Carmen stared at herself in the bathroom's mirror, resisting the urge to flop down on her bed and never get back up. She sighed tiredly, tugging at the seams of her black sweater and running her hand through her newly shortened auburn hair. She'd asked Ivy to cut it just under her shoulder blades, like it had been during her stay with VILE. It was still longer than Black Sheep's had been, but much shorter than she'd gotten used to keeping it as Carmen Sandiego. She couldn't put it up herself -for obvious reasons- and had opted to just clip it back with a small hair pin.

Giving a heartbroken smile to her reflection, the thief rested her hand on the mirror and closed her eyes tightly. Today was going to be hard -no, more like awful- and she was eager to get it over with. Eager to just take her sleeping pill and go to bed.

"Carm? Want help with your hair?" Ivy's voice spoke from outside the door, soft and almost motherly.

Carmen sucked in a deep breath and plastered a small smile over her lips, pushing against the door handle and stepping back out. "That'd be great, thank you."

Ivy frowned, suspicion and worry fighting each other in her indigo eyes. "You sure you're up for this? One of us is always willing to go with you, Carm. It might help to have some support."

She shook her head, snagging a hair brush off of the counter and a hair band. Ivy followed her to the couch, and they settled on the cushions with Carmen's back to her friend.

"And you're sure you're gonna be OK today?" Ivy asked quietly, plucking the pins from the thief's hair and swiftly running the brush through it before gathering it into her fingers.

"I'll be fine," Carmen lied, offering the black band for the Bostonian to take. "And besides, Shadowsan will be joining me eventually."

Ivy sighed, dropping the topic momentarily to pull the auburn curls into a loose pony tail, keeping some of the strands out to frame her face. "You know, I think I did a pretty good job with your trim yesterday, if I do say so myself."

The thief gave a soft laugh, feeling the smallest piece of the weight on her heart lift. "You really did. Maybe one day I'll want it back down to my waist, but until then, the change is nice." She stopped, and the two sat in comfortable silence for a moment before Carmen turned her head. "Thank you, Ivy."

The red head smiled sadly, giving her a tight hug. "Of course, Carmen," she whispered. "Now, you just need to take your medicine, right? And then you'll be off?"

"Yeah, and I'll grab my shoes on the way out."

"Okay. Why don't you do that, and I'll get the pill and a glass of water?" Ivy stood, helping Carmen to do the same before heading to the kitchen.

She watched her go, sighing and turning towards the door of the warehouse. Her black combat boots sat waiting for her, next to a black umbrella. She couldn't drive with only one hand, and her friends had decided to respect her request of being alone today, so she would walk in the rain to her destination.

"One step at a time," she muttered to herself, slipping her socked feet into her sturdy shoes and stuffing the laces into them as well. No point in trying to tie them.

"Here," Ivy said, coming up with a cup of water and a small medicine pill.

Carmen murmured a quiet 'thank you' and threw her head back, popping the pill in and then accepting the glass to down its contents. Ivy took it back, then gave her another hug before the thief could leave. Zack quickly joined it, then Shadowsan, and Carmen had a feeling that had Player been able to come a few days early, he would've dove right in, too.

"Take care, Carm," Zack whispered, squeezing her good hand and taking a moment to adjust her sling before stepping back. "Don't catch a cold out there, kay? I don't think your fever needs a friend."

"Of course," she said, letting a soft smile curl her lips. Ivy gave her yet another hug, then handed her the umbrella.

"We're always here for you," she repeated sadly.

The thief could only nod with the tears threatening in her throat. Shadowsan noticed this, but didn't say anything, only laying his hand on her shoulder.

"I will join you soon, Carmen."

"I know," she choked out, leaning into his hand when he brushed away a small rebel tear. "Thank you."

He nodded, then opened the door for her, and she stepped out into the rain.

