MANIK MALHOTRA

It was a little past midnight. I was perched on my balcony couch, staring at the non-breezy night sky. I was super alert and kept glancing at my phone - anytime now, I was expecting some news. As I waited, my mind drifted to today morning, when I woke up. An age old habit of early morning free-hand exercises, wakes me up early every morning - no matter how late I sleep.

I woke up to find myself in Nandini's bedroom. At first I was shocked, and looked around for signs of her beside me - thankfully she wasn't there. I got up from the bed cautiously and peeped into the other bedroom - there she lay sleeping peacefully. I quietly crept back to my room and looked around, making myself familiar with the surroundings. She had a nice four poster bed beside a big window overlooking her backyard. The room was soft pink in colour and had a huge wall-to-wall shelf stacked with all the books imaginable. Next to the shelf was a double door wardrobe, each door was marked with brightly coloured sparkly alphabet stickers. The right door read "Nandz" and the left door read "Princess Aliya" - I laughed at their childhood exploits. I was about to turn, when my wrist bands caught the handle to Aliya's side of the wardrobe door and pulled it open, among the few clothes of hers that were stacked in this nearly empty wardrobe, I found a stack of my early days poster, music CDs, concert tickets. So Aliya was my fan. I saw that she had autographed all my bare bodied posters with "Property of Mrs. Rockstar - Aliya M" - I already like this girl. Then my eyes fell on a photo album titled, Princess Aliya's memories. I hesitated once, but then what was the harm in going through an innocent childhood's photo album I reasoned. As I went through the photos, there were random memories of their childhood - Nandini, Aliya, their parents, cousins, friends and the sorts - the album painted a happy image of their family in my mind - Nandz seemed like she belonged here, but the Nandini who lived in this house, didn't seem to fit in this frame - grim, quiet, boring and diminutive - these weren't terms that described the Murthy's it seemed.

Then when I turned around and spotted the bedside table - I saw a small tray with a neat pile of tablet containers. I slowly walked towards it - that is when the warm feeling inside me disappeared and my smile froze.

Nandini had a few drugs by her bedside table, which implied she used it often. There were three kinds of them - sedative pills, anti-depressant pills and anti-anxiety pills. I stared at the bottles aghast. This was what remained of the Nandz I just saw in those photos? These were her survival aids? I freaked out - after last night, I was sure I had lost her, and I wasn't going to make a scene about it - but now I saw the manifold worse reality - Nandini was losing herself too - this I couldn't let happen. Sitting on her bed with my head buried in my hand, I realized, I have to get her back - I can't lose Nandini, because if I did, in no time, she will lose herself. So, if not for my selfish sake, at least for her sake, I have to give this one more shot - I have to win Nandini back. I softly went to her room and caressed her head, she seemed oblivious to my touch, and I recollected her words from last night. It wasn't going to be easy. I knew it was going to be gradual - until then? I needed someone to take care of her and keep me informed. Hence I called up my personal domestic aid - Robin.

***

As I stood in the balcony recollecting the morning's memory, my phone finally rang.

"Yes Robin, did you check on her? Is she in bed?"

"Yes, sir. She is in bed. And before going to bed, she asked me to get a glass of water. I got it, and she went for the medicine tray. But as you instructed, I have emptied them. When she found it empty, she asked me if I touched them. I answered in negative. She then got out of bed, opened her wardrobe, and pulled out more from her stock. Then she took the medicines, gave me the glass, and shut her bedroom door."

I hung up in distress. It meant they weren't emergency medicines. Nandini took them regularly. I realized, keeping a tap of her medication this way was going to be impossible. I had to hatch a plan.

***

It was a Sunday, I was driving down to Nandini's fast. It had been five days since that night's incident and we hadn't been in touch since then, but today Robin had called to inform me that she had fainted, and he was trying to revive her. Had this been truly out of the blue, I would have had a series of mini cardiac arrests by the time I reached her - but it was my doing. I had previously made Robin replace her medicines with harmless light dosage fainting drugs.

When I reached her place, she was slowly gaining consciousness, and Robin was helping her to bed. She looked at me surprised. Then she looked inquiringly at Robin.

"Sorry didi, I had no one else's contact number. I got scared" pleaded Robin and then he left. Nandini was blissfully unaware of the charade around her. I went by her bed as she lay down. My eyes fell on the medicine tray, I was about to reach for them, when Nandini stopped me. She requested me to help her out of her bedroom, she needed fresh air - I realized she was keeping me away from her tablets - I played along.

Later I got a doctor to check on her, he was a part of the charade too. He came and told her that she was extremely weak and needed to take care of her health and diet, and she also needed a week's rest from work. Nandini was being very stubborn when daadi entered her house. She looked at me surprised, when daadi introduced herself to her, and said that she had come to check on her. I told her that Robin had called Ramu kaka who informed me of her health, and he informed the same to daadi too, hence she was here. When daadi heard what the doctor had said, she was not happy about the fact that Nandini stayed on her own at her place. She requested Nandini to move to our house till she was fine. Nandini was shell shocked at the idea and kept refusing, but somehow she couldn't say no to daadi finally.

The first part of my plan had worked, now she would be under my surveillance. I would make sure she never needed those pathetic pills for survival again. On the whole, I felt a little more hopeful at that point, with daadi by my side, I felt, maybe I could win back her trust too. I just needed her trust - otherwise I knew my Nandini loved me too.

***

It's been two days, since Nandini moved to my house. She was staying in the guestroom. When Robin was packing her things before leaving for our house, as per my instructions, he made sure that none of her stock of medications were packed. As for the ones she carried herself, at the first opportunity, I got them disposed. The staff was given clear instructions that if Nandini ever instructed anyone to get her medicines, they should enquire with me before getting her.

One thing I noticed, ever since she moved in was, she seldom left her room - she always kept to herself. Of course, she didn't want to see my face, so in her wakeful hours I seldom visited her - I used to find out about her from the staff. I wished daadi was living with us, but after shifting Nandini to our house, daadi had gone back to Mukti's. My sister had just delivered a baby boy - daadi was helping her adjust to motherhood. I knew if daadi was around, Nandini would have opened up - this I knew because daadi called her every day to enquire about her health and those few minutes, she would be happily talking with her.

One more trouble was, Nandini's condition wasn't improving. In fact after a few days, it seemed she was weaker, more exhausted and lower in morale than ever - this disturbed me and I had decided to send her to the doctor the next day - however, it was that night I truly realized how severe her condition was.

It was past midnight. I was in my bedroom, refining a tune I recently developed. When there was a sharp knock on my door.

"Yes?"

The door opened, it was a very worried looking Robin.

"What's wrong Robin?" I enquired.

"Sir, it's Nandini didi. I think we should give her medicine. She can't manage without them tonight" I realized something was seriously wrong judging by his voice and expression and at once made my way towards Nandini's room.

I knocked on her door, but there was no response. I motioned Robin to stay outside, and I entered her room. It was dark, and she was sitting on the centre of her bed, clutching her knees to her chest and resting her head on her knees - she didn't look up when I entered. She assumed it was Robin.

"Robin, did you manage to get those medicines of mine? I hope you didn't bother Manik? You got it right, please fetch me a glass of water and give me the medicines, will you?" her voice was shaking and I could tell she was crying. I was shocked to see the mess she was in - I was stupefied on the spot. I couldn't move a muscle in despair - but I found the strength and walked up to her.

"Nandini?" I whispered softly, and her head shot up at once. She looked like she got scared to see me there in place of Robin. She hurriedly rubbed her tears, and tried to calm down. Then she looked at me, and asked with whatever amount of grace she could muster.

"Manik, I needed a few medicines. I don't know why your staff refuses to get them. Can you ask them to get it for me, please?" she pleaded, and a part of me felt like giving her whatever she wanted. I wish I could describe how hard it was to refuse anything to her fast falling apart, weak, fragile pleading figure.

"Since when do you need sedatives, antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills Nandini?" I asked calmly, holding her shoulders to steady her trembling frame. She just stared at my question in dismay for a long time, before answering.

"So, you know. So you asked them not to." She paused for a bit, and again the desperation was back, "Manik, please understand, I need them now. I will die without them. I beg of you. I will explain everything later" she pleaded.

"Nandini you don't need them. You can manage, like you have managed this entire week." I whispered as I pulled her struggling body to a tight embrace. I could feel her entire frame shivering as she let go of all inhibitions and sobbed in my arms.

"Manik I didn't manage" she screamed. "Manik, I haven't slept one bit in five nights now." She screamed in agony - "I have passed out in exhaustion, but never slept Manik. I have considered suicide a hundred times but stopped myself. I stopped myself thinking of Aliya - I can't abandon her. You see Manik, I need to live - not because I want to, but I have to - but in these spells, I become so weak! No reason holds strong to make me back out of slitting my wrist or hanging myself - I have somehow managed these few days Manik - I know I can't go on. Please give me my medicines Manik - I decided to consult doctors even, but I don't trust them - I even spoke to the doctors, I insisted they were taken to the intensive unit at least once, but the doctors didn't listen, they were explaining that my parents were spot dead, but try at least once? - Aliya is so happy in Delhi, but I miss her so much. How can I ask her to come back, I know she will be depressed here - I tried to hide the news of my parents from my daadi but she came to know, her caretaker just called and said she is no more - She is not waking up Manik - if I agree to have sex with you tonight, will you not dump me tomorrow Manik?" she cried out aloud, letting her wounds gash out of her and pierce through my heart. I didn't realize I was crying too, I was sobbing too - I just held her tight in my embrace. I didn't know how to pacify her. I was haunted at the idea that she hadn't slept in five days, I knew she was hallucinating as I was holding her in my arms, I knew her worst fears, and her last statement killed me - I had unknowingly ripped her soul apart that night - I sat there sobbing and tightly holding her and panicking internally, because I was at a loss of ideas, words and emotions - then I suddenly felt her anxiety go, and her body felt limp in my arms - she had passed out.

I know not for how long, I sat there holding her limp body in my tight embrace. I was still sobbing with my head dug into her shoulder - I could feel her soft hair caressing my wet teary cheeks - this was what remained of the Nandz I had once met - and to think that I played a part in destroying her too.

I took her in my arms and settled her on the bed. I rubbed my tears off my cheek, and opened the door and summoned Robin - I asked him to get the doctor the first thing in the morning. Then I shut the door and text messaged my manager to cancel all my plans for the next day. Then I came back beside her - one look at her, now calm face - and I was back to sobbing miserably - I lay down beside her and pulled her into my chest - I could feel her smooth and even breaths - it soothed me.

I hugged on to her, like how people cling on to dear life, wishing for the night to pass fast.