Kabanata 30

This was the kind of heartbreak I was trying to avoid. The kind that just wrecks you inside and you can't even do anything about it. It immobilizes you from moving on.

Pumikit ako nang mariin. Ang mga tinig ng aking mga kaklase ay unti-unting nawawala sa aking pandinig. I slowly opened my eyes. All of them are slowly turning into mere shadows. All I can see is just the list plastered on the whiteboard.

This was what I wanted, right?

Memories was surging into me. The thing about memories, it makes you remember everything but nothing changes. You can't change it. Hanggang sa alaala na lang ito. Paalala kung bakit at paano nangyari ang mga bagay-bagay.

Hindi mo na ito mababago.

"Zafirah, congrats." Gio cheerfully tapped me from behind.

Nilabas kasi ang results ng over-all topnotchers para sa first semester. On top of the list was my full name. Sa average lang kami nagkatalo nang sumunod sa pangalan ko. I lowered my gaze as I move away from the crowd.

I never thought I can actually redeem my spot. I smiled but I wasn't elated. It didn't even make me excited knowing I gained back my spot.

It felt empty, like it didn't even matter to me if I was number one or not.

I walked towards my friends. Ipinilig ang aking ulo nang makitang niyayaya nila ako pumunta sa direksyon nila. All of them also had honors. Pero hindi tulad ko, masaya talaga sila. I, on the other hand, feel nothing because I realized I have sacrifice a lot of things in order for me to gain that spot.

Despite the sacrifices I've made, it didn't feel like it was worth it. It didn't even feel like it was breakeven, it didn't reach the bare minimum. Parang nalugi pa ako dahil hindi naman ito naging tulay para bumalik ako sa pagiging masaya.

"Adren, congrats din!"

Gio almost hugged Adren, in which made his friend move backwards. Tawang-tawa kami dahil sobrang clingy ni Gio sa lahat. He was really happy for everyone. He didn't treat it like a competition. I wonder if that's the reason why he doesn't get stress often. Hindi niya ito tinitingnan bilang karera namin.

That's probably why I was so supressed by the tightness of my chest whenever someone gets a higher score than me. Nasanay ako sa tuktok kaya naman kapag bumababa ako, I feel like I'm being oppressed which actually isn't even true. Each of us have our own track to follow. I shouldn't compare mine with others because we have different paths created for each and everyone of us.

Life's not a competition. Stop comparing your track with others. Ikaw lang ang lulungkot. You have your own track, focus on it.

"Congrats, Gio." Adren gave a smile. "Korean BBQ Resto, tonight?"

"Just what I needed!" Gio exclaimed. Gio was the only one who didn't changed at all. He was the same bubbly guy I met before.

Adren organized a party to celebrate our achievements for the 1st semester. I knew better though, it was just a reason for him to get drunk and drown himself in alcohol so he could forget.

How can I say? Because I'm about to do the same thing.

We went to a Korean BBQ Resto near the seashore. It was really a unique place to visit. Sa pagkakaalam ko ay nirentahan 'to ni Adren para sa buong gabi. Most of our classmates went here because it's technically Adren's blowout for everyone in our class.

"Being eighteen is so fun! Pwede ka na makulong!" Halakhak ni Melay, she was raising a small cup containing soju.

Ang ilan sa mga kaklase ko ay nagluluto para sa lahat. Not everyone likes the smell of smoke in their clothes and not everyone knows how to cook. Kaya naman tamang patay malisya na lamang ang iba sa pagluluto ng karne sa grill.

I rubbed my arms as I look towards the waves splashing across the land outside this resto. The tranquility reminds me of how gloomy this night is for me. Gaano ko man pilitin sumaya, hindi ko ito magawa.

It was really cold here. Mabuti na lang at naka-longsleeves sweater ako which is slightly tucked in into my high waist denim jeans.

I drank on my cup too. Rumehistro sa lalamunan ko ang lasa kaya agad akong napangiwi. It didn't really taste like alcohol to me but it did had an effect.

The song was blasting while some of our classmates were dancing along, pretending to be kpop idols themselves. Of course, not everyone was allowed to drink. We're young adults now, we should drink responsibly and moderately.