The cemetery wasn't far, but Carmen found herself walking slowly and even stopping randomly, if only to stall. She knew that there wasn't actually a grave stone for Coach Brunt there, but somehow that fact only made her journey worse. She had time to mull over her past hardship, and found herself thinking back to the older woman's last words to her, the last time she had ever spoken and would ever speak again.

"Oh, no, you don't," Brunt growled as she backhanded me across the stomach, sending me crumbling to the ground.

I screamed as fire erupted along the wounds on my abdomen, fresh blood warming my shirt and skin. A cough forced its way up my throat, and it rattled my body as Brunt grabbed my shoulders and hefted me into the air.

Carmen winced at the memory. Everything had been so hazy when she was trying to get away. There was too much pain, too much anger, for her to possibly even have the chance of thinking straight.

"You've done enough damage for one visit, Lambkins. I'll just have to make sure you can't do that ever again." She lowered my face down to mine, green eyes glinting with malice. "Did you ever wonder why you were suddenly so much better at fighting just now, Sandiego?"

I could only cough and swallow the blood in my mouth.

There had been too much confusion, too much roaring in her ears.

Brunt's voice lowered even further into something soft and dark and terrifying. "We didn't just take your memories," she whispered. "We gave you new ones. You'll never know what to trust anymore. Not your friends, not the world around you, not yourself."

I gritted my teeth as I tried to register what Brunt was saying, but the pain and the anger were both too much. So instead I just lifted the crackle rod I'd managed to hold onto and turned its dial to the highest setting.

And she'd shot.

She shot because it was really the only thing she could do. Kill, or be killed. Hurt, or be hurt. But now... the entire scene was still a muddled mess. Carmen knew that she had heard Coach say something about her memories.

Something that scared her enough to kill the person telling it to her.

Carmen could only hope that it would all come back with time, because there were still scenes in her head that didn't line up with everything else.

It didn't make sense that she'd been at that cafe in Sydney with Gray twice. She remembered the whole conversation with Player, she remembered walking away. And yet there was still a bright, vivid night in her mind of her sitting down with him and talking.

That couldn't be right.

And what about when she crashed her motorcycle after getting drunk at two in the morning? That piece defiantly didn't fit.

For one, her bike was fine, last she saw it. And she didn't drink.

Had she really bought rice bowls for Zack and Ivy in Indonesia? That could be a dream for all she knew. And why had she left VILE if she had passed her final exams, right along with the rest of her class?

Because you didn't pass.

Carmen stopped, glancing around. It was just her and the cold, drizzling rain.

Then why was she so sure of what she'd just heard?

Shivering, she continued on, shifting her grip on the umbrella's handle. Not passing made sense, oddly enough. She could picture an entire conversation she'd had with Gray after- wait, why was she calling him Gray? Graham had hated nicknames.

No no no, that wasn't right either.

He was definitely Gray. He'd had to correct her every time she accidentally called him that because he couldn't remember...

Just like her, in a way.

So obviously, I can't even trust my own brain right now.

She suddenly perked. Yes, that was it! VILE had given her memories as well, that's what Brunt had said. She remembered now, when she'd overdosed that night, she had been wondering why she'd even done that in the first place, and it was because... VILE had done something to her that changed what she knew, how she thought.

Carmen frowned down at a puddle, toeing the water lightly. A headache was working it's way through her skull, pounding and beating like there was no tomorrow. She groaned as it suddenly spiked, dropping the umbrella to massage her temples. Rain water battered her, dripping down her face and freezing her exposed skin before thawing again.

The pain subsided quickly, and she whimpered as she tried to recall what she'd been thinking about just moments before.

Nothing.

Giving a tired sigh, Carmen scooped up the dark umbrella off of the soaking ground and hefted it over her shoulder, continuing her walk. A sense of major déjà vu had settled over her, and she would just have to hope that she'd remember her previous train of thought. It had felt important, something about... her own head.

Weird, and oddly terrifying, she mused.

That when I try to think about remembering, I can't remember.

