heart so desperately want to believe that Jeongguk is a good person, when he so clearly wasn't acting like one? 

Taehyung struggled with loss for such a long time. He had witnessed how excited his family was for their second child, how they had celebrated when they discovered Taehyung's mother was pregnant, how they let Taehyung help paint the walls pink in the nursery when they found out the baby was a girl, and how they smiled in complete bliss when they held her for the first time. 

He witnessed how they cried and fell apart when they realised their precious baby wasn't breathing anymore. 

He watched as his mother blamed herself for leaving the room, for thinking that being gone for two minutes wouldn't have any consequences. 

But Taehyung knew whose fault it really was. He was lying on the couch, playing with some stupid toy in his hands, with his sister snuggled up against him. He only became aware that she had slipped away and fallen off the couch when he heard the sound of her little body coming in contact with the floor. 

Something inside him stopped him from looking over at her, he continued lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. He was terrified. 

His sister wasn't making a sound.

At first, in deep grief and sorrow, his parents would yell and lash out, asking him why he didn't keep an eye on her, why he didn't hold onto her, why he didn't immediately get someone after she fell.

It was only when they started to get better that they told him it wasn't his fault. But the guilt had already settled, it was deep-rooted into his core and he knew he was never going to be able to completely shake it off. 

Still, he pushed through life and tried directing his guilt to treat the people in his life better. When Jeongguk appeared it felt like this was Taehyung's chance to prove to his sister that he would never allow what happened to her, to happen to anyone else in his life again. He was going to protect his family and his friends, and he would never fail anyone again. 

Taehyung thinks of the words that Jeongguk said to him.

"Stop fucking replacing her with me!"

He's always thought that he was doing good by taking on a responsible role in Jeongguk's life, but maybe he was wrong. 

Maybe that's not what Jeongguk needed at the time. He had his parents, he had soccer, and he was young and enjoying life. Yet Taehyung inserted himself as if Jeongguk wouldn't survive without him. He was unnecessary.

And then when Jeongguk actually needed someone to guide him, when he truly needed him, Taehyung decided that he was done being responsible for him and left. 

The truth starts to sink in as Taehyung realises that he has never been good to Jeongguk. He used the younger to make himself feel better, to soothe his guilt, and to act like a saint, but he never actually did anything for Jeongguk. 

Then he returned, and instead of prioritizing Jeongguk's health, Taehyung became selfish and fell in love. He became unnecessary again. 

Jeongguk didn't need a lover right now, not when his life and grief were already as messed up and confusing as it is. 

He really just needs help.

Taehyung makes his decision. Instead of wallowing himself in guilt, like he always has, he was going to make the right choices now. 

He wasn't going to lay still and silent, waiting for someone else to discover the problem and to deal with it. He was going to face it, no matter how scared and hurt he was, he was going to save Jeongguk. 

He ran out of the house, grabbing a bike to take to town. He was going to try his best to set things right.



⛓️ ⛓️ ⛓️




Jeongguk scrapes his boots along the pavement as he paces in front of Taehyung's house. He knew that the older was leaving soon, and even though he tried stopping himself, he wanted to say a better goodbye than the one they had. 

He knows it's extremely selfish, but a part of him wants Taehyung to never forget about him. The last five years were so painful, he felt like everyone had just erased his existence. Taehyung has been the only one to look at him, talk to him, and touch him in a way that makes him feel like he's alive

For that reason alone, Jeongguk was preparing himself to face the older despite their ugly fight the day before. But he just wanted Taehyung to look at him for the last time, give him that high of feeling real. 

He yearned for it. 

He couldn't stall any longer. Sungjae was harassing him with spam texts and calls, it was only a matter of time before he showed up at his house.

Suddenly finding the courage, he walked up to the porch and knocked on the front door. He fiddled nervously with his fingers, tracing over his tiger tattoo. The door opened to reveal Taehyung's mother. 

"Hello." Jeongguk gave a slight bow. "I just wanted... to say goodbye to Hyung." His voice broke and he started to tug at his lip piercing as he avoided her gaze. He knew that this woman wasn't very fond of him anymore. 

"Jeongguk..." She sighed. "Taehyung isn't here right now. I don't know if you'll catch him before his flight leaves."

"Ah..." He scratched the back of his head. "Do you know... When he will be back?" 

Her eyes narrowed down at him.

"I'm not sure." She stated firmly. "Besides, you tend to make Taehyung second-guess himself."

She paused and Jeongguk shifted his weight.

"What I'm trying to say... I would appreciate it if you didn't hold him back." She clarified, looking at him honestly.

Jeongguk swallowed down the lump in his throat. He knew that he was an obstacle, he was getting in the way of Taehyung's bright future. 

The selfish desire he felt earlier quickly melted away in shame. He doesn't deserve to have Taehyung's gaze, his words, or his touch, and definitely doesn't deserve to have a piece of his heart.

How could he have been so greedy to wish for a permanent space in Taehyung's mind? After all, he was nothing more than a burden, someone who had complicated Taehyung's life and never provided anything but misery to him.

He should let him go in peace. At least once, he should do something for Taehyung. 

"Yeah. I understand." He pauses, wondering if he should be honest with her. Maybe it was best to leave things this way, with her hating him. 

But when he looks into her eyes, his mouth opens reflexively and his words tumble out. 

"I... Thank you for everything, and I'm sorry." 

He walked down the porch, stopping in his tracks halfway through the front yard.

Ultimately he decides to keep walking, not turning back around. He feels Taehyung's mother's gaze lingering on him. 

He brings out his phone, the notifications of thirty missed calls from Sungjae popping on his screen along with dozens of texts. 

He shuts his phone off and walks into his house. 




⛓️ ⛓️ ⛓️




"I'm back." Taehyung calls out as the front door shuts behind him. He throws his shoes off and hurries towards his bedroom with the intention of finishing up his plans. However, as he passes by the kitchen, he finds his mother sitting down at the table, elbow propped up on the table and head in her hand. 

She looks deep in thought.

"Mom?" He asks. She smiles weekly at him.

"Hi honey..." 

His brow dips in concern at her soft voice.

"Is everything alright?" 

She bites down on her lip, her finger nervously twisting her wedding band.

"It's just... Jeongguk was here earlier."

"He was?" Taehyung looks out the window over to the house immediately, his heart subconsciously skipping a beat. Why had he been here? Did he want to apologise for yesterday? Make things right? 

"Yes..." His mother also re-directs her gaze out onto Jeongguk's house, it was visible how the gears were turning in her head. Taehyung waited for her to continue. In the end, she sighed in defeat and turned back to face her son. "Taehyung, I think you should go over there and... make sure that Jeongguk is alright."

This time, Taehyung's heart rate escalates in anxiety. The way his mother was looking at him was causing alarm bells to go off in his head.

"Mom, what do you mean?" He chokes out. "What did you say to him?"

"It's not... Has he been, feeling okay? I just..." She turns away from Taehyung, eyes glossing over. "I just felt like I recognised that look he had." She starts becoming more stressed with every word.

"Taehyung please, go check on him. I have a bad feeling."

He couldn't move, the same fear that he felt when his sister had slipped from the couch was grounding his feet down onto the floor. 

No, he wasn't going to be still. He had to move.

After the first step, running became easy. Suddenly he was through his front door.

He jumped the fence and sprinted across the yard.

He tried yanking Jeongguk's door open.

His stomach plummeted.

The door was locked.



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i apologise for the decrease in quality. ultimately I just want to finish the story for those who are still waiting for it, but yeah its been so long so its just bad now ahah

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