TW: Depression

Kabanata 21

"Grade 12, huh?"

First day of being a grade 12 and I can already feel the difference between being a grade 11 and grade 12 student.

Nangangapa ka pa sa grade 11 pero ngayon na grade 12 ka na ay mas may alam ka na o mas inaasahan nilang may alam ka na sa pagiging isang senior high.

The difficulty of the grade level actually depends on how your school distributes your subjects. Ang ibang mga kakilala ko sa ibang school ay mas nahirapan sa grade 11 dahil nga iba sa kasanayan at agad na binigay sa kanila ang mga hardcore na specialized subjects ng strand nila. However, in UJD we were more focused on the core subjects during grade 11. Ngayong grade 12 pa lamang namin mae-encounter ang mga specialized subjects na 'yon.

Personally, there's advantages and disadvantages for both side. Mahihirapan ka man sa grade 11, at least kapag grade 12 ka na mas marami kang oras para sa mga entrance exams kung balak mo pang lumipat. Kabaliktaran naman ito kapag hindi ka masyadong nahirapan sa grade 11, you'll be bombarded during grade 12.

"Hi Gio," I greeted Gio who was surprisingly silent. He returned the greeting with a smile.

"Sungit naman natin ngayon," I nudged him, hindi ako sanay na tahimik siya.

"Nagbabagong buhay na ako," his forehead creased. "Ayoko na maging friendly."

I laughed because that was the sole reason why our former classmates voted for him to be the class president last year. Friendly kasi siya nung first day pa lang kaya napagtripan tuloy.

Wala pa kaming homeroom teacher. I scan the classroom with my eyes, most of the faces are familiar and some were new. May mga nilipat kasi ng section dahil hindi nila naabot 'yung average para sa section 1.

Hindi ko na rin kaklase si Stacy. Bawas sa mga free loader sa room. Pero nandito pa rin si Ria dahil kahit papaano ay nakasabit ang grades niya.

"Zafirah?" someone called my name.

"Ade!" I greeted back. "Nilipat ka pala ng section."

"Yeah, I guess?" he shrugged his shoulders. Nadagdagan na naman ng gwapo ang room namin.

Dumating ang homeroom teacher namin. Lalaki ito at hindi tulad noon ay medyo may edad na kumpara sa mga teachers namin noong grade 11. Halatang hindi na fresh graduate.

"Dictate your name and your age. After that, recite what you know and what you wanna learn about accountancy."

What the frick?

『••✎••』

I was freaking traumatized! Unang araw pa lang namin, may surprise recitation! Tapos grabe pa 'yung tension kasi di mo alam kung may sense ba 'yung sinasabi mo. May muntik pa ngang maiyak kasi di niya alam kung ano 'yung gusto niyang malaman tungkol sa accountancy.

Hindi kasi pinapaupo hanggang di siya satisfied sa sagot mo.

"Di ako prepared," napaawang ang bibig ko.

"Ang order ko bagong buhay, bakit ako bibigyan ng surprise recitation?!" reklamo ni Gio at ginulo pa ang buhok niya.

"Ulol! Nasagot mo naman e! Ikaw na nga favorite kaagad no'n kasi ikaw kaagad pinaupo niya kasi nagustuhan niya sagot mo!" I accused Gio.

Kahit gaano kaloko itong si Gio, hindi naman mapagkakaila na matalino talaga siya. Ikaw ba naman maging anak ng bumuo ng SP Law Firm e. The home of the best CPA lawyers in town.

"Magbabasa na talaga ako bukas!" I shouted in frustration.

Tumambay ako sa G hall dahil maaga ang dismissal. It was the routine for first day, sasabihin lang ang rules at regulation ng school and such. So, I already started reading some notes I collected from the internet.

"Huwag mo ako landiin, badtrip ako ngayon." Sabi ko nang may maramdaman akong presensya sa likod ko.

He gently put his arms around my shoulders and peek over my notes in Fundamentals of Accountancy, Business, Management.

"Ang aga mo namang magbasa? First day pa lang..." malambing na sabi niya.

"May surprise recitation kami kanina!" I blurted out, annoyed because I wasn't ready.

"Uh? Pero first day pa lang..." Kumunot ang noo niya.

I pouted. "I know! Buti nga wala pa siyang binigay na take home activity. Kayo? Kamusta?"

"Nothing's really new. Subjects lang 'yata nagbago." He said, shrugging.

"Mahihirap subjects niyo? Ang dami naming math!" I said, horrified. Tatlo 'yata 'yon?

"Same," he chuckled. "Although I have more science subjects now."

