DURK

My fans think that life has gotten easier the more money I've made, or the more famous I've become. But that is just too far from the truth. Over the years, it started to look like life was throwing shit in my way strategically and accurately. I started to doubt what I believed in for so long and had to understand that the universe was putting in work that I had no control over. Or so I thought.

    For days I was couped up in my design studio, sewing and what not. So high off them percs, I damn near cut myself with my rotary knife. It's amazing how I was able to be productive all while being half sleep. I just wanted to be numb. I had so much shit occupying space in my sober mind, I couldn't think straight. At least with a fuzzy one, I was able to focus on creating. And possibly sleep. Sleep was something I hadn't got around to yet.

    No. I didn't want to talk to anyone. No. I didn't want to go anywhere. All I wanted to do was what I needed to, and the show was the only obligation I had. Mona was having a moment with her team to rewrite a few storylines, I assumed. So, I didn't plan on hearing much from her at the time. It was just me, myself, and designing. Oh, and Percocet.

    Niggas like me don't bother themselves with emotional issues. Niggas like me don't trip over things that shouldn't matter. Niggas like me shouldn't be scrambling to find things to avoid the problems they're facing. Niggas like me are above shit like this. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't be hibernating due to fear of what's outside. I shouldn't have to put my phone on Do Not Disturb so that I don't feel the need to check my phone. I shouldn't be tender over a woman who I shouldn't have any feelings for. I should've been planning a wedding with the woman I love. Yet, I was on some other shit.

    Knock! Knock! Kn-knock! Knock! Knock!

    In the middle of me pushing denim through my sewing machine, I hear Vinnie's signature knock. I ignored him for a few minutes as the beating continued. Just when I thought he was done, I heard him beating some more.

    "Nigga, I know you in there!" he said. "Open the door!"

    After another five minutes, I sighed and shoved all my finished pieces into a tote. I gathered as much fabric as I could and hid it under a table.

    "What?" I spoke. He walked past me as I opened the door.

    "You been MIA for damn near 2 weeks, What the hell you doing in here? Nigga is you sewing?"

    "Why are you here?" I said, shaking my head at the fact that I forgot to cover my sewing machine.

    "Nah, since when do you design clothes?" he said. He picked up a piece of fabric I had pushed in a corner and a dress dropped to the ground.

    "Yo, stop touching shit!" I spoke. I picked up the lavender tulle dress and checked for damages before holding it close to my chest. I took a deep breath and hung the dress on a rack.

    "So, Royale got you making her wedding dress?" He said with a laugh. "Tuh, I knew she had you sprung but not like this."

    "Nah, man. I didn't make this for Royale." I rubbed the mesh fabric in place.

    "Then who?" He said. I gave him a look and the confusion wiped off his face. He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.

    "A wedding dress, though?"

    "It's not a wedding dress. It's a gown." I said. "If you wanna keep cracking jokes, you can get the fuck out."

    "Aye, I'm just trying to understand all of this. One minute, you this drill rapper. The next, you making dresses and shit. There gotta be something I'm missing."

    "The fuck is you trynna say?"

    "Bro, chill!" He said, raising his hand in surrender. "It's not even like that. I'm being forreal. Like, Nigga. Is you okay? Not on some funny shit. I really wanna know what's got you hiding, lashing out, proposing to bitches and making dresses."

    "Watch ya mouth-"

    "Cool, you don't gotta talk. But listen," he said. He pulled a chair and sat at my desk. "It's foul how Caly did you, but I promise you this her get back. One thing I know for sure is shorty was feeling you. If she felt like that two weeks ago, ain't shit changed today. You had her looking stupid, now look where you at. You gotta think, bro."

    "All I been doing is thinking, I'm tired."

    "You need to make a choice."

    "I did, then all this shit happened."

    "Nah, nigga you been straddling the fence since you met her."

    "I can't do Royale like that. I-"

    "Man listen. And, hear me when I say this. FUCK Royale." He said without a blink. "What yo heart say?"