The cemetery came into view, and Carmen froze as she took it in. Dark gray headstones lined a cobblestone path that led farther into the grounds, starting at the opening of the intricately detailed black gates and making its way through the rain and soaking grass. It was gloomy and depressing, but Carmen supposed that was fitting.

Granted, she'd much rather be visiting her mother's grave in South America than the non-existing one of Coach Brunt, but-

Wait, but my mother's not dead.

Carmen forced down the rising panic in her gut, promising herself to come back to it later as she looked for a side entrance to come in through. It was farther than she'd expected, and the hems of her pants had gathered dew and rain water from the unkept grass. Too tired to feel even a little annoyed, she walked slowly through the cemetery on a different, smaller path, glancing around for an empty area, void of headstones. 

The rain had slowed to a light, piercing drizzle, and she lowered her umbrella to fold it back up. It beat glumly against her already damp hair, dripping softly down her neck. She shivered, hugging her limp arm to her chest, and sped up her pace ever so slightly.

The less time she spent here, the better.

Spotting a vacant plot of green, Carmen stopped to look at before heading over. It was small but looked about big enough to hold a grave of its own.

It wouldn't be big enough to hold someone as burly as Coach Brunt.

The thought must have been the trigger for a hidden and unknown breaking point, because Carmen dropped to her knees, the umbrella thumping dully down besides her. She doubled over with a sharp gasp, her right elbow planted in the wet ground as tears pricked her gray-blue eyes. Water instantly seeped into her sweater, but she didn't have the strength to care.

She had killed her.

Why should she care about anything?

Carmen gave in to the unbearable weight squeezing her chest, gasping for air as stinging sobs racked her body and shook her to the ground. She curled up on her side, clinging to herself as the trauma of what she'd done rolled through her.

She had ended the life of another.

And it had been the person who she had once seen as her mother-figure.

There really was no healing for her, was there?

A warm hand in her shoulder jolted her from the living nightmare that was her breakdown, and she threw open her eyes to sputter and attempt to jolt to her feet. Shadowsan grasped her shoulders, holding her to him as she flailed in surprise.

"Sshh, Carmen, it's just me. It's OK, please, deep breaths."

She sucked in a lungful as he instructed, leaning into his arms with a deep shudder. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she whimpered, shivering. "You weren't supposed to see me l-like this."

Shadowsan just buried her dripping form further into his embrace, holding her tightly and tucking wet strands of hair behind her ear. "It's ok, Carmen. I'm here."

"Please don't tell them. Please," she begged, covering her face best she could with just one hand. "This would hurt them so much. Please. Zack and-and Ivy, they, they can't... it would break... I don't want to hurt them... anymore."

Shadowsan closed his eyes, rocking the two of them back and forth gently under the softening rain. "I won't," he choked out. "So long as you let me help you. Promise me, Carmen. Promise that you'll let me help you."

She bit back a wail, clinging to her father figure as he helped her to stand.

"Let's go home, Carmen. Staying here any longer will only hurt you."

With trembling fingers, the young thief grabbed her umbrella from the grass and allowed herself to be pulled away from the empty ground. "I'm sorry," she whispered, stopping to bow her head for a second. "I'm sorry that you hurt me so much. And I'm sorry that in the end I had to hurt you."

Shadowsan gave a sad smile, resting another hand on her shoulder. "I would say that she knows, Carmen, but I feel that you don't care. So trust me when I say that I know you are not a killer, just as I am not."

She blinked up at him, tears blurring her tired eyes. "Maybe you know, or you think you know," Carmen rasped. "But that does not mean that I know or believe." With those words, she felt a piece of herself slip away, as if it had never been. Carmen knew this. And she'd never be the same.

Shadowsan seemed to realize this too, because he wrapped her in a hug. "I am so sorry, Carmen. I promise I will do all in my power to help you." His breath caught, and he seemed to be biting back tears of his own. "Now please, let's go home."

And so they did.

END OF BOOK ONE

Ha ha, don't worry, there's more coming just hold tight.