He looks gorgeous as ever. His chestnut hair and brown eyes are tantalizing me. Hindi siya nakakasawang tingnan. The more I look at Sath, the more reasons I fall for him.

"I love you 3000," I smiled at him cheekily.

Hinilig niya ang ulo niya sa gilid ng leeg ko.

"I love you 3000," he whispered.

I know grade 12 will probably be more harder than grade 11 but I'm not scared. I have Sath with me. I don't really think anything could go wrong right now.

Sath's my boyfriend and my acads is still my priority. I can balance them both.

I think.

Weeks passed and I was slowly adapting into grade 12. Unlike grade 11, mas marami kaming specialized subjects ngayong semester. Business Finance, Business Math, at FABM.

Binabawi ko na ang sinabi kong Prob at Stats ang pinaka-ayaw kong subject. Hindi ko akalain na ni isa sa mga specialized subjects ng ABM ay hindi ko magugustuhan.

"May Philo kayo, 'di ba?" I asked Sath as we were dating in a study hub.

Ewan ko ba bakit parang normal na saamin ang mag-date sa mga study hubs o kaya pupunta kami sa museum para mag-date. It was weird but it was our thing.

"Yeah," tumango lang si Sath, not removing his sight on his notes. Ang linis niya talaga magsulat.

"That's for?"

"Gen Bio," he answered curtly.

Kaya pala seryoso ang isang 'to. Mukhang favorite subject niya.

Nagpalumbaba ako habang tinititigan si Sarathiel. 

"Pahiram ako ng notes sa Philo," I asked Sath.

Tumango siya.

"I think Iscalade has better notes on Philo though," nagulat ako dahil ngumisi si Sath. Parang may naalala.

"Bakit? Ano meron? Favorite subject niya rin?" I laughed.

"Ewan ko. Aral na aral siya roon e, pinag-aralan nga niya hanggang 2nd grading na." He was smiling.

I couldn't imagine this was the same person who used to always avoid talking to people. He's very talkative to me. 

"Kamusta pala sa accounting?"

"I'm still not sure if I'm fit for accountancy," nalukot ang mukha ko.

I was certain that I will pursue accountancy in college but my recent experience with FABM is making me doubt I can survive accountancy.

Hindi ko kasi talaga siya maintindihan. Magaling naman 'yung teacher namin. Pero hindi ko alam bakit hindi ko siya gaano gets.

The worst part was everyone almost got it. Kanina sa klase, ako lang 'yata ang hindi makapagtaas ng kamay dahil hindi ko alam kung paano nila ginawa. I tried to learn it my own way but I just couldn't.

Pakiramdam ko mali ako ng pinasukan.

It makes me doubt myself.

"Hey," Sarathiel flick me on my forehead. "You'll manage to get through it. Siguro naninibago ka lang. Remember you even told me tips when we first met?"

Namula naman ako dahil naalala ko na naman ang pagiging know-it-all ko no'n.

"It left quite an impression, really." Ngumisi si Sath. Hinampas ko nga sa balikat.

"I hope I never fail your expectations," bumuntong hininga ako.

The mere thought that I would disappoint Sath and my family is making my insides somersault in an awful way.

He gave a warm smile.

"You never fail to amaze me, Zafirah. I'll always be proud of you regardless what kind of achievements you get."

I smiled but deep inside I really didn't want to be left behind by Sath. He was gifted with wits and looks — I would like to be someone who is equal to him.

I really didn't want to lose my standing. Gusto ko pareho kaming magaling sa academics, hindi pwedeng siya lang. Kahit na boyfriend ko na siya, ayokong mapag-iwanan.

So I tried my best. Di baleng walang kain basta makapag-review. Di baleng walang tulog basta magkaroon ng kaalaman. Di baleng pagod basta makakuha nang mataas na marka.

I was sweating even if the aircondition was already set on sixteen. Papasa ako, kahit siguro pangalawa lang sa mataas ay okay na ako. I would even settle just for a passing grade.

That's what I've said. That's what I've thought.

That's why I was so devastated when I saw my score on our first quiz on FABM.

I got 4 out of 20.

Nanginginig ako habang hawak ang papel ko.

"Sino pinakamataas? Manlilibre siya ah! I got 6!" tawa pa nang tawa si Melay.

My tears are forming, even my eyelids were catching those tears. Fudge. Bakit? Nag-aral naman ako...

"Uhm, I got 12." Awkward na ngumiti si Bea. Lumingon sa akin si Bea at Melay.

I was terrified as I crumbled my paper to my bag. Don't ask for my score. I don't even wanna know my score...

Please.

"Zafirah, manglilibre na 'yan! Huwag mong itago score mo! Ilan ka, top 1?" Melay was smiling at me, expecting me to say I was higher than them.