    "Pshh!"

    "Nah, forreal. We grown now. We dealing with grown man shit. What yo heart say?"

    "It say that all this shit was for nothing. All of it. That connection I thought I had with London, the relationship I think I still have with Royale, and this façade I gotta keep up so that nobody know how I feel about all of it."

    "Why you so scared to be a real ass nigga and say how you really feel?"

    "I got too much to lose."

    "Lose what? Yo happiness?" He pulled out a ring and set it on the desk. "See this? Ion care bout shit if I can't find a woman worthy enough to wear this ring. I got the money, I got the cars, my house, my kids and they mommas are straight, and our momma is eating regardless. My career comes after all that shit, but its decent too. I don't have to want for nothing, so I can prioritize the things that was irrelevant when I was broke. My girl? She can't be my wife just cause she stuck it out with me through the mud. I need a woman who meets every standard, cancels out every flaw and nourishes everything that I have. I'm talking bout, Grown. Man. Shit."

    "Damn, who raised you?" I said with a chuckle.

    "I'm serious, D."

    "I hear you."

    "Then, what do yo heart say?"

    "That I fucked up something good before it started. Something that I needed in my life. Feels like I lost someone that I loved." I said. I sighed and shook my head to avoid tearing up. "We had a connection I wasn't used to, and I didn't want to lose it. I went about it wrong, and it came off like I was ashamed of her or something. I was scared what we had was a fantasy, cause we were both escaping the shit we were avoiding when we was together. But that first night we met was like euphoria... Shit, you had to be there to know. It felt like some spiritual type shit. Like, the full moon was out and stars aligned type shit. I could feel her and I knew what she was thinking. It was wild. I mean, once we fucked it was like our souls was one at that point. But its almost like we grew apart the longer she was here in Chicago. All hell broke loose, and she done ran back to her nigga. I'm not tripping bout her making that decision, but I still feel like we was rocking different than this. Ion like being in this position. I lowkey feel broken. Shit crazy."

    "Wow... I didn't know it was that deep." He said. He put his ring back into his pocket and leaned forward. "What you wanna do about it? Cause barricading yourself in here ain't gone work, and reminiscing won't either."

    "I just wanna talk to her, alone. Knowing her, she won't let me get that close without hiding behind that nigga."

    "Say less, I'll take care of arranging that for you. Just let me know when."

    Talking to my brother brought me some sort of clarity. I was now able the accept the fact that I wanted more in life. I wasn't ready to settle for comfort and familiarity. Those few moments with Caly brought out a side of me I didn't know was there and I wanted to explore it. The fact that our time was cut off so short was a complete dissatisfaction. Which created an urge to pursue her, like an itch I couldn't scratch.

    I'd go home to my family and be grateful that they're still here. But deep down I knew where I wanted to be. Entering the front door I'm greeting my loving fiancé, but I can't look her in the eye. I give her a kiss, but there is not spark as I thought there was before. The one thing that remains the same is my love for my beautiful daughter, India. Then, I see her innocence. She wouldn't deserve a broken home, nor a dysfunctional one. I'd have to be a better man in order to be the best father for her and her siblings. Which puts me back in the place that I started from. What do I do?

    Ms. Wright left before I could even have a seat on the couch with India in my arms. Royale paid her with cash from her purse as she walked out the door. Then, Royale wrapped her hair into a bonnet and began cleaning the kitchen. I checked the time on my phone that read 6:00pm, then I look around the house while still holding my baby. India eyes are lit up and ready to explore, but I'm wondering why the fuck this house look the same way it did a week ago.

    "Why do we have a nanny? I said as I walked into the kitchen. Royale poured bleach into her dish water, causing me to step back out into the living room.

    "To watch India when we're busy, Duh. Why?"

    "When we busy or you busy? Cause you good for getting busy after she leave. And, why she always leaving when I get home? You don't think I got shit to do too?"

