maybe we need a break — slchld

Kabanata 28

I laughed as I playfully punched him on his arm. Nanatiling seryoso ang kanyang mga mata sa akin. Nanunuot sa aking balat ang lamig ng aircon na malapit sa pwesto namin at hindi ko maitanggi ang kaba. The lump on my throat only got bigger. I cleared my throat before I took the paper from him.

"Wala lang, parang ang abstract lang kasi pakinggan." I told him as I folded the paper to hide the content.

"there are other poems to choose, you could try bonsai —" Sath stopped when he saw me frowning at him.

"Kabisado ko na 'yung edge," matigas na saad ko. "Ayoko na sana palitan. Malapit na rin ang recital namin kaya bakit pa?"

His eyes softened. Bumuntong hininga siya at hinawakan ang kamay ko. The volts of electricity from his touch made me realized that I was still there and I feel like I was caught red handed.

"The meaning of the poem..." tumikhim siya. "Alam mo ba?"

"Of course..." I drawled, trying to calm my heart. "Alam ko, Sath."

Sath looked at me, his eyes glistened with pure somber. Unti-unti niya akong niyakap. He enfolded his arms around me.

"Para naman 'tong ewan..." I laughed dryly. "Bakit mo ako niyayakap?"

"Sylvia Plath wrote edge, didn't she?" his low tone was comforting me. Naramdaman ko ang init ng kanyang mga bisig na ayaw ako pakawalan.

"Yeah..." I nodded my head.

"She wrote it...six days before she committed suicide."

Katahimikan na puno ng pamamanglaw ang nanaig sa pagitan naming dalawa.

"I didn't know." I smiled. I lied. "I just thought that the poem was good."

I saw how Sath's expression shifted. Lalo lamang lumungkot ang kanyang mga mata. I feel bad for dragging him into this empty pit of sadness. He doesn't deserve it. The energy that I omit cannot be pass to someone else.

Dapat sa akin lang. Ako lang dapat ang nakakaramdam ng hilahil na ito.

"The poem is great but I think romanticizing death is not really good," Sath cupped my face. "May di ba ako alam, Zafi? Is something bothering you?"

Tulad noon, umiling at ngumiti ako.

I'm okay.

I should be okay.

Like how they expect me to be.

Exams came for the 1st grading of the 1st semester.

Hawak-hawak ko ang mga reviewer ko. Hindi alam ang uunahin. I didn't have any time to review since we were also doing some of our activities. Sabay-sabay silang lahat. Parang utang pa namin kung magpapahinga kami.

Kinakabahan ako kahit may aral naman ako. The thing about the computations in ABM, once you fail to analyze the given statement — everything is already wrong.

"FABM, Business Ethics and Business Math for day one?" I can't believe our schedule. Lahat ng mahihirap ay unang-una pa talaga.

Natulala na lamang ako habang binabasa ang mga dapat kong i-review. Sath looked at me and offered me an assuring smile.

"Goodluck, you'll do good for sure." Sath kissed the top of my head. Kakatapos lang namin mag-review sa study hub.

"Yeah, of course." I faked a smile.

Not.

I don't know how to put everything in my head! I was so nervous that I'll fail.

Bago kami umuwi ay bumili si Sath ng nuts at dark chocolate para raw paguwi ko ay may kakainin ako habang nagr-review sa madaling araw. He advised me to take a rest first. Mas gumagana raw ang utak kapag may pahinga at kapag umaga. I beg to disagree. Inaantok ako sa umaga.

"Matulog ka na pagkauwi, okay? You can review tomorrow. Don't force yourself too much. Please." Sath's voice was laced with concern.

"Yup!" I nodded at him.

Even when I was already at home, I still reviewed some notes I have for the subjects I'll take tomorrow. Hindi ako nakatulog at pinilit ang sarili na matapos lahat ng binabasa ko.

I just didn't want to fail. Ayoko magkaroon ng pagkakataon na bumagsak kaya naman nag-review pa rin ako kahit pagod na ang mga mata ko.

It was a freaking wrong move.

Kinabukasan, during the exam itself I was dazed and sleepy. I took coffee before going to school but it failed me.

Wala akong tulog.

Wala akong pahinga.

"Zafi?" Gio gently shakes my shoulder.

"Huh?" tumingin ako sa kanya. The exam is about to end. Unti-unting pumipikit ang mga mata ko kahit na pilit ko itong dinidilat.

"Are you okay?" he murmured, his eyes scanned me. "You just seem.."

"Yes? Yes. Bakit?" My head's spinning. I can't focus on anything.