I couldn't speak. My mouth can't utter a single word.

Siguro naman lahat kami ay mababa? That's right! That's possible —

"Highest daw si Gio. He got 20 out of 20. You're probably 19 'no? Or 18?"

That made my heart sank even more. Paano niya nagawa 'yon? Pareho lang naman siguro kami ng reading material?

Paano?

How did he achieve that?

Nag-aral din naman ako...

I was freaking 4 out of 20. I would have accepted my score if Gio didn't get a perfect score. I would have accepted my score if I was higher than Melay or Bea.

The thought that I could be the lowest was haunting me.

"I..." I trailed off.

Hindi ko masabi score ko. I was so ashamed. Nag-aral naman ako. Ilang beses ko kinabisado 'yung mga notes ko.

Saan ako nagkulang?

"Hey..." Melay noticed my mood and consoled me. "Mayroon pa namang next time. Wala naman kasi talagang nag-akala na gano'n magpa-quiz si Sir."

Tumango lang ako.

Naguwian na pero tulala pa rin ako. I was still holding that piece of paper. It was funny, really. How a small piece of paper can make someone be as devastated as this.

Hinihintay ko si Sath sa Bonanza Area. I saw him walking so I was about to go to him but I saw Czanne, nakita rin ako ni Czanne pero agad niyang binalik ang atensyon niya kay Sath.

May pinagusapan sila bago kinuha ni Sath ang cellphone niya. He was typing on his phone.

My phone vibrated.

Sath:

We have something to do for our PracRe 2. Do you wanna come?

Ang awkward kapag nakisali ako sa kanila. I immediately replied.

Zafirah:

Nope. I'm fine :) may gagawin din ako, Sath.

Sarathiel:

You sure? Can I call? Or can I at least see you? Saan ka sa school?

I hide from his sight. Nakita ko kasi siyang lumingon sa paligid. He's probably trying to spot me.

Zafirah:

Nakalabas na ng gate. Pauwi na ako. Ingat ka mamaya paguwi :)

Sarathiel:

Can I go to your house later? Let's talk? Is something bothering you?

Zafirah:

Lol nope. Huwag na rin. I'm fine. Really. Dami ko lang gagawin. Hahaha

Sath:

Please tell me if something is bothering you. Don't hesitate, okay? I love you 3000. Call me when you're home.

May sarili siyang buhay. He also has activities to do. Sino ako para isipin niya pa?

Zafirah:

Yup! <3 love you 3k

Umuwi akong dinidibdib na 4 out of 20 lang ako sa specialized subject ko. Worst, it was FABM and it was connected to my future career.

It was better not to tell Sath that I'm not doing great at FABM because I'm not as good as he thought I was. I'm afraid he might break up with me if he knew I was not as smart as I thought I would be.

The sudden realization made me feel down more. Czanne was as smart as he is or at least she can catch up with him. Siguro, mas bagay sila lalo na ngayon na mukhang hindi naman pala talaga ako matalino. Bitterness crawled into my heart.

So this is how grade 12 welcomes me.

I was a constant honor up until now. Sobrang dami kong achievements, I even have my own frames of medals and certificates. Pero bakit may score ako na four out of twenty?

Score ba 'yon ng honor student?

Maybe I've let the medals and certificates fooled me before. Akala ko lang siguro na matalino ako. I felt dizzy as I went inside the house and decided to go upstairs to my room.

I locked myself inside and plopped into my bed as I stared at the crumpled paper where 4 out of 20 was written. Unti-unting lumandas ang mga luha ko.

Ang bobo mo, Zafirah.

Bobo. Bobo. Bobo.

Bakit napakabobo mo naman, Zafirah?

Si Gio nga naka-twenty over twenty pa. Ang dali-dali lang sa kanila tapos ikaw nag-aral ka na nga, bagsak ka pa rin?

I laughed because the pain was excruciating until I was screaming because I wanted to let the anger out and the frustration to be heard, but then I was voiceless because the emptiness was still there. Namamala na ang aking lalamunan. No one heard me. The feeling of being alone is making me feel down. Nagtalukbong ako ng kumot, I hugged my knees as the paper continues to haunt my mind. Patuloy lang ako sa pag-iyak.

Papel lang 'yon. Papel lang...

I shouldn't feel this sad because of it yet the hollow feeling was slowly consuming every fiber of my being.

Nakakapagod talaga. I'm trying so hard but nothing goes my way. I feel like floating in the bodies of water, trying to swim across just to find any land of comfort...

But there's none...

I can only see the water filling my eyes and it invades my lungs — making it hard for me to breath. To live.

Pagod na talaga ako.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪✎❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