    "You're never here, the least you can do is take over once you get home. You can shower, shit, shave when she's sleep. Relax, it's call being a Dad." She said. She scrubbed the dishes aggressively as she reached into the steaming hot dishwater that turned her hands red to retrieve them.

    "From the looks of it, you don't be here yourself. Why the fuck you hire a nanny if you not gone clean up the house? You should've just hired a maid."

    "I don't want nobody else cleaning my shit."

    "Royale, you got one job. Take care of home and I got you. If you're not doing that then.."

    "Then, what?!" she said. She cut off the water and wiped her hands. "Huh? I'm useless? Boy, you got some damn nerve. Outta all the shit I put up with dealing with you, ion say a word. You got bitches thinking they up next for my spot even when I'm the one with the ring. I should throw this ring in yo face, you must really think I'm stupid."

    "What is wrong with you? What that gotta do with you not cleaning up the house? Why you always worried about other bitches?"

    "No, why are YOU always worried about other bitches?!"

    "Lower your voice around my daughter, I'm not yelling at you. And I'm not bout to argue with you over some dumb ass shit. Especially not with that ring still being on YOUR finger."

    "Tuh, I'd take this ring off so muhfucking fast my finger coming with it. Don't test me, Durk. I am not one of yo side bitches who shuts up just because it's good for me."

    "I couldn't have a side bitch if I wanted to. You so damn insecure, Ion even like taking you to my momma's house. Fix that shit, fast. I'm with you, I chose you when I had options. Be grateful a mothafucka even loved you enough to propose to you. You worried about a side bitch and you need to be worried about being the woman that I need. You wanna get married? Act like it!"

    "Grateful?"

    "Yes, grateful. Look where you at. You swear I'm worried about all these other bitches, but its only you standing in my house, sleeping in my bed, eating my food, driving in my cars, wearing my clothes and wearing my ring. Where is these other bitches at now? You in competition with yourself, slow down before you lose me."

    "HA! Boy, you ain't going nowhere. Always talking out the side of ya neck. As if I don't know when you lying to me. Better check that shit." She shook her head and turned the water back on. "Slow down... Tuh, you ain't got too many strikes left with me."

    "London, I-"

    "Wrong bitch." She said as she pointed her finger at me. She turned the water off again and just started washing every dish she could at maximum speed. I tried to walk away but she gave me a look that made be stop in my tracks. "Who the fuck is London?"

    "I don't know what you-"

    "Durk, don't play with me. You know what? Forget about it. You wash the fucking dishes!" she said as she slammed a fork into the dish water and stormed out the kitchen.

    "Welcome to the Breakfast Club, its ya boy DJ Envy. We got my girl Angela Yee and the homie Charlamagne Tha God. Our special guest this morning is Lil Durk. Say something to the people, Durk." DJ Envy announced. I had been dodging this interview for weeks, but Shawn wasn't letting up on me.

    "Wassup, It's ya boy Durkio Smurkio, the voice of the streets."

    "I like how you're always real laid back and chill." Angela said.

    "Yeah, that's the best way to be." I said.

    "You wouldn't expect that from your music. You sound real gangsta in your music." Charlamagne said.

    "Yo, Charlamagne the feds, bro." I said with a laugh.

    "So, how's the new music coming along? I saw that you were working on something big with your new artist. What's her name? Uhh.." Envy said.

    "Cali, like California, I think." Angela said.

    "Yeah, I think it's Caly Ohio." Charlamagne said. Envy laughed. "Or Caly Detroit, sum like that."

    "Her name is Caly Michigan." I said. "But I ain't been in the studio lately. I been working on something bigger. I can't say just yet but my city gone know why they call me the voice."

    "I'm looking forward to finding out what that is. I'm personally a fan. I really like how you always shouting out your girl in your songs. I think that's so sweet. Congratulations on the engagement, by the way." Angela said.

    "Thank you," I said.

