16 September, 2014

-Kait

Dr. Hill told me that I have to write my feeling down in a journal. I'm not sure why but I have an idea that it's because writing is a source of healing. I have trouble healing over what happened that night. I see it again in my dreams every night and no matter how hard I try to push it away I can't. It's haunting me and won't leave me alone to my own thoughts. What makes things worse is that everyone around me is always asking me if i'm okay, as if they are obligate to feel some sort of pity for me. I'm tired of feeling pitied for, I don't want to be the girl everyone feels sorry for anymore.

I think about you everyday and hope that someday I can tell you this all in person one day. I hope someday one day it won't be so hard without you.

-Rowan

Putting away the leather bound journal I checked the clock realizing it was time once again to see Dr. Hill. This week had been a little more with work and events that had been planned like dinner with my parents. They had been extra worried about me this week and in conclusion invited me to dinner. Though I had no desire to go and sit through a lecture of a dinner I accepted the invite or rather demand that I come and enjoy dinner with our broken family. Family dinners were never the same, always lacking the presence of Kait.

The streets of Portland blossomed with variations of reds and oranges. The trees showing off the colors of autumn everyone found beautiful. The crunching of leaves sounded beneath the tan booties I had chosen to wear in the fall season. A scarf wrapped around my neck and pea coat wrapping around my body to conserve heat.

Sitting down in the same spot I always did Dr. Hill greeted me with a smile rummaging through her filing cabinet to find my file I assumed.

"How has this week been?" Dr. Hill began walking over and finding her seat in the chair she sat in across from me.

"Fine I guess." I shrugged not in the mood to really discuss my problems.

"I guess? That doesn't sound too convincing. How about we start off with the journaling, how is that going?" Dr. Hill crossed her leg over the other opening up her notes that she had taken in the previous session.

"It's fine, I actually don't mind it." I said honestly thinking back to the quiet time I had writing away whatever came to mind.

"That's great to hear! I'm glad it's beneficial to you. I just wanted to touch on what we were getting into last time. You have or feel like you are responsible for what happened to Kait. What makes you think this way, why do you think you are responsible?" Dr. Hill pushed on some reading glasses to better see the information in front of her. Her chocolate brown hair neatly straightened with  slight curls at the ends.

I sat for a moment deciding what I should reveal and what I should keep to myself. "If I wouldn't have said yes, it never would have happened. I knew we shouldn't have been doing what we were doing but I didn't care and neither did she. I should've known better and I ignored what was right."

"You can't keep blaming yourself Rowan because, if you wouldn't have said yes Kait would have gone by herself. We all knew Kait and we know that whatever Kait wanted she got. If it weren't you who said yes to her she would have gone out on her own."

"But I knew that we weren't allowed to go out and I ignored that. I was older than her and I should have known better than to disobey house rules." I looked back at Kait and our age difference. I was twenty last year while she was nineteen, we were a mere year apart.

"Rowan, you think you were in control of the whole situation but you weren't. Yes you can take responsibility for breaking the house rules but what happened after that was not in your control. Others around you can be unpredictable and there's nothing we can do about that. You didn't know by sneaking out of the house that what happened would happen." Dr. Hill took off her glasses and placed them on the coffee table uncrossing her legs to lean her elbow on her knees. Her dark brown eyes concentrated on me as I looked down into my lap.

"If-" I began but was stopped by Dr. Hill as if she already knew what I was about to rebutt.

"No more what ifs. We can't dwell on ifs anymore. We have to look forward and accept the past for what it is, I know that this going to be a long and hard road but I'm going to help you make the journey through it." Dr. Hill stood up looking at her watch seeing that our session was in fact over. "I want you to continue journaling because it has been beneficial to you. Keep doing what you're doing and we can talk about it next week alright?"

"Okay, thank you." I waved goodbye heading out to the nippy autumn air. A thought crossing my mind as I walked past the small shops awaiting business. This time last week I had stumbled upon "The Hideout Cafe", the cafe I had met the boy behind the counter; Harry. He had written his number on the coffee cup to which I copied it into my contacts in case of future use.

Walking a little further I came into contact with the small quaint shop once again with no hesitation as I entered hearing the small ring of the bell on the door. Eyes wandering around the shop I realized who I was searching for, that curly haired boy with emerald green eyes that illuminated his smile. Finding him I looked down quickly hiding the smile that was spreading over my lips instantly.

"Hey it's you again." Harry's dimples carved into his cheeks as I looked up seeing his smile.

"It is, I was impressed with my coffee so much I thought I would come back." I told him but I knew I was lying to myself. Whether I was willing to admit it or not curiosity of Harry drew me back in here. I had secretly hoped he would be working.

"Are you sure it wasn't me you were impressed with?" He raised an eyebrow playfully causing me to blush like an idiot.

"No!" I denied hoping he didn't see the pink that was painted on my cheeks from embarrassment.

"Did you get my note?" Harry asked while I looked back up at him.

"It wasn't much of a note, a note would entail words but, I did enjoy your drawing skills." I told him watching for the expression on his face.

"I knew you would-" Harry was cut short by a voice in the back.

"Harry stop chatting up the customers." A more mature voice from the back told him as he than went on to give that person a smirk. "I mean it." i could hear the slight giggle in the girl's voice.

"What can I get you then if you aren't here for me?" Harry asked as I then giggled at him.

"Can I get a Vanilla latte with a shot of caramel creamer?" I asked him watching his expression widen. "What?" I giggled at his expression.

"I'm just glad to know you have a better taste in coffee than I originally thought." He said putting the order onto the cup.

"Would you give it a rest? Plus you can't deny their deliciousness despite their popularity or as you call it basicness." I cross my arms across my chest looking at him with a sarcastic expression. "I bet you've never even tasted one before!" I poked.

"I don't need to taste one, I have everyone to describe it for me." He paused his writing looking up at me. "You didn't even tell me your name!"

"Surely I must have told you my name, you probably forgot what it was and are trying to get me to tell you again." I knew this trick all too well because I used this strategy often since I was no good with names.

"You've never told me your name! I would've remember after all, I did give you my number." Harry awaited for me to respond with my name.

"It's Rowan." I say to him watching his lips curl up into a smile.

"So Rowan do you have a surname?" Harry asked handing the cup back to the same girl that made my coffee last time.

"No I'm just called Rowan." I answered knowing that there was no way I was telling him my surname. Everyone knew who I was after I told them my surname, my family's name was all over the news.

"So you are just called Rowan? Nothing but Rowan?" Harry teases me with a cheeky grin.

"What's wrong with just Rowan?"

"Is it because you think it's embarrassing?"

"No, I'm not embarrassed I just don't go giving out my personal information to shop boys I only have met twice." I think on my feet of what to say to Harry who began to tease me.

"The shop boy has a name, it's Harry Styles."

"Well I'm glad that I now know a little bit more about you. We learn something new everyday!" I gave him a smile that he soon frowned at.

"I think you like to be a mystery just Rowan." Harry commented ringing my total up for the coffee.

"Maybe I do." I handed him my card while taking my coffee and feeling the warm liquid inside. Regaining my card I said my goodbyes to Harry.

"See you later Harry Styles." I glanced at him before I saw him wave.

"See yah, just Rowan." I shake my head rolling my eyes as I begin walking in the direction of my parents house.

Song/ Autumn Leaves: Ed Sheeran
Another new chapter! The update for this book will be Sunday's and Wednesday's! Please comment and vote if you enjoyed!