Kabanata 31

I could feel the throbbing pain in my head. Gio was talking to someone when I opened my eyes...a familiar silhouette of a person caught my attention.

My vision was a bit blurry, kinuskos ko ito upang maging malinaw. I only saw someone wearing a plain white shirt and black jeans.

"Is she asleep?"

"Nagtutulog-tulugan lang. Hoy Sanchez, gising na. May dalaw ka." Halakhak ni Gio. Lalo lamang naningkit ang mga mata ko.

I tried to stood up but I can't walk in a straight line. My legs are getting weaker each step I took, napasandal tuloy ako roon sa kausap ni Gio.

His scent was fresh mint. The way it hit my nostrils feels oddly familiar.

"Si Clary?" I asked, weakly.

Umiling si Gio. "You didn't call your cousin, Zaf."

"Gago, sino tinawagan ko?" my eyes are still half-open.

Napatingin ako sa sinasandalan ko. I almost vomit when I saw who it was.

"Shit, kamukha ng ex ko!" I laughed loudly. Even Gio was laughing. See? Kamukha nga ni Sarathiel!

The guy slackened his jaw. Agad na kumunot ang kanyang noo. His arms were across his chest. He really reminds me of Sath.

Do I miss him that much that I can even see him on other people?

"Really now?" the guy muttered sarcastically. It's funny because they sound the same too.

"Ang cutie lang," I beamed at him like how I used to Sath.

He was caught off guard. Naningkit ang mga mata niya. Ang sungit naman nito! He reminds me of my first meeting with Sath.

I saw Gio smirking before he spoke. "Can you carry her? Do you still need help?"

"Hindi na, kaya ko na siguro siya. Thank you, Gio."

The guy carried me in a piggyback ride style. Natawa lang ako dahil kahit amoy ni Sath ay kuha niya. I think I'm being delusional right now, is this an effect from soju?

I could tell that the guy was being careful with his steps. Sinusundan kami ni Gio dahil nakikita ko pa rin siya sa gilid ko. He was biting his lower lip, halatang nagpipigil ng tawa.

When the guy who looked like Sath gently lay me down on the shotgun seat of a car, I saw Gio taking pictures which immediately made me frown.

"Ano 'yan?"

"Mga larawan bago ang sakuna," halakhak ni Gio.

"Send mo saakin bukas." Hagikgik ko. Umiling-iling si Gio.

"Baka mapatay mo ako nang wala sa oras."

The throbbing pain on my head kept on reminding me that drinking beyond my limit is a bad decision. Who made soju taste so sweet any way? Ang traydor ng tama.

"Ingat kayo mga dudes. Sarathiel, I trust you. Paki-uwi nang buo." Gio said and closed the door of the car on my side.

I saw the guy nodded at Gio then he went to the driver's seat beside me. He started the engine after the door of the car was closed. Narinig ko pa nga ang pagsara niya rito.

The AC made me feel cold but the atmosphere was definitely colder. Did Sath had a car? I remember him saying he'll take a driver's license test...

Ilang minuto kong pinanood ang bawat pagdaan namin sa mga poste ng ilaw. It was offering me a sense of light in this night. Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko sa driver. He was serious as he maneuvered the car.

I pouted while examining his features. "Kapag nakikita kita, nam-miss ko jowa ko."

Nauntog ako sa headrest ng shotgun seat dahil sa bigla niyang pag-preno. Medyo nagising ang diwa ko kaya tumingin ako sa kanya.

"May dumaan na white lady," he said which made me widen my eyes in shock.

"Buti hindi mo nasagasaan." I said, unconsciously.

He exasperatedly sighed as he lower his head. Ibinalik niya rin muli ang tingin sa kalsada at nag-drive na ulit.

Patuloy lang siya sa pag-drive habang ako ay nakatingin lang sa kanya. He was serious even it was too dark to see his full face. All I can see is his expression. He was frowning at something.

Napatingin ako sa kamay niya, lalo na sa kanyang pulso. A familiar bracelet was on his wrist.

"May ganyan din ako...Pero stethoscope..." I mumbled while looking at his bracelet.

It was the almost the same bracelet I once had...Pero iba 'yung pendant niya, it was a calculator.

He didn't say anything but he looked like he wanted to say something.

I can't help but reminisce because of him. I miss Sath so much. Pero hindi pa ako handa. I still think I'm not capable of loving him when I'm just a wreckage.

"I hope he gets to eat blueberry cheesecake whenever he feels sad..." ngumiti ako at sinandal ang ulo ko sa may bintana ng kotse.

Lumandas na naman ang mga luha galing sa mga mata ko. It was probably the alcohol. Now I know why people get drunk when they have problems, so they can blame everything on the alcohol.

Inabutan ako nung lalaki ng tissue nang mag-pula ang traffic lights. Natawa naman ako dahil sa ginawa niya. Even his gestures are like Sarathiel's!