    "Do you ever throw that in her face when ya'll argue? Like, use it as an excuse for her to not be mad at you?" Charlamagne said.

    "Nah, when she mad don't shit work forreal. As you can see." I said.

    "Yeah, I seen how she recorded herself on live when she broke into your hotel room. What was the story behind that?" Envy said.

    "He was flirting with Caly Ohio on live the night before." Charlamagne said.

    "Charlamagne, you got one more time. And I'm out this bitch." I said.

    "You were, though. The story behind that live is that you were on live with Caly in Ohio. Correct?" he said.

    "Nigga, who the fuck is you talking to?" I said. I turned towards him to stand up but Shawn signaled me to stop through the window.

    "Why do you think you get emotional when people ask you about that situation?" Angela said.

    "It's not me getting emotional-"

    "Then what is it?" Charlamagne pressed. I sat for a minute as I stared at him. It took everything in me to not put my hands on him. He laughed nervously and continued to challenge me by staring back.

    "Is this what y'all brought me here for?" I said as I looked around. They all were drooling and thirsty for drama that had nothing to do with them. Exposing myself to them wouldn't do anything but give them good ratings and make me feel worse about my situation. "Alright, fuck it. Fish."

    "I think I speak for the fans when I say that we wanna know what really happened in ohio, what is going on with this woman Caly." Angela said. I took a deep breath, so tempted to tell the truth.

    "What happened was blown out of proportion. Yes, I did meet up with Caly that night. Yes, some things happened that shouldn't have. But, No. I did not cheat on Royale. We had a good time. We rode around, ate food, listened to music, drank, we even meditated. It was a very spiritual and calming experience. Honestly." I said. I exhaled heavily and shook my head cause I know I'm telling on myself. But I can't lie. It feels good to let it go.

    "Wait, so there was some truth in what has been said by Royale and Slim already?" Envy said.

    "The issue is I haven't been honest. Not with myself, not with the people around me, the fans, not even Caly or my fiancé." I said. I started to bite my tongue, but I realized the truth is way past due. Although I knew those people in front of me were just looking for drama, I believed my fans deserved the truth. I believed that I deserved to vulnerable at a time that I felt my lowest. So, I sang. "Because of it, I hurt the two women that I love."

    "Two?" Charlamagne said.

    "My fiancé, she knows already. She's not crazy and she isn't stupid. I tried to overcompensate for being dishonest by putting her on a pedestal. I even allow her to express her anger and pain about the situation any way she pleases. But I was too much of a coward tell her how I really feel."

    "And how do you feel?" Angela said.

    "Royale is my rock. She's my ride or die. I was eatin' struggle meals with her... But London?"

    "Who's London?" Charlamagne said.

    "London is Caly's real name."

    "So, y'all two have gotten really close over the past month?" Envy said.

    "Mm..." I rubbed my chin as I thought about the best way for me to express myself. "As of right now, we are not on the best of terms. Due to all the stress she's under. I will say that I am to blame for a lot of it, and I acknowledge that. But..." I pause again. It was hard not to ramble; I wasn't about pour my heart out over the radio. I wanted to get the chance to do that in person. "Where I went wrong was, I promised to protect her, and I didn't in the way that she needed it. I turned a blind eye whenever she was disrespected over the internet or in person by my fiancé. I'd leave her to deal with everything alone while I had her stashed away. I even let it get so far as everyone thinking she's my side chick when we haven't even established the connection we have. That woman is innocent. She ain't done no harm to nobody. I refuse to allow the narrative of shame on her to continue to be pushed. She doesn't deserve it."

    "So, you're saying that-"

    "I'm saying exactly what I just said. And with that, I am done talking about the issue." I said.

    A few days after the Breakfast Club interview, I decided to spend more time with my family. I was still using my free time to design clothes, but I needed to get out of the depressive state I was in. I was on a journey of learning how to be honest with myself. And until I was able to get Caly alone to talk, I had to occupy my time with other things that matter.

