6 November 2014

Kait-

I'm so confused it seems as though nothing is clear between Harry and I. One minute he wants to kiss me and the next he pulls away and regrets it all. Leaving without ever talking about it again, like it had never even happened. Maybe I should forget about it too but I can't, because part of me doesn't want to. He sat with me on the rooftop and told me that he used to go up there whenever he lost sight of things and how that now that he had me he had come up there less often. I tried to get him to open up to me about his reasoning on why he doesn't think love exists but he couldn't. I should just drop all of this and erase all the other feelings I have developed for him but somehow its harder then it sounds. I don't want to let this go but I know it's only for the best. I don't want to risk Harry and I.

I'm happy with him and I won't give that up for a silly feeling that made itself known over time. After all the pure fact that I could love him is silly anyway. No one could possibly love a girl as broken as I have become. I am fragile like a glass doll, I'm a light weight and easy to break. I could understand if Harry didn't want to pick up that tape roll and begin to put me back together, it's a big job not many find appealing. I'm not worth the work that has to go into me and maybe I will never be but I'm not a fortune teller or psychic. The future is unknown to all and maybe with a little more time I can show Harry what love feels like.

-Rowan

"Can I ask you something?" I asked Dr. Hill in our Thursday session that I went to every week at the same time.

"Anything." Dr. Hill responded.

"How do you know your in love with someone?" My question was innocent to her and she laughed a small laughed looking for an answer to give.

"I think you just know, it feels like something you have never felt before. Do you love someone?" The Doctor turned the question back on me.

"I don't know. I want to think I haven't but I think deep down I have. This wasn't ever supposed to happen between the two of us but it did and I don't know what to do to get rid of it." I thought of all the ways I could fall out of what I was in but they were all irrational and ended in me not having Harry at al in my life.

"You know what Rowan, I know this is not what you want to hear but just a couple of months ago we would have never even thought about having this conversation. You were in a place where you were in no condition to love anyone and now that you're telling me all this it means you're healing. You're making progress and even though you see this as a bad thing that you have fallen when you haven't shows signs that you're moving on and ready to love again. It may not be ideal or the right timing but you have opened yourself up again and are making so much progress." I listened intently taking in everything that Dr. Hill had to say.

She was right, the fact that I had even brought up the topic of love shows that I have opened up to Harry more then I had even thought. I didn't realize the big steps I had taken meeting Harry and making him part of my life. A few months ago I would have never even thought for a second about loving someone because I simply was capable of it. I was a broken doll that was being band aided. I was now talking about and feeling love for someone else and even though it scared me and maybe wasn't the right timing I had come far from where I once stood.

"I just don't know what to do about it. I don't know if he feels the same way and I don't want to lose him. I can't handle losing anyone else but with him... I feel like..." I tried to come up with the proper feeling I felt but couldn't out my finger on it.

"This is going to feel foreign to you at first but thats okay. It's okay to feel confused because you have never felt like this before, and I know you don't want to lose anyone else but Rowan that's life. People are going to come in and out of your life and some for the better and some for the worst but we have to cope with that. I know you hate losing people and have issues with losing everyone around you but that's just the reality of things. I will help you cope when things like that happen but for now live in the moment and don't worry about the possible loss. Live every moment like it's your last one with him."

Before I knew it the session was over and I was left a little lighter. I had opened up to Dr. Hill about my confusion with Harry. I had opened up to her about how despite my feelings for him I didn't want to him like I had Kait. I couldn't take the blame for losing someone else in my life.

+

"Let's go." Harry spoke while we laid in the floor of my apartment staring up at the ceiling.

"Where?" I asked him keeping my eyes up at the ceiling while Hardy turned his head to look at me.

"Niall has a cabin up in the Tillamook. We can stay there for a few days." He was quick to make plans.

"I don't know." I breathed finally looking over at his green eyes that begged me.

"You can take work off can't you? We can just pack up and leave. Get out of the city." He convinced touching my hair that flared out over the rug in the floor.

"I've never left Portland before." I admitted but, he already knew this. I had told him when we played twenty questions in the park.

"It's only an hour away. Come on Row, let's go." I pressed on me wanting me to go on a getaway with him.

This was the first time he had called me by a nickname. I went by Row often from my family and Elena but never had Harry called me this. My heart smiles no matter how corny that sounds.

"Have you even asked Niall?" I questioned Harry making him think about things before we just up and left.

"Niall doesn't care." Harry scoffed at me as if I should know this.

"Harry..." Stress built up thinking about me leaving the city I had kept myself captive in.

"Rowan, come with me. I promise you I will keep you safe." He reassured me touching my cheek once we both sat up sitting across from each other.

Casting me eyes down I nodded slowly. "Okay." I heaved in a breath meeting his gaze and watching him light up.

"We better get packing then!" He jumped up pulling me to my feet along with him.

Merry Christmas my friends! I hope you all had an amazing holiday season and all your wishes came true;)

If you do celebrate Christmas what did you get? Let me know!