Wala akong masyadong magawa sa loob kaya lumabas ako para magpahangin. I wanted some air.

As I was walking, I saw a familiar figure and it was Adren. Drinking alone while looking at the moon.

Nakaupo lang siya sa buhangin. I decided to tag along. A lonely night for two people.

"Mind if I join?" I asked him, raising my soju. Pumuslit kasi ako ng isang bote, I was already legal anyway.

He only gave a small smile.

"How can you always smile despite everything?"

"Smiling doesn't mean I'm happy, Zafirah. I thought of all people, you're the one who knows that the most." he was playing with the bottle of soju from his hand.

"She probably had her reasons..."

These past few days were also hard for Adren. I saw how he chase over Arrisea who kept on pushing him away.

How can someone who's so in love with you pushed you like that? I know she has a reason...

She couldn't possibly get over him in a span of just a few days.

Kasing kung nagawa niya 'yon, I wanted to know how...

I want to know how to forget someone you've love...

"Arrisea probably still loves you..."

I saw how he stiffened when I mentioned her name. Nanatili ang titig niya sa bote ng soju habang unti-unting tumango.

"She also had plenty of reasons to stay, Zafirah yet she still choose to leave. Even if she only had one reason to stay, if she really loves me — she'll fucking stay. Ewan ko pero ganun kasi ako. Kahit na isang putanginang rason lang para manatili ako — mananatili ako." Adren looked to me, his eyes darkened.

I cleared my throat as I averted my gaze somewhere else.

"M-malay mo natakot lang siya...Natakot na baka wala na palang kahahantungan pagmamahal niyo..." I didn't know why my heart was beating so fast.

I heard him chuckling even if it sounded humorless.

"Are we still talking about Arrisea or are we talking about you? Because both of you are so fucked up. You can't fucking make someone so in love with you and leave them for your own convenient."

He knows what happened between me and Sath. I guess everyone who knew me knows about it. Noon ay halos hindi kami mapaghiwalay ni Sath kahit pa iba ang strand namin sa isa't isa. We always find ways to give time for each other. No matter how busy he was — he will be there for me.

"Sometimes people need to have a break for them to find what's their own worth." I said, justifying what happened between me and Sarathiel.

"Hindi ba pwedeng kasama mo siya sa paghahanap mo sa sarili mo?"

Hindi ako makasagot sa tanong niya. He chuckles, sarcasm was dripping in his tone.

"Did you even ask him? Hindi? Gumawa ka lang ng desisyon para sa sarili mo?"

"I thought it would be for the best..."

"Gaano ba kahirap magtanong, Zafirah?"

I guess, he was right. I never considered how Sarathiel would feel.

"If he really loves me, he'll wait for me."

It made my throat constricted.

"What if he doesn't?"

I didn't have a response for that. It was possible though, maaaring hindi na niya ako mahihintay. I'll get hurt for sure but I'll be happy for him if he found someone who will make him more happy than how I used to.

"I'll be happy for him. If he finds comfort in another g-girl while I wasn' there for him...I'll try to be h-happy..." My voice cracks.

"In the first place, I was the one who left and gave up. Kaya magiging masaya ako para sa kanya." I said, my heart swelling with emotion.

He tried smiling but failed miserably.

He slowly stood up. Pinagpag niya ang buhangin na dumikit sa kanyang damit. I watched him try to tidy himself.

"Enjoy your night." I knew he didn't want anyone to accompany him from his tone.

He slowly walked away but I decided to tell him my thoughts before he drift from my sight.

"Adren, you still don't know her reason..."

I was hoping that if Adren and Arrisea can still find the love that they've lost then maybe...Just maybe...Sath and I still had a chance.

He halted from his track and decided to turn around to face me.

"You know what I learned tonight, Zafirah?" his eyes were glistening in the dark.

"Maybe we should just stop doing the right things for the wrong people."

I could hear my heart being crushed by those words. I knew I was one of those people.

"Stop taking people for granted just because you know that one fucking call — they will be at your fucking doorstep. Hindi lang ikaw ang napapagod, Zafirah."

Adren left me there and I realized how much hurt he was to say those words. Usually, he's emotionless and tries to fake his emotions too much.

Maybe, he was right. At some point, susukuan ka rin ng taong mahal na mahal ka. They will grow tired of you too and you don't have any right to blame them because you know you were the reason why they got tired.

I was so devastated that night, I decided to befriend every soju bottle I could find. Bumalik ako sa resto at uminom nang uminom.

Ginawa ko itong parang sprite lang. Kahit na ilang beses na akong pinigilan nila Gio. Even Melay was giving me a huge slap on the back just for me to stop. Pero walang nakapigil. No one can really stop a broken person from trying to forget.

Hindi ko iniinda kung gaano ito kasakit sa ulo, I wanted to get drunk so that I could sleep without crying. Diretso tulog na kaagad.

"Zafi, tigil na. Ginawa mo ng sprite 'yan. Hindi 'yan softdrinks, oy." Gio was reprimanding me.

"Hi Giorgi! Sabi ni Pennywise." I giggled, micmicking the scene from IT.

I feel my cheeks burning. Ang init din ng pakiramdam ko. I want to take my long sleeves off.

"Ihahatid na kita," seryosong sabi ni Gio. He was about to lift me when I shook my head.

"Magagalit boyfriend ko!"

I yanked myself away from him.

"Ulol, wala ka ng boyfriend."

"Heh! Meron kaya!" I pouted like a child who was defending her imaginary boyfriend.

Bumuntonghininga si Gio, he even massaged his temples as he looked over for something.

"Tawagan mo si Clary kung ayaw mong ako ang mag-hatid sa'yo. Ikaw na lang natitira rito. Isipin pa ng mga magulang ko, syota kita." Ngumiwi siya.

"Ayaw mo, Giorgi? Maging syota ako?" I rested my head on the table. Pinaglalaruan ko na lang din ang tira-tirang lettuce.

No one was left but me and Gio. Ang iba ay maaga umuwi samantalang may mga nauna nang umalis. I was just stubborn and Gio who have no curfew is the one trying to let me go home.

"ABM ako kaya alam kong malaking lugi kung sakali. Gusto mo ba ng financial statement kung bakit lugi ako kung sakaling jojowain kita?"

I knew he was capable of that. Gagawa talaga siya ng ganun para lang ipamukha saakin na hindi ako worth it maging jowa. Ganyan 'yang si San Pedro, sobrang nakakapikon.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Di rin naman kita jojowain!"

"Tawagan mo na si Clary!" he groaned impatiently.

"Okay okay, chill ka lang." My head's spinning. I tried to grab my phone from my pocket.

Clary was on my speed dial. So I decided to press one number which I'm sure saved her number on my phone.

"Clary! I'm drunk." I giggled.

"..."

I frowned at her silence. Usually, she'll scream at me for disturbing her beauty sleep. Pero ang tahimik niya ngayon...

"Clary, pasundo ako. Ayoko sumabay kay Gio, ayoko siya maging jowa." I pouted while raising my middle finger to Gio.

Gio had his arms crossed and he was looking at me as if I just did the most horrible thing in the world.

"..."

"Clary? Clary?" I chanted.

"Saan ka?"

The voice made me feel numb. Pero agad ko itong winaksi sa isipan. It's impossible for him to answer my call.

"Sino 'to? Bakit lalaki ka na, Clary? Kailan mo pa nakita ang tunay mong kulay?"

"I'm gonna hang up—"

That made me panic. Whoever this is, siya ang maguuwi sa akin. It's not like I don't trust Gio but I really don't want him to take me home. Magkakaroon ng isyu sa klase.

"Wait, I'll send you the address. You're so impatient. Kaboses mo pa ex ko, kakainis."

He has the same sardonic tone that Sath usually uses when he's talking to someone else or trying to piss me off.

I hang up and send my address to that number. Tumingin ako kay Gio who was suppressing his laughter.

"Oh God..." I saw how Gio's lips rose in amusement.

"Bakit?" naningkit ang mga mata ko.

"Wala, wala." He shook his head. "I just think this will be a very long night for you."

Bumalik ako sa paghiga ng aking ulo sa lamesa. I could still hear the familiar korean song playing on the videoke.

"Goodnight, Giorgi..." my eyelids are being heavy so I decided to close them.

Ang tagal naman ni Clary.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪✎❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