    One day, I took my kids and my momma out to the Carnival. The same one Caly and I shared a ride on the Ferris wheel. The paparazzi never failed to miss an opportunity to catch a glimpse of me, so I usually try to ignore the feeling of being watched. But that day didn't feel right.

    While I'm riding on the carousel with my daughter, I notice a familiar car. A black Chrysler 200. Now, I'm not the paranoid type like my brother. But I know when my spirit is telling me something. I think back to how many times I had seen this car in the last month. Then I think about the places where I see it.

    As the ride comes to a stop, the car begins to drive off. I continue to stare. Then, I get a clear view of the driver. Before he rolls his window up, he takes one last look at me. Only this time, we saw each other. Bingo.

ROYALE

    I was tired of being angry. I was losing interest in things I once had the energy for. I finally got the hint that something wasn't right with me when I couldn't bring myself care for India anymore. Mrs. Wright was over more often, and I had completely stopped breastfeeding. Durk and I barely saw each other, and I was at home lesser each day. I was burned out. So, I found a therapist.

    Therapy was slow the first few sessions, I was too afraid to open. But after watching Durk's interview on The Breakfast Club, I broke. I had so much built up inside of me, it just came right out.

    "I can't marry him." I said. I squeezed the soft pillow that was sitting on my lap.

    "Have you told him that?" Dr. Lim, my therapist, said.

    "No. We don't talk much about anything anymore."

    "Well, how do you expect to work things out or at least tell him your doubts if you two don't talk?"

    "I don't know. I can't even look him in the eye anymore." I said as I shook my head.

    "Have you considered marriage counseling?"

    "I can't even get him to be trustworthy, what makes you think I can get him to talk to a counselor?"

    "I don't think anything, I'm just looking for ways to help. That's all. Do you still love him?"

    "It's the only reason I'm so hurt that he'd betray me like this."

    "When things started going left, is there anything you could've done that would prevent the way you feel right now?"

    "I guess I wouldn't had made everything so public. But at the time, I felt like he already did that."

    "Do you think you're self-conscious about what others think of you?"

    "I don't give a damn what people think about me, I just don't want a man out here making me look stupid in front of the entire world. Cause now you playing with me."

    "Is that how you feel now, stupid?"

    "I must be, I let him play me this whole time. He out here playing captain save a hoe for a bitch he just met on live. When I been breaking bread with him since day one. There's not soul on this earth that can tell me bout my nigga. But over night I become the one person who knows the least. You tell me how the fuck that would make you feel? Huh?"

    "Royale you have every right to feel however you please. But don't blame yourself for his mistake by taking responsibility for the pain he's caused you."

    "I still have the lil purple hair tie scrunchie thing. It's been sitting on my dresser ever since I got back from Ohio. Every time I see it, I'm reminded of her..."

    "The other woman?"

    "Caly, muthafucking Michigan. Or he likes to say, London." I said and then I scoffed. "He called me by her name once."

    "And what did you do?"

    "I walked away, and I cried." I said. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to avoid tearing up again. "Like a baby."

    "How did it make you feel when he called you by her name?"

    "Sad, stupid, angry."

    "Why?"

    "Because it confirmed everything I knew. He's in love with her. He doesn't me anymore. I can control what he does in my presence, but I can't control how he feels. I'm fed up."

    After a long session with my therapist, I gained some insight. About myself and my relationship. I realized that I was going to be depressed the longer I avoided my issues with Durk. I was so focused on controlling his relations with other bitches, that I was erasing the one that we had. In hindsight, I never intended to play myself like that. When you lose control, you lose the control you had.

    I went out with Megan to one of her club appearances, she invited Herb & Bibby. I wasn't ready to be faced with the one secret I kept from my therapist. But, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't happy to see him. Herb wasn't like Durk, he was real rugged, yet playful. Besides how fine that man is, I admired how secure he made me feel. To him, I was the prize. I was the catch. I was the one. And, only.

    By the time Herb showed up, Meg and I was twerking in the VIP section. Halfway tipsy and loose as a goose. Bibby had already been there, so him and Meg were doing their single thing in between our dancing.

    "Why you not dancing?!" I said. I grabbed Herb's hands and put them on my hips as I swayed them. He pulled them away.

    "What's been up with you?" Herb said in my ear.

    "What you mean?!" I shouted over the loud music. I laughed as I bent over and jiggled my ass on him. He lifted me up by my arm.

    "One minute you avoiding me, now you trynna freak on me in public. I can't have you playing like that. Is you fucking with me or not?!" My back was up against the wall by this time. He had me pinned. The liquor in me had me turned on, but I felt what he said. I couldn't get a word to escape my lips, Herb's eyes saw right through me. He knew what I wanted. He just wanted to hear me say it. But I wasn't ready yet. So, he left the club.

VINNIE

    If I had to tell you when I knew shit was about to take a turn for the worst, it would be the time all my niggas started dropping like flies. I could feel that niggas was watching me. It was only a matter of time before I would have to put in some action.

    My trigger finger was itching for them Ohio niggas, so I been waiting for the perfect opportunity to get active. Especially after Durk told me about Slim following him around. It was only a matter of time that that nigga Rodney showed his face. Then, I would be there to leave him lying where he stood.

    My fate was sealed when I was woken up to someone beating on my door. I could hear my windows rattling from all the banging. Still a little dazed, I rush to the living room and check my peephole.

    "Bae. what the fuck?" I said. A bloodied and bruised Bria stood in front of me as she trembled and cried.

    "Rodney tried to kill me!" she said. She fell into my arms, and I pulled her inside.

    "Where is he? And how the fuck did you get here?"

    "I don't know, I drove..."

    "You drove six hours like this?! Why didn't you call me as soon as it happened?"

    "I don't know, I was scared! He tried to strangle me with my own belt!"     I embraced her and gave her a kiss on her neck. My heart was racing and I didn't want to let her go.

    "You live here now; do you hear me?" I said. She nodded her head and held onto me tight. "Imma take care of this. Don't you worry."

    I catered to her cuts and bruises, then we shared a bath. I could tell she was in her head about the situation so the best I could do was console her. After the bath, we laid in bed. I rubbed her back as she laid on my chest.

    "Do you feel safe here, or do you want to be put up somewhere else? I'll do whatever makes you comfortable" I said.

    "I'm safe whenever I'm with you. That's why I'm here and nowhere else. If this is too much for you, I can leave. I don't wanna be a burden." she said softly. I placed a kiss on her head and smiled.

    "I been telling you for as long as I can remember that I want you right here. I can carry the weight of both our burdens, baby. Just relax."

    "Why are you so good to me?"

    "Because I love you." I said. Without hesitation. She didn't respond, but she didn't have to. The way her tense body relaxed in my arms was all the confirmation I need that she felt the same. With that, I drifted back to sleep.

    The next morning, I rolled over onto an empty bed. Startled by the discovery, I jumped up. Once again dazed, I went on a search for Bria. She was in the living room, passed out on the couch. I picked up the smell of bleach and pine sol. My carpet appeared to be vacuumed and not a thing was out of place like it was before last night. All my dishes were clean, and the oven was warming the perfect plate of breakfast. I was in awe. I walked over to the couch and lifted Bria up, then I carried her to the bed. I gave her a kiss on her forehead before covering her up.

    "I love you," I whispered as I walked into the kitchen to eat what she prepared for me.

🌻🌻🌻
Y'all miss me?

Let's take a vote:

Who y'all favorite character?

Durk(❤️)

Caly(💜)

Vinnie(💙)

Royale(💛)

Bria(💚)

Slim(🤎)

Wiz(🧡)

Megan(🖤)

Herb(🤍)

Shawn(❤️‍🔥)

Let me know why they're your favorite😘