"Tapos na ang exams," Gio said.

"Okay." I was still not in my proper state.

I sighed lethargically as I rested my head on the my desk. Umiikot talaga amg paningin ko.

At least I answered my exams well, right? The all nighters was worth it.

Not at all.

The results were out. Halos lahat ay may ngiti sa kanilang labi. I even saw Ria thanking someone because she got some answers from that person.

Bakit gano'n?

"Shit shit shit." I wanted to crumbled my paper into pieces.

Ang dami kong mali! The thing was, iba ang nakuha nilang mga sagot sa sagot ko! Lahat sila naka-balance pero saakin hindi!

"Napagpalit mo ba 'yung accounts?" mahinahon na tanong ni Gio.

"Hindi ko alam!" my breathing hitched, I can't breath. Shit. I can't breath properly.

I was shaking vigoriously. I can't hold my papers well. Nanginginig pa rin ako sa sobrang takot. Takot na baka hindi na talaga makakapasa.

A sense of panic was taking over my body.

My head's hurting. Napakagat ako ng labi ko. This was a major exam. This determines what we learned during the 1st grading and I freaking failed?!

Ria strode towards me and peek on my paper, when she saw my scores — a grin immediately appeared on her lips. She pretended to cover it with her hand but I could see the mockery on her eyes.

"Tanga, sinong bobo kaya makakakuha ng 16 out of 50? Ang bobo lang." Ria laughs.

My lips parted and immediately look at her. She mockingly smirked at me while flaunting her score. It was 45 out of 50.

I was okay. I am okay.

I'm sweating so I decided to get my towel but someone got my attention.

"Si Zafirah, ang baba sa FABM. Top 1 'yon?" someone laughs.

I...

"Hindi kaya kumopya lang siya nung grade 11?"

I didn't...

"Kagrupo ko 'yan dati nung grade 11. Mayabang 'yan tapos di naman pala talaga matalino."

I'm not...

"Tumatawa siguro ngayon si Stacy. Totoo nga 'yung sinabi niya, puro yabang lang si Zafirah."

I don't know why but everyone didn't have a face anymore. All of them have blank expressions but only judgement can be seen in their eyes.

"Hey, Zafi..."

"What?!" I yelled at Melay. Melay was taken aback.

"Z-zafi..."

"Bakit ba?! Ano ba 'yon?!" I was trembling.

Melay tried to laugh it off but her worried expression tells otherwise.

"Sino nag-english, bakit dinudugo ilong mo?"

What...

"Zafirah!"

『••✎••』

"Stress and over fatigued can cause someone to faint and get a nosebleed."

Nagising na lang ako na ang tanging nakikita ay puting kisame. There was also a curtain, I decided to move it. My prediction was right, I was at the school's clinic.

My eyes darted towards the doctor's desk. Someone was talking with the doctor, I couldn't see the figure well because my vision is a bit blurry. I decided to close it shut and open it again to see who it was — it was Sath.

"Will she be okay?"

"Resting will do. Kulang lang talaga siya sa pahinga, Hijo."

"Thank you po."

I decided to get up and lean on the wall. I can see Sath talking to the school's Doctor. When Sath saw me, he immediately frowned at me. There's a look of disappointment.

He probably heard of my scores, huh?

My lips quivered as my heart begun to race.

Bobo na rin ba ako sa paningin niya?

"Zafirah, get some rest." Nakapamulsang lumapit saakin si Sarathiel. His expression was also blank.

The blank stares — reminds me of everything. Napayuko ako, I gathered the remaining strength I have to breath properly.

He returned the curtains from it's original position, so we can have a little privacy.

I laughed.

I fucking laughed.

"Bobo na rin ba ako sa paningin mo, Sarathiel?"

"What?" his eyebrows furrowed, there was confusion all over his face.

I knew better, though. Tulad ng iba, bobo na rin ako sa paningin niya.

"I'm stupid, huh? I'm the lowest in our class. I freaking failed my major exams. The awards and medals I used to get are not really for me." I was beginning to feel so small again.

I wonder where it all started to crumble down. Where did I go wrong? Did my own expectations clouded what's real infront of me? I just wanna know...

Wala na ba akong mararating sa buhay? I know I'm probably overthinking but for someone who used to get all the praises? I feel like I was at the buttom.

"Calm down, Zaf..." Sath tried rubbing my back but I pushed him away.

"How can I calm down when I'm already failing?!"

He exasperatedly sighed.

"Makakabawi ka pa."

The lumped on my throat only gets bigger. My sobbing gets more loud as I try to express how I really feel.

"Major exams 'yon, Sath! Major 'yon! Anong mababawi ko?!"

"Zafirah, 1st grading pa lang. You still have 3 gradings — a fucking semester to get it back." His calm voice makes me feel he's tired of me.

He's tired, huh?

"Pagod ka na ba saakin?" my voice suddenly cracks.

"No..." his hands cupped my face. "Of course not."

"Pagod na ako, Sath. Sa lahat." Unti-unting tumulo ang mga luha ko.

"Take a rest—"

"I need a break..."

Natigilan siya, he looked at me with widened eyes. I could feel his trembling hands on my face. I'm sorry, Sath. I really do feel like I'm only a burden for you.

"S-sure, let's go somewhere else during weekends—" I hold his hands that was cupping my face.

I gently removed it away from me.

"I need a break from everything, Sath."

This was too much for me. Pagod na ako. Pagod na rin siya. Everything was just too tiring. Hindi ko alam kung paano kami magtatagpo sa gitna — when both of us are in the verge of giving up.

"T-that's good. I'll make sure to help you for your n-notes during the time you're away..." Sath was avoiding my gaze all this time.

Umiling ako.

He knows what I want.

He just keeps avoiding it.

But avoiding doesn't ease the pain — It only prolongs it.

Napayuko ako at sinandal ang ulo ko sa kanyang braso.

"Pagod na ako, Sath."

In a hoarse voice, he whispered.

"Please don't be tired of me..."

Napatingin ako kay Sath. I have never seen him this desperate before. Ngayon ko lang siyang nakitang halos magmakaawa na.

"Zafi, please don't do decisions when your emotions are like this."

"Pagod na pagod na ako," my tears are already on his polo shirt.

"Ikaw lang ba?" his hoarse voice reveals how tired he was.

"See? We're both tired of this." I smiled despite of how emotionally exhausted I was.

I never blame Sath. I just don't think he deserved me during this time. He deserves to be with someone who's emotionally stable.

"Pagod din ako, Zafirah pero hindi kita sinusukuan." Namumula na ang gilid ng mga mata niya.

Huminga siya nang malalim.

"Do I have to beg for you not to give up on me? Because...I will. I will fucking beg if I had to." He looks at me, almost pleading.

Umiling-iling ako.

"You don't deserve to beg for anything, Sath. You deserve everything good in this world." I rested my forehead to his.

Right now, I'm not even good enough to understand my current situation. I don't want him always compromising because of what I lack. A relationship works with two people — a single person cannot always carry the relationship.

"I'm not in my best state, I'm not even good—" he cut me off.

"Fuck, Zafi. You think I really care about that? Did you think I only loved you for your best traits? Did you think my love for you was that shallow?"

He sounds like he was betrayed. I shook my head. Tumingin ako sa kanyang mga mata.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

I know what's the best for the both of us. We're both hurting. We're both trying to avoid this. We're both tired. We probably need to rest from each other.

"Zafi, it's only been weeks since I told you not to break my heart..." hurt was evident on his face.

"I'm sorry..." My eyes can't form any tears anymore. Naubos na gaya ng lahat ng lakas ko.

"I love you...more than 3000." He looks at me, waiting for my answer.

There was only silence.

He knew. He knew the answer from my silence.

I removed the bracelet he gave me during Valentine's. It felt like something part of me was being remove — it hurts and it stings.

I gently handed him the bracelet. I could see the betrayal in his eyes. I forced him to take it by putting it in his palm.

"I don't deserve to be part of your life. I don't deserve your heart. I don't deserve you at all."

I saw how hurt he was from hearing those words from me.

"Zafi..."

For the last time, I tried to smile.

"Let's break up."

I immediately got up and went out of the clinic. I left him behind, I can't see him like that. I can't see him hurting because of me.

Pinunasan ko ang mga lumandas na luha sa aking mga mata. My heart was pounding so hard against my chest. Sa sobrang sakit ay halos hilingin ko na lang sa langit na sana'y wala na lang akong puso — so I don't have to suffer this excruciating pain.

"You know, there's a reason why the heart and the mind are in different areas of our body."

I halted from walking when someone spoke. Napalingon ako, a guy with grey eyes was leaning towards the wall beside the clinic.

His hands on his pockets as he looked at me. Binigyan niya ako ng isang ngisi.

"When you make bad decisions, who do you hold you accountable, Ate? Is it your heart or your mind?"

The weird guy only shook his head.

"You can't mix your heart and your mind at the same time. It's fucking chaotic. Choose one to follow so the next time you fuck up your decisions, you know who's accountable."

❛ ━━━━━━･❪✎❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