Inabot ko ito at agad na pinunasan ang mga luha ko. This was a gesture of Sarathiel. He always gives me tissue whenever I cry or even provide his own handkerchief.

"You remind me of my ex!" I said, tilting my head to his direction.

"I am your ex," sarkastikong sagot niya. I pretended I was shock.

"Lasing lang ako pero di ako bulag! You don't look like Sath! You look like a shadow!" A blurry shadow!

A shadow that looked like my ex. I laughed to myself. Wala kasing ilaw at hindi ko maaninag ang buong mukha niya.

The traffic light turned green and he went to another direction. He stopped over a nearby cliff. Walang masyadong tao at halos bakante ang daan.

I stiffened at his sudden movement.

Wait, itatapon na ba niya ako sa bangin?

I wasn't expecting him to lean forward to my face and I held my breath when he did.

His long lashes, brown eyes and perfect jaw made me realized that he really was Sarathiel. He was right infront of me.

My Sath...

I feel like tearing up.

"Do you believe me now?"

"Sarathiel?" my voice came out as weak.

Unti-unti na namang lumandas ang mga luha ko. I feel like there are always onions around me. Palagi na lamang akong umiiyak. I always cry at the smallest thing.

He stopped the engine and opened the lights inside the car. He leaned towards his seat as he closed his eyes.

"Let's talk," humugot siya nang malalim na hininga.

I was about to speak when he decided to drop the bomb first.

"I wanna forget you."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang may sumaksak sa dibdib ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Halu-halong emosyon ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Siguro dahil sa alak. Pero sa tingin ko ay wala naman na akong tama.

Sadyang masakit lang ang nabitawan niyang mga salita.

"I fucking loved you, Zafirah." he lowered his head and gently shakes it.

"I loved you more than myself, more than anyone, more than everything," sabi niya sa nagsusumamong boses.

"I really just want to say I love you." Namumula ang gilid ng mata niya, his voice hoarse.

"I don't even expect you to love me the same way. I don't even expect anything from you at all..." his voice was cracking as he say those words.

I don't know if it's the alcohol on my system but I can feel my entire body being weak. My emotions are also stirring inside me.

I cupped his face as I planted kisses on his lips. I just want to take away his pain - the pain I caused him.

"Sorry..." I said along with the kisses, even if my tears were touching his cheek I couldn't careless.

He didn't respond to any of my kisses.

I could taste how salty my own tears were because I was kissing him on the parts where my tears touch him.

He gently pushed me away.

"You're drunk..." pumikit siya nang mariin. "I just wanted to tell you how much I love you but..."

This time, he was the one who cupped my face. His touch made me feel a different sensation like something is tingling inside of me.

"Nakakapagod kang mahalin, Zafirah."

I didn't know Sarathiel can hurt me like this. He was always different when it comes to me. He was gentle, kind and loving. I know he can get sarcastic and cold...

I just didn't expect he can be like that to me.

His eyes were misty. Parang ilang minuto na lamang ay may lalabas na rin na luha mula rito. He gently shook his head as he rest his forehead on my shoulder.

"You know, you remember that you gave me a handkerchief..." napapaos niyang saad.

"Yeah..." I was catching my own breath. "I did."

Parang ang hirap huminga. Pinipiga ang puso ko habang kausap ko siya. He has all the reasons to feel this way. I left him when he needed me the most. I feel like I'm accountable for every pain he is feeling right now.

"I wonder if you also knew what it meant if you give someone a handkerchief as a gift."

My shoulders were wet. Umiiyak si Sath ngayon. Sa aking mga balikat. He is crying because of me. Lalo lamang ako nagkaroon ng dahilan para mahirapan huminga.

"They say, gifting a person you love a handkerchief would mean that one day they will wipe away their affection for you..."

It only gave me more reasons to feel guilty. It was a random gift. I didn't know any meaning behind it. Sath slowly went back on his position. Namumugto ang kanyang mga mata.

"I'm sorry..." aniya.

"This will probably be the last time..." his breathing was deep. "This will be the last time because I'm gonna forget everything about you..."

So this is how it feels like when someone was ripping your heart from your entire body. This is how it feels like when you're still fighting but the game was already over.

So this is how Sath felt when I gave up on him.

I smiled painfully and nodded my head.

I understand, Sath.

"Okay," I told him with utmost sincerity and averted my gaze. "Sorry ulit, Sath."

Bumalik na siya sa pagmamaneho hanggang sa makauwi na ako sa aming bahay. I watched as he never turned back and went away with his car. I went directly to my room and let myself fall on my bed as I hugged my pillow and let it drain my tears.

So this is how he felt when I said those words to him. All I ever wanted was to lessen the pain, but it only tripled it. Akala ko noon ang OA ng mga tao na umiiyak dahil sa pag-ibig, who would have thought I would end up like them with the same painful reason for my tears?

Masakit pala talaga.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪✎